Finn Wightman writes to her son about consent because, as she says, “I love you too much to leave these things unsaid.”
Dear D,
I’m writing this letter after watching the parents in the Steubenville Rape Trial crying over their son as he was found guilty of rape. I’ll be completely honest with you; I can’t say that I found much pity in my heart for their pain. Instead I found myself thinking, ‘yes, you should be crying. Your son treated that girl like a toy, a rag, a nothing. You raised a boy that lacked even the most basic compassion for that girl as a fellow human being.’ I’m imagining your face right now, thinking ‘okay mom, not quite sure why you’re telling me this…’ Yep, brace yourself; mom’s got a bee in her bonnet. Just bear with me and carry on reading.
You see, somehow this crying couple’s son and his friends were convinced they had a right to do as they pleased – either because they were brought up believing themselves to be above the rules, or because they were so lacking in common decency that they had no concept of how to treat other people. Whichever it was, the parents and coaches of Steubenville failed their sons and contributed to a culture where a girl was treated in the most heartless and disgraceful way for these boys amusement. The horrible truth is that as long as parents anywhere allow their boys to think that their wants are more important than other people’s rights this will continue to happen. I’m writing this letter to you because I don’t want to fail you in the same way. I love you too much to leave these things unsaid.
I need you to know that writing this doesn’t mean that I think you would act like these boys did. Discussing the potential for bad behaviour doesn’t mean I think it’s inevitable, or even likely. It just means I need to know (for both our sakes) that I taught you what sexual freedoms and responsibilities really mean. Educating you about proper consent doesn’t mean I see you as a potential sexual predator, any more than my educating you about the safe use of matches presumed you were a potential arsonist. This is about safety; your safety and the safety of any potential sexual partner.
I want you to consider a scenario. Imagine an average weekend when you’re staying at your mate’s house. You’ve had a good day laughing and joking with a group of people, some of whom you know and a couple of friends-of-friends. You’ve had a couple of drinks, laughed at stuff on the internet, played x-box for hours and then gradually drifted into various stages of getting comfortable, shedding some of your clothes and sleeping.
Now imagine waking up to discover a man on top of you, having obviously had some kind of sex with you. I know that’s a shocking thought. Something you’ve probably never considered, even though male victims make up 8% of reported rapes. Imagine your shock, your disgust and your anger. Now imagine everyone telling you that it’s your fault.
Would you feel that the fact that ‘you didn’t say no’ while it was happening made it okay? Or that the fact you were drunk or partly clothed or sleeping in public meant you’d put yourself at risk and were ‘asking for it? Would the fact that you’d spent some time together, been friendly, or accepted his offer of a drink, mean you were ‘sending out signals’ to him? Would the fact that you made a sexual joke earlier in the evening mean you were ‘up for it’? Would the fact that he heard you’d had sex with one of his friends, or relatives, be an acceptable reason? How about if you were walking home alone at night? Would you be actively putting yourself in danger and ‘partly responsible’ if a stranger dragged you into an alley and sexually assaulted you? If you accepted an invite to a friend’s house and he pinned you down on the sofa, would you be to blame for being alone with him?
I’m convinced your answer to each of those would be a loud and vehement ‘no’ – quite rightly.
So ask yourself this: if every single situation remained the same – except this time you’re female – does that make it acceptable? The answer, of course, is still no. No, nothing changes the lack of consent in these scenarios. Every one of those situations is sexual assault; no ifs, no buts, no maybes, and no excuses. Consent cannot be assumed, forced or taken. EVER. Consent is always, and only, something that is willingly given.
So let’s be absolutely perfectly clear: Sexual acts that take place without consent are rape, and the only thing that means yes is the word yes.
Not saying no does not mean yes.
Not fighting you off does not mean yes.
Not being awake does not mean yes.
Not being sober does not mean yes.
No type of clothing – or absence of clothing – means yes.
No amount of previous partners means yes.
Accepting a drink does not mean yes. Going out to dinner does not mean yes. Accepting a lift home in your car does not mean yes, and neither does an invitation in for coffee. Sitting next to you on the sofa does not mean yes. A gasp, sigh or returned caress does not mean yes. Erect flesh is not a yes – cold, fear, and even death can all cause the body to mimic the signs of sexual arousal. A yes to a kiss does not mean you can assume a yes to anything else. Never assume. Let me repeat that: NEVER ASSUME.
Resist the dangerous temptation to hope a kiss will just drift into something more without talking about it. Understand that ‘trying it on’ or ‘pushing your luck’ or imagining you’re correctly ‘reading the signs’ are all just polite euphemisms for being willing to risk committing a sexual assault in the hope that your feelings are reciprocated. Seriously, don’t. Every single woman I know can reel off experiences with this. Don’t be that guy.
The word yes is the only 100% unambiguous yes.
So, how do you get to yes? You ask. Really, it’s that simple. Ask the question, hear the answer, and respond accordingly. Even if it’s not the answer you were hoping for. Especially if it’s not the answer you were hoping for. That’s the difference between two people enjoying sex together, and one person sexually assaulting the other. The only reliable invitations to sex are clear, unambiguous, and verbal. If asking and affirming seem too embarrassing to contemplate, then maybe you just aren’t ready for sex with another person.
There’s only one person you should ever consider having unquestioning, silent sex with: yourself. That’s also the only person that might possibly ‘owe you’ an orgasm.
I know, all this sounds like such a list of rules and obligations for something that’s meant to be ‘natural’. Too much effort, even – well that’s tough. The world should not be treated like a sexual all-you-can-eat buffet where you can just help yourself. That’s exactly the attitude that has those boys (quite rightly) sitting in a cell. Sex that involves anyone beyond yourself is never just about your desire. If you imagine that your desires ever allow you to coerce another person into fulfilling your sexual need, then you have to ask yourself if you are willing to personally face the consequences of that view. We’re right back to that scenario where some stranger decides to use your body to fulfill their sexual desires, regardless of your feelings. Or you end up in a cell. Think about what that mindset means for the female relatives that you love. Should they be ‘fair game’ to any person attracted to them – like some commodity? That’s the rape-culture mindset, right there. It’s why I’m taking the time to put my thoughts on to paper; because the best lesson I can teach you is the ability to recognise that your choices have consequences, for you and the people you involve in your decisions.
So far, so negative… but there are real personal benefits to consent. Consensual sex is glorious. Verbal communication is hot. Listening to your partner and verbalising what you want will make you better in bed, and more responsive to each other’s needs. Talking about your desires and fantasies is far more likely to lead to them happening than hoping you’re dating a psychic. I’m sure your cringing at me now, but if you got this far there’s chocolate in the fridge, help yourself to it. Yes, this is a test.
You might not think it now, but making sure the sex you are involved in always involves complete consent will be the best gift you can give your future self. You’ll never look at yourself in the mirror and wonder if you pushed someone to doing something they weren’t ready for. You’ll never be the hypocrite that lectures their child while hiding a guilty secret. You won’t be burdened with regret at the harm you personally caused someone. You’ll never look a woman who has been abused in the face and know you’re a part of what caused her hurt. Most of all, you’ll be a leader not a follower. You’ll never be that boy in court; instead you’ll be part of a better consciousness that will make the world a safer place for everyone.
You’ll be the man I already see in you.
With love, always, Mum xxx
Also read The Healthy Sex Talk: Teaching Kids Consent, Ages 1-21
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Originally published on Some Views From A Broad
Photo: clickflashphotos / flickr
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Hi Mark Neil You make me confused! Can women today in the US murder men in cold blood without getting punished? The letter Finn wrote,and published here triggered a long debate. I am thankful to Finn because I learned a lot from all the comments. As a women I want men to express their feeling without invalidating them. It hurts when their feelings are axpressed the way we see here,but still I think we as women can listen. This is not nessicerely men that want to shut women up,at least I hope this an honest expression of feelings. And thanks… Read more »
Yep, I fully understand your article as a matter of fact I just had another conversation with my seventeen year old son in which I pointed out to that him & all of his male friends are considered potential rapists & as annoyed he was with the legal reality he thanked me when he understood that a verbal retraction of consent after the fact or deed is enough to paint him as a rapist/sex offender for the rest of his life, if he is not careful about it, thank you for the article Finn.
I hope you also told them that (at least in the UK) a reasoned belief that consent was given is considered a valid defense against the charge, as would the character witness testimony of other partners you had previously asked for consent. The best protection is still to ask.
Thanks for your comments.
“The only reliable invitations to sex are clear, unambiguous, and verbal.” Couldn’t disagree more. Because of so many incidents of rape, I think people are becoming a little TOO careful and legally explicit to the point of taking some of the spontaneity out of the sexual experience. What, so if I go on a date and take a girl home, and we both play equally active parts in seducing each other and undressing each other, then having sex (without the whole “asking permission” thing), then it’s wrong? It’s rape? No thanks. This idea is absurd. I believe a word has… Read more »
I think you have to take this letter in context. The author is an adult talking to a teenager. Presumably, this teenager, and most teenagers, are new to sex and sexual ques. A teenage girl thinking about having sex for the first time might actively participate for quite some time and then begin to question wether she is making the right desision. The same can certianly be true for teenage boys as well. In this situation verbal consent really is the only way to know if they are still willing participant or if he/she is feeling like they should just… Read more »
Hi Alex
What did you do to your cat?
This is NOT normal cat behavior!
This sounds like an abused cat.
Iben, my cat does a similar thing. He’s just a temperamental lil shit. Some cat breeds are pretty aggressive. I’ve heard bengals can be very aggressive.
Iben –
(!)
She’s a Bengal.
It’s normal for Bengals.
I feel this is going somewhere strange. Maybe another metaphor would have been safer!
Alex
I’ve been kind of following the comments on Finn’s letter, having made one myself. I’m finding it hard to think of a comfortable or kind way of articulating what I want to say, but here goes: There must be something really important about the the fact that sex, which clearly has more to do with communication and bonding than with procreation, can become such an arena of misunderstanding and aggression. It’s a bit simple minded, I suppose. I’m reminded of my cat, who sometimes can’t decide whether she wants to cuddle me or kill me. I need a new word… Read more »
I know that this is a letter to her son, so this is male specific letter, thats why its all about how to respect women. Yeah I know every parents should have this kind of talk to their sons.
But still, why she use an example of another men violating her sons? Why? Why not women? Why?
Just read tweets about male rape victims. They ridicule him, they laughed at him, they dont believe that women can rape men. Its very brutal, brutal victim shaming.
You said it your self she is writing to her son, and so she knows what would cause the greatest effect on her son, while female to male sexual assault is a real issue it is likely that her son would have taken it as a change of tone and taken the whole thing a little less seriously. and besides that she is trying to protect him from being accused of such things and as he is a male using males as the antagonist is easier for him to personally relate to.
Thank you for seeing my good intentions. I really appreciate that.
Why would you imagine that I would care less if my son was attacked by a woman? Honestly, I find it bizarre that people could even imagine that! I’ve repeated my reasoning and myself many times in the replies. I’m so sorry for your pain, and the pain of others I seem to have offended by not covering every thing from every angle. I hoped that people would accept the good faith and reasoning of this letter – which I was asked to share. I’ve now come to terms with the reality that nothing I say will satisfy those questioning… Read more »
Thank you for your understanding, I really appreciate it. FW x
I love this. The only point NOT addressed that should be is the faulty concept of a ‘point of no return’ for sex. Consent can be withdrawn at any point and if someone KEEPS GOING, that is rape.
For the purpose of this comment I am assuming the traditional definition of rape, between a man and woman. I’d also like to say that rape is abhorrent and those guilty should face severe sentences; however, in these days where women are much more confident in themselves, drink much more than they ever did and can be sexually overtly promiscuous there are other things the writer should mention to her sons. Probably best not to date women like those in the example who have only ‘a couple of drinks’ and then don’t recall having sex/being raped. These women should stick… Read more »
Great job on this letter, Finn. Pretty much perfect
According to those guidelines: I am a rapist. I have raped many times before.
I have had sex with men and women without an explicit “Yes”
I’m not too sure whether you are being sarcastic, or whether you have just realised something? In many cases, we tend to believe that silence equates compliance, what we are not prepared to do is something very simple, ask. That’s all it takes.
Actually, you don’t know if you’ve raped someone or not. The chances are that they were perfectly willing, although you’ll never be sure. The point here is that you could have been sure – had you asked.
The thing I have found that makes discussions like this easier is to have an ongoing, open dialogue with your child starting early. I have always tried to be first and foremost honest with my children. I have also tried to always listen to my kids (yes, it can be challenging when they are 4 and chatter endlessly about nothing…but there is a payoff. Listen!) We have had discussions along the way about objectifying women, about being drunk, so it was not unusual for me to initiate a conversation about Steubanville and what happened there. It wasn’t uncomfortable or unnatural… Read more »
I’m not reading the comments. There’s too much discussion going on. Forgive me if I am repeating other thoughts.
This was an incredible letter and it was… perfect. I’m saving this. I will share it with my own boys one day, because… I couldn’t say it the way you did.
Thank you.
Hi Damon, thank you so much for your kind words, they mean a great deal to me – especially from a father of boys. FW x
Your trust in your child alone will suffice for making him a true gentleman. I hope all mothers communicate their trust and such virtues to their sons which will make girls feel protected and comfortable in the company of the strangest of men around the world.
Proud of the mother in you!
I really appreciate you taking the time and courage to write this letter. Having a guy ask for my consent is probably one of the most attractive things he can do. I was sexually abused when I was a kid and went through a few relationships where my body was used for someone else’s pleasure. I’m in a new relationship, and my boyfriend always asks for my consent. It really makes a girl (or maybe one who comes from a similar background to mine) feel special and respected. I agree with some of these posts that eventually a relationship can… Read more »
This article made me think. Think back 20-25 years to my own youth. I’ve taken care of more girls in these similar circumstances than I care to count or even remember. Trying to walk and talk them sober enough to get them to sleep in a bed or take a taxi home, holding their hair and wiping the vomit off of their face and clothes, and on “special occasions” even calling an ambulance to get them to a hospital. Girls who no longer had any idea about where they were or who they were with. Who had had too much… Read more »
flyingkal I think this all goes back to your original question about “what do we teach girls about consent?” For all this talk about consent on this site and others and “only yes means yes” platitudes what do most men experience _from_ women from the ages of 16-29? You hit on this in this comment in particular. What did I see growing up and halfway through college? The guys who were more aggressive with girls and pushed boundaries were the ones who were more popular with girls and who had girlfriends. Guys like me who were respectful, and made sure… Read more »
I am male and past middle age. I found Finn’s letter disturbing, and I really had to think hard about why – perhaps because it raises issues I find personally painful, and prefer not to think about. Maybe, though, I’m old enough to think I’m not on my own. If my mother had sent me this letter, I would have read it as an accusation, and as being more concerned with those against on whom I might ‘predate’ than with caring for me. But then, that was my mother. And most of what she said about sex was ambiguous, fearful,… Read more »
I’m sorry to hear that you had such a difficult time with your mother. I’m fortunate (and grateful) not to have that situation in my life, and to know many, many wonderful men – foremost of which are my husband (one of the most amazing people I have ever met) and my lovely boy. We don’t ‘monster’ men in this house. As I made clear in my letter “I’m writing this letter to you because I don’t want to fail you in the same way. I love you too much to leave these things unsaid. I need you to know… Read more »
I find your letter to be less than because of one reason: you put the blame on the shoulders of the parents, and herein lies the problem. Yes, parents have immense influence, but so does the violent and deplorable culture that surrounds sports, especially in small town america. This is by no means excusing these boys and their vile and vicious behavior, but your argument lacks substance, as it remove the responsibility of the schools and the culture. If you’ve taught your son not to steal but he turns out to be a thief, is that your fault? No.
Hi Marie, thanks for your comments. I’m sure your views hold water, but as my son is not part of the small town America culture, or involved in the sports culture you describe, I believe our parental influence is more important. ‘The Culture’ is us. Society is made up of a collection of individuals, and only the determination of individuals will influence change. I made it quite clear in my letter that this was about fulfilling *my* responsibility when I said, “I’m writing this letter to you because I don’t want to fail you in the same way. I love… Read more »
Hi Jonathan
I understand your feelings.
But tell us if what you describe here happens during dating( this for us Europen strange practice ) or when you are in a relationship with a woman?
A Letter To My Son About Consent — The Good Men Project
Just a reflection, and to kind of flip the table. What do we (society) teach our daughters about consent? Is that any different than the message baing handed out here, or elsewhere? *Should* it be any different?
I am a man who have been lonely most of my life.
I have always taken a no as a no, and in no way do I condone a habit of taking a no as a yes.
This is a brilliant and incisive question, and one I would like to see discussed extensively. I, too, am a man who has been lonely most of my life. I, too, have always taken no as a no, and do not condone taking no as a yes. I understand full well also that the lack of an explicit “no” does not mean “yes.” But what frustrates and enrages me about these simplistic slogans is that they do not address the truth that I have learned from years of bitter experience with women: the lack of an explicit “yes” does not… Read more »
“The widespread use of ambiguity by women as a romantic tactic creates confusion … I don’t understand, how can I not be “that guy” yet avoid the crushing romantic failures and howling loneliness?” Answer: Open, honest, verbal communication. If a woman’s behaviour is ambiguous, how about simply asking her for clarity? Tell her how you feel and what you want. I don’t mean to come off as flippant; I respect what you’re saying and I recognize the ambiguity you speak of (I’ve been guilty of it myself at times). And maybe your question was rhetorical, but I was moved to… Read more »
Ah yes, excellent question, one that I addressed in the draft that I wrote before it evaporated when the page auto-refreshed. In my experience, if I have to ask, the answer is… vague, at best. Don’t get me wrong, in an established relationship, open and honest communication works well. In the pursuit or courtship phase, the results suggest it’s too forward and/or too gutless. And no, my question was not rhetorical. I’m still trying to figure these things out. I have a deep and abiding fear of being “that guy,” but I also don’t want to be alone all my… Read more »
Aaarrrgh! Damn that auto-refresh! I’ve lost so many awesome (imho) comments at the unmerciful hands of the auto-refresh, so I feel for you, Johathan. I’m thinking about my own ambiguity when I was dating in my 20s, and i think it really stemmed from 2 things: 1) an internal conflict between what I wanted, what I though I *should* want, how I defined myself, and who I thought I *should* be; and 2) how the person I was dating fit into all of the above. That was back when I made other people responsible for my sense of well-being. Who… Read more »
Megan:
What were you taught about consent?
Yes, communication is the key, obviously. That’s the simple answer. Just like “consent” is the obvious, simple answer.
But what do you do when the communication doesn’t work? When a “no” from your partner more often than not turns out to actually mean “Oh I’ll think about it, ask me again in a while”, but then don’t bother to clarify or just don’t give a d*mn when the question isn’t repeated?
What was I taught about consent? That’s a good question, FlyingKal… I don’t even know that I was explicitly taught about it, beyond the cursory “no means no” from sex education class and the odd after-school special. I think I just absorbed the knowledge from society (Canadian) that consent is within my right to give or withhold, and that I should never touch someone, or be touched by anyone, in a sexual way without permission. It was never understood that a verbal “yes” was necessary to give consent, but rather that we always have the right to say “no”, and… Read more »
Megan: Thank you so much for a long and well-worded answer. First, about consent. IDK, having only ever lived first as a boy and then as a man, but I was brought up with the very stringent rule of always asking for consent. And also while being a youth that very question itself being taken as a sign of “weakness” or uncertainty that by itself was sure to generate a “no” as an answer. I don’t know if that much really have changed with age, or if it’s just that old habits are hard to brake. Anyway, the reason for… Read more »
I’ve noticed some women use the ambiguous behaviour, those who say that asking turns them off, they want a man to just kiss them. Too much reliance on body language alone is bad because not everyone uses the exact same body language, nor can everyone accurately read it.
Thank you for your concern, This is one single discussion in an ongoing dialogue. Let me reassure you that all of my children have been well educated over many years – by both parents – to know that they have complete autonomy over their own bodies and NOBODY has the right to touch them without consent, or ask to be touched by them. That is regardless of sexuality or gender. This is about keeping him safe as he moves forward into *choosing* to have sexual relationships with other people.
“Not being sober does not mean yes.”
Does a verbal yes (or other form of initiative) while not being sober mean no?
This is a brilliant letter, and if more parents had this kind of candid non-hysterical dialogue with their sons and daughters about sex education then society would be a much safer and more enlightened place. But a lot of commenters here are being wilfully obtuse. This is an individual letter to the son of an individual person about how best to conduct himself in a decent and respectful way in his future sexual relationships, with women. No doubt, as a parent, she has had and will have many other discussions with him about self-respect and respect for others, including men.… Read more »
“These are all valid issues. If you feel strongly about them why not conduct your own research, write and share your own articles and pieces to further those discussions and educate? Do that, instead of criticising individual opinion pieces that don’t cover absolutely everything about a hugely expansive subject you want to see covered.”
Thank you for this comment, and your understanding of my intentions, I really appreciate both.
Indeed, quite a few people find having to explicitly ask about everything a turnoff. That’s why there are such things as non-verbal cues. This is the issue I’m having with some of these articles I’ve been reading about consent. We’re telling our kids (well, really lets be honest here, just our sons) that they should ask for verbal consent when trying to escalate things sexually. But if we’re being completely honest, how many people literally ask for verbal consent each and every time they have sex? I’m guessing probably no one, so we can’t be completely literal in what we… Read more »
I appreciate you writing this so much. I am a 25 year old man. I am currently in recovery for sex-addiction. Part of my recovery right now is admitting the wrongs I have done to others. My heart breaks for the women I have hurt. I am working to apologize to them, and tell them that I know I wronged them. I do not expect that to heal their hurts, but I do hope it helps. And ironically enough, my fiance has been hurt in similar ways by other guys who used her for her body and called it a… Read more »
Dustin, thank you for your kind comments, they mean a lot to me. I wish you every good thing in your recovery and in your continuing relationship. FW