According to Shawn Peters, fidelity simply requires less work for some men.
—
Alone at last, away from prying eyes, she steps close… closer than she should.
“This isn’t right. I’m a married man.”
Her lips pout for a millisecond, before spreading into a grin that is as wicked as it is wanton.
“I know,” she whispers. “I don’t care.”
I am intimately familiar with the above scene … but only because I’ve seen it in hundreds of movies and TV shows, and read it in more than a few books. This is the theatrical, dare I say “romantic” view of how a good man ends up straying. A flirtation goes too far. A seemingly innocent mid-life-crisis-crush is reciprocated. A few too many drinks and a few too inhibitions and suddenly, a faithful man is no longer faithful. I just have no idea if that’s how it ever really happens. I only know it’s never happened to me. Just as importantly, that also means I can’t claim to know for sure what I’d do if it ever did.
I’ll let my bio photo at the bottom of this page speak for itself, but I’ve always considered myself a decent looking fella. Above-average-adjacent on my best days. Not in bad shape. Quick to make a joke or pay a compliment, easy to talk to, and rarely flustered by the prospect of speaking to the fairer sex. No tattoos, no visible scars, and no speech impediments since I ditched the lisp in 6th grade. And I can honestly say that when I was younger and unmarried, finding romantic opportunities took some degree of work. Not necessarily hard work. But there was almost always an element of pursuit on my part, and the occasions where I was pursued and had to decide whether or not to embrace the opportunity (and the woman who was offering it) were novel to say the least.
Granted, my window as a single guy was outrageously short. I started dating my wife when I was just 19 and was married at the tender age of 23. But since becoming a married man, I’ve found that the same rules that applied to me when I was on the prowl still apply now; if I don’t go looking for it, it isn’t going to come to me. As such, I have so far been able to stay true to my marriage vows simply by not putting in the work it would take to break them. But I understand that’s not the case for every man.
For an extreme example, let’s talk Tiger Woods. While there can be no question that Eldrick turned out to be a serial-seed-sower who considered every tour stop a new opportunity to sink his putts in a new hole, we can also be sure that with his fame, money and looks, he would have had a steady stream of offers even if that hadn’t been his proclivity. So imagine if his failed marriage had been due to him straying once, and only once, and it had been an affair where he was stolen away by an equally famous woman a la the way Brad Pitt segued from Jennifer Anniston to Angelina Jolie. Would that have been as bad? Would it have made him less of a creep in the court of public opinion? Actors, politicians, athletes and musicians all have to deal with temptations that the rest of the “Hall Pass” set never encounter, myself included.
And then there are just those guys who have “it” and face many scenarios where they have to decide whether or not to keep “it” in their pants. The closest I’ve ever come to having to turn away an aggressive woman was on a drunken night out with co-workers a decade ago when one of my friends’ sister got hammered, blown up on Ecstasy and started hitting on every married man in our group. One of our more sober companions was there to keep things from getting out of hand, but that’s not a story of temptation vs. fidelity. It’s a tale of intoxication plus recreational chemistry. With that in mind … how hard has it been for me to be a faithful husband for the better part of two decades?
Not very, but it begs a second question.
Is all infidelity created equal? Or does one have to be tempted to be legitimately good? Mark Twain certainly thought so when he wrote “The Man Who Corrupted Hadleyburg,” a short story about a self-professed virtuous town that crumbles the first time temptation is introduced to the community. The suggestion is no one knows whether their virtue is a fact or a façade until it’s faced a challenge or two.
♦◊♦
Imagine two men standing next to each other. Both married ten years. Both just cheated for the first time. But Hubby #1 stepped outside his marriage after having dutifully turned down several other advances from women he was legitimately attracted to over the years, while Hubby #2 is a guy who has made a habit of taking off his ring whenever he travels for work, spending extra time in hotel bars, and finally hooked up the first time a woman actually responded to his come on. The day before they both cheated, there’s no question that the first fella was the better husband. The day after, are they the same? And are either of them definitively worse than a man who never crossed the line because he never had anything resembling a realistic chance to do so?
I’m asking, because so far, I’ve been able to be faithful husband just by not doing anything. Maybe that makes me lazy, although I’d like to think it makes me decent and committed to the non-negotiable importance of monogamy in my marriage. But I know for sure it makes me uncomfortable when it comes to evaluating other people’s fidelity, or lack there of. Don’t get me wrong. I’m saddened whenever I hear about one of my fellow men stepping outside his marriage, whether I hear about it in hushed rumors at a holiday party or blaring loud and lasciviously across a tabloid’s front page. But I do not rush to judge, because I’m aware that in the grand scheme of things, the only thing I can claim to have done well is … nothing.
—
This post is republished on Medium.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: iStock
Erin also raises a good point about men with wonderful partners but who cheat anyway. There are lots of men like Tiger Woods who “cheat down,” cheat with someone less attractive instead of more attractive. (No offense to all those women, but come on….)
What does that say about men and the value they place on their relationships That Guy?
First of all, let me be frank and admit to a fair amount of tongue in cheek in this piece. I’m at least somewhat aware that the real reason I have been faithful is because it is important to me, and it’s important to my wife… and my wife is important to me. If I were unhappily married, or got the feeling my wife considered herself unhappily married, it very well could be a different story. But I think that most men I know who are faithful (but who are also still attracted to other women… not the ones who… Read more »
I wanted to second one tiny part of Anthony’s first post. Some men are not really looking and some of them may be totally clueless anyway. You could have missed opportunities because you just didn’t see them as opportunities.
Sometimes fidelity isn’t goodness or laziness but cluelessness.
“Wait, what? That was flirting? Come on. Really? Noo, that couldn’t be. I’m sure she just wanted a massage.”
I’ll share what I think Wet Suit one. *wink Well, it makes me wonder if men are only as loyal as their options. I sincerely DON’T want to think that’s the case. I even hate that phrase myself. And I do wonder if men hate that phrase nearly as much as I, as a woman, do. But between what Shawn is saying about his on fidelity, the fact that’s it’s never really challenged, in combination with all the stories of famous men that have beautiful wives that are found cheating with 1,2 or 10 women, because they do have the… Read more »
I’m curious, why do you prize commitment? What does commitment mean to you?
“Ladies, your man is just as faithful as his options.” ~Chris Rock
True or false? I hope, false, but I also think there’s a good bit of truth in that statement as well. How many married/committed men could have resisted Jennifer if she had run into your arms for comfort as Brad was walking out the door. The true question is not, “Am I a ‘philanderer’? But rather, WOULD I be, if someone of true temptation invited me?
It’s a funny line, but it obviously doesn’t apply to all men everywhere.
Here’s another for women to consider: “A man is only as faithful as his wife/girlfriend deserves.”
Good article for the record. I wonder what women think of this article and theirc conceptions of “fidelity”?
thx. I do too. I only know the definition of one very important woman 🙂
Sometimes overcoming temptation illustrates strength of an individual. Sometimes it illustrates the weakness of the temptation. It’s rare that I’ve been approached by a woman regardless of my relationship status unless I, in some way, open that door. Let’s face it, in a world where “tall, dark and handsome” is “typically” desired, “shorter, pasty-white and curiously attractive” doesn’t get a ton of unsolicited offers. (For the record and for those who don’t know, I’m a 5’6″, moon-white guy with auburn hair and hazel eyes. I look like the love-child of Seth Green and Dany Bonaduce. My saving grace is that… Read more »
It is not just supply, it is also demand. Some men have no interest. Some husbands do not even notice women (other than their wives). Such a man might have been “approached” multiple times by a naughty lady with sin on her mind, and not even know it. As nicely as I can, I think it is both revealing and (somewhat) offensive that you presume that all men “desire” to stray, and consequently the only factor that differentiates a Twain hero from a Twain villain is availability. This plays into the prejudicial social expectation that all men are born beasts,… Read more »
Anthony, I appreciate the read… and the comment. You are certainly correct with your first and final points. There are some men who are “immune” to the entire issue of infidelity because they are so committed (or hardwired in a certain way) that all other women cease to be alluring once they have taken their marriage vows. Should they be commended? I don’t know. I kinda went out of my way to try and not commend or castigate anyone. But I’d agree with you that those who can’t even conceive of straying are the truest of the true because they… Read more »
You and I are probably separated by sampling bias. We live in separate worlds.
I live in a community of people who share a common bond: compassion for men and boys.
I believe that, in most cases, when men learn to feel compassion for other men, they lose the ability to find women desirable or attractive in any way. I can find no beauty, allure, or seduction in anything that is female, either in form or in function. The myth is dispelled, the mystique has faded, the fog is lifted, and I see women in all their ugliness.
Wait…What?
Yes. We are clearly members of different communities.
So – what colour is the sky on your planet?
“I guarantee you, there are married men who have as much desire for “other” women as a gay man has for women. Nothing. No desire, no secret wishes, no longing, no tingling, nothing.” The day I meet a straight, sexual (not asexual, which are a different kettle of fish altogether) male who fits this definition I’ll agree with you. I assume you’re not an asexual which I why I make the “sexual” distinction”. Until then, I call b.s. Of course, I already know that asexual men exist. I just don’t think that’s what you’re talking about. I also assume most… Read more »
I dunno, in my experience these men do exist. And by “these men” I mean straight, sexual, partnered men who have no desire for other women. They may not be the rule, but they’re definitely real. In fact, I’ve been one of them. I think of it more as a phase than anything else. During my second real relationship there was a period of time where women who weren’t my girlfriend had absolutely no sexual allure for me. I stopped keeping up with several flirtatious relationships, I stopped watching porn. Although I could still *appreciate* a beautiful woman, I didn’t… Read more »
Nice piece bro. I’ve heard you talk about your wife and I’m guessing your fidelity has something to do with how much you love her and your family.
Thanks, Jake. No doubt that that being happy is a big reason why fidelity doesn’t feel like too much of a sacrifice.