You may be concerned, or just expressing loving critique, but it can be pretty harmful. Here’s how you know.
—-
The holidays are a major source of anxiety for people, at least I know they can be for me. We find ourselves face-to-face with relatives we don’t normally see, and all too often those people feel empowered to share hurtful opinions under the guise of trying to be helpful.
As a person who has spent half my life dealing with body image and eating issues, the holidays can be miserable. As if I don’t have enough on my plate with my food issues (see what I did there?), there’s usually also some relative who wants to talk about how much I’m eating or how I look.
What I’ve noticed is that there are two different types of concerned loved ones: The ones who care about you, and the ones who are picking at you for their own entertainment or to control your life. The second group are really nothing more than concern trolls in the end, making you feel bad about yourself with no real intention of being helpful.
Because it’s all too easy to be insensitive, I’ve compiled a list of 6 signs that you (or someone you love) might be a concern troll.
1. You express your concerns publicly instead of privately.
Unless you’re in a formal intervention-style meeting with someone, mediated by a professional, you’re probably just embarrassing the person you claim to be worried about. What’s more, this is sometimes seen as an invitation for others to express their “concern” and suddenly you’ve got a dinnertime pile-on. Total holiday nightmare.
When it come to food, if you’re sitting at the dinner table with other people around and tell someone that they’re eating too much or too little turkey and stuffing, you’re trolling. It doesn’t matter if you frame it as a joke or if you think you’re being helpful, it’s mean. And it’s not going to help anyone learn healthier eating habits.
Which leads me to my next point…
2. You assume the person isn’t on top of their health.
It doesn’t matter if you’re worried someone is too fat or too thin or too vegan or too into video games or anything else, you shouldn’t assume they haven’t thought about their health. They are, after all, living in the body you claim to be worried about.
If you think someone else’s choices are harming them, you darn well better know if your loved one is actually unhealthy. Not all thin people have eating disorders, not all fat people have diabetes, and not all vegans are anemic, not all gamers are sedentary. Unless you’re their doctor, you know nothing about their health and it’s insulting to assume the worst, and for some people it can be very triggering.
3. You talk about your concerns with everyone but the person you claim to be worried about.
We all need to process our thoughts and feelings with a trusted friend or partner sometimes. But if you find yourself talking to everyone except the person you’re worried about, it’s time to check your intentions.
We gossip for a lot of reasons, like connecting with friends, validating our own opinions, or trying to be the center of attention. But gossip will never actually help the person you’re concerned about, and if the subject of your concern gets wind of your conversations, you’ll probably end up doing a lot more harm than good.
4. Don’t act like an authority about an experience you’ve never had.
If you don’t have an eating disorder, don’t tell your friend who is in recovery that you know a better way for them to recover. If you don’t identify as queer, don’t tell someone who does why shouldn’t be using the word “queer” (which is a conversation I actually overheard the other day).
If you really care, you’ll find out how your friend feels and support them in the ways they ask to be supported. Follow their lead instead of expecting to be followed just because you’re a member of the more privileged group.
5. You cite a few bad experiences and ignore the many good ones.
Brynn Tannehill illustrates this in her guide for how to spot anti-trans concern trolls, noting that concern trolls will ignore the fact that 98% or more of the people who transition will be happy with their choices. They simply focus on the 2% (or less) who have regrets, and totally ignore the reasons for the regrets.
In essence, if you’re only willing to focus on the few people who have had bad experiences while ignoring the vast majority of people who’ve had good ones, you’re probably not really thinking about what’s best for your loved one. It’s more likely that you’re trying to control their outcome instead of supporting them on their own path.
If you really want what’s best for someone, you will trust that they know how to go about finding that for themselves.
6. Your concerns sound a lot like insults.
“You look better with a few more pounds on you” or “You don’t look healthy” are not nice things to say. I don’t care if you think your opinion is “tough love”, it’s still nasty.
A guy once told my friend, who had recently been through a major trauma, that she needed eat a burrito because she looked like crap. And he said this in front of a group of other people. It’s hard to believe, but he actually thought he was being helpful.
Same goes for telling a woman that she’d be prettier if she dressed more femme, or anything else gender-prescriptive. It’s not your business, it’s not nice, and it’s not helpful.
Here’s the truth: If you feel you absolutely must say something, there is always a kinder, more thoughtful way to do it. In private, of course.
–
Also read: 9 Ways to Teach Your Kids About Love Without Saying a Word
Love GMP? Get the best of The Good Men Project delivered daily or weekly, or become a Premium Member!
Great advice …. thanks for sharing your views.