What will it take to peel off the suffocating mask that keeps men imprisoned in violence, self-loathing, and abuse?
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Pussy as a slang term for the female pudenda is thought to derive ultimately from Low German puse “vulva” or Old Norse puss “pocket, pouch.” It didn’t arise in English with a sexual meaning until the 19th century, but prior to that it had been used to refer to women in general (16th century). It has since also come to mean “effeminate, feeble, or homosexual men or boys” (20th century). —from The Etymology of Sexual Slang—Take Our Word For It
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Shortly after viewing the video, I read an article that emerged from it, written by Thomas Fiffer, Ethics Editor at The Good Men Project, called Be A Man—The Cruelest Words We Can Speak To Our Sons. His astute take was that disrespect and contempt can ultimately lead to violence and the perpetuation of cycles of abuse.
When a man or boy holds his emotions inside, it will eventually explode out into the world or cause a self inflicted wound.
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As a single mother of a now 26-year-old young man who has raised him solo since he was 11 after my husband died, I took my additional responsibility seriously. I knew I couldn’t be both mother and father, and although I told him he could discuss any topic with me, including sex, I had no clue what it was like to be a man. Enter carefully chosen male mentors about whom I have written in previous articles. Along with me, they reinforced the idea that men can be or feel however they choose and are not obligated to act from a proscribed set of rules for belonging to a club with specific “plumbing.” When my husband Michael was alive, he personified the epitome of masculine flexibility. Although I wouldn’t call him a metrosexual, he believed that not only did “real men eat quiche,” but they also baked it, and that those who were at ease with their masculinity also wore pink and purple (two of his favorite colors). He encouraged our son’s creative and culinary interests, and now he is a phenomenal self-taught chef with aspirations of owning a restaurant.
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Being a man is not about doing things and not being emotional. It is sharing love, feeling emotions, having relationships and asking for help when it is needed.
When family members are seriously ill and come to support groups, husbands will say : “I’m her chauffeur,” and not share their feelings or talk about love When the men are ill and with wife and children in the room they say, “here’s no point in living. I can’t work anymore.”
There are two dysfunctions that we have identified and phrases we have coined: AYMS and AMS. That’s Angry Young Man Syndrome and Angry Man Syndrome.We have four sons and a daughter and teach the boys to share feelings and be comfortable with love and touch, to do what makes them happy, to see difficulties as God redirecting you and that material things are to make the world a better place and not to impress the neighbors and to have a sense of humor and to feel loved and to care for pets and when they have self worth and a reverence for life, they care for and about themselves and others.” —Bernie Siegel, MD
Thank you for sharing this powerful video. It hits on many issues we are dealing with boys who are struggling to become men. One phrase I heard several times was “Man Up.” I actually attended a church where the pastor used it to rally the men. The pastor was a so-called tough guy who was keeping it real. Looking back on it, the majority of the men were overly aggressive and too hard. I fell into that trap as well. It took several years to remove that mask over my soul. Most boys have never seen a man share his emotions in a healthy way. They’re usually channeled through womanizing, passive aggression, anger, violence, alcohol/drugs, suicide, or some form of destruction. When a man or boy holds his emotions inside, they will eventually explode out into the world or cause a self-inflicted wound. I have witnessed that first hand, watching grown men in my family abuse alcohol and commit suicide. Still pains me to this day. I had chills watching the video. —Anonymous
I was told at a very early age, starting around six years old, that I had to be a man. I was told I couldn’t cry. My father would hit me and beat me, the more I cried, the more he hit me. He had said that he was going to beat me until I learned not to cry and that I had to learn how to take it like a man. He also said that I was too sensitive and he was going to toughen me up, make me “thick skinned” by hitting me. He had told me that a real man has no emotions and doesn’t cry. He also said the I was never to have feelings because they make you weak. He said ”Christopher, if you want to make it in this world, you cannot show any emotions.” Fast forward to my current life … I realized that my dad was not only conditioning me to be a man based on HIS set of rules, but he was taking away every ounce of what made me a human being! —Chris Pattay—The Possibility Coaches™
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Growing up in New York City I received a variety of messages about what it meant to be a man. I learned at a very early age to be tough, defend yourself, and don’t let anyone see that you are scared. At home I learned from my father and all my other adult male relatives that a man provides for his family by getting a good education and a good job and that nothing comes easy. Be strong, don’t cry or be emotional, and never be sensitive. Oh, and happiness … that was never mentioned in the formula for being a man.” —Jon Satin—The Possibility Coaches™
Realizing that men wear “masks” is one of the reasons that inspired us to begin our coaching practice a dozen years ago as The Possibility Coaches™. We know that this type of conditioning is actually hurting men. There are two dysfunctions that we have identified and phrases we have coined: AYMS and AMS. That’s Angry Young Man Syndrome and Angry Man Syndrome. There are so many young men and men in general who are walking around with an enormous amount of anger in them. And we both know that a big part of this is due to these men having to live up to their fathers’ and society’s interpretation of what a man is “supposed” to be. It’s an enormous amount of pressure for these guys to have to live up to unrealistic models. It strips them of their individuality, their uniqueness and their human-hood. This is why we have dedicated our lives to the upliftment of mankind and assisting teens and young men to know … that “real men do cry!”
Dinner table conversation elicited this story I had never heard before, shared by a man I have known for the past five years or so. It reeked of bullying, targeting, grooming, and abuse. It began around age six and continued for many years. The perpetrator was a gym teacher who would tell the boys that they were “pussies”; weak and inferior if they didn’t meet his standards for manhood. He would have the boys shower together and compare penis sizes. He told my friend that his was so small, he would never satisfy anyone. He would bring up sexual topics with the students. My friend was terrified but didn’t tell his parents. The onslaught continued and on one day this man perpetrated assault on my friend. My heart was racing as I listened and it is now as I type these words and consider how many lives that teacher was allowed to impact. As far as my friend knew, he was never reported.
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As I continue to think about the choices my friends made, in spite of, or perhaps as a result of their experiences, I am floored, since each and every one of them became a healer of some sort. Each one broke the cycle; each one is an outspoken advocate for men to have real feelings and live as whole human beings. They are shining examples of the transformation that can occur when a man is willing to take off the mask and reveal the real.
Photo—everystockphoto/extranoise
Thanks for your concern. I wish more people could understand how much controlling anger can completely distort your personality, in a culture that demands and approves violence in you and then disowns it and declares it has no place. There is no solution for feeling OK in a culture that teaches you Christianity and then threatens to draft you. When you bring up this subject in a mixed group, a lot of women put on their feminist defense gear and set out to prove you are really just suffering from too much pride. We as a culture need to figure… Read more »
Don’t take their word for it. Pussy is just as likely the Latin word for a toddler, something small and soft and huggable. That explains its reference to cats, weak men, and the vulva. It survives in other English words like pusillanimous.
That’s why I asked male friends to chime in, since I don’t know what it’s like to be a man.
Isn’t it weird when a woman writes how to be a man. Isn’t it already biased?
No it isn’t, since she is talking about various ideas, not trying to say that there is one way, and calling on men to ask and answer. Besides, we all live together, and we raise both sons and daughters. What it means to be a man and what it means to a woman are relvant to all of us, and we should all be working on making those both look less like little boxes we are stuck in!
Thank you, Erica. Yes, I can only write from the perspective of a woman. AND what was so powerful about these ideas is that so many of the messages men receive about what it is to be a man, are so wounding to both genders.