Because one vile act against another human being is one too many and we don’t get a do-over when we do unspeakable things.
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Dear Mr. Turner,
I’ve read your letter to the judge on behalf of your son Brock, asking for leniency in his rape conviction.
I need you to understand something, and I say this as a father who dearly loves my son as much as you must love yours:
Brock is not the victim here.
His victim is the victim.
She is the wounded one.
He is the damager.
She will endure the unthinkable trauma of his “20 minutes of action” for the duration of her lifetime, and the fact that you seem unaware of this fact is exactly why we have a problem.
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If his life has been “deeply altered” it is because he has horribly altered another human being; because he made a reprehensible choice to take advantage of someone for his own pleasure. This young woman will be dealing with this for far longer than the embarrassingly short six months your son is being penalized. She will endure the unthinkable trauma of his “20 minutes of action” for the duration of her lifetime, and the fact that you seem unaware of this fact is exactly why we have a problem.
This is why young men continue to rape women.
This is why so many men believe that they can do whatever they please to a woman’s body without accountability.
This is the reason so many victims of sexual assault never step forward.
This is why white privilege is real and insidious and usually those with it are oblivious to it.
I understand you trying to humanize your son in your letter; talking to the judge about his favorite snacks and swim practice and about the memories that are sweet for your as his father—but to be honest I don’t give a damn and if his victim was your daughter I’m quite sure you wouldn’t either.
I imagine this young woman had favorite snacks and sports too, and parents who had wonderful plans for her that didn’t include this nightmare.
There is no scenario where your son should be the sympathetic figure here. He is the assailant. He is the rapist. I can’t image as a father how gut wrenching such a reality is for you, but it is still true.
We don’t get kudos for only raping one person in our lifetime.
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Brock has to register as a sex offender because he sexually assaulted an incapacitated young women. This is why we have such requirements; because one vile act against another human being is one too many, because we don’t get a do-over when we do unspeakable things, because people need to be protected with knowledge of others in their midst who have failed so egregiously at respecting another person’s basic dignity.
The idea that your son has never violated another woman next to a dumpster before isn’t a credit to his character. We don’t get kudos for only raping one person in our lifetime. I don’t believe your son is a monster but he acted like one and that needs to be accounted for. To be sure, this decision is not the sum total of Brock’s life, but it is an important part of the equation and it matters deeply.
It feels like you want more sympathy and goodwill toward your son than you want for the survivor of his crime, and that’s simply not good enough for her or for those young men and women watching.
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And to be clear, Mr. Turner,”alcohol and sexual promiscuity” are not the story here. The story here, is that young men have choices to make and these choices define them, even if those choices are made when temptation is great and opportunity is abundant. In fact, our humanity is most expressed when faced with such things, we choose integrity and decency; when we abstain from doing what is easy but wrong.
We as parents don’t control our children. Most parents understand this. Despite our best efforts to the contrary, they fail and fall and do things we’d never consent to. I certainly hope this is such an occasion, though it is not coming across that way in your letter. It feels like you want more sympathy and goodwill toward your son than you want for the survivor of his crime, and that’s simply not good enough for her or for those young men and women watching.
Here is her story.
You love your son and you should. But love him enough to teach him to own the terrible decisions he’s made, to pay the debt to society as prescribed, and then to find a redemptive path to walk, doing the great work in the world that you say he will.
For now though, as one father to another: help us teach our children to do better—by letting them see us do better.
Originally Published at JohnPavlovitz.com
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Photo: YouTube/CNN
Love must be unconditional to be valid. Supporting children is second nature to parents.
That being said; apparently the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree in this particular case.
Perhaps they can seek counselling together. A good start would be
to communicate with the victim to understand how this has affected her. We do not aim to punish to destroy others; we aim to increase their level of compassion and tolerance and ensure they understand how their actions affect the world around them.
Its interesting how throughout all the violent crimes that have been committed in history its not until a parent tries to stick up for their son who is a rapist that people suddenly have a problem with parents trying to stick up for their children when they commit crimes.
“I did not have sex with that woman”. The Father of the Boston Marathon Bombers claimed that his boys were being framed, because they would never do such a thing. How many mother’s have we witnessed in court pleading with judges, the press, declaring that their child did not commit the crime? We are a country of entitlement, and no one is willing to face the music. That is part of the problem,. Sorry, John. I’d like to take the high ground, I’d like to be a good christian here, but its not in me. If it were my son… Read more »
“If it were my son that committed this crime, he’d not be my son any longer” There are some parents like that. Not the majority, I would hazard. Why is that? Because people often can’t separate self interest from what is right. Isn’t that part of the subtext to this whole discussion? For example, the principal who molested 74 students who isn’t not only facing trial, but won’t even face the proceeding to determine if she will face trial because it upsets her. Why isn’t there even a fraction of outrage and media exposure to that story as there is… Read more »
Here’s is what I’m having issues understanding. Doesn’t every convicted perp get people to write the judge telling him what a nice person this guy who just rape, robbed, killed , or something else horrible did/ Do you really want to eliminate that entirely, demand that every criminal just own their sh*t or is it just in this case? Why is that? It’s every person’s right to continue to assert their innocence even after a conviction. It’s every father’s right to assert that his child is innocent. The problem I see is the sentence is was too short. It boggles… Read more »
Even with writing a letter with the purpose of leniency it should miss it’s point and be counter productive. The father is asserting that the family does not really see much wrong with what happened, and shows little remorse (at least the father does not), little concern for the victim, and lends itself to the idea that the perpetrator might be a risk to commit this crime again as there is no remorse and an asserted opinion that it was not anything really wrong. The letter needs to be condemned for lack of awareness of who the victim was, lack… Read more »
I agree that the lack of remorse makes the sentence even more questionable, but here’s the thing. It’s not up to the father to show remorse. Maybe concern, but not remorse unless the father is willing to accept some blame for his upbringing. Even then, did he grow up in a broken home? Did he not have opportunities most people only dream about? I can’t say that it missed the mark. It seemed to resonate with the judge, which was the entire point. I suspect that it was never intended and maybe wasn’t expected to be made public, which begets… Read more »