Mike Domitrz, founder of the Date Safe Project, talks about teaching teenagers and young adults respectful intimacy.
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Mike Domitrz is the CEO of the Date Safe Project, a global awareness program focused on sexual assault education. Domitrz was in college when he found out his sister was raped. Since that fateful day in 1989 he has made it his mission to make sure no one had to endure the pain his sister did. Domitrz travels close to 100 days a year, engaging in the “Can I Kiss You” program that inspires change in the lives of each audience member.
1. What is your advice on how to teach safer understandings of intimacy to teenagers and young adults?
If I said to you, “How do you normally give someone a choice?”, you would probably say, “You ask the person what they want.” Upon answering, you would probably look at me like I’m an idiot for even asking such an obvious question.
Ask a parent, “When your child is old enough to engage in sexual activity, do you hope your child is given a choice before someone ever touches him/her sexually?” and 95% of parents will say, “They better give my child a choice!”
Yet, most loving parents fail to teach their children this very lesson when addressing intimacy and sexual decision-making.
What lesson?
The importance of “Asking First.” Teach your teen that every person deserves to be given a choice before anyone ever kisses him/her or engages in sexual activity with him/her. You give someone a choice by asking first. Yes, ask for a kiss.
Excuses your teen might bring up:
“Asking will ruin the moment”
If you think asking for a kiss is going “ruin the moment,” then you are not ready and/or comfortable with the kiss. If you both want to kiss each other, neither of you are going to be bummed out when the one person looks the other in the eyes and says, “May I Kiss You?” In fact, you’re going to love it.
“My partner might say, “No.”
If you believe your partner might say, “No,” then shouldn’t she/he have that right before you just do something with her/his body? I know you are NOT someone who would be that mean – to just “Go for it” with another person’s body.
NO is a Reality
Yes, your partner might say, “No” because he/she doesn’t want the kiss or the sexual contact. Your partner DESERVES to have that choice BEFORE you do anything with her/his body.
What do I do if my partner says, “No?”
In our book May I Kiss You? A Candid Look at Dating, Communication, Respect, & Sexual Assault Awareness, we share the following sentence for responding to a partner saying, “No”:
“Then I’m glad I asked because the last thing I would ever want to do is make you feel uncomfortable.” Now, you’ve shown respect, confidence, and maturity. Over 90% of teenagers in the schools we work with say they would LOVE that response when saying “No” to a partner.
RESPECT is at the core of teaching healthy intimacy. The greatest way to insure you are respecting your own boundaries and your partner’s boundaries is to establish that you will always ask each other first before every doing anything. If you can’t ask and talk about, you are not ready.
Remember parents that if you want your teen to always have a choice, first you must teach him/her what it means to have a choice and to give a partner a choice. Ask First.
2. Why is the Date Safe Project a great event for all demographics?
At The DATE SAFE Project (www.DateSafeProject.org), our live programs are focused on asking the audience questions and then steering the conversation based on the answers from the audience. With this interactive approach, we are always able to be in-tune with the precise demographics of the people at the event.
When I’m presenting the “Can I Kiss You?” General Assembly in a middle school, the students are telling me what “dating in middle school” means. By responding to what they share, I can lead them in a fun and engaging conversation. We then provide them helpful tools and insights for making better decisions toward dating both now and throughout the rest of their lives.
When I’m speaking in front of a college audience or to over 1,000 of our Armed Forces overseas, I’m asking them questions about how they know when its the right time to engage in intimacy with a partner. Their answers always lead us a thought-provoking discussion on being able to verbally communicate about intimacy and sex with a partner. Then, I’m able to reveal simple strategies each person can implement for having more fun, being more passionate through verbal communication, and experiencing respectful intimacy throughout.
When talking with parents and educators, I am listening as they share their greatest concerns. Then, I provide how-to skills for helping overcoming those fears and better prepare their teens for dating, relationships, and sexual decision-making. Our DVDs and books are designed with the same approach – to always be conversational.
3. What inspires you to do the things you do for students (and others) every day?
The IMPACT.
When I hear from a student who shares how in just one hour our program made him/her completely shift his/her paradigms toward dating and respect – in a much healthier and more respectful manner – I am moved. Often students will share how they now realize they DESERVE to have a choice. Those moments of “Aha” for students absolutely inspire me.
When a survivor of sexual assault comes up to me after a presentation and says, “Your presentation helped me realize I AM STRONG and courageous. Thank you!” and then the survivor shares how he/she is going to talk with a counselor for the first time, I am inspired!
When a parent approaches me and shares, “For the first time, I LOOK FORWARD to talking my teenager about dating, sex, decision-making, and respect WITHOUT fearing my teen’s response,” I am inspired.
As the brother of a survivor, I have dedicated my life to working on reducing sexual assault by teaching positive how-to skills for living with respect. Every time I hear examples of how our work helped someone achieve that outcome, I get a natural high.
4. What advice would you give to someone that is trying to create awareness about some of the things you touch on?
Do your research and make sure to be inclusive in your approach. Avoid gender stereotypes. Frequently and sadly, we see writers and bloggers reinforce gender stereotypes that lead to unhealthy and dangerous treatment of partners.
Instead of talking to boys and fathers about “What It Means to Be a Man,” focus on what it means to be a good person.
Live with respect and share respect!
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Photo: Corey_Shade / flickr
I am so thrilled that I’ve happened upon someone who is starting this conversation! As a woman who’s dated some really selfish men, I can tell you that the idea of a partner who cares enough about me to ask before moving in for a kiss is incredibly sweet (…and yes, sexy, too!). Women can get involved with whatever man they please, but I personally have no desire to get involved with a “tough guy” like the one making that ridiculous comment earlier in the thread. I’m interested in the goodness of someone’s heart and character first and foremost, and… Read more »
I hope what also is explained is that consent continues to be useful when relationships are committed. Maybe we don’t think of it, but, I’m finding more and more that it’s still useful for me and for my wife, and we’ve been married close to 16 years now.
After decades of feeling awkward and not knowing how to initiate a kiss, and just being lucky once in a (long) while, I’ve been using these exact 4 words (“Can I kiss you?”) for a few months, and it works great. Just accept the fact that you may get either “yes” or “no” (if you get anything else, then you can ask for more clarity), and ask. I’ve received “yes” more often than “no”, luckily, but either way it gave me clarity and I knew where to stand. I wish I had been told it was so easy 15 years… Read more »
Great article!! Here is more food for thought on the same subject.
http://www.modernmom.com/b0b8d934-52f6-11e3-85a0-bc764e0546c6.html
Thanks, everyone, for a great conversation on “Asking First.” Once a partner discovers “How To” verbally communicate his/her sexually intimate wants and/or dislikes, people of all genders share with us how sexy and passionate “Asking First” is. The key is teaching our society how to verbally communicate in sexual situations.
Unfortunately, our media, entertainment, and culture as a whole goes with the motto of “Just Do It” – even though common sense tells you a “Just Do It” approach with another person’s body is not okay. Everyone deserves to have a choice.
I agree with the overall point of making sure the desire for a kiss is mutual before going in–especially for teenagers–but I think there are ways to “get permission” without necessarily having to ask. This is all about reading each other’s cues, making sure it’s not coming out of the blue, that there’s been plenty of flirting, and that it’s reciprocal. Be sure that your (intended) parter is warming to you, that they’re responding to your touch, that they seem to be as delirious about you as you are about them, maybe taking their hand first, maybe just slowly going… Read more »
Yes, try to “feel” it first, but when you think the desire is mutual, you should still ask. You can be surprised. I’ve only practiced it 10 times or so in the last 6 months, but I’ve never heard a complaint about me asking. I’ve only got a yes or a no (around 70/30).
There seems to be some leaps of faith in this article.
Is the belief that rape occurs because the rapist was “confused” about consent really that far widespread?
As far as I know, most of the evidence shows that rapists know what they are doing is (by society’s standard) wrong–they are simply dysfunctional or cruel and don’t care.
I remain doubtful what these awareness campaigns will accomplish. Kind, respectful men who think asking for a kiss is lame aren’t the issue.
The issue is dysfunctional people (yes women commit a lot of rape against men too) having no empathy.
Can this kind of campaign address ALL forms of sexual violence, including sexual assault committed by sociopaths who are intent on raping? No. Can it prevent other forms of sexual violence that are not committed by sociopaths? Absolutely. And there is plenty of evidence to indicate that sexual assault is not simply committed by said sociopaths. Start here: http://changefromwithin.org/2013/02/26/rethinking-lisak-miller-checking-the-math/
That link really doesn’t address what I said at all.
John D, someone who fails to request consent is abusing his/her power over a partner. By not giving someone a choice before sexual activity occurs, you are forcing yourself onto a partner (an act of power and an abuse of power). All levels of sexual assault involve an abuse of power. Keep in mind I am not using the word “You” to represent any person in this comment section. States often have “degrees” of sexual assault because the abuse of power can be more traumatic depending on the situation and the level to which that abuse of power occurs. As… Read more »
This would be great to instil a stronger understanding of consent in people, but (having been a nervous and insecure teen!) I can’t count the number of times I had girls tell me that asking ruined the moment and wasn’t sexy.
“There is nothing less sexy than a guy asking if he can kiss you.”
CeCe, New Girl, episode 12, ‘The Landlord’
Unfortunately, this sentiment is still shockingly widespread.
Exactly. This is still the sentiment spread by chick flicks and fairy tales. When you like the guy, sure, you may want him to “take charge” because a “real man takes what he wants” or whatever. But the only difference between a man “just making the move” and him “forcing himself upon you” is whether or not YOU wanted it. If a girl thinks he’s spineless for not jumping in, but being a “pussy” and asking, then I think it’s the girl who needs to just grow up, not the guy who should “man up”. If I want to kiss… Read more »
When it really comes down to it, I think this whole article could have stopped at that point.
What it she says no, but really wanted you to go ahead, and was disappointed at a missed moment? She opted out of the moment, not you. If she’s disappointed about that, it’s on her.
What about “no” in general? That’s how you know asking was worth it. You just saved yourself a really rough and awkward situation.
“No” is not a scary word. “Creeper” is. I don’t know of any guy who fears rejection more than he fears that label.
“If I want to kiss you, I’ll ask. If you don’t like that, that’s YOUR red flag, not mine. Get used to mature men who are aware of others’ boundaries. We may be “boring” but we’re here to stay. And it’s good for you, whether you like it or not.”
The woman, who you asked, just laughs at your face and soon leaves with the other guy, who does things instead asking. ‘Well, I maybe lonely, but I still got my moral to jerk off with, YEAH!’
Is your nickname “Forever Alone” Tom, because that is where your attitude is leading you. Or perhaps you just need to grow up and be a little more mature because what you have shown here is horrible immature.
“The woman, who you asked, just laughs at your face and soon leaves with the other guy, who does things instead asking.” I hate to rain on your macho pickup-artist manly-man parade, but that *totally* isn’t my experience. At all. In fact, just this afternoon one of my partners was talking to me about how sexy she thought it was that I asked her before we kissed the first time. (Yes, I said one of my partners.) Consent is sexy. If you find that women keep leaving you shortly after you start dating, it ain’t ’cause you’re asking for consent.… Read more »
It is widespread and it’s totally false.
Widespread, and totally false. The phrase “Can I kiss you” gives me shivers. The good kind. And I don’t know any women who don’t want a choice in their sexual activity. Being grabbed and “taken,” is scary to many people, unless you’re in a relationship. (Then, yes, it can be very very hot for some people, myself included.) But regardless, we have to move to a culture of consent, one way or another, so we need to start working in that direction, now. And eventually it’ll be second nature. I’d love to see consent celebrated in media more. Sigh, we’ll… Read more »
As you can tell by the responses do your comment its a matter of experience. At the same time that Joanna and Alyssa swear that that’s false I can tell you for sure that I’ve heard actual women confirm what you say.
The thing is they are all correct because different women have different tastes.
What is never considered in your comments is the confidence of the guy.
Confidence is one of the few main things that will get you a girl. Flirting and then asking for a kiss with confidence will not make you look stupid. To use Alyssa’s words, it will give her shivers just as much as directly kissing her, provided she wanted it too. The difference is that if you ask, you eliminate the risk of being very disrespectful, or worse…
Oh I took that into consideration and that still doesn’t change the fact that different women have different opinions about it.
Unless you’re trying to say that if a guy asks with confidence every woman would like it.
There are women that like being asked and that’s fine but if women are saying they don’t like it and its a turn off does that mean those women’s opinions don’t count?
I’m sure there are women who don’t want to be asked before someone does things to their bodies–it’s a big world, after all, and there are all sorts of people in it. But here’s the thing: no woman–indeed, no person–is open to being kissed by just anyone. Someone who doesn’t want to be asked still isn’t going to like it if a guy she doesn’t want kissing her goes in to kiss her. So by not wanting to be asked, she’s creating a setup for consent violation. And that’s not good for anyone. Now, the question (and the answer) do… Read more »