Rob Brown explains the myths and misunderstandings surround the victims of childhood sexual abuse.
There are several well-entrenched myths that society finds simple and advantageous to framing cases of boys and men being sexually abused. When just one of the myths was employed in my divorce case, I lost everything that had any value to me, including my children, my dignity and any image of masculinity.
Myth #1: The male victim of abuse will become a sex-offender.
I think this particular one drove the divorce case from an amicable-action, to an outrageous and horrid war. When my wife’s attorney heard those words; “he was sexually abused for 7 years as a child,” she launched a full attack based upon me being a certain and inherent danger to children everywhere. The attorney knew that the particular courthouse we would use held old-school judges who would fully embrace such assertions. And, our judge did just that.
The morning I learned of the covert attacks I was taking my morning shower, when I heard heavy-booted footsteps enter the bathroom. “Come out with your hands where we can see them! Do you have a weapon with you?” Unfortunately, I did not normally carry a “weapon” in my shower. But I quickly yanked the curtain back to see two county sheriffs; one with a yellow stun-gun pointed at me. “Mr. Brown, your wife wants you out of the house now as you are a perceived danger and the court has granted her an ex-parte order to have you removed immediately.”
I stepped out and toweled off without any due modesty as I was in total body-quivering shock. They handed me a packed of court paper so thick it could not be folded. I quickly skimmed it and saw flashes of devastating lies: “…was raped as a child…likely abuser…probably will burn house down…gun-fight…rage danger…psychotic rage…spousal abuse…PTSD…depression.” The outright fabrication of these elements was totally based upon the myth that the child victim grows into a monster, and a very dangerous one at that.
The judge who signed that ex-parte order based upon these fabrications, fully bought into the myth; a condition that would sink my entire case-rebuttal, my life and my phenomenal relationship with my two children. I was sent away to never return…to never see my children and to just go off and die. The eight additional cops outside were there for the gunfight they were promised and/or my suicide-by-cop. My fictional violent reaction was freely predicted and broadcast throughout half of New Hampshire. They even called my therapist to advise him I’ll likely be killing myself today. No one knows why they told him that…they just did it.
It took two months of waiting…not seeing my beloved two children and living in complete exile before I was allowed to state my case in any hearing. The initial hearing was literally 10 minutes of the judge agreeing with her attorney that I “had to be a danger with such a history of being sexually abused.” Without any applied logic, rules of court or evidence being required by this judge, I was ordered to see a psychologist for complete evaluation, see my kids in a supervised setting for two hours per week, take a guardian ad litem, and pay for it all myself.
The case dragged-on for over a year of nearly never seeing my children (who were told Daddy is dangerous…why else would the sheriffs have to take him out) and cost me over $140,000 in lawyer fees alone.
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This myth of The Vampire Bite carries on throughout society to marginalize the disclosed victim, and shower him with undue guilt and hatred. The victim learns to fear what he ought not. He feels that he’s destined to molest others even though he has no inclination to do so, ever.
Suicides have actually been initiated and completed based upon a boy or grown man being painted with this lie that society loves to embrace so readily. The crafty adult perpetrators will use this and other myths to leverage the boy’s silence into a near certainty. Some perpetrators have been known to discuss and show documentation of the myth to the boy; a weapon of further horror and a near guarantee of his silence. Even in adulthood, we tend to believe what society believes. Thus, our continued silence is always easier than disclosure.
Silence costs the boy and the grown man dearly. With the existence of this and other well-accepted myths, disclosure will always be highly unlikely.
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Because I asked about its whereabouts, my Healing Journal was taken from the marital residence, professionally reproduced, indexed and distributed to an undefined group of semi-involved people. The journal contained writings, memories of a little boy in the midst of being frequently raped, physical abused and fully abandoned by any/all who should have cared for and protected him. The journal contained the first-ever testimony of what happened.
Though it was penned by the adult boy, it was born of vivid, little-boy flashbacks so severe I would piss myself, pass-out, curl-up in a corner and lose hours of a day into oblivion and panic. It told of anal rape, dissociating into talking to a chocolate stain on the sofa just inches from my nose, full knowledge that my 8-year-old body would die and bloody underwear needing to be tossed into the woods.
The journal even contained the terse comments and rants of Christopher. Christopher was an alternate persona of mine I have only seen in video recordings of me. He was the strong one. He apparently took over for little Robbie and provided an emotional toughness required to survive time in Hell.
I sat in stunned amazement when the judge admitted the journal into evidence after having spent the prior night reading it. I stood up and yelped “this is wrong,” when he read from it — aloud and went on to call the contents “disturbing…truly disturbing.”
As an Reserve-Army JAG, this judge was very old school and gripped Myth #1 with complete confidence that it was true, and he was going to make it true no matter what the tally of ethical and human cost added up to. He did not like the fact that the psychologist cleared me of any propensity to offend and declared my kids free of any harm in his lengthy report. So, the judge abused me using my own therapy tools, and justice using a little boy’s horror.
—Photo Shawn Allen/Flickr
About Robert Brown
Robert, you have described a scene from my childhood, dissociation and all. I was between 6 and 8 when my father was anally raping me. Tragically, I did grow up to offend, with all those memories buried. I do not know how long ago your divorce occurred, but you were raped again.
My understanding is boys who grow up and were unable to tell (my case) and repressed it all, have a greater tendency to re-enact, as I did. To base custody on such is absurd, as it is a presumption without any basis, and is cruel.
I showed signs from childhood back in the dark ages of the late 1940′s, and was delinquent, with the whole spectrum of victim behavior.
In today’s world I have found greater acceptance and understanding. Certainly not back then.
Nice article, Robert.
Robert, my heart goes out to you. For this to have happen to you is sickening at best. If what this judge did was acceptable, then we are really in bad shape and need to be scared of what can and as in your case, has happen. You are not alone in this … there are many men who are experienceing the same. Children of alcoholics are more susceptible to becomming an alcoholic. Does this mean that the courts should also take things like genetics into consideration? You were wronged in a BIG way. I have to be honest, I’m struggling with my anger. Do the courts know thw stats on child abuse on girls? Are they not at all potential abusers? The wide majority of female prostitutes were abused as children. I guess that means that if a mom has a history of being abused, she’s likely to go out and sell her body of at the very least sexually act out? Worst thing of all is that the judge allowed your journal to be used in court. Let’s haul out ladies / girls diaries. Take care Robert, you’re in my prayers.
Let’s not. Let’s not haul out anyone’s healing tools and use them as tools of abuse. Robert, I am so deeply saddened by your story and incredibly grateful for your courage to share it, even after all you’ve suffered.
Hi Robert,
Thank you so much for sharing this with us, it has encouraged me to work harder on my own personal issues with abusive males, and to be so much more empathetic to those males who were abused themselves. Much appreciated, and very glad that you are able to see your children now.
When I was just 20 years old, I read an article in a women’s magazine. It outlined many statistics that had been gathered on victims of child sexual abuse and how those children fared later in life. I was horrified to learn that a large percentage of those children grew up to be perpetrators. I was crushed by the weight of this. To knoe that it was very likely that I would become that which I most hated in life brought me to my knees. I prayed to God that I would never hurt someone the way I had been hurt. (I had never had any such inclination, but the article gave me the sense that this was my unavoidable destiny. A switch would be flipped at some point, and I would be unable to control my behavior.) I became more afraid than ever to disclose my experiences to anyone, for fear of what they would think of me. This information was only used against me once, during a disagreement with a boyfriend. But my fear impacted me on other occasions. Once, my 8 year old son and I were visiting a friend out of town. My son was afraid to sleep alone in the strange house. I wanted to sleep with him, to help him feel safe, but I was afraid of what people would think of a mother who slept in the same room with her 8 year old son. And so, I left him alone, sobbing in that strange place. Certainly, I talked with him a while, encouraging him and soothing him, but the look on his face as I left him there haunts me. How I wish I would have stayed with him that night. Sure, kids need to face such fears at some point, but it’s sad that I left an 8 year old to face his fears alone, because I could not face my own fears of what people might think. This experience of being distanced from my son for one night, by my own choosing, doesn’t begin to compare with the years that you lost with your children by court order, but the heaviness of that one regret gives me some sense of the depths of your loss. My heart breaks for you, and I admire you greatly for publicly challenging the myth of the vampire bite.
Jesus wept! I’m normally able to read stuff like this without reacting too much but thats one of the worst things I’ve ever heard. I hope things are better for you now.
It still blindsides me that stuff like this still happens.
Me, too.
Thank you all. My intent is to get the truth and reality out there. The topic is as taboo in today’s society as it ever was. I’m finding public ignorance of the leverage and discrimination that disclosure can bring to be disturbing, but fully understandable.
I use to mourn the devastation derived from societal apathy and ignorance (maybe I still do at times), but I looked at other social wrongs and examined my own ignorance surrounding those. Why did I not drop everything and run off to Rwanda to take-up arms during outrageous murders? I can fight, I can shoot and I can survive hell. Where was Rob?
What I do not understand nor accept is “willful ignorance” when pivotal decisions are to be made regarding lives in one’s control. If a child, brother, sister, friend…disclose a childhood of horrors, don’t we have some obligations (like maybe District Court Judges)?
I will tell you this; Ignorance in the wrong hands can be devastating.
Robert, If you can, would you contact me via email? I appreciate it. Thanks
I can’t actually grasp the levels of injustice of your story. I am blown away that the mother of any child would do this to the father of their kids, let alone to someone they were married to. I am truly sorry for what has happened to you and hope things have improved, or will improve in the future.
I too Robert want to reach out and say how sorry I am that you were treated this way. Thank you for your strength in explaining it all. You are so corageous, and it is clear that others on this site also derive strength from you.
I keep you, and all those who have experiences similar to yours, close to my heart.
Much love,
Rob,
Thank you so much for speaking up and for your honesty. This is something that has always bothered me about male sexual abuse. I had a partner who was also sexually abused and raped as a child. After we had broken up, I told another male friend who didn’t know him about his abuse. He asked how could I have slept with him. Then I told another male friend and he didn’t even blink an eye. Does no one seem to care if a male is sexually abused? I am so sorry that they willingly ignored your pain and your own sexual abuse in order to accuse you of abusing. Thanks again for what you are doing and for trying to end this injustice. Keep speaking up and reaching out!
Don’t disclose past lover’s abuse histories. You have no right.
Truly powerful experience and I am horrified that it happened. I’ve heard of the vampire effect, seen it in physical abuse but only seen it mentioned in cases calling for more treatment and support to help those who’ve suffered, never did I think it’d be used to treat someone in a pre-crime way!
Thank you for telling the truth about this.
I went to a showing of a documentary about male sexual abuse at our school of social work. The professor and social work students made it clear they believed sexually abused boys were sex offenders and should be in treatment with sex offenders. Even though the documentary talked at length of this harmful myth. They ignored it completely.
It’s clear to me this is being actively taught to people despite research to the contrary. I think it’s an example of feminist politics and it’s in part why I have no tolerance for feminism any longer. The weird thing is, it clear comes back to harm women whose husbands are silent about abuse and it’s effects, tears fathers away from their children and a world of other harms.
So, Rob, using the vampire myth in court is not “old school” at all. It’s state of the art in the feminist gender warrior’s arsenal of weapons of mass destruction.
Any public speaker/presenter in my presence ought never “go there.” I nearly lost it with the judge, and I could have taken-down the guard in the blink of an eye…but fortunately peace and love was groovy that very dark day in a New Hampshire courtroom.
Nevermind – I have an MSW and encourage you to challenge that crap along with notions that masturbation causes blindness, plants watered by a menstruating woman will die, boys raped by a man will become gay and women never ever molest their children.
Many of us seek a profession in the healing arts because of our own pathology and it would be a safe bet to say that half the folks in the school are survivors.
Write your next papers on this subject : “Dispelling myths of male victims.”
ALL victims need therapy. Perpetrators also need therapy. Not in the same group!
Political correctness often takes over curricula and all rational thought exits.
Good luck! mbcowan
mbcowan: I guess I resent you want ME to challenge such BS from “professionals”… I’m not a student there, I never applied, nor a social worker, and wouldn’t be heard any more than the film, having even less standing. Most professions police themselves (i.e. doctors) to maintain their reputations, so I hope YOU challenge that crap if you want “MSW” to have any credibility. I don’t.
Besides, what words could I say to cut through “their own pathology”? That’s therapy, and it takes a lot of words, more than I have time for. When “rational thought exits”? That’s my responsibility somehow? To … heal them?
No it’s an utter abuse of power. A betrayal of trust. And I give up my power being somehow responsible for them. I’m not. I’ll just not be abused by them. I think we agree then, it’s politics (which is about power), not scientific truth. It’s weird how organizations of survivors become like survivors themselves. Victim becomes perpetrator. The victim triangle.
BTW, I’m glad as an offender you are speaking out here on GMP. That’s more rare than even male survivors. Perhaps you could write more about that.
That is horrible and I commend you for telling your story. Isn’t it sad that a person falls in love with someone, marries them and has kids with them…and this same person can be so vile in court? The person who was once so in love with you?
I also had prejudices about males who were sexually molested. I have two male friends who confided in me that they were sexually abused as kids. I was shocked b/c these were men who were attractive strongly built masculine men who had college degrees and led a very “manly” and “regular” life. I don’t know what my stereotype of males who were molested was exactly but these men did not fit that stereotype for me.
I have also always thought for some reason it is mostly little girls who are molested, not boys. Lately more and more boys and men are coming out with their stories and it is becoming more clear that many boys are indeed victims of sexual abuse/molestation.
I have a girlfriend who has been very damaged from being sexually abused by her mother’s boyfriend when she was growing up. She told me she fantasized about putting poison in his coffee. I almost wish she had.
The incidents are real and in outrageous numbers. Many of us experience true Hell. We’ve never had license to disclose until the past two decades, but only about 1% ever will.