A line overheard at the beach leads Thomas Fiffer to call for all men to speak out against aggression and violence.
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Yesterday, I took my boys to the beach. A beautiful beach in a beautiful suburb. A peaceful place where parents and kids play and picnic, read and relax, socialize, and soak up the sun. A place where aggression and violence are virtually absent, except in the spirited exertions of children chasing their friends, pumping their water pistols, or pelting each other playfully with fistfuls of wet sand, despite their parents’ pleas to stop. An idyllic place where nothing bad happens. The sun was shining, and the sand was warm beneath my feet. But what I heard there left me cold.
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The sun was shining, and the sand was warm beneath my feet. But what I heard there left me cold.
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As a writer, I have learned to be a snoop. I constantly observe people around me, cataloging curious traits and behaviors, and I listen in on conversations hoping to hear tidbits and gems. It’s a habit all writers will confess to, and it holds our secret to making characters real. You can also learn a great deal about people from only a few words, and yesterday offered a shocking revelation. As the family sprawled out on the sand next to us—father, mother, young boy and girl, and a tanned old lizard of a man who appeared to be the grandfather—was getting ready to leave, the little girl, six or so, ran petulantly to her father. “Daddy!” she cried, her upset clouding her face as she stared up at him, “Daddy! Grant pushed me.” Grant, her brother, appeared to be about a year older.
I ran through the responses I use when one of my sons goes after the other in a way that is unbrotherly and mean.
“Apologize to your brother so we can clear this.”
“We solve problems with words, not fists.”
“It’s my job to protect you, including from each other.”
From the looks of the father—the cast of his eyes, his aggressive posturing—I figured his answer might be different, but I could not believe what I heard him say.
“Get used to it, Schuyler. That’s what men do.”
I felt sick.
Horrified.
Disgusted by the distressing knowledge that this human example of what is wrong with our culture was … right.
And painfully aware of how the cycle of aggression and violence gets repeated and reinforced.
In the second I heard those words, the rotten root of the tree was bared, the root nourished by the toxic streams of entitlement and hatred, the root beneath the tree that bears the bitter fruits of male disrespect and contempt.
The father was not addressing his son’s aggression towards women.
He was not supporting his daughter’s right to respectful treatment.
He may have thought he was preparing Schuyler for the reality of a world in which she’ll inevitably be mistreated.
But his validation of that world, and his refusal to raise an emotionally intelligent son and an assertive, confident daughter, made my heart sink on to the sand.
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My younger son was off at the playground, but my older boy was with me when the father spoke, and I turned what I heard into a teachable moment for him. I told him I was astonished at what the man had said to his daughter. I told him I wanted to say something but saw no point in confrontation, knowing it wouldn’t change anything. But I determined to make a difference where I could. I made it clear to my son, who is about to be a teenager, that pushing women around is not “what men do.” I said, “It’s what pigs do, and that man is a pig.”
I made it clear to my son, who is about to be a teenager, that pushing women around is not “what men do.” I said, “It’s what pigs do, and that man is a pig.”
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Later, as my son and I were sitting up on the lifeguard chair looking out at the sun-dappled waters of the Sound, he asked me why women become prostitutes. I explained that it’s complicated and offered the thought that some women grow up with a lack of self-esteem or sense of their value, and that as prostitutes they may feel valued for their bodies when they exchange sex for money. I don’t know if that’s the right answer, but I do know that little Schuyler will not grow up knowing her value, that she will believe she is less worthy than men, and that she will lack the courage to demand equal treatment. Her father is making sure of that, because he wants a world that puts his needs first, a world of submissive women who think it’s OK for men to push them around.
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Male aggression and violence are endemic because they are embedded.
Because parents like Schuyler’s father raise boys to feel entitled and girls to take their lumps without complaint.
Too many boys grow up with modeling that molds them into misogynistic monsters.
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Not all men are like the pig on the beach, but too many are. Too many boys grow up with modeling that molds them into misogynistic monsters, under influences that enable and allow them to be violent, controlling, and dominating without question, in a paradigm of fear-based respect that tells them they are less of a man if they don’t put their foot down and squash women into second place.
In the wake of the Isla Vista shooting, women have created the hashtag #yesallwomen to show that all women experience male aggression, even though #notallmen behave aggressively.
I believe men must counter with a new code of conduct, a new paradigm of respect that eliminates aggression and violence.
Based on the words I overheard at the beach, I’ve created a new hashtag: #notwhatmendo.
And I’m calling for all men to stand up, speak out, and model a new standard of behavior.
Whenever we see aggression and violence, wherever we encounter it, when it’s spoken, suggested, or acted, and with every opportunity we have to show our children and the world what we’re made of, we must speak out against it. We must unite and say, “No, that’s not what men do.”
Photo—marcsiegert/Flickr
Well, that may be a valid point, super.I certainly hope that’s not just being more free to be who they really are. We’ve been trying to temper the so called innate nature of men, which BTW I don’t believe is really innate. But if it is, then as a human animal too, then it’s probably innate in women too. Scary thought for the species as a whole. So is it also possible that in this scenario the feminist movement brought this out, instead of a better nature of who they might be?
I think a lot of female on men aggression today is a product of ever more patriarchy in our culture. Kind of if you can’t beat them join them thinking. Part of the post feminist push for equality, so become more like a man and you’ll be treated better and get more stuff. I even hear lots of women say the same thing to women as men do to other men, especially the younger women-stop being such a pussy. It’s interesting. Not right, but interesting to see. There also may be a bit of one upmanship going on too. Ad… Read more »
Mark, you brought up a really good point! I see that to with women. There does seem to be more stories about younger girls being violent with other girls then there use to be. I think a lot of girls have gotten the message that anything that had previously been connected with the feminine, being more gentle, vulnerable, tender; isn’t as worthy as being strong, defensive, indestructible, tough. I even see it with the way today’s younger women easily accept porn. They don’t seem to care how their gender is represented in it. There seems to be a growing collective… Read more »
Mark, or is it that women to day are more free to express who they really are?
I wonder what that father would have said if the little sister had hit the older brother?
Aggression =/= violence. There are also different types of violence. Kick boxing is violent, but it’s also a sport. Like you I didn’t think men should use their superior strength advantage and fight defensively when confronted by a woman. You know who didn’t? My female sparring partner. She displayed her displeasure by starting off our match with three successive kicks to my groin. Was I disrespecting her or was I being a good man? There was a young man who came with a friend to a party. He only knew the guy he came with. I don’t want to sound… Read more »
I believe this attitude stems from the real fact that boys don’t really respect members of their own gender either.
“parents like Schuyler’s father raise boys to feel entitled and girls to take their lumps without complaint.”
The reason way boys feel entitled is due to boys having to take their lumps. They’re expected to deal with the same treatment that they dish out. If they don’t then they’re Hippocrates. Some people you just can’t reach so you get cases of people mistreating each other because that is what they want, what they expect.
Kez, Thanks for sharing your story and moving words. I heartily agree with the part about men not understanding why their fear and control-based relationships fall apart.
I once witnessed a family after a junior AFL (Aussie Rules football) game. I was at a bakery and they were obviously stopping by for their post game lunch. A man was berating his son (who looked about 10 years old). He was saying, “You have to SMASH the other player. Get in there and SMASH them. That was pathetic.” Now I know it’s a contact sport, but there was something in his tone. He sounded ashamed of his son for not being violent or dirty enough in his tactics. He sounded mad. He may as well have been saying,… Read more »
I find it so infuriating that people come to this site and bitch when they find self-improvement articles about men particularly about interactions with women with men offering that advice. Not only do you completely invalidate the author’s opinions by insisting he is too simple to understand the topic he is discussing, but what were you expecting? That this site would just pat you quietly in the back and whisper sweet reassurance that all your opinions are correct?! If you’re not lookin to have a conversation (which has differing view points) about the role of men in society and as… Read more »
Dan, Thank you very, very much.
You mirror my thoughts exactly Dan!
I’m new to this site and am already amazed as to how many people post straw-man arguments to valid posts!
Thanks for the article Thomas, we need to be aware of these attitudes to better educate the next generation.
Thanks, Alan. I’m used to the straw-man comments by now. They don’t deter me.
Just another simplistic Men=Bad, Women=Good article. This could have been a Dr Phil episode.
Did you even read the article?
Yes, and if he was that offended, why didn’t he say something to the other father?
Wes, I used the experience to teach a lesson to my own child. I chose not to create an experience for my son that potentially involved more violence or an ugly confrontation with the other father. I don’t believe that confronting him would have made much of a difference for him or his children, so I chose to make a difference where I could. And I chose to share my experience on this platform to educate others.
Enough already. Enough with male shaming. Yes, there are aggressive and violent men out there. You wanna know a secret? There are just as many, if not more violent and aggressive women out there too. Stop labeling men as society’s aggressors and women as the victims. We need to stop violence against All people.. Men have feelings too, in case you missed it. #NotAllMen
Razor, Not every article about men who act badly needs to mention that women act badly, too. This is The Good Men Project, not The Good People Project. We’re open about our slant, which is in no way anti-men. I’m not labeling men as aggressors and women as victims. I’m pointing out an example in which a man modeled a life of victimhood for his daughter and labeling him specifically as a pig. I’m saying we need to change that modeling and move beyond #notallmen. If you’d like to submit an article here about violent and aggressive women, I’d be… Read more »
Thank you, Thomas. There is a population of readers of GMP who respond to any article about men by saying, “This needs to apply to women, too.” However, when an article targets both men and women in its discussion, they’re also usually the first to say “I thought this was the Good *Men* Project!”
Your article calls on men to stop being aggressive towards women? How about a call to ALL people to quit being violent towards each other? Many women are violent towards males be it their sons or husbands/ boyfriends or just towards men in general. And how about calling for men to also quit being violent towards each other? Men are far more violent towards other men than towards women! 4 out of 5 people killed in the world are men- not women- despite the fact that all the calls are for violence towards women be reduced. In any war, innocent… Read more »
I think the author meant all violence with this line and not just against women – “I believe men must counter with a new code of conduct, a new paradigm of respect that eliminates aggression and violence. “
Archy, You are correct. Men need to stand up against all aggressive and violent behavior.
When you say “all,” do you mean “all? Aggression and violence (and anger) are normal, natural, and even desirable in some respects. The true key is control. The key is knowing when it is appropriate to act in those ways. In self-defense, aggression and violence are GOOD. In defense of others, they are GOOD. The key to growing up is to learn when it is appropriate to let your anger drive your actions, when aggression is usefule, and when violence is warranted. I agree this father taught both of his children bad lessons that day. He could have taught them… Read more »
I’d say he means aggressive + violent behaviour, stuff that causes others harm. Aggression is ok when controlled for sports, etc but non-consenting violence is not.
I saw a lesbian couple have one start getting pushy yesterday, I was starting to wind down the window to tell her to stop that shit but she stopped on her own. Every instance of domestic violence I’ve seen in public in the last 10+ years has been a woman hitting a man, and first time was woman hitting a woman yesterday. Whilst men have severely limited their violence in public, women are still yet to catch up it seems. I’ll speak out against all violence regardless of who it is. But the cynic in me knows I will probably… Read more »
Domestic violence fatalities, mostly women. Your point is invalid.
1/3rd of the fatalies are men, your dismissiveness is not needed. The number of people who’s lives are harmed, amount who suffer depression, pain, etc dwarf the fatalities by many magnitudes anyway.
Where is your evidence that females commit such large amounts of violence crimes against males? Right now you sound like a little boy on a playground who has been part of some wrong doing who is eager to cast blame from himself and his friends onto the very people just wronged.
I think what Razorr may be saying is that with the playing field being almost even, women being as aggressive, isn’t it about time to start to shed more light on women/girls as the aggressors? More light? Heck, any light would be welcome at this point. Personally, I’m tired of the same old same old …. BAD men/boys.
Patrick, you need to update yourself on more recent information that’s being presented about female violence against men AND women. Some of the information I’m referring to has been presented by GMP writers as well as respondents.
Tom, I’m all for more well-documented articles about women’s aggression towards men. It’s just that this isn’t one of those articles and, I believe, deserves to stand on its own merits.
@ Tom Brechlin
There is light shone on it and guess what, it gets laughed off. Just look at that Jay Z / Solange Knowles thing. Articles seem to focus on speculating on why he was attacked rather than her attacking him was domestic violence.
I agree Thomas about this site being the good men project, but I can advice you to simply put a disclaimer on top where you acknowledge violent women but this article focus on men. This alone will erase lots of the concerns and complains, and prevent others. Finally even if this is a men site, there are plenty of women visiting this place, sadly alot of them still believes that men are the ones who need to be fixed, and there are lot of men here who had endured lots of abuse by women and girls. So a blog post… Read more »
@ Thomas This is where I’m going to disagree with you. I’ve notice a pattern in articles about abuse. When the article is focused on the perpetrator and the vast majority of the articles on GMP concerning male perpetrated violence is focused on the perpetrator, we get the defensive, “derailing” (Yes, I out derailing in quotes), comments. Most articles on GMP which talk about female abusers, focus on the male victim. Articles such as an open letter to women who have been raped (by men), which acknowledge male perpetrated violence, but focus on the female victim haven’t had the but… Read more »
John, I will try answer the question you ask at the end of your comment. When one of my sons uses violence against the other, the first thing I say after making it stop is, “Do I model that for you? Do I ever use violence to solve problems in our family?” After they agree that I don’t, I try to address whatever precipitated the conflict. In the father’s case, since he didn’t see the offending act, he might have asked Schuyler, “Why did Grant hurt you? Was he angry about something?” Then he might have called Grant over and… Read more »
Men commit over three times as many violent crimes as women. So they are objectively more violent than women.
Not all violence is physical and reported.
“Men commit over three times as many violent crimes as women. So they are objectively more violent than women.” Objectively, that is just contentious gender biasing. By your logic, you could just as easily say men are, then, -precisely and ‘objectively’- three times more violent than women. So then, which men? The truth is that ‘men’ are ‘objectively’ and ‘collectively’ no more violent and no less violent than anyone else, because by itself, gender as a litmus test has no meaning. We collectivize and partition others to the extent to which we seek to isolate & lay blame. But to… Read more »
My comment was in response to Razor saying “here are just as many, if not more violent and aggressive women out there too. Stop labeling men as society’s aggressors and women as the victims.” Men commit three times as many violent crimes, so saying that women are just as violent as men is BS. Collectively, statistically, men in the U.S. are three times more likely to commit violent crimes as women. Of course that doesn’t mean that each individual man is three times more violent than each individual woman, or that all men are violent. But we as a group… Read more »
“Of course that doesn’t mean that each individual man is three times more violent than each individual woman, or that all men are violent. But we as a group are more violent than women.” It’s the grouping itself that’s the problem- there’s an important difference to remember: Of the people who commit violence, of THAT grouping, yes, they are about three times more likely to be male than female. But what you’ve done is something slightly (but vitally) different- you’re asserting that men themselves, as a group, are more violent, because they are male. It assumes that gender is a… Read more »
That’s simply not true. In every category of violent crime, by every measure used by criminologists, men are far more violent than women. Period.
Look at the PREA stats. Female prisoners are three times as likely to be abused by another prisoner than a man while female staff perpetrate 80% of the staff perpetrated rape. When different categories of DV get included men can be anywhere from 33% of the victims to over 50% of the victims. Men aren’t “more violent” than women. It may be a mixture of having more opportunity being on average physically larger than women and being more recognized. Female violence is often ignored. We’re more likely to be concerned with the woman with the knocked out teeth than the… Read more »