Jessica Bahr unpacks some of the assumptions behind femmephobia, and how devaluing women devalues men on a fundamental level.
(Inspired by the article called, The Opposite of ‘Man’ is ‘Boy,’ Not ‘Woman,’ by Hugo Schwayer, published in Jezebel and The Good Men Project)
I like this article for what it illuminates. However, the deeper issue, which Hugo alludes to, but doesn’t really address, is that men find it so insulting to be associated with anything feminine, and will avoid this association at all costs (this starts in boyhood). There in lies the major problem, one that hurts both genders, and also rips them apart. This fear of the feminine not only disrespects and marginalizes women and anything female (which shows up in a litany of ways – from the subtle to the brutal), it also cuts men off from their full spectrum of humanity, which includes the “feminine” qualities, and in fact demonizes these qualities (leaving men behind developmentally, spiritually, emotionally, sexually, and psychologically), and leaves relationships asunder in the wake.
How unfair to everyone and what a war of separateness this mentality wages on humanity. And the fight to bridge that great divide seems futile to anyone who tries, given the deeply entrenched conditioning around it – making sure everyone knows their place…and if it’s feminine – it’s not a good one. That is the underlying message. And as the article notes, over-compensating hyper masculinity isn’t working out well (!).
In general, women don’t have a problem with being told they have masculine qualities, or performing what has traditionally been deemed masculine or manly, in fact it’s something we’ve strived for to gain equal footing, believing we would finally be valued for being able to offer what the culture values. We also had to do it out of necessity to survive in a patriarchal world that wasn’t showing any signs of accommodating or accepting feminine ways of being anytime soon.
It starts simply enough - as a kid, I remember playing video games with my male friends and them refusing to be a female character in the game (not that there were many to choose from back then – and the ones today are pornified caricatures), and often I had no choice but to play the male character, and I didn’t think twice about it…there was no shame in it for one, and two, well, I guess I was desensitized to the idea of simply not having my gender represented in that and many other ways (especially empowering ones). It was like we didn’t matter…and if you wanted to play, you became a boy in whatever way you needed to, to feel safe and/or comfortable…more accepted. But it was never the reverse.
Also in my youth (and I’m sure it hasn’t changed), I remember it was the worst insult for boys to call each other a girl. I remember feeling so much hurt and pain when I heard this – from a very early age…almost as if a foreigner in a strange land. At times it was shocking, numbing. I felt like I was seen as less than and as something/someone they did not want to be like in anyway shape or form, and also that to be a girl was an embarrassment overall to the very society that bore her. And the fact that this behavior was normalized made it worse.
That is a lot of shame to internalize just for having been born with a vagina. A projected shame, not our own. So I constantly was undoing in myself what was being projected onto me by the culture, and even by the people I loved. As a tomboy, I was always proving that I could be both; both protecting my girl-ness and doing what it took to fit in and be taken seriously, which ironically meant having to subdue my femaleness at times and act like a boy. But I knew early on that I could not and would not accept that blatant disparity and discrimination for the part of me that was feminine; that was my birthright – and that I would find ways to live in a female bashing society, while not selling myself out. It’s an ongoing feat.
As I got older I learned that there was a “feminine” aspect that was accepted and “valued” in our culture after all – and it had to do with prettiness and sexualization. That version of feminine was acceptable; this is where we knew our place, or rather were put in our place. The irony there is that even that idea was projected onto me. It was an over-exaggerated distortion of femininity (a perversion) as defined by someone else (not women, though they would buy into it). It wasn’t MY own sexuality or my natural appearance that would be valued, it was the gluttonously egoic patriarchal one, which included dictatorial control of everything from how a woman should look, to the noises she should make when she cums.
Pornography and objectification replaced authenticity – in one of the most organic, natural and intimate parts of our lives – and another perpetual battle would render many casualties in the war between the genders, ironically in an area where once a natural and pleasurable union (literally) was formed. Now people – adults, scramble to play in the game; where they have become the dehumanized pawns, the interchangeable game pieces, having lost any sense of what it means to be a man or a woman, lest a human being who values all the healthy aspects of both.
And this aspect of femininity – the sexual/beauty aspect, would also be the primary thing used against woman (even CEOs and senators, authors and activists) wherever all other progress was made – where the so-called reward is a backlash punishment of objectification, ridicule, diminishment, and lack of intimacy in personal relationships from male counterparts who are conditioned to be caught up in the image of a woman (to the point of addiction), more than the heart and mind of her.
Going back to the original article that spawned this writing, I agree that the opposite of manhood isn’t womanhood, it is boyhood – and that manhood and womanhood both require a maturity, a conscious growing up and showing up in our fullness….all those things Hugo mentions or implies – integrity, commitment, responsibility, etc. It’s not about doing it better or even different than the other gender, but doing it better than we previously did, or than those who came before us. Evolution is not about further distinguishing ourselves from one another because of some negative and harmful association we have with the other gender, it’s about outgrowing the conditioning that caused the association- the unnatural divide, and celebrating and embracing the healthy versions of both – in ourselves and one another.
Photo—Couple arguing from Shutterstock
About Jessica Bahr
Excellent post and very moving. I think the shame of one’s own femininity and trying to ‘rise’ to the level of masculinity is something that every girl and woman can relate to.
Thank you!
I cannot say this adamantly enough. The strait-jacket of acceptable behavior for men is NOT gender oppression of women. This would be like me saying that slut-shaming of men is gender oppression of me.
Women are allowed to be as masculine as they want with very mild (comparatively) negative consequence. Why? It’s not because masculinity is lifted above femininity. It is because even when a woman acts masculine, she still has value as a woman (her womb, and sexuality).
Men do not inherently have value the way women do for their bodies. A woman always has womanhood no matter how she behaves, because of her inherent perceived worth.
In order for men to achieve manhood (and societal value) they must perform the male role of making themselves useful to a woman, others, or society. There are many ways in which men can “fail” at manhood besides acting feminine. Not sticking up for themselves or loved ones, not initiating approaches with women, being lazy, disinterest in sex and many others.
Again, the strait-jacket placed upon men’s behavior is NOT a gender oppression of women. It is a point-blank dehumanization of men and nothing more. Additionally, it is something that women do not have to cope with.
2nd sentence should have said:
This would be like me saying that slut-shaming of women is gender oppression of men.
You say: “Women are allowed to be as masculine as they want with very mild (comparatively) negative consequence.” That is my point…we can be masculine with little consequence because it’s accepted, the consequence/backlash comes when we are authentically female/feminine. I don’t think you got that part of my article. That we’re all expected to be one way, and it’s not ‘feminine,’ or those traits considered to be feminine.
Where is this place you speak of where women’s bodies, wombs, sexuality and reproductive abilities are valued? If you think women’s bodies are valued, I’m afraid we live in very different realities. I really don’t want to get into the statistics of what is happening to women’s bodies or how child bearing is leaving a great number of women desolate, abandoned, vulnerable and impoverished. Women and children make up the majority of poorest people in this country and the world…valued, I don’t think so.
We will always have womanhood to fall back on?? As if that’s a safety net? Right now and throughout history womanhood has not been a safe place to be; women have been attacked and disparaged just for their gender alone. In our not too distant past, major world religions believed women to not even have souls or personhood status. So I wouldn’t hail womanhood as an argument for why you have it worse.
I do agree with you that men are being dehumanized. I believe the system (Patriarchy) dehumanizes both men and women, and that was the point I was making in the article. The same people who are oppressing me are the same people who are oppressing you and they’re pinning us against each other because it supports the agenda of the very powerful, few elite to wage war, “divide and conquer.” The conditioning is coming from the same place. It is our responsibility to recognize this and change it, or at the very least not buy into it.
Jessica. I wish you were as well versed in the harm of male gender roles on men as you seem to be for women. The simple fact is that despite what you say about finances, men account for 90% of the destitute chronic homeless, many of whom are nameless and don’t get logged into census takers household income reports. Meanwhile, women and children make up some 90% of those in transitional housing.
In other words, what you say may be factually true, but the social safety net is obviously reserved for women and/or women and children. Men are 80% the targets of stranger violence, 95% of on the job deaths, and commit 80% of all suicides. Men are 95% of the incarcerated, and 35% of college enrollment.
Additionally, despite some 40 years of research showing DV has almost exact gender symmetry in who initiates, there are very anti-male DV laws which deny services to male victims of DV AND THEIR CHILDREN.
VAWA rules for STOP (violence) shelter funding specifically states that no DV resources can go to children unless it is attached to an adult women seeking services.
For men the perception of individual strength is men’s greatest weakness as a class. Men are never supposed to express suffering, and when they do they largely get revulsion instead of empathy.
For women the perception of individual weakness is women’s greatest strength as a class. When women express suffering people sit up and take notice. Look to highly discriminatory programs like WIC and VAWA, which specifically legally (but not ethically) exclude men.
Once again, it’s not about society valuing masculinity over femininity, but the fact women being masculine are still valued for being female-bodied. Male bodies have no value. In the sexual marketplace an egg goes for $50k, a womb goes for a cool million and sperm is free.
I’m not going to deny this brings negatives to women: they can never escape being valued for only their body–they will be denied accolades for achievements.
But the negatives for men are disastrous as well. Millions of men dominate the bottom of the power pyramid and about equal numbers to the way men dominate the top. But at the bottom you are talking about MILLIONS of men who are not cared for or selected to be helped by the social safety net and nobody gives a rats ass.
In other words those who are male bodied are not valued for their bodies. Men are only valued when they prove that they are adept at self-sacrifice for others and being utilized.
It’s a good thing that male-bashing and devaluing men isn’t bad too, or we’d have no entertainment and advertising industries in America!
I agree, mainstream media is extremely disparaging of men! The same people/industries who are disparaging men are disparaging women. And they spin it as if all men are buying into that image or somehow benefit from it. Which we know is not true. We need to take an honest look at not only who is writing, producing and funding the media, but who is consuming it. Viewers equal ratings, equals money. We need to hold the media accountable, demand better programming and cease consuming what doesn’t serve us. We need different voices/representation – it’s long overdue.
While women might be depicted as individual body parts, men are depicted as targets of violence by both men and women right up to and including rape.
The level of violence depicted against men in movies and commercials would never be tolerated if depicted against women.
In the movie road trip a woman beats a man with an aluminum baseball bat because she suspects him of cheating. The funny part? It’s a case of mistaken identity and he wasn’t cheating after all. Isn’t that funny?
Do you think any movie would ever get made which contained a scene in which the genders are reversed in that scene? For men in media being turned into lusted for body parts would be an improvement. Men are often shown as outright useless and disposable.
John D. You write like a male baboon who lost his brain on the way up the banana tree. I mean, really.. “Again, the strait-jacket placed upon men’s behavior is NOT a gender oppression of women. It is a point-blank dehumanization of men and nothing more. Additionally, it is something that women do not have to cope with.” Women do not have to cope with point blank dehumanization? What mutanto planet are you living on? Its one thing for you to acknowledge that men suffer too, but to not notice that women are dehumanized, is like not noticing when your jimmy was stolen by goblins. I mean, it would be a little hard not to notice, eh big guy?
Passive Aggressive.
No coherence.
Complete rhetoric.
First of all, you really felt ashamed to have a vagina? Are you serious, what pity party are you appealing to? Who says that?? In such a generic way too. You didn’t say, “John Doe made me feel ashamed to have a vagina in his book on why vagina’s suck” You personalized an issue from an generic population. That is very passive aggressive.
Who made you feel ashamed? Did I? I am man. I didn’t? Than who?? Who personally attacked you, because it is not possible for an entire gender to take the blame for personal attack. You are being passive agressive against men. Not wanting to out right bash men, you mention a wound but generlize the attacker as men so that all men have to pick up the bill.
It’s a good thing you feel better about your lady parts because I don’t know anyone who will personally pick up that check you left out there for someone to pay.
Which brings me to coherence. Hey, I’m not the best writer, but I’m not post my bias opinions online either. So here I go.
How are you gonna title the piece on how men are devalued, but write the entire piece on how women are devalued. YOur conclusion doesn’t even do a follow up. That’s what really tipped me off on your passive aggressive “distaste” of men. You couldn’t even SLIGHTLY make men the victim, of anything. Seriously, you should retitle that. I was expecting some follow up, some conclusion, on how men devalue themselves because of their refusal to act like women. How does you coming to terms with your own feminitiy devalue me?
No answer from that piece, but I’m not your professor, eh, so what do you care?
Finally, I just wrote this entire thing off as complete rhetoric. Something nice to say, kinda like poetry… but no meaning.
Your writing is a follow up to an article titled the opposite of Manhood is boyhood… which, lacks even the basic reasoning skills of biology and metamorphosis. That’s like saying the opposite of a caterpillar is a butterfly. If you can’t even follow up your reason with basis high school science, it is just rhetoric.
Just to envoke a feeling, but no realistic meaning. Why so passive about it?
Women don’t like feminine men (at least not sexually), so that gives men noo reason to act like women. Solve that problem first.
@Kofybean: I like men with a feminine side. In fact I prefer them and find them much more attractive than “manly” men. Your stereotypes are in your head. Your response was full of insults, and not helpful or well thought out. It seemed venomous and passive aggressive, actually.
@Jessica: Thanks for the article. It’s nice to read something that speaks about what I have experienced with female gender bashing, and how much it hurts. I’m all grown up now, and it still hurts. It’s not being passive aggressive to mention that something hurts you. It’s just stating a fact. Also I agree that it hurts both men and women.
@John D: Thanks for your thoughts, I read what you wrote and honestly I didn’t really see it that way before. I agree with a lot of what you said. You are not a baboon like someone else said.
This is a cool page! Let’s keep the poo flinging to a minimum. Perhaps we can communicate.