To stop abuse before it starts, Elisabeth Corey says we need to start with the belief systems that perpetuate it.
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When I was a child, I was taught that sex was about power. More importantly, I was taught that sex was about a power differential. My needs, wants and concerns were of no interest to my abuser. And “no” was never an acceptable response to my abuser’s desires. I internalized that message. I grew up expecting sex and relationships to be unhealthy. And I unknowingly searched that out. Abuse was familiar. It was what I knew.
The worst part wasn’t the abusive relationship. It was the internal belief systems that each relationship confirmed.
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The worst part wasn’t the abusive relationship. It was the internal belief systems that each relationship confirmed. I was convinced that the power differential was critical to an intimate relationship. And I was unable to be in a healthy relationship because of that. I even considered healthy relationships to be boring or unfulfilling. I saw them as fake. I thought there was no way people could genuinely care about each other. I thought the only passion that could exist in a relationship was abusive.
So, I moved from one abusive relationship to another. I dated men who were emotionally, physically and sexually abusive. I used to lock myself in the bedroom after my partner would drink because he would yell at me for hours. I married a man who added no value or income to the relationship, even after children were born, because I thought this was the best I could expect. And I told myself it was my choice. I made up excuses as to why these relationships worked for me. I acted as though I was empowered in the relationship and could leave at any time. And in a perfect world, I could have left at any time. In a perfect world, I would have left.
But I wasn’t as empowered as I thought. I was inundated with beliefs that I was not good enough for anything better.
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But I wasn’t as empowered as I thought. I was inundated with beliefs that I was not good enough for anything better. I believed that the only person I could attract would exhibit abusive behaviors. I was sure that nobody who could love me, would love me. And so I stayed. I stayed too long, until I didn’t stay, until I woke up, until I realized I wasn’t empowered in that relationship. It was just a mask, a façade that I wore for others.
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The internalized abuse makes the external abuse seem like the only option, even the exciting option.
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I have been reading the posts about Fifty Shades of Grey, the posts about how it is abuse. And I have also read many of the comments. They say the same thing. “But it’s the women who are reading it.” “But she made the choice to stay.” “But she made the choice to leave.” And those comments are factually correct, but they are missing something. The internalized abuse makes the external abuse seem like the only option, even the exciting option. The internalized abuse makes us want the unhealthy. It alters our cognitive functioning. And bad “choices” prevail.
So if we want to stop abuse, we also have to stop abusive conditioning in childhood, because stopping abuse is not only about stopping a perpetrator. It is about stopping the mindset of the victims that allow the abuse to happen, that expect the abuse to happen. And this is not victim-blaming. This is taking a culture and turning it on its head. This is changing the way we see the world by examining our approach to victims of abuse in childhood and adulthood. We need to stop the blaming and finger-pointing and start looking deeper. Where is this coming from? How are we making abuse acceptable in our society?
Fifty Shades of Grey glamorizes abuse, not because she doesn’t have a choice, but because she thinks she doesn’t.
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Fifty Shades of Grey glamorizes abuse, not because she doesn’t have a choice, but because she thinks she doesn’t. And it is dangerous, not because of the sex. I am not judging the sex. We all need healthy sex. t is dangerous because we are teaching women that it is ok to continue their abusive relationships in adulthood. We are teaching women that they don’t have to examine the affects of their abuse and work on empowering themselves. All they have to do is find the next abuser, the next bad situation that leaves them feeling like they are not worthy of love. This doesn’t break the cycle of gender-based violence in our culture. This perpetuates it. And that is not acceptable.
Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-656-HOPE for the National Sexual Assault Hotline.
Originally published on The Huffington Post.
Photo—Andy Magee/Flickr
Elizabeth, I can’t help but wonder if those women who so eagerly embrace this movie and the book that it comes from would feel the same if they had endured what you and far to many others have in your lifetime?
Actually, I am writing that some abuse victims might prefer this type of relationship because of their abusive experiences. It is familiar.
But do you think it’s healthy?
All my life, it was DRILLED into my head, Respect your mother, protect your (younger) sisters, respect and protect ALL females! I grew up, married and had 3 daughters who I cherished and protected. Then ’50 Shades of Grey’ comes out, sells 100 million copies of ‘one handed’ reading, gets turned into a soft core BDSM porno that grosses 82 million dollars in 3DAYS with something like a85% female audience and here I am thinking ,WTF is EVERYTHING I learned in my life wrong?
bobbt
NO,.what you learned was not wrong.
So, could someone please explain this to me?
We need to teach respect for all people, but most of all, and this was the point of my article, we need to teach self respect. Abusive parents teach children not to respect others or themselves.
As someone who grew up in the ‘Golden Age’ of corporal punishment, I can assure you I recieved my fair share of beating at a fairly young age. (Dr. Benjamin Spock’s book on understanding your child came out when I was very young, but my mother considered him the ‘Anti-Christ’ or something similar) Either way , when I caught a beating for, I don’t know, forgetting to take out the garbage or something, I can assure you I felt no sense of sexual pleasure.
“And ‘no’ was never an acceptable answer to an abuser’s desires….”
Gaining the strength to just say “no” and walk away from an abusive situation can be overwhelming and frightening…I risked a lot doing that a long time ago….
“50 Shades” for good or bad…it brings up an important conversation…how do we interpret it? Do we accept what it says or do we reject it and question everything about it?
I think we have to question everything. As long as the messages are not for the greater good, they must be questioned.