I was sitting on the patio having my morning Coca-Cola, when I came across the most disturbing article title, Is it Rape or Incest? Giving Abuse a Politically Acceptable Name. I didn’t think I’d ever heard of a politically acceptable name for abuse. Have you?
I was compelled to read on. The author went on to say, “RAPE. In any other realm outside of a family member would be referred to by its justified name, rape. My daughter was raped at age 3. I don’t call it incest, I call it what it is, rape. Because it was done by a very trusted family member doesn’t change what happened. The act is the same. Whether it was a family member or complete stranger, rape is still rape. Being raped by someone in your family doesn’t make it less of a crime.”
Being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, this got me to thinking about the other monikers associated with “any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person “as defined by Webster’s as Rape. Some of the names we associate with it are, “Date-Rape”, “Molestation”, “Statutory Rape”, “Despoilment”, and I even used one when describing what happened to me as a little boy, “Abuse”.
What makes us want to alter the name depending on the circumstances of the act? Is it to make us, as the victims of crime, feel less ashamed or dirty? Good luck with that. I can tell you that won’t work. Is it to make us as individuals feel less threatened as we consider “what happens elsewhere” or “not in my backyard”? Or is it to make us, as a society, feel less of a failure for not protecting our most precious resource, our children?
Whatever the rationale, none of it matters because none of it works or is justified. As the author of the article and I discussed on her blog, Rape is Rape. Period. And if no penetration occurs, someone still takes away the sexual innocence of a child, so therefore it is still rape. As I said in response to her post and she agreed, we must quit calling things by what is “socially acceptable” and call a spade a spade. Shouldn’t we cease labelling these crimes as date-rape, statutory rape or any other watered-down version of the harsh reality? It’s ALL rape. Shouldn’t we do all we can to prevent rape in the first place and to support all survivors of all forms of this criminal act?
Ah, therein lies the rub. To DO something by its definition requires ACTION. And that’s a tough pill to swallow, especially with our busy schedules. Breakfast and lunches to fix for multiple kids, soccer practices and piano lessons, conference calls to Europe and Asia, and on and on…where on earth will we find the time? Want to know when? When, God forbid, it happens to one of ours. It seems as only then do we realize how important raising awareness is, because “if we had only known; and we sure don’t want anyone else to go through this”.
Here’s an idea from a really smart guy: “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” Frederick Douglass said that some time ago, and it’s still true today. Let’s prevent rape before it happens.
Don’t know how? Take a look online and see how many groups out there for survivors of rape, domestic violence, childhood sexual abuse there are…trust me when I say, there is no end to the lists of organizations. Join one and help be a part of the solution.
That’s just one man’s opinion.
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I agree “rape is not sex and sex is not rape.” We are further than 30 years ago but inequality along with passion can still be infuriating. I empathize with everyone whose spoken.
That’s exactly right, David; calling it rape (without the sanitizing and watering down cover terms) should, I hope, start to change sentencing for child rapists. We need to get rid of the statute of limitations for rape, too. By the time I was even able to consider being strong enough to report or not, I was past the Texas statute of limitations. Children brutalized by rape, especially those who received no help until years or decades later, often take many years to be able to report and deal with the fallout and legal steps afterward. Those who report need a… Read more »
I agree “sex is not rape and rape is not sex” I believe that rape in any for against anyone of any age, gender, race is criminal and be treated as such (hence inconsistent response and prosecution, ect. Ignorance is the problem that people say incorrect terms or bias from one’s own experience. I think we are all here in this group because we want to not discriminate. I hope society here and around the world will catch up with what we know all too well. I do not think we would be having this discussion 30 years ago so… Read more »
@ Danny: I’ve seen “female teacher rapes male student” called an “affair” and the boy called “lucky” far too often. I may have to agree with you about hierarchy. I know what you’re saying, but I prefer to think that rape is a crime that uses sex as its means, its vehicle, if you will. Of course, the same body parts are involved, and some of the mechanics. As a raped child told it was time to provide sex, though, it has been a trigger problem at times when an intimate partner says, “Let’s have sex.” I often wish my… Read more »
W.R.R./Danny, I’m with you on this W. Like you, I understand what Danny is saying, however, due to the symantics and vernacular we use in everyday language regarding sex, I believe it’s essential to differentiate sex from rape, if for no other reason, so that those of us who are or become eventual victims of the crime have a better chance of having some chance at a more normal, loving sexual relationship down the road. Also like yourself, because of the crimes perpetrated against me, I have had the same challenges with intimacy and if only what had happened been… Read more »
WRR: I know what you’re saying, but I prefer to think that rape is a crime that uses sex as its means, its vehicle, if you will. I can see that line of thought. A while back on a post around here somewhere I commented that rape was a way of the rapist telling the victim, “I’m going to exercise my power over you by making you perform of the most private, personal acts of all….and you can’t stop me.” As a raped child told it was time to provide sex, though, it has been a trigger problem at times… Read more »
As the main topic seems to be words/phrases that minimize rape, I’d like to add four that drive me nuts and make me angry: “the Sandusky sex scandal” and the advocacy terms “child sexual abuse” and “child sex trafficking”, and finally, “molestation” (when used in place of the word rape). Now, I’ll address them backwards: News reports that say a child was “molested” when the child was clearly penetrated and raped. Is this a legal terms muddled issue, like Danny suggested? To me, it’s all rape, agreeing with you, David. But if “molested” legally means “touched” (no penetration) why does… Read more »
I don’t get into “this abuse is worse than that abuse” as it can all damage and impair for life. Yet this “let’s soften it for the public” BS makes me nuts. While I agree that softening for the public does happen I’m still of the mind that a lot of it is straight hierarchy. There is a desire to hold up some sex crimes above others. Why? For political points? Activists looking out for their own? Who knows. A pedophile doesn’t “have sex with” a five-year-old boy or girl. He or she raped them. I realize I’m essentially arguing… Read more »
yet if your gonna say a perfectly willing 15 year old whos 7 months away from the age of consnet and is already sexually active happens to bang his 23 year old teacher multiple times..i cant and will not call that rape either i dont care if people want to tag “stautory” to the tag
W.R.R.,
One of the most enjoyable moments I get when reading comments is when I am taught, inspired or in any way further educated about the topic I chose to write. And in this instance you have done all three. I won’t bore the readers by re-listing out what you have already spoken on so susinctly, but I will say this…thank you. Thank you for putting a MUCH finer point to what was already being said and in a way that cut to the heart of the matter. Many, many thanks!!!
It happens more often the other way — calling relatively minor acts (groping, cat-call or a non-sexual punch) ‘sexual assault’. I rarely see people calling ‘rape’, say, ‘indecent exposure’. I see a lot of calling, say, public urination ‘indecent exposure’.
I don’t see this problem in the real world. I only see it in the fevered imaginations of the professionally aggrieved. We need fewer reasons to lock men up and throw away the key. The last thing this country needs is more of them.
Soullite, having been “groped” by a serial child molester and being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse – that meaning I was assaulted/raped from the time I was 12 until 15, it appears as though we see things differently. And I wish I had your perception and I’m thankful you’ve not had my experience. And if any men do these acts, they do need to be locked up so they won’t do it to any other children. Thank you for providing the thought process behind a different perspective.
What does any of that have to do with what I actually wrote? All you did there was change the subject. You didn’t respond to a single thing I said. If you want to be taken seriously, I suggest that you take others seriously. Stop battling straw men. Stop injecting irrelevant BS. Cut the scare quotes out of it, and stop trying to make this about you. If you wanted the discussion to be about your specific circumstances, then you should have written an article about that. You should not, however, try to twist other people’s comments so that you… Read more »
Soullite, since there has been a clear breakdown of communication I will make this response simpler so as not to confuse. I will take a line by line approach. You stated that “it happens more often the other way”, and “stop making this about me”. When I gave my personal experience I was not attempting to make it about me, I was simply using my own experience that refers to the empirical data from the CDC and NIH that 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually assaulted before the age of 18. When you said that… Read more »
to try and even call a 16 year old consnetually sleeping with a 24 year old rape is pure nonsense and shouldnt even be put on a level of actual rape anyone who beleives rape is rape is friggen stupid
Since there were some instances where my words were either misunderstood or just twisted, I thought it best to give an example of a real person, a woman who can speak truth and wisdom more so than most because she has lived what we have only been talking in theory. Her name is Patricia Singleton and I asked if I could quote her. Her response and blog follows. D.P. – Patricia, i have written an article that was published at The Good Men Project, and sadly there are some who I am not able to explain myself clearly. Would you… Read more »
to say all rape is rape is absoutley nonsense..and it actually downgrades actual rape..i am sorry if your gonna try and put things like stautory rape which change in every juridisdiction and state as the same as actual forced rape..or even rape at all is borderline moronic..just because goverment buercrats liek to make imagniary lines that change in every state making one 16 year old and a 21 year old aloving relaionship in one state but a rapist in the next is fricken RETARDED…not to mention the numbers game..oh mister jhonny boy at 15 and half can legally screw his… Read more »
Soul lite, in response to your “I don’t see this problem in the real world” statement, here’s some facts for you to consider, real world facts – http://www.invisiblechildren.org/2013/03/07/americas-child-abuse-problem-from-child-help/ – hope this helps.
Shouldn’t we cease labelling these crimes as date-rape, statutory rape or any other watered-down version of the harsh reality? I think one of the hardest obstacles (and possibly one of the reasons we have so many terms for it in the first place) is going to be the legal system itself. In the legal system rape is suddenly broken down into: Rape Sexual assault Aggrevated sexual assault Molestation Statutory rape Indecent liberties with a minor Sex acts with a minor Sexual battery …… I’d wager that some of these terms are meant to give a more detailed telling of what… Read more »
Danny, first let me say thank you for adding to the conversation. An intelligent dialogue was a primary reason for my writing this article. But another was not an attempt to change the wording of laws, but rather our mindset on what many, including myself, believe to be a feeling that acts of violence criminally labelled as molestation and abuse are somehow less than what we define to be rape. I agree with you that in some cases, the intent was to give a more detailed difference. What I feel has happened however, that some have relegated these as less… Read more »
What I feel has happened however, that some have relegated these as less of a crime. Agreed. What I wonder is is there some link between the mindset of the people and the wording of the law. As in does the mindset of the people influence the law, does the law influence the mindset of the people, or do they both influence each other? What I think you’ll run into (and I really should have been more clear about this in the first comment) when trying to change the mindset of the people is a resistance that will be backed… Read more »
Danny, I think the point you make is valid and one I had not considered. Especially once I read some of the other comments made here. This resistance that you speak of has been made all too clear to me. I honestly had no idea that some would provide a level of push-back that I felt bordered on believing exactly what you described, that a woman raping a man is less of a crime than a man raping a woman. Do you think this mindset has a socioeconomical factor behind it, or is more of a generational issue? I am… Read more »
And for a real world example of this playing out check out what’s recently happened in India in regards to rape statutes. http://toysoldier.wordpress.com/2013/03/06/a-sad-day-for-male-rape-victims-in-india/ So if it’s male against female its rape but if its any other arrangement it is “unnatural sex and related activity”. (And to make it even more odd and sad, it was women’s advocates that pushed for this sexist definition.) This is what you are up against. I school of thought that has decided that the “who” is taking precedent over the “what/where/when/why/how” of the situation when determining if it is rape. Not only if it is… Read more »
Could that be because India is not where the US in terms of homophobia? Because the groups of women are in a panic given how much resistance they’ve gotten from the government? No, I’m sure it’s because women are just awful horrible people. That’s got to be it, all of them, monolithically. Listen, male rape is real, they have to start dealing it and this whole “unnatural against the order of nature” business and that’s gonna take YEARS, decades. And they also have to deal with the male on female rape issue that they have cause it’s huge too. I’m… Read more »
Could that be because India is not where the US in terms of homophobia? Because the groups of women are in a panic given how much resistance they’ve gotten from the government? I’ve been told that intent doesn’t matter plenty of times. The problem isn’t why they advocated to prevent rape laws from becoming gender neutral. The problem is that they advocated to prevent rape laws from becoming gender neutral. No, I’m sure it’s because women are just awful horrible people. That’s got to be it, all of them, monolithically. Nah it’s not that widespread. (Oh my tongue bleeds from… Read more »
Julie, as I told Danny, I want to first say thank you. Thank you for giving us a woman’s perspective and for bringing up what I think is the true, underlying, mitigating factor in all of the push-back we’ve read from others here and from lawmakers, both at home and abroad….FEAR. It seems that fear of homosexuality, fear of acknowledging the reality of an abusive culture, fear of women, I could go on and on listing out all of the fears involved, but I think you hit the nail squarely on the head by exposing the real issue underneath this… Read more »
Danny, thank you for sharing this information. Sadly just when we think we have, as a society, taken one step forward…we take 5 leaps back-asswords! You are right, this IS what we are up against. Often feels like its spitting into the wind. But that’s all the more reason to keep doing what we do. Thank you for your insight and comments.
You forgot one. When done to a boy by a grown woman, it is called “He is so lucky”
Aspire…interesting that 1) you chose to make your comment cloaked in anonymity, and 2) after reading this article, what you decided to take the time to respond with was how you found humor in this topic. I only hope you “aspire” to be a better person than your words tend to reveal you to be.
David: I interpreted “Aspire’s” comment entirely different: When a boy is raped by a grown woman he is supposed to feel lucky and be proud of what happened, even though it actually is rape. This boils down to the “fact” that a man is always ready for and willing to have sex. I found no intended humour in Aspire’s comment.
Stromdel, if your interpretation is correct, then I am only slightly less saddened that is still a prevailing thought, versus my previous perception that the comment was made in jest. Perhaps this is a good explanation, however why we need to have this very conversation. Old thoughts and mindsets in dire need of change.
and in china..denmark…sweden..italy..france..greece…austria…iceland and several other countries a 15 year old screwing a 25 year old is not rape..here its “rape” even if 100% consnetual and informed and enjoyed by both parties..even if 10 years later the person says they were not raped you will claim they were..cause the united states goverment has made a magic line that you cant cross or every case is rape…even though theres countless 15 and 16 year olds who have done this and enjoyed thee xperience and did it on thier own free will and were not cociered or forced you still wanna call… Read more »
Thank you Rachel and Yoda for your comments. As I said to the author of the article that inspired me to write this, I believe that the way to increase dialogue is through our speech and writing, and from dialogue comes action, and action results in change. This is how we become better as people and as a society. Only when we engage in open honest discussion can progress be made. I appreciate your candor.
I agree that all potential victims should be protected and preventions should be put in place. In my opinion, respect is the biggest form of communication. It works with any age, gender, or setting. By learning from other situations and circustances we can formulate a way to prevent. For example, the person who raped my daughter was my oldest son. Was it difficult to learn this? It was the darkest day of my life. I felt I was grieving a death, literally. The pain was unbearable in learning she had been raped, going through her surgery to repair her damaged… Read more »
I understand and agree with your point that some people may want to use a different term to make the crime seem less horrible than it is. Having said that, I do think there are different levels and degrees to a crime. For example, to say something like “theft is theft” is true, but we should be able to distinguish between a person who stole food to feed a family and a person who stole millions of dollars by defrauding shareholders. In the same way, rape is rape, but I do think we should be able to distinguish between one… Read more »