Mike Cruse points out that if we remain tolerant of idiot dad jokes, we’re marginalizing the role that fathers play in the life of their children.
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Since becoming a father, I, like many people, have spoken up about dads playing more of an involved role in the upbringing of their children, as well as how the increased involvement is not only being downplayed but even ridiculed by still so many. And being the kind of person who loves to whip out my soapbox from time to time, I never have a problem when it comes to defending fellow dads.
Check out the picture below:
If we continue to push these kinds of messages — the message that dad is less than mom — and just write them off as jokes, then we as a society are doing a major disservice to our young sons.
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It was taken just this past September at a farm in Massachusetts where they offer apple picking, but only if children, and dads, are under strict supervision.
The man who took this picture, Aaron Gouveia from the Daddy Files, wrote a stellar and pointed response detailing why stunts like this (stunts that companies will claim were all done in the name of jokes and a good old-fashion ribbing) are ultimately dangerous to our sons and daughters, who grow up with the idea of dad being less valuable than mom.
Look, I get that a there are a lot of people who will still say that people need to lighten up or not take things so seriously, and I’m all for a good joke, but if we continue to push these kinds of messages — the message that dad is less than mom — and just write them off as jokes, then we as a society are doing a major disservice to our young sons.
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One day those little boys will grow up to be men, even fathers, who think that it’s okay to put less time into raising their children because society said so. Thus, the cycle of diminished male involvement will continue to grow, and for what? A cheap laugh?
Today I read If Men Told Birth Stories on ScaryMommy,com. I hate to even link it, but I think it’s important that people see that much of the struggle many men/fathers are facing begins right at home, and is being perpetuated by the very people who are supposed to be their biggest supporters: their partners.
In the post, the author tries (horribly, I might add) to relate a birth story from the point of view of a husband. Not her husband I might add, just some random dude.
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While still speaking as herself the author wastes no time in offending her readership by equating women sharing their birth stories to veterans comparing battle scars saying, “We’ve all been in the trenches and wanna know what happened when a fellow solider was there, too.”
No, no you are not. You are not a soldier. You are not a veteran.
She even went on to pretend the man in her story told his friends the birth process was, “like going to war. It was awesome.” This is offensive on so many levels.
Let me, an actual veteran, say this; giving birth is in no way comparable to going to war. Much like an announcer at a sporting event saying players are “warriors” or are “on the field of battle,” comparing child birth to war is ill advised and, frankly, ignorant.
All men talk about their wife’s downtown situation to their friends? We call them by a demeaning pet name? We all envision our sons as a future linebackers?
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There are some things in this world that you do not use as a comparison to anything else; and being a “battled-scarred veteran” is tops on that list. You know what else is on that list ? Giving birth!
The entire post was just one men-are-morons yuk yuk joke after another. Listing every single one would literally take up my entire post, but here are a few just so you get my point:
Husband says he was too busy to pay attention to his wife going through active labor at home because he was watching an abs workout infomercial.
Husband stubs his toe on the way out to the hospital and contemplates asking the doctor to check out his foot after caring for his wife because “all doctors are the same, right?”
Husband falls back asleep after wife tells him baby is close to arriving.
Husband talks about the size of his wife’s lady parts, calling them “huge” and then refers to his wife as his warrior princess and his son as his future linebacker.
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As I write this post and relay the asinine stereotypes of the author at ScaryMommy.com, I realize her post was not only closed-minded and marginalizing, but it was overtly sexist towards men.
All men talk about their wife’s downtown situation to their friends? We call them by a demeaning pet name? We all envision our sons as a future linebackers? Hey, you’re not a real man unless you like football.
The next time this author wants to write a piece discussing how the opposite sex would react or retell something as personal as a birth story, I think it would be best she maybe, I don’t know–talk to a few men as to hear how they remember their child being born.
Had she done that, I’m confident she would have found more descriptive terms like “breathtaking,” “greatest moment of my life,” “pure joy,” or “no words could explain how awesome it was,” and less war, blood, vampire references, and all things Bro.
Did you see the note at the top of the post? ScaryMommy thinks those offended by their article need to grow up.
We’ve seen some pretty big strides taken to help break down the stereotypes of the idiot dad, but seeing a sexist post like that get 46K shares shows that we have a long way to go. For every hip and cool commercial, like #HowtoDad from Cheerios and the call to celebrate dads with Real Dad Moments by Dove Body Care, we still encounter examples of dads being marginalized on a daily basis.
The role of fathers deserves more respect than to be treated as a punchline in a sexist joke.
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Hey, Dads. GMP knows the birth of your children is no joke. We’d love to hear your story for an upcoming feature. Email [email protected] a quick paragraph of your experience.
What is a 21st century hero? Being an engaged and present dad. And we love to show how great dads are. Want more like this? Sign up for our daily or weekly newsletter here.
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An edited version of this post first appeared on Huffington Post
Featured photo: Courtesy of author
Apple Orchard sign: Aaron Gouveia/DaddyFiles
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I think it’s healthy for women to be more aware of the jokes they may be making at men’s/dads’ expenses. These things do start at home, I agree. (As a quick side bar, I do ask that men think about the comments the author made in relation to this and think about their own habits at home and the stereotypes they too perpetuate about women through things they enjoy like porn or sexist video-games.) I am not totally sure I see how comparing birthing to war is ignorant in the satirical way used by the Mommy blogger. The author never… Read more »
Erin, those are fair points/questions. But saying giving birth is “like” going to war, or mothers sharing birth stories are “like” veterans comparing war stories, is literally the definition of drawing a comparison, i.e. comparing yourself to a soldier who has been to war. If would be as offensive if the guy in the author’s story said the pain from stubbing his toe was “like” giving birth. Being a veteran of war never should be used as a comparison to anything else, especially in horrible attempt at satire….as shouldn’t giving birth. Birth stories are some of the most beautiful stories… Read more »
Awesome Post!!!
Edmond, thank you so much!
To all men and all women…..any negative comments made about someone else is an absolute reflection of how the person making the negative comments truly feels about themselves. Men who feel negative about themselves attract women who feel negative about themselves. Women who feel negative about themselves will attract men who feel negative about themselves. Every relationship coach, every helping professional and every therapist knows this truth and they also know the following. Improve how you think about yourself and your entire life will improve, including our relationships. This universal truth speaks to the unlimited power we have as Men… Read more »
Thank you for reading!
Eleven years ago, I was present and engaged for the emergency C-section that delivered my first two children prematurely (at just shy of 26 weeks, both of whom subsequently died in less than a month), and I was present and engaged for the planned C-section the following year that delivered my beautiful daughter who is now a tween. I have my insecurities about being a parent, but I defy anyone to show me how I am a doofus, clueless or need “adult supervision” just because I am male and a father. To see it unthinkingly displayed in a public venue… Read more »
Remarks like “get over it” are just rhetorical shields used to deflect accountability from one’s self, namely accountability for our actions and words (the latter ultimately are a type of the former). In this case, it’s trying to escape personal responsibility for stripping dignity and esteem from others – namely through ridicule, belittlement, degradation, and similar such things. Anybody claiming that our instinct to put down others (which has no practical value) for entertainment’s sake (and how would the arts be worse off without insult comedy?) or to release frustration implies that humans have the right to degrade others for… Read more »
Kevin, thank you so much for the support!
My husband was my hero during the birth of our twins. It was an emergency C section that the hospital kind of pushed on me during a routine stress test. The doctors and nurses weren’t even talking to me once I was on the table. I was just a terrified, nauseous, helpless piece of meat who happened to have two babies inside of her. When my husband got into that OR everything changed. He was scared too, of course, but he kept his cool, and made sure that I knew everything that was going on, as well as making sure… Read more »
Awesome story! Thank you so much for sharing. And thank you for reading
Brilliant Article. Being classed as an older dad to a 2 year old which apparently at 40 that’s what I am… I too have been on the end of this kind of gentle ribbing. I look after my son every second Thursday for the whole day and it is the most precious time. There have been times that strangers have commented or said to the little guy “oh, boys day is it. sweeties and tv for you then”. It angers me that because I’m a father I have to be this sub par parent. We are so heavily influenced by… Read more »
Thank you so much!
Thank you so much!!
I agree with you completely about every thing you said. Thankfully I have an amazing hubby that does not fit her descriptions. However, the sad thing is, I know actual Dad’s who have actually done each of those things. Or something very similar. I think the dad I’m thinking of wasn’t watching an infomercial but a football game. So frankly we have a long way to go. I am fairly certain in the circles I am involved in the neanderthal outnumber the real Dad’s.
Thank you so much for reading. Sadly, I know you’re right. There are less than spectacular dads, AND moms, out there….my only rebuttal to that is that we focus on the ones doing it right; which in my opinion is the majority. Thanks again!
If husbands told birth stories, they’d read a lot like these by Jim from Sweet Juniper.
http://www.sweet-juniper.com/2008/02/birth-of-gram-part-1.html
http://www.sweet-juniper.com/2008/03/grams-birth-part-2.html
http://www.sweet-juniper.com/2008/03/birth-of-gram-part-3.html
In case anyone was wondering. Or presuming that dads don’t care.
Thank you!
Finally. An article that does not bash men.
Thank you for the support, and for reading!
The old axiom that there is a grain of truth in every joke is absolutely true. And you have addressed one of the oldest, most unfair and most corrosive jokes – that dads are silly – with adeptness. I think if men really contemplated the aggression and hostility behind such jokes we would be far less willing or predisposed to tolerate them. Well done.
Very true. Mean spirited jokes at either parent’s expense will never get us anywhere. Thank you
Mike, Well said, my friend. I knew someone in college who was very much a feminist. I was too at the time but in a very different way than she was. I was complaining about how tv shows made men look like idiots. Her response, “Well, they did that to women for years. It’s time for them to see what it feels like.” And I thought to myself, “THIS? THIS is how we will make changes to the stereotypical beliefs about women? We will elevate women by standing on men? Needless to say I was not impressed with the her… Read more »
Vicky’s acquaintance: “Well, they did that to women for years. It’s time for them to see what it feels like.” In other words, not justice, merely spite and revenge. It’s the same spirit that perpetuates conflict in so many areas of the world, sometimes ongoing for centuries (look at the Middle East and the Balkans for great examples). If the spite-and-venom types had lead the anti-Apartheid movement a generation ago, South Africa probably would have plunged into an all-out race war. That right there makes me appreciate Nelson Mandela even more, who undoubtedly suffered much more than your acquaintance ever… Read more »
Thank you Vicky for the support. I could not agree with you more