David Pisarra offers a play-by-play analysis of the need to expand our thinking and inclusiveness on domestic violence and abuse.
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This past Sunday was touted as the largest viewing audience ever for the Super Bowl, companies paid millions of dollars to be in front of the estimated 112 million viewers, many of whom watched only for the commercials. The game itself is an homage to all that is masculine: sweat, blood, anger, aggression, strength, and power are the dynamics that drive people to watch.
As a family law attorney who deals with the domestic violence restraining orders, annually I hear the mythical story that it also the day of greatest domestic abuse incidents. That has never actually been proven, but it does make for a great urban myth. Playing off the myth, and the NFL’s current bout of bad press over the Ray Rice domestic abuse case, a public service announcement was put out where a woman who can’t speak openly about her danger calls 911 and orders a pizza, and finally the 911 operator figures out that she needs help.
The problem of domestic violence is intransigent, complex and multi-layered. On the one hand women are severely damaged by the prevalence of violent and abusive men. On the other, men are oftentimes overlooked as targets of abuse, primarily by themselves.
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The problem of domestic violence is intransigent, complex and multi-layered. On the one hand women are severely damaged by the prevalence of violent and abusive men. On the other, men are oftentimes overlooked as targets of abuse, primarily by themselves.
The first step in any program of recovery is recognizing that there is a problem. For men, recognizing what qualifies as abuse is a huge issue. Initially men are acculturated to be rough and tumble. It’s the way young boys play, it’s how fathers engage with children, it’s how teen boys establish themselves in a pecking order. We’re told from our friends and family that boys don’t cry—what that means is you ‘take it’ whatever the “it” is and move on.
As a society we glorify physical encounters between men, so anything that is “less than that” can’t be bad. But we forget that there are rules of the game, like the Superbowl which is glorified as a “man’s sport”—the players are voluntarily playing. That forgetting makes it hard for anyone, especially a man, to then see that a 120-pound wife slapping her husband as abusive. But it is.
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When little Billy is picked on, his teachers and parents tell him to stand up for himself and fight back, until he gets suspended for fighting.
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Men are repeatedly told that we must be tough, it starts with Saturday morning cartoons, and continues on Monday at the schoolyard when little Billy is picked on, his teachers and parents tell him to stand up for himself and fight back, until he gets suspended for fighting.
If he has a sister and they get into a scuffle what happens? He’s told “you don’t hit your sister” but no one tells her to not hit him.
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In the home, a mother engages in corporal punishment, spanking, slapping, physical domination of picking up a boy, and he feels anger and wants to fight back but can’t. If he has a sister and they get into a scuffle what happens? He’s told “you don’t hit your sister” but no one tells her to not hit him. Everyone in his life tells him that he “can’t hit a woman” so he is now being trained that it’s acceptable to “take” abuse from a woman. This sets the stage for one of two reactions: 1) he internalizes the frustration of being hit and learns he can’t stand up for himself to a woman, or 2) he buries the pain until one day he can’t take it any more and lashes out. His pain can never be an excuse for hurting others, but addressing and alleviating his pain can be a means of prevention.
When women hit, slap, throw things at a man, it rarely receives any public condemnation and often garners encouragement, based on the assumption that “he deserved it.”
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The general lack of understanding about what qualifies as abuse is a major issue, because when women hit, slap, throw things at a man, it rarely receives any public condemnation and often garners encouragement, based on the assumption that “he deserved it.” Look at the Hope Solo case. She is a US Soccer player who attacked her nephew—case dismissed. However when she mouths off to a police officer arresting her drunken husband, only then did the US Soccer Association suspend her. In reviewing the Daniel Crespo case, if we assume there was a history of domestic violence from the husband to his wife, did that justify her putting three shots in his chest and the District Attorney doing nothing? Surely they should charge her with something, but there’s been no statement or arrest.
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So what’s the answer? We have to reach to both men and women to teach them that men cannot be treated as targets of their abuse—the women have to correct the abusive women—it wont come from a man telling them. We have to reach to the men to teach them that they cannot stand for being targets, that they need to stand together when one of them is targeted by an abusive spouse and not to castigate them out of our own fear of weakness and homophobia.
Domestic Violence is everyone’s problem, and we are all the solution, but it starts with recognizing that there is a problem.
Photo—Matthew Straubmuller/Flickr
. That forgetting makes it hard for anyone, especially a man, to then see that a 120-pound wife slapping her husband as abusive. But it is. Its not forgotten its actively ignored. Look at the Ray Rice incident. Right here on the pages of GMP commenters said the fact that Janay was seen by witnesses yelling at him and hitting him was not a big deal. It wasn’t a big deal because we know he’s abusive. Not a big deal because she’s a woman. Not a big deal beacuse of whatever they could come up with to say that her… Read more »
Yep!
My brother and I were both told not to hit each other. I think normal parents tell their kids not to hit anyone, whether the kids is a boy or a girl. Parents who choose to use physical abuse and call it “parenting” are usually abusive to all their children because that is their parenting style.
This is a puzzle: He’s told “you don’t hit your sister” but no one tells her to not hit him. As a child I saw girls hitting boys. The memory I have is that they invariably hit them on the upper back (a resilient body part, it must have a reason that pro wrestlers mostly land on their upper back), and they would bend their hands back as to only make contact with part of their wrist. Never with knuckles or fists. It always looked to me like they wanted to hurt, but something inside them would not let them,… Read more »
Looks like you’re making excuses for them. Men and boys aren’t just taught not to hit females we’re taught to not do so ever, under any circumstance. And with good reason, if we get caught doing that it doesn’t much matter whether it’s self defense or not, we’re the ones that are going to be getting in trouble. And girls definitely do hit boys, sometimes do worse things, we just don’t pay attention to when it happens because they’re girls and if the boy is foolish enough to defend himself that’s where all the focus goes rather than on the… Read more »
@ Theorema Egregium
It’s not not violence because one chooses not to be as violent as one can. That would be like saying that what Ray Rice did was not violent because he didn’t also kick Janay while she was unconscious and on the ground and he could have.