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Want to be an unforgettable lover? Forget about technique and try these three simple secrets.
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Like a song of love that clings to me,
How the thought of you does things to me.
Never before
Has someone been more…
Unforgettable
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— Unforgettable, written by Irving Gordon and sung by Nat King Cole
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You turn to your partner and ask, “Was it good for you?” but you already know the answer.
“Good? OMG! It was beyond good. It was … unforgettable!”
I’m talking about the kind of sex you can’t stop thinking about.
The kind you replay in your mind over and over until your next encounter.
The earth-shaking, world-rocking, leg-wobbling kind.
The kind you see in movies.
The kind you may have thought wasn’t possible … or may still think isn’t.
The kind … oh stop teasing me already, please!
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All right, enough foreplay. Now that you’re excited, I have to deliver, so let’s start with the basics. You love each other. Your relationship is healthy. You’re sexually compatible. While these things don’t guarantee great sex, without them as your baseline it’s tough to hit the high notes.
Next, we have to unlearn some stuff.
The joy of sex isn’t physical. Pleasure occurs in the brain.
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First, dump the idea that great sex depends on great physical technique. The joy of sex isn’t physical. Sure, the things we do to and with each other’s bodies feel good, but pleasure occurs in the brain, which means regardless of what’s happening down at those delicate nerve endings, state of mind is everything. You can master every move in the handbooks, but unless you perform them in a way that resonates in the control center, it’s just pointless rubbing.
You don’t have to measure up to enjoy pleasure beyond measure.
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Second, bigger, harder, and longer do not always equate to better. Basic physical compatibility matters, but beyond that, more length, more girth, more pounding, more kissing, more minutes or hours of whatever you’re doing—none of these mores add up to more pleasure. Anyone, with whatever equipment you’ve been given, can use the secrets for unforgettable sex. You don’t have to measure up to enjoy pleasure beyond measure.
Third, bringing your lover to climax doesn’t mean you’ve hit a homerun. An orgasm can be as intense and powerful as the popping of a champagne cork, or as flat as opening a bottle of soda that’s lost all its fizz. It’s much more about what you’re feeling when you feel the waves than how the waves make you feel. The view from the mountaintop may be breathtaking, but the exhilaration comes from the climb.
When you radiate love, its light gives off a brilliant glow.
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Fourth, you don’t have to be beautiful to be attractive. Unforgettable sex doesn’t depend on a perfect butt, flat stomach, or well-defined six pack. When you radiate love, its light gives off a brilliant glow, and this determines how your partner sees you.
♦◊♦
So what are the secrets?
You know, I really shouldn’t give these away. Because once you start using them, you’ll spoil your partner for any other kind of lovemaking. If you’re already in a committed relationship, that’s a good thing. It will only get more committed. But if you’re the type who hooks up casually, be warned. Unhooking is about to get a lot more difficult.
♦◊♦
It requires tuning in completely to your partner’s emotional state and focusing on giving emotional pleasure along with the physical.
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1. Learn to read your partner’s moods. By far the greatest pleasure enhancer is a sense of simpatico or being on the same wavelength. Knowing when to stop and knowing when to keep going. Knowing when to change positions. Knowing when to plant a kiss or simply gaze and smile. Knowing when to grab and when to hold, when to move in and when to move back. Knowing what your partner wants before your partner knows it. This type of knowing makes sex feel simultaneously safe and dreamy, grounded and ethereal, and creates a deep intimate connection that allows movement to flow wordlessly. It requires tuning in completely to your partner’s emotional state and focusing on giving emotional pleasure along with the physical. You don’t have to ask how your partner wants it, whether what you’re doing feels good, or if it’s time for a bathroom break. You know. When both partners learn to read each other’s moods, lookout. Sex is never the same again.
Trust me on this one, nothing is hotter than a reverent touch.
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2. Celebrate your partner’s body—every single inch of it. There’s a difference between touching for your pleasure and touching for your partner’s. There’s also a difference between a touch that asserts or assumes ownership and an appreciative touch that conveys gratitude for a gift. When you celebrate, you include. When you celebrate, you indulge. When you celebrate, you go slowly. When you celebrate, you revere. Trust me on this one, nothing is hotter than a reverent touch. The more deeply respectful you are, the more deeply you will move your partner, and the more likely you are to move deeper still. When is the last time you took the time to admire her hands or feet, massage his arms or shoulders, gently stroke her hair, or run your hands from his thighs to his toes? When you celebrate, you are patient. You don’t go right for the hotspots. You make the effort to warm things up. As you focus on areas you thought weren’t sexy, they suddenly become sexy, and you may hear your partner say, “No one has ever touched me there that way before.” Touch that celebrates is magical and electric. You’ll feel the charge in the air. And before you start, be sure to remove your smoke detector’s battery, because sparks will start flying.
Using intimacy to create connection is backwards. Connection creates intimacy, because connection presumes trust.
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3. Connect hearts before parts. This is the foreplay that precedes foreplay, the coming together that precedes …. I mention it last, because it’s the most important secret, and it’s easy to skip after mastering the other two. You can tune in and touch reverently, but if you forget to align yourself fully with your partner, to pause and remind each other—with words, gestures, even a glance—of the love you share, you’ll go through the motions of sex and end up feeling empty. When you feel you’re drifting apart from your partner, it’s tempting to use sex to try to reconnect. But using intimacy to create connection is backwards. Connection creates intimacy, because connection presumes trust. When you let your partner get close to you emotionally, you take your walls down and allow yourself to relax. This state of mental calmness has a tremendous effect on the body, priming it and making you intensely receptive. Your partner feels your energy and feeds on it, feels your hands before you touch, and when your fingers finally alight, you arouse feelings you’ve already awakened. But none of this happens if you don’t align your hearts first. The easiest way to get in sync is to repeat a simple phrase together. “I am here because I love you.” When you say these words in unison, the world around you melts away, and you’re ready to experience something unforgettable.
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You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
..3 Things to Remember When Falling In Love | Compliments Men Would Love to Hear More Often | ..7 Things Men Want In a Relationship | Why You Need to Date Someone Who Scares You |
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You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
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Photo—youme/Flickr
You can connect with Thomas G. Fiffer on Facebook and Twitter and read more of his work on the Tom Aplomb blog.
If you enjoyed this article, you might also like “How to Court a Good Man.”
Because I love you, here I am.
*reverently caresses ________*
I’m in. Reading this was better than 50 shades.
I did read my partners mood, and it was never lol.
We are careful of using “I love you” too often during foreplay or sex. We have talked about this and agree; it can become ritual, which we don’t want. There are other ways to communicate our hearts besides I love you.
“You are my best friend.” That has rocked our worlds a few times. It’s wonderful feeling where you are at any particular point in time. Being in the moment.
This is a perfect guide to a viable sex life for rockies though,with the outline here i guess i can call myself a perfect lover.My wife will attest to this someday…..No jokes i already know all this and i do them practically is awesome.Is better experience than imagined you just need to be connected to your partner mentally sphycologically then you experience romantic explosion.
Women do sometimes flunk men on tests the men didn’t know they were taking. But in most cases, women are communicating in a hundred different ways–from explicitly stating “Please do this,” to facial expressions, increased or decreased affection, and greater or lower interest in sex. We can communicate until we’re blue in the face, but if our male partners aren’t listening, it’s all for nothing. Men would “just know” a lot more about what their female partners wanted if they paid attention, which is what I think this author was saying. Women don’t really expect men to read our minds,… Read more »
I appreciate your goals. And there’s some truth to them. But for the last time: will people stop advising people to “just know what your partner wants?”! For goodness sake, this is the worst possible advice you could give. Relationships have died that didn’t have to die because one or both people in the relationship thought they were awful people because they couldn’t guess what their partner wanted at any particular time. And people, mostly women, think their partners must be awful because they can’t guess what’s best to do. You know what really works? Communication. Sure, maybe after being… Read more »
Amen!
I;m a 60year old woman who never knew what a euphoric experience felt like coming from a man. I knew how I wanted to feel but no one has ever taken me there. Until I met Eric..33 years old. very young and very eager to please..What can I say. He had me at “What can I do for you/”. I showed him by instigating. I let him know that every feeling he will experience he will have to reciprocated. And he did 😉 3 years since than and every time we meet it’s better than the last. Man have as… Read more »
The notion that “connecting hearts” is necessary for amazing, mind-blowing sex plays into the cultural narrative that sex outside a relationship will always be dull and lackluster…but it’s not actually true. You can love someone with all your heart and have boring-as-dishwater sex, and you can have amazing, earth-shattering sex with a partner you aren’t in love with. Cultural narrative be damned. I’ve found that domething far more important than live is courage. It takes courage to communicate openly. It takes courage to share your fantasies. It takes courage to try new things, to listen to your partner and explore… Read more »
yep he is all that =)
Part two is so important and very well worded. Attentive touch is an amazing art. I call it that because that is what it feels like. And so correct in worshiping every inch and paying attention to what you are touching and slowing waaaaayyyyyyyy down, it just becomes so intense, I have taken an hour to get from head to toe, and that is just one side. It changes everything. What you are describing is what has been practiced in the tantric field for a long long time. It is known there as conscious touch. Another thing I would add… Read more »
There goes my literal mind again. You mean “unforgettable” strictly in a GOOD way, right? Anybody can be “unforgettable” in bed. There are a million ways to make sure someone never forgets sex with you. Particularly if you are prone to flatulence or myocardial infarction.
The same I was thinking ahahaha!
My first thought, “bring a unicycle to the party. Nobody will forget that!”. ????
So totally true. To be truly appreciated, respected, loved – totally different kind of love making.
As a woman, this all sounds delightful to me. My boyfriend is good at working it once it’s in, but I wish he’d do these other things. I love being touched and cherished. 🙂
My initial response is the same as Susan Sarandon’s character in Bull Durham when Kevin Costner’s character tells her what he believes in…..”Oh my.” (:
Edie, It’s funny that you mention Bull Durham, as I recently recorded it and have been meaning to watch it again. I hope more readers have that reaction and also learn a new perspective.