JJ Vincent knows how to (verbally) hit a man where it hurts. It’s easy. But don’t do it. Please.
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You’ve all heard them. We’ve all heard them. Doesn’t matter how old or young you are, or where you’re from. The words are the same.
“You’re such a p—y.” “Quit being such a p—y.” “Jesus, you’re such a girl.” “Sissy.” “Are you gonna cry like a little b—h?” “If you watch any more of those movies, you’re gonna grow a v—-a.” “Grow a pair.” “Suck my d—k.” “Blow me.” “Stupid f-g.” “What are you, some kind of f—-t?”
This is not a comprehensive list. Far from it. There are a lot more insults, and a lot of them are a lot uglier. But these seem to have a certain sting. I’ve seen a lot of guys, myself included, flinch at these, or try to laugh them off…but the laughter is awkward. The tone that delivers them has a little extra sneer behind it. A little more superiority. A little more edge. A little more dismissal.
Look at them. They have something in common. They’re unique. They are simultaneously implying that whatever a guy is doing or being is equated being female, or a part of a female (things most men profess to love), or homosexual, which in and of itself has implications of femininity.
And there are two very troubling things here.
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The first is pretty obvious, or should be. Insulting people, using language to degrade them, whether the intention is to set them apart from the group, to motivate them to work harder/better/faster (as coaches and captains used to do with impunity), or give the speaker higher social status, is never right. Plenty of you will argue that there’s a difference between playful banter and cruel intentions, that people just say this stuff without thinking about it. But you can really never know what effect you are having on the people hearing those words.
The second part of this is much more troubling. Why are these words even insulting and degrading in the first place? Why are they so negative, so bad, so awful, that some men will do almost anything to avoid them? Why will men push themselves beyond their limits, participate in risky behaviors, fake-or change-their core beliefs and behaviors, to not hear those words hurled at them?
Because these words are emasculating. They “reduce” a man to a woman. They reduce a man to a woman’s body part that is still somewhat taboo, that is still avoided because of the fear of “dirty”, of taste and smell. They reduce a man to a girl-child, considered to be an exceptionally helpless being. They reduce him to “not a man at all”. They imply that certain behaviors, particularly those considered to be feminine, will “feminize” the man in the eyes of his peers. If masculinity is the currency of status, then femininity empties the wallet. And in using these words as insults, the speaker is subtly insulting women as well, suggesting that a man being like “them” is undesirable.
These words are doubly insulting, because they imply that it’s not ok to be “like a woman”, that there is shame in womanhood.
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And the stereotype of the gay man is effeminate, weak, mirroring traditionally female traits in interests and behaviors (including sexual). Using language to “reduce” a man to homosexual is an equally, if not more, effective tool of insult and emasculation. Consider “Suck my d–k” and “Blow me.” Both of these symbolically order the recipient into a submissive sexual position doing an act usually asked of women, putting the speaker into a place of power. Combine these with the posturing that often goes with them and you have a verbal hit that is so ingrained into our language that while the person using it may not even be conscious of what they are implying, that they themselves are asking for a sexual act from another man, listeners know who is controlling, and usually ending, the conversation. “F-g” and “f—-t” need no dissection. The meaning of those is loud and clear. “You are gay. Gays are undesirable. This is not acceptable. They are not acceptable. If I call you this, I align you with those people.” Again, another group in also being insulted, as the speaker is implying that it’s not ok to be “like a gay”. And its intention is to bring the target’s sexuality, and therefore acceptability, into question to the larger group.
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Like most insults, these words, when used, usually have no basis in truth. They are tools to gain power over another person or group of people. But what if there is a kernel, or more, of truth in them for the target? What is there is a gay man desperately trying to hide in the closet, who fears that his secret will be revealed if people start thinking about him with a little too much “Hmmmmmm…” What if he has a gay child or relative, and worries how he will be received outside of the comfortable bubble of familiarity? What if there is a person questioning their gender, now surrounded by people who throw around female words like clods of dirt, denigrating the very people they profess to love?
This is not a comprehensive list. Far from it. There are a lot more insults, and a lot of them are a lot uglier. But these seem to have a certain sting.
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There should be no shame in crying. There should be no shame in being the last one across the line, the one who is a little slower, the one who wants to talk about their feelings or watch a makes-you-cry movie. No one should be shamed for not being the biggest, fastest, smartest, strongest. No one should be insulted for not toeing an arbitrary gender line, drawn by nothing more than what has been considered correct.
And no one should be allowed to hide behind the excuse of, “Well, that’s just the way we talk.”
No, it’s not. It’s how you choose to talk. It’s how you choose to treat others. And it’s not how you would want them to treat you.
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This is a mean place but great to joke around with
“There should be no shame in crying.” – Yes there should, if you are crying about petty, meaningless chick bullshit, you need to be publicly mocked and accused of being on the down-low.
I seriously hope that you are joking, and even then – if you are, you really need to work on your jokes. If you’re not, then you really need to read this article again, and a lot slower this time.
Thank you for writing this. Due to biological factors beyond my control, I am not the world’s most masculine man. Thankfully, as I move on in life, there seem to be fewer occasions where I am teased or made fun of. However, recently, at a family gathering, an in-law who was either upset or drinking or both attacked me in my most vulnerable area out of nowhere. I was up all night in soul pain and spent much of the next day in tears (I work at home). It is so hard to be belittled over something over which you… Read more »
See what I mean? Is there a word count that triggers something? Because no way could my possible double post await moderation, yet my secondary post pass just fine. This is bizarre to me.
So sorry for the double post. CV some post right away. Some say you’re a spammer. Some await moderation and some don’t show up at all. Wish I understood the rules of this game.
These insults for the most part are not about denigrating women but merely making sure the one is one up on the other in strength and aggression. They do use these terms!s because it’s the easiest corollary to the world many of us grew up in. Man first, woman second and gay female, then gay male. Anyway, what really corks me is that the feminists always support their idea of a strong sisterhood, rightfully so, and yet put up with millions of their sisters saying exactly the same thing to men who are sensitive, or exhibit the less than manliest… Read more »
Do men even consider what message this type of language sends to their wives, girlfriends, daughters? The message is, “You are a female and are therefore second rate to the almighty man. A man is not good enough if he appears like a woman because women are lesser beings. You, my daughter/gf/wife are beneath me.” Men say these things to their children everyday: “Son, man up. Quit acting like a little girl.” “You hit like a girl.” “He screamed like a girl.” SO WHAT! What’s wrong with being like a girl?!
EXACTLY! It’s a way of saying women are less then men so don’t be like a woman because that is the worst thing you can be. We’ll insult you by calling you an inferior name linking the name callng to females as females are inferior. This insults both men and women. Funny how the author never touched upon that.
Awesome article. As a feminist I agree with every word of this. Femininity should never be frowned upon. “Girl” is not an insult. But even more importantly, crying and having feelings shouldn’t be considered a feminine thing to begin with, they should be considered a human thing. Maybe if we lived in a society which allowed men to be more open and expressive we’d have a lot less pent up anger and abuse.
How about creep? There was a list published just today apparently, the top 10 creepy celebrities. I’m sure all the listees are thrilled at their inclusion…
“Creep” and “creepy” are great, especially since getting these labels applied doesn’t require any evidence that anyone can see. Someone just has to imagine that one has surreptitious motives. The terms “uncomfortable” and “offended” are related, if rendered in bad faith– which I believe they often are. After the healthy humanistic psychology movement, we’re back again in a dysfunctional passive-aggressive era: “See what you made me feel!”
How about ‘deadbeat’, iow, someone who does not support his ex-wife or children, not only a huge insult but can and does get you thrown in jail.
How about Pedophile because you marry a young woman.
How about rapist or more relevant RAPEY, iow, everything today is RAPEY
That’s some nice MANSPLAINING.
I hate that word ‘rapey’. A few weeks ago I was sitting in a local beauty spot. It’s a deserted railway line where admittedly anyone would probably be stupid to walk alone at night…but this was Sunday afternoon, when it was full of families, joggers and dog walkers. A young couple walked by – they looked no older than early 20s – and I overheard the girl telling her companion that this place seemed a bit ‘rapey’. The poor boy just laughed uncomfortably. I felt sorry for him. Not my business, but it seemed to me that she ruined a… Read more »
Agreed. Its a buzzword that appears to be a play to get web hits and frankly gets tossed around so easily (even around here) that its being used to describe just about everything under the sun.
Agree, Danny and sonya. Any power that the word had or might have had has been seriously diluted.
Anyone who thinks getting your dick sucked has you in the position of power is not really thinking about that very hard.
Totally.
And why does calling someone a p—-y work as an insult if the man saying this is supposed to be heterosexual? Doesn’t he like p—-y? It sounds quite homoerotic for a man to refer to a woman’s parts as unappealing and to tell another man to give him fellatio. Seems quite odd.
Steve, I agree. It is odd. It’s not logical. It doesn’t make sense. But it’s there. Maybe this is a US thing? Not sure where you are. I’ve never once heard one man refer to another as a p—y in a positive way, and generally, ahem, one hetero guy telling another to give him fellatio is not done as a desirous request. Those particular terms usually come from a place of embarrassment or anger.
Steve, the same way supposedly heterosexual women who are supposed to be attracted to men talk disparagingly about men’s bodies and dangly bits. Everybody needs to respect the opposite sex and refrain from speaking negatively about their private parts.
That’s what I was thinking. Its a pretty vulnerable position if you think about it.
Danny, yes. But the guy who is, in some part of him brain, in some subconscious place, thinking that by standing over the guy who is doing this (and if we bring het porn into this, consider the number of scenes where a woman in on her knees being ordered to do x or y by the guy on his feet), that’s he’s dominating him, he’s not thinking “I’m vulnerable”. But he’s probably not even thinking. I’d guess that if someone questioned the guy who said, “Suck my d–k” or “Blow me” and said, “Is that really what you want… Read more »
Maybe I’m I just grew up with some odd thoughts but I just don’t take that as being in a dominating position.
Danny, hey, to each their own perspective 🙂 ,