A simple test to spot a narcissist and three ways to respond.
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While this short video oversimplifies the behavior pattern commonly referred to as narcissism or diagnosed as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), it makes a valuable point about people in general: it’s difficult and exhausting to deal with someone who will never meet you halfway. As for the pat statement at the end that narcissists never change, it would be more accurate to conclude that on our own, we can’t change them. A popular article by clinical psychologist Craig Malkin published previously on The Good Men Project titled “Can Narcissists Change?” addresses that question and offers the following assessment:
It’s not that people with NPD can’t change; it’s that it often threatens their sense of personhood to try.
Looked at another way, a narcissist needs a willing audience to act out his or her dysfunctional pattern. Dr. Malkin goes on to suggest your best bet in dealing with a narcissist:
The key, then, to interacting with someone you suspect is narcissistic is to break the vicious circle—to gently thwart their frantic efforts to control, distance, defend or blame in the relationship by sending the message that you’re more than willing to connect with them, but not on these terms; to invite them into a version of intimacy where they can be loved and admired, warts and all—if they only allow the experience to happen.
Whether or not the narcissist accepts your invitation is beyond your control and ultimately, for your own sake, cannot be your concern.
Photo—eajhere/YouTube
They don’t fool everyone, not all the time. Once bitten, twice shy, as they say. One experience with this should send everyone back to their psychology studies. This personality often seems backed up with passive aggressive behavior as well. It only took 21 days to spot this in a new relationship. I bailed. Too much drama for this mamma.
Narcissists can definitely change, anybody can change, the problem is that there’s usually not sufficient incentive to change. I personally wouldn’t count on somebody with NPD changing, but it’s ridiculous to say that they can’t.
The brain is ultimately machinery and people with NPD are just lacking some of the circuits that other people have. The circuits can be created, but it’s unusual for somebody with NPD to be willing to engage in the activities that are required to build the circuits.