Graham Phoenix tries to figure out what makes him a man.
I am male, and I am a man. The first is biological and undeniable; the second is in my character. To understand myself as a man, I need to look at my behaviour.
In my early 50s, I was the Design Principal of a practice based in London. There were eight of us—four men and four women. The firm was owned and run by men, including me, but the main design leaders were women.
After we finished our part in the re-design of theatre in the West End of London, I was invited to a gala re-opening night with the Prince of Wales. There was a performance of Mamma Mia and a champagne party afterward.
I chose not to attend with my wife; my marriage was in a bad way. Instead, I invited the lead designer, a single female, much younger than I was.
We hated the show and stayed in the bar, during the second half, drinking the free champagne. We drank far too much and networked with everyone who was there. At the end of the evening, I put her in a taxi, and I went off to get my train home.
We loved our time together being strong as a man and a woman. We enjoyed ourselves, but took it no further.
♦◊♦
That night, as a “man,” I fulfilled a number of different roles:
- Husband: No matter what our relationship had become or what I felt about my wife, I was married, and my wife depended on me. I had developed all the earning power and that gave me a responsibility toward her.
- Father: I had two sons, who, although grown up, looked to me as a role model. As a father, I always influence my sons, positively or negatively. I take this relationship seriously.
- Employer: Here, I was in a position to subtly influence the situation in my favour. I had no intention of using this dominance to achieve anything other than success for the firm.
- Colleague: This involves knowing your colleagues as people and knowing their needs. In this case, my date had left her previous employer due to sexual harassment.
- Male: As a male, I was fully aware of how attractive she was and fully aware of the potential for a very enjoyable evening. I pursued that, but not by indulging any lust I felt. We showed that we could have a great evening without either one of us dominating the other.
- Mature Person: As an older person, I have plenty of experience in relationships. I have learnt that they only work if dominance and exploitation are not a part. (Well, unless it’s by mutual agreement, which is a different situation altogether.)
- Fun Person: It has always been important that I enjoy myself and that others enjoy themselves with me. I know I can have a great time with women if I honour and respect them. This strengthens me as a man and them as women because we can fully open ourselves up with trust.
- Businessman: I had created a respected and strong business because I employed respected and strong men and women who did not see exploitation having any part of it.
It is in the level of personal success in these varied roles that I judge myself to be a man.
Being a man is not about being better than anyone else, whether it’s another man or a woman, it’s about being a fully developed example of the potential you have inside and the potential you have gathered in your life.
To me, masculinity is about my ability to be fully present with my abilities, talents and skills, my ability to focus and direct them, and my ability to do this with love and compassion for others.
Beyond this insular view, I believe that to be a man I need to look at the social context and apply the principals I hold for myself. I do this by living my life openly and by speaking up about what I believe in.
I write about men’s ability to live and fulfil their own masculinity, and I work to help men achieve it. This often puts me into conflict with others.
♦◊♦
There are those who don’t believe that masculinity and femininity exist. They believe they are just social constructs created to support dominance by those in charge: generally, privileged white males like me. These constructs maintain others, especially women, in subservience. To these people, we are all the same, other than the matter of our biological sex.
In my experience, I have found that the differences between masculine and feminine are very real, even when they don’t align with male and female.
These differences have been, and continue to be, exploited for the benefit of the dominant race/class/gender. And that just means we have to work harder to separate the differences from any concept of power or superiority.
There are feminists who work to open up society for women and rid it of male dominance. They argue that the qualities I mentioned can be equally true for women.
My being a man in no way denies the ability of a female to be a woman using the same qualities I pursue. She can use her ability to be fully present with her abilities, talents, and skills, her ability to focus and direct them, and her ability to do this with love and compassion for others to create her femininity.
By all means, criticize privilege and dominance, criticize the way men use it to their own advantage but remember we need each other. Women need the support of men to break down the barriers of privilege and men need the support of women to change their concept of masculinity.
I am male, and I am a man, and that does not deny the strength and power that women seek. I believe that we have many differences inherent in our own personal masculinity or femininity. I believe that by celebrating these we can create equality by working for it together.
—Photo independentman/Flickr
About Graham Phoenix
Vocalyze
I’m sorry but the items you listed that make you a ‘man’ just sound like the requirements necessary to be a person with integrity. I don’t what that has to do with masculinity or femininity or being a ‘man’.
Jeni says:
I’m sorry but the items you listed that make you a ‘man’ just sound like the requirements necessary to be a person with integrity. I don’t what that has to do with masculinity or femininity or being a ‘man’.
Graham says:
My being a man in no way denies the ability of a female to be a woman using the same qualities I pursue. She can use her ability to be fully present with her abilities, talents, and skills, her ability to focus and direct them, and her ability to do this with love and compassion for others to create her femininity.
I think it has to do with his idea of masculinity. There’s no attempt to say those things are exclusive to being a man, just Graham saying that those are parts of what he feels are essential to being a man.
What’s the harm in him (or anyone) having their own thoughts on masculinity/femininity as long as they aren’t trying to project it onto other people?
One must be a man to be a husband and father, just as one must be female to be a wife and mother.
Correction: one must be a woman (not just female) to be a wife and mother.
That’s the point Jeni. He’s building up what he thinks is the idea of what a man is supposed to be. As far as I can tell he’s not trying to preach to readers about how what he lists here is what everyone who identifies as a man has to do lest his manhood be questioned.
Isn’t that the ultimate goal of the gender discourse? The freedom for any and every person to be the person they want to be without having to worry about acting out a script that is laid out for them based on the configuration of their anatomy?
There’s no real harm in him thinking that ‘being good’ makes him a man if that’s what he wants to believe. I guess I just hoped for something a bit more profound and interesting. Also, if he failed to do one of the things on the list, what would he consider himself to be? A boy? A woman? A scoundrel? Or would he still be a man? I’m curious.
If anything I would think he would believe that failure to meet one of those things would simply result in not being a man (presuming he doesn’t buy into the gender binary) in his eyes. I can understand the expectation of something profound but I think a simple approach is the most effective because the idea that a person should be able to build up their own idea of masculinity/feminity as they please is pretty simple. Or maybe because we’ve been bogged down under the rigid ideas of what masculinity/femininty are the simple approach sounds much more profound than it really is.
I fully agree that every man should have the qualities that Graham mentions. But so shouldn’t every woman. We all strive to be good people, but a good argument for being specifically a man, I have yet to hear. I feel that as men or women, we each bring our own strengths to the table when it comes to being good people. If men are innately more solution oriented and women more emotion oriented (stereotypically) , wouldnt being a good man be solving a problem by laying out a plan and a good woman by solving a problem by helping people realize their underlying emotions?
This is a misunderstanding at a very basic level.
“Masculinity” does not exist as an objective quality. It is constructed through the beliefs and interactions of individuals. Because this is true, what we view as “masculine” can be changed (for example, pink used to be seen as a masculine color) – which is what Graham says in his closing, so he obviously believes it, too.
If one buys into “masculinity” then one also has to buy into “femininity” being its opposite. So therefore qualities that make a person masculine make them less feminine. So when Graham identifies “behaving ethically” as an integral part of his masculinity, then he denies – in a de facto manner – that a woman behaving in the exact same manner can be exerting that same quality as an expression of her femininity. It’s really inescapable. What’s more, it’s clear from Graham’s writing that he doesn’t believe that ethical behavior would make a woman less feminine. So he’s not buying his own trope.
All of those things identified here as being integral to “masculinity” are actually simply tied to be “adult,” as far as I can tell. When Graham says, “I am a man,” what it means is “This is how I act like a grown-up.” That’s what I get from his writing here, at any rate.