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Adiba Nelson knows you might hate her for saying this, but if her man is unfaithful, she’d rather not know. And if yours is, she won’t tell you.
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If you see something, know something, or hear something, you are contractually obligated (by virtue of your ovaries or your testicles) to tell your friend whatever it is.
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So, it’s no secret that there is such a thing as “girl code” and “bro code.” We’ve all heard the adages (though I personally hate the verbiage) “bros before hoes” and “chicks before dicks.” What those basically mean is that above all things—above all things—your loyalty ultimately lies with your girl friends or your guy friends. If you see something, know something, or hear something, you are contractually obligated (by virtue of your ovaries or your testicles) to tell your friend whatever it is. Even if it’s something really unpleasant. Even if it’s something life-shattering. That’s heavy! That’s a ton of obligation to be saddled with. But do girl code and bro code extend to people who aren’t your friend? If you are out and about, minding your own business, and you see blatant infidelity taking place, do you honor “the code?” A guy named Lye did. At a baseball game. He “noticed” a woman who appeared to be pregnant sending romantic texts and hiding her phone from her partner. Instead of minding his own business, he outed her to her boyfriend by handing him a note before they left the game.
Lye felt the need to play bro code super hero and out a woman he didn’t know, to her boyfriend, whom he also didn’t know, and then give himself a virtual high five on Facebook. I don’t agree with his actions one bit. “Watch the game and mind your own business” is how I feel about it. It made me think, however, about these codes we live by. I put myself in the place of the woman. If it were I, and I was the unsuspecting partner, would I want to know that my significant other was cheating on me?
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If my man was cheating on me, and one of my girlfriends saw it, I would not want her to tell me.
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Grab your pens and get ready to cross my name off your Christmas gift list, or condemn me, or hate me, or all of the above—because my answer is a resounding no. That’s my plain and simple and blatantly honest truth. If my man was cheating on me, and one of my girlfriends saw it, I would not want her to tell me. And if I’m really going to be honest with you, I wouldn’t want my guy to have an attack of conscience and bare his infidelities to me either. And … If I’m really really, really going to be honest with you, I don’t know that I would tell my girlfriend if I spotted her guy or girl being unfaithful to her. I know. I’ve broken the code and committed the ultimate sin in the world of ovary-bonding relationships. I’ll give you a few seconds to curse my name a few times, but then I ask that you hear me out.
He is the sun and the moon, the stars and galaxies, the lub to the dub of my heart—he is my world. And I never ever want to look at him as anything other than this.
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It’s true—I wouldn’t want to know, and I probably wouldn’t share anything I saw either. And here’s why: gut-wrenching, heartbreaking, possibly life-ending devastation. As it stands, my guy is the most amazing human being in the male form I have ever met. His heart is bigger than the state of Texas. His mind is an inquisitive and annoyingly curious landscape that also allows room for things I won’t even entertain. His complete unwillingness to judge people who are different from himself compels me to judge him! Who is this guy??? I’ll tell you who he is. He is the man who loves me in ways I didn’t even know was possible to love another human being you didn’t give birth to. He is the man who has accepted my daughter, special needs and all and claims her as his own. He relishes every Sunday afternoon curled up on the couch, cradling a five-year-old with afro-puffs, calling football plays and heckling the refs. He is the sun and the moon, the stars and galaxies, the lub to the dub of my heart—he is my world. And I never ever want to look at him as anything other than this. I never want to know (again) the pain of infidelity, the self-doubt and self-loathing that it brings, or the crushing weight of the depression that just won’t leave. I never want to curse his name or feel my skin crawl at the mere mention of his name. I don’t want to ever entertain the idea that for one moment in time he didn’t love me enough to walk away from another woman. I don’t want to ever look at my daughter, and see the sadness in her face as we leave her “daddy” in the distance, and begrudgingly limp forward. Because that’s what would happen. All of that. And you can call me selfish if you want to, or even lacking in self-respect, but I simply don’t want it. I don’t ever want to view him as anything less than how I view him today, and because I wouldn’t want to experience this, I would break code and never tell a girlfriend (or guy friend for that matter). There is “The Unbearable Lightness of Being,” and then there is the unbearable heaviness of being not enough.
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And though you won’t say it, I bet there is a teeny tiny itsy bitsy teenie weenie part of you that understands, and maybe even feels the same way.
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And though you won’t say it, I bet there is a teeny tiny itsy bitsy teenie weenie part of you that understands, and maybe even feels the same way. It’s OK. You don’t have to break girl code. I did it for you. And I’ll always do it for you. I’ll always say the things that as women we’re not supposed to say. I’ll feel the things we’re not supposed to feel. I’ll keep your secrets. I’ll tell you mine. I’ll invite you to hate me. And I’ll leave the window open for you to love me—because I am you, you are me, and we know that the real girl code is that we are honest with ourselves, we don’t judge other women for being honest with themselves, we love unconditionally, and we love hard.
So there you have it. I would break girl code. And if you love me, I hope you would do it for me too.
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Want to see the conversation among The Good Men Project writers that led to Adiba Nelson’s article? Click here.
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But doesn’t this suggest that you’d prefer not to have known about your ex’s infidelity? Aren’t you glad, today, that you knew the truth? Would you rather still be stuck in that old relationship, wondering and worrying?
I have pondered this question myself and, hard as it is, I’d still prefer to know the truth. Because otherwise your side of the relationship is simply a fantasy, you’d be building a future on sand. I’d rather know.
First, you’d like to be in major DENIAL, then you’d happily be party to someone else, a friend even, in denial, and then you applaud yourself for it, as if it were the most noble thing to do? You are very much entitled to your opinion, but wow that’s really messed up. I wouldn’t wanna know, I’d GOTTA know!
While I’m inclined to let people choose how to live life as they decide I feel like this article presents two separate topics or conflicts if you will. The first, is the idea of policing other members of the same sex for relationship misconduct. The second, is the author’s fear in knowing details of her lovers current sexual behaviors. I believe the second topic to be more interesting and revealing of the author than the first. The final paragraphs of the article paint a vivid picture of a healthy relationship and home. I couldn’t help but feel, after reading, a… Read more »
Ignorance is bliss? Its wonderful that you assume the person who can go behind your back and have sex will use protection. Or love you more than the other perso . My ex-husband cheated for years and no one told me. One day, I started having weird symptoms. I went to the doctor and was informed I had pelvic inflammatory disease that had developed from undiagnosed chlamydia. I’ve since lost four pregnancies because of PID. My living children are 7 years and multiple surgeries apart. Oh, and he got her pregnant. He has babies born two months apart. I went… Read more »
I would rather know an ugly truth and deal with it or move on, rather than believe a beautiful lie and be oblivious. I would be so thankful if someone, man or woman, let me know if I was being cheated on.
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“Faithful are the WOUNDS of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” Proverbs 27:6
This is a dumb take on this. She wants to look at him as nothing other than her idea of him, meaning she’s not willing to accept any kind of truth and prefers living in denial. Stupid.
Nope, I get what she’s saying. I told my wife pretty much the same thing. I told her to do what she felt was what she needed to do in any moment, and not to feel guilty about it. I told her to be safe for both of us, and not to tell me about it. I didn’t tell her that so I could have the same “rights”. I did that because exclusive rights to her body is a crazy, juvenile, and unrealistic goal over a lifetime. I did it because sex is not why I’m with her, it’s only… Read more »
I don’t not have sex with every guy I meet because I think my husband “owns” me. I don’t have sex outside my marriage because when I decided to be married I chose to only be with my husband. Marriage is a choice. And if at any point you think it will be just too much to be with one person then why get married in the first place? What if your wife falls in love with another guy or with multiple other guys are you okay with her just leaving you? Yeah its hard but marriage and love is… Read more »
My wife and I sorta have a dont ask don’t tell policy. We agree that cheating is bad but also understand that temptations can and do happen. As much as people won’t admit it, anyone can find themselves caught up in this type of situation. As for my friends, the agreement we have is that if thet find out about cheating AS ITS HAPPENING and have irrefutable proof then yes tell me. However if my wife cheats at some point in time and then stops cheating and my friend somehow stumbled upon that information then I don’t want them telling… Read more »
Dear Ms. Nelson, In your article, ‘If My Boyfriend Cheats, Please Don’t Tell Me” you stated that if your friend knew your boyfriend was cheating that you wouldn’t want them to tell you. It was stated that if your friend saw something she shouldn’t have that she should mind her own business. However, your views on this ethical issue can be disputed because if your boyfriend cheated on you wouldn’t you want to know instead of living a life full of lies with him. If your boyfriend was indeed a cheater, you should want to know why he cheated because… Read more »
This article makes total sense, people just need to stop and think for a second. I love my wife and expect to be together forever. The only way I would want to know is if everyone knew but me or if she planned to leave me.
We all know someone who was cheated on. years later they are still bitter and hurt. It effects children other family members, and mutual friends. I would totally avoid the pain and live a happy lie than a suicidal depressed truth.. Guess what I would not know its a lie.
If I found out a friend knew and did not tell me, she’d be gone just as fast as him. Good lord. Just because you can’t deal with the fact that your sun and moon shouldn’t be, don’t make your friends compromise their own integrity to keep your bubble in tact.
I say if she doesn’t want any to tell her then cool. But as for me, I want to know. Telling may not even make the person leave but at least they have the option.
This is her opinion therefore I won’t say it is trash. I will say that it isn’t my mode of operation.
Stay true to your own convictions. I
We short change ourselves when we accept substandard love. We are worth more. Yes it hurts. Yes, it is hard to let go. But I learned that I lacked self love, self respect and faith that I am better off and there was something better out there for me. I held myself and the person that I love back from our future by hanging on to what was obviously not working. I would want to know. I may not quickly fix it but I would have a choice. I would have knowledge and I would own my life, not be… Read more »
Honestly, this article really pisses me off. I was engaged to a woman after 3 years and not once did anyone tell me she had already cheated on me 6 times. SIX BLOODY TIMES. The worst part? All my friends, every single one, knew I was about to marry a woman who opened more zippers a day than I did. Not one of them told me. No, I had to find out myself, by catching her in the act and then slowly over the course of several months did find out my friends all knew, that it wasn’t just that… Read more »
I kind of see the author’s point, up to a point. People can insert themselves into a situation for good reasons and bad reasons. Exposing your friend’s partner’s infidelity will probably not help your friendship very much. It may seem malicious, even if you’re doing it for the right reasons. Saying you never want your boyfriend to confess to having an affair? That’s going a little too far, I think. Here’s the fairest rule: be transparent about what you want. Tell all your friends directly that if they see your boyfriend cheating, they should not tell you. Tell your boyfriend… Read more »
This article isnt about lies or the truth. It’s about each individual relationship and how it works. The author is describing her rules for a form of an “open” relationship. If one chooses that, then no one else has a right to choose setting else for her.
Hi Lynn
Hmmmmmm, how can this be an open relationship when the man is not informed about it?
Except in a true open relationship, both parties are aware and communication is key. Anyone that has ever been or is in a successful open relationship knows that there are no secrets…..hence the “open” part. This author is basically saying that she wants to bury her head in the sand and keep this fairy tale going. And I’m happy that she’s in such a blissful place right now…but if she will allow indiscretion of this nature…what else is she comfortable overlooking?? This is a recipe for disaster. I’ll bet her fairy tale wouldn’t be so happy if her amazing man… Read more »
I completely disagree with this article. And the notion that the other party will eventually find out may be true but to what end is prolonging their betrayal and humiliation getting you as a friend? More time to avoid a painful conversation because you’re a wuss? I respect my friends and I don’t want them to look like fools or potentially lose everything whilst their partner is gearing up to destroy them. I want my friend to be informed and get the jump on that garbage. How much time will they waste in a relationship where something is very wrong… Read more »
I can understand your point of view in the abstract, but you only address the hypothetical situation in which a friend discovers the cheating… What would you do if you subsequently made the same discovery yourself? Deny everything you’ve learned and create an internal reality for yourself? I can’t speak from any personal experiences, but I know that my mother deeply wished that anyone could have told her about her ex-husband’s indiscretions, both before and after the marriage. Hearing it from him two weeks after the honeymoon in the form of, “You know… I’m just really bored with this already…… Read more »
Bravo and thank you
The article is well written but this does not make it true. As Renee said: I feel sorry for anyone who believes this.