Ted Cox’s mom cried when she found out that he had a vasectomy at 28, but he has no regrets. His new column looks at the reasons more men are opting out of fatherhood.
A few weeks ago as I was browsing GMPM, an idea popped into my head: We have plenty of articles and columns and posts covering being a good dad, but what about us dudes who don’t want to have kids? We’re good men, right?
Some people might disagree. I had a vasectomy at 28, and since then I’ve been called selfish and immature for permanently 
saving myself from midnight bottle feedings. (OK, maybe I am a little selfish and immature.) Mom cried when she found out. Some women refused to go on dates.
A lot of negative vibes pop up for those of us who want to remain child-free. But there are plenty of positive vibes, too. This column will examine the issues—good, bad, fugly—surrounding the decision to permanently avoid reproduction.
And I’ll be looking for reader stories, too. Did you get snipped without your significant other knowing? Do your parents nag you to become a dad? Do you belong to a church that tells you God has a little bundle of drool waiting for you? Did you remain child-free for decades, only to change you mind later? Let me know.
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I thought I’d start out this column with a bit of science.
The desire to remain child-free hit me suddenly sometime in college. Sort of like my addiction to Mountain Dew and Japanese game shows. The reasons are many:
First, as the oldest of my family’s seven kids, I’ve already changed way more than my fair share of diapers.
Second, instead of spending Saturday mornings watching Ted Jr. strike out at Little League games, I’d much rather watch those Japanese contestants humiliate themselves on TV.
I’m not alone. Surveys show that the number of so-called “childless-by-choice” Americans is on the rise.
And even those crazy people who do want kids are making fewer of them. Earlier this year, the National Center for Health Statistics revealed that the U.S. birth rate is the lowest it’s been in a century: a mere 13.5 bloody, oozing births for every 1,000 people. The tanking economy is one of the biggest reasons—baby food is freaking expensive.
But last week, as I watched yet another poor sap on television slam chin-first into a padded wall, I wondered: why don’t other dudes want kids? Was it for financial reasons? A hatred of children? An aversion to touching poop?
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To get some answers, I contacted Laura S. Scott, a writer and producer who focuses on the child-free movement in North America. (Yes, there’s a whole movement.) Scott is the author of Two is Enough: A Couple’s Guide to Living Childless by Choice. (Yes, there’s a guide.)
From 2004 to 2006, she surveyed 171 single, partnered, and married adults, asking them to rank 18 “frequently cited motivations for remaining childless.” The motivations were statements like, “I don’t think I would make a good parent” or “I don’t enjoy being around children.”
Scott says her survey group is one way her research differs from many earlier looks at the childless-by-choice crowd: the earlier studies usually ignored men.
“I did a bunch of research and realized there hadn’t been a lot of books written on this topic for a while,” Scott said in a phone interview. “And most that had been written were for and about women, I guess under the assumption that, you know, motherhood is instinctual and fatherhood is learned.”
So when Scott looked for respondents, she made sure she found some guys. Fifty men volunteered their answers; 121 women responded.
And as the survey progressed, she found that “Men really had a lot to say in the decision-making regarding remaining child-free.”
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Scott says men and women feel the stigma against childlessness differently.
“Women tend to face more stigma for their choice to remain childless,” said Scott. “And they tend to be more acutely identified with their childless status than do men.”
“Young men particularly don’t really face a lot of stigma for not having children yet. Perhaps as they grow older they may get questioned by their peers,” she said.
But, she said, the pressure for men to have children can be greater in conservative religious communities or particularly pro-natal cultures—like Chinese or Indian cultures, for example—where producing an heir carries a lot of weight.
But back to the survey. Respondents ranked how they they identified with each reason on a scale from 0 (the lowest) to 5 (the highest). Scott then ran the results through some fancy statistical analysis to identify what mattered most in a person’s decision to remain child-free.
So, were there many differences between men and women in the reasons they cited?
“Really not much at all,” said Scott. “The top three motives were pretty much the same.”
For both men and women, the top-rated reason wasn’t so much about children as it was about marital satisfaction: “I love our life, our relationship, as it is, and having a child won’t enhance it.”
That makes sense; relationships suddenly change when you have to wake up for 3 a.m. feedings or hire a sitter to get in some alone time.
The second-highest reason for men: “I do not want to take on the responsibility of raising a child.” Eighty-two percent of men rated this a 4 or 5, compared to 70 percent of women.
For the third-highest motive, men and women again picked the same response: “I have no desire to have a child, no maternal or paternal instinct.” Fifty-four percent of men rated it a 4 or 5.
Fourth on the list: “I want to accomplish things in life that would be difficult if I were a parent.”
Not a big surprise. Most of the child-free people she’s spoken to are immersed in their work.
“They were engaged in careers that took them away from home,” said Scott. “For one reason or another raising children would be problematic, given what they were doing at the time.”
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One significant statistical difference showed up when survey-takers were grouped by age: 100 percent of 20- to 29-year-olds rated “I want to focus my time and energy on my own needs, interests, or goals” high on their list, compared to only 42 percent of those 50 years and older.
“That was not unexpected,” Scott said. “The youngest group, which is the college students and the people just going into the workplace and the young adults were really focused on their own interests, needs, or goals as a priority over raising a child.”
Scott had looked at similar studies conducted in the past. She found that motives cited in the ’70s and ’80s were fairly similar to the motives child-free adults cited in her own survey.
She believes that’s because the environmental and zero-population movements of the 1970s are fairly strong today, too.
Surprisingly, “I’m too addicted to Japanese game shows to chase toddlers” didn’t score high on the list. I guess I’m weird.
—Photo Kris Fulgham/Flickr
Check out Ted’s story, “Undercover at a Christian Gay-to-Straight Conversion Camp,” one of the most popular GMPM articles of all time.
About Ted Cox
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“I wondered: why don’t other dudes want kids?”
Many men who have chosen Not to have children who would actually like to have children. So why don’t they? Maybe the horror stories of how other men have been used and discarded by their (ex) wives and the kids that are now hers not his too any longer. How about the huge cost of alimony and child support? Ever consider that men talk with each other about the biased Family Courts that are anti-male?
Men bear virtually all the risk when the marriage bond within a family breaks. An early life vasectomy is certainly a critical step in protecting men from man-hating institutions like family courts and law enforcement.
Yup. Many men would choose to have a family if it were actually safe to do so.
I dont even know where to begin. But I got married at age 20 (wife 19), and we decided to not have children until we were more financially stable. In year 6 my wife became pregnant in a lapse of birth control and tragically miscarried. It was a very painful time, and after we began to heal we became dead set on NOT having children. I decided to have a vasectomy because I didn’t want her to endure the physical risks of birth control anymore and it was a mutual decision. From that point it has been all about work for us, ironically opening 3 daycare centers since then. Being around children like that everyday took away some of the sting while we matured in our decision. We always said we loved the freedom to jump on a plane and go anywhere in the world without worries at anytime. Some of our very closest friends are childless as well and we have never thought twice about making the decision since. HOWEVER, our relationship began to erode within the last few years and unfortunately have filed for a divorce. We just simply grew apart, and I fully believe that our decision not to have children did not play a part. I began dating again and have been completely straight forward with women I meet concerning my vasectomy and lack of desire to have children. THEN I met my potential soul mate 6 months ago, and we have really enjoyed each other. BUT, she really wants a child and very recently asked if I would ever have the vasectomy reversed and I honestly said NO. Sadly the issue has been a deal breaker for us, but I fully understand. I just really hope to find someone on the same page as me to start a new life with. Thanks for letting me rant.
I logged on to read the story and was eager to comment and your comment caught my attention. Your story is really interesting and I think the readers and contributors at whynokids.com would like to hear it. I for one would like to see updates and comments from you about your decision and dating and how things are going. And I think you might enjoy reading a story we linked to by Vicki Larson. Check it out and let us know what you think. We’re also at http://www.facebook.com/whynokids.
Im with you my friend!! Since age of 23 , I decided not to have Children!! Does it mean that we are evil? NO, heavens sakes!! Remember Not everyone has to be a father, I did Vasectomy 3 years ago, and I love it every day to wake up not to be responsible !! That doesnt mean I dont like Children !! I love Children ( we are a child of God)!! I have friends who make fun of me,They call me Vasectomy How are? I tell them much better than you< beacuse you have to pay Child Support!! And now who is laughing? Why bring a child to this Planet to suffer?? especially When the parents get divorced!!
Matter fact I made my own T-Shirt. It says on the Front I'm proud of Vasectomy, and on the back it says, I dont have to pay no Child Support. Remembeer Life is Happines ,you are Happines you are a Child of God!! And i'm with you 100 percent!! and live life the fullest every day !! And Smile !!
I’m a bisexual guy and spent most of my 20s spouting off about how I couldn’t wait to be a daddy. With some time and maturity, I realized I’d bought into the notion that being a dad somehow made me more acceptable to society (and certainly to my family). I was still dealing with my own internalized homophobia.
With a little more time and thought, I realized I don’t feel a draw towards being a parent. I know so many gay guys who are adopting left and right and bully for them. I’m not especially interested, but you wouldn’t believe the peer pressure about this issue in the gay community.
I don’t mind kids, I just have other goals and interests that don’t involve raising one of my own. And frankly, I hated being a kid, too. HATED IT. Couldn’t wait to grow up and get out on my own. Being a kid sucks, being a teenager sucks. It’s refreshing to hear other people say it. We romanticize the infant years and childhood and the teen years to a grotesque degree in this country.
Thirty years ago, when I was 25, my wife and I decided that we did not want chldren. I thought that a vasectomy was the best option. It was difficult finding a doctor that would give a 25 year old man a vasectomy. The doctor that did mine tried to talk me out of it because he thought I was too young to make such a permanent decision. Thirty years later, I have no regrets with my decision.
I never encountered any adverse reactions from my family. I have a brother and 3 sisters so my mother has lots of grandkids and great-grandkids.
I’m struck by how universally this gets talked about in a way that I see as completely backward.
The question that always needs a really solid answer is: Why do I want to have kids? Not, why don’t I?
It’s is absurd to treat parenthood as the default, and not having children as a decision that requires explanation.
There are plenty of good reasons that people choose to have kids. I have two kids, and I’m glad that I do.
But HAVING kids should be a thoughtfully considered decision.
I completely agree. It would be different if we were born pregnant like Tribbles, but we are all in fact born childfree. Sure most of us are born with reproductive organs, but most of us are also born with appendices. The default setting should be childfree, really.
I really enjoyed reading this article, as it’s on a topic that doesn’t come up too often. My friend’s boyfriend recently got a vasectomy because neither of them want children, and I think it was a great decision.
You know that page refresh is the most annoying thing.
I never understood the disagreement between those who want kids and those who don’t. I mean, to me if someone gives you flak for either choice means they must not be secure in their own. Therefore, their problem, not yours and worth ignoring.
To me the whole problem is equivalent to someone giving you grief for being a doctor instead of a lawyer.
Yes, some folks make that choice to be child-free out of pure selfishness. That’s a good thing. Selfish parents are bad ones. Just ask all the kids of parents who chose to have kids in selfishness (not for love but for “carrying on the family name” or some other such drivel. I have kids, but if you don’t want to, who cares? I don’t have time to live your life and mine too! LOL
Lots of good points in this article. I decided I did not want children in my early 20′s. I’m 38 now, and still completely satisfied with that choice.
Like the author says – my two main reasons are that I don’t think I would be a good parent, and that I don’t enjoy being around children in general.
Seriously, as a women, I’d be thrilled to date a guy who took his own liberty like that.
For one, I’m not interested in having my own kids, nor dating men who have any. And as you get older, those become harder to find.
Two, I have horses and much of my time goes to them. My niece is wonderful, but she’s my sisters kid. And I like that fact. I’ve been a teacher, now travel for a living and like the quiet.
Three, for medical reasons I can’t go on any type of birth control medication. Which sucks (cause don’t get me wrong, I like sex) but I’ll often abstain because I just don’t want to have to deal with the possible aftermath.
It is a much different view, having children, from a womens side; with the whole physical toll on your body. I respect guys who make the choice to have a vasectomy. Just wish I knew who more of them were, cause they might have a better chance of getting frisky (with me) because of it.
My first wife insisted on it post our daughter being born. She had to talk me into it.
I completely respect your choice and I would love to date a guy who’d had a vasectomy – it would make things much more relaxed. I don’t want children and it’s not easy to find others who feel the same way. I hope more people will speak out about this option.
My wife and I have been happily married for over 14 years and are childless by choice. We considered having children about 8 years in, but then came to the conclusion that we enjoyed each others company too much, and we just didn’t have a burning desire for a drooling, pooping, screaming shrine to ourselves, and the last thing the earth needs is another carbon footprint. I had a vasectomy a little over a year ago and it is the *best* decision I’ve ever made.
great piece Ted, and a bold move by a single guy to get snipped. I hope the move protects you from years of questions about your certainty, sanity and sexuality. And I hope you share more of your story. I’ll post a link to this story and the amazing comments on whynokids.com and http://www.facebook.com/whynokids too.
If/when you want to share follow-up stories about dating and the response you get from readers and strangers, please come guest blog or post a link.
So it’s selfish to refrain from creating something that doesn’t exist? Wow. I guess I’m selfish.
Forgive me for not adding one more to our crowded planet; for not creating a life that drains resources; for not subjecting a human being to the inevitable sorrows and struggles of life, only to die at the end; for not getting a woman pregnant as some sort of contingency retirement and/or elderly care plan.
Yeah, the non-breeders are the selfish one’s.
This is a great article. I wish more men would have this done. It saves a woman a lot of trouble with birth control. Also it’s more practical and cheaper than getting a woman’s tubes tied. Also, hormonal based birth control is screwing with the ecosystems.
What should be scandalous is that there are still plenty of doctors who will refuse to do a vasectomy on a young man who wants one. They assume he will likely change his mind, don’t let him do anything drastic, etc. No matter what the reasons that the patient gives. Just as there are doctors who will not perform tubal ligation on women under 35, no matter what good reasons the patient gives. Sounds pretty paternalistic and condescending to suggest you know better than I do about my reproductive decisions. I think part of your basic reproductive human rights is the right to sterilization if you so desire. It would be a lot better for society if that were a more available option.
I became a dad almost exactly 1 year ago and I will have to say being a father is probably the most fulfilling experience I’ve ever had. And not like I had been planning to be a dad for years or that I actually liked children before, my son came as a surprise and I wasn’t sure what to expect. But once he was born, my perspective changed completely and things that used to be important are not so much anymore. So I understand the view of men that choose not to be fathers but at the same time let me just say that some of you (the men that are good at connecting) are missing an extraordinary life experience..