Mark D. White explains how the elusive “It Factor” can make or break a relationship.
After ending my marriage of 15 years—the last few years of which, neither of us so much as blinked in acknowledgment of our anniversary or Valentine’s Day—I embarked on the search for love.
Over the last year-and-a-half, I met several women online (not through online dating sites but rather through random interactions on blogs and Twitter), intelligent, clever, beautiful, and kind women all of them. I thought this was fantastic—I was making meaningful connections with amazing women who appreciated the man I was. And since I value emotional intimacy more than physical intimacy, I found these close online friendships, which led to romantic conversations and sometimes love, to be exactly what I needed, regardless of the long-distance nature of the relationships.
As wonderful as these online connections were (often augmented by phone calls or Skype), eventually we would meet face-to-face. I thought that since we had formed tight emotional and romantic bonds online, after meeting in person the final piece would naturally fit into place and everything would be great from that moment on. I have long held to a romantic ideal that put the greatest emphasis on the meeting of two people’s minds, hearts, and souls, and if that connection were true, then the physical connection would follow. And that’s what happened with the first woman I connected with online, so I assumed it would happen with all the others.
But not always. I forgot about “it.”
What is “it”? Hell if I know, but it’s crucial. It’s the “click,” the spark, the chemistry (figurative or literal), the force that draws two people toward each other.
I took “it” for granted. I was spoiled by feeling it when I saw my first online love emerge from the gate at the airport, and when held her in my arms the first time I just knew. And once that relationship ended and I met someone else online, I was stunned that after months of amazing texts, tweets, phone and Skype calls, I didn’t feel “it” with her when we met. (Ironically, she was very concerned about “it” before we met, and I couldn’t understand why. Now I do.)
Sometimes I felt it, other times I didn’t—and the same for the women, of course—and there seemed to be no way to explain why it worked with some and not others, given that they were all intelligent, beautiful, funny women, the kind of women I have always wanted to be with. Luckily, with the women it didn’t click with, it didn’t take long to recognize that “it” wasn’t there, leaving us free either to either grow closer as friends or drift apart naturally once the promise of romance was gone. But it was still disheartening.
It still amazes me, and probably always will. Just when you think you’ve found someone that arouses your interest, makes you laugh, seems warm and kind, and is pleasing to the eye, it could still fall apart if “it” isn’t there. In some way it’s a complete game-changer, but it also confirms some other thoughts I’ve had. For instance, it reinforces my belief that focusing on your “type” is foolish—a person who seems like “just your type” may not do anything for you, and the person who’s not even close to your type may nonetheless make your pulse race. Restricting ourselves to people we think are our type merely limits our options for no reason. It’s much better just to trust your heart and wait for “it.”
As much as I hate to say it, given my romantic ideals—plus the fact that I come off much better online than in person—developing romantic relationships online may be overrated if the desired final result is an in-person relationship. As perfect as you may seem for each other over the internet, phone, and Skype, you may never know if you’re right together until you meet. Of course, sometimes it works, and it’s wonderful when it does—hell, it’s wonderful no matter how it happens! But if there’s that crucial piece, that “it,” that you can’t ascertain without meeting, then it’s wise to arrange a meeting as soon as you can, and bring the virtual into the real world. It can be incredibly disappointing to realize that a person you’ve developed feelings for, perhaps very intense ones, online does not “do it for you” in person—and the sooner you find this out, the better.
“It” isn’t everything, of course, but it has to be there. Now I just have to find it.
—Photo BiblioArchives / LibraryArchives/Flickr
About Mark D White
The elusive “it”…chemistry, a sense of being kindred spirits who also feel passion and mutual attraction…it’s good it’s not so easy to find, which is why it’s more special when it’s there.
(It also probably helps not to get to know someone too much before meeting, because not-in-person communications don’t always translate well, and you think you know someone one way, and in person they are different than you imagined…if you didn’t have too much beforehand, there is less of a set up of expectations).
Or maybe not, but just a thought
When I met my husband, he did a double take, and I felt the “it”, and we just met (and we got to know each other after, and it got better). I didn’t know what to expect, only that I liked something about him, and learned more as I spent more time with him. Who knows what would have happened if we chatted first, then met after I had an imaginary idea of who he was?
As perfect as you may seem for each other over the internet, phone, and Skype, you may never know if you’re right together until you meet. Of course, sometimes it works, and it’s wonderful when it does—hell, it’s wonderful no matter how it happens! But if there’s that crucial piece, that “it,” that you can’t ascertain without meeting, then it’s wise to arrange a meeting as soon as you can, and bring the virtual into the real world. It can be incredibly disappointing to realize that a person you’ve developed feelings for, perhaps very intense ones, online does not “do it for you” in person—and the sooner you find this out, the better.
Great article, I found the same things you wrote about.
It is about that missing shard – the offline presence of the other person. That is the final piece in the jigsaw, that can only be known through face time
Just when you think you’ve found someone that arouses your interest, makes you laugh, seems warm and kind, and is pleasing to the eye, it could still fall apart if “it” isn’t there.
)Thankfully, it usually only takes one or two face to face encounters before realizing “it” isn’t there.)
It’s much better just to trust your heart and wait for “it”.
(Never settle….and never allow your partner to either.)
@Mary Lee: “It’s much better just to trust your heart and wait for “it” (Never settle.”
Mhh. And what if “it” never arrives?
What if, waiting for the “right” person to appear, you discard all the others?
What would remain, in the end?
@Valter V – In the end, what remains is a full life of going on dates, getting to know men, getting to know myself, sharing smiles and laughter, agreeing/disagreeing and creating wonderful memories. I have no doubt that I will find someone (because there are plenty) who I feel “it” with. I’ve already felt it with 2 men in the past 9 yrs. It’s out there…..they’re out there.
I don’t consider it “discarding” if while in the “get to know” period with someone, either one of us realize that a relationship will not happen (for whatever reason) we say “thanks but no thanks”. Keeping ourselves open to the possibility of finding someone who is “right enough” for us is what dating is about. New experiences. Sometimes we are the student, other times we are the teacher, but we are always learning.
Ok, I’m glad you did meet such kind of men.
Perhaps I misunderstood you. I thought you meant waiting and not trying relationships, until meeting the “perfect one”.
IMHO, that attitude usually lead to solitude and void. But I see now you were meaning something else.
“It” is not something you should look for, it is something you should avoid.
“It” means commitment. Marriage. Children.
“It” means a life of longing and loss. Loss so painful, longing so unbearable, that the human mind cannot cope.
One day, when your desperate dreams force their way into your perception of reality, and you imagine the laughter of beloved children that were taken, you will know what I mean.
@Mark D White: “It still amazes me, and probably always will. Just when you think you’ve found someone that arouses your interest, makes you laugh, seems warm and kind, and is pleasing to the eye, it could still fall apart if “it” isn’t there.”
I have a (relatively) simple explanation.
Human beings are composed of several “parts”; we’re like a complex system, with many components interconnected. The main parts are the intellectual, the emotional and the physical, but there are actually many more “sub-parts”.
And every part has its own needs. And sometimes those needs are even in conflict with each other.
When we meet someone (be it online or in real life) and we are attracted to her, it’s because that person satisfies some of our needs (or we believe she can).
When many of our needs are fed, or when our most important needs are fed, we fall in love and we think this person is right for us. It’s what happened with your online relationships: many of your needs were met (fed), and you felt nourished and happy.
There is a problem though: when you actually know that person, you might discover that she lacks something else you need. Everything seemed perfect, but you couldn’t see the big picture yet.
(this may happen when going from online to real life, or even after being married or living together; really knowing someone is no easy feat)
That’s what happened to you or your friends, when you didn’t feel the “it”. I’d say that your “it” is chemistry and/or physical attraction: something you can’t test online. Something that’s deeply unconscious and emotional, so we can’t much define it rationally, and most people is not aware of it: they just know when it’s present (but they cannot explain it).
BTW, when people meet in real life and feel attraction, it may happen the opposite of what you experienced: they feel the “it” (otherwise they would not “click”), but they might later discover some other important parts are missing (kindness, honesty, humour, commitment, sharing…). The “it” can be so emotionally powerful, many people think that’s all it takes.
Instead, after the peak of hormones has past, all the other need are still there, and calling.
This is my explanation: you found many qualities in those women, but something was missing. Maybe something you didn’t consider much, but some parts in you did.
You might “value emotional intimacy more than physical intimacy”, but some parts in you disagree: they need physical excitement and intimacy, and those parts won’t let you go.
All those parts in us are like little (and sometimes not so little!) tyrants: they all need something, and they don’t care much about each other.
Alas, finding someone who’s able to satisfy all of our needs may be really hard; that’s why simple people easily fall in love, but fine intellectuals seldom do.
Sometimes we’d better forget about “perfection” and appreciate what is in front of us, I think.
Above all, knowing ourselves and getting to understand all our “parts” helps in meeting their needs and finding the right mate. When you don’t know what you want, it’s even harder finding it.
+1, particularly this bit
There is a problem though: when you actually know that person, you might discover that she lacks something else you need. Everything seemed perfect, but you couldn’t see the big picture yet.
(this may happen when going from online to real life, or even after being married or living together; really knowing someone is no easy feat)