Thomas Fiffer believes the big factor in domestic violence is ‘relationship entitlement,’ and he’s calling it out to stop the hurt.
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Let’s start with two startling facts:
1. 60% of Americans know a survivor of domestic violence.
2. One in three women (30%), and one in seven men (14%) report living with intimate violence.
These numbers come from the “No More” study, a recent survey commissioned by the Avon Foundation for Women. And given the tendency of survivors to underreport, they’re probably low.
What we call domestic violence isn’t a small, limited, other people’s problem but a national epidemic affecting 60 million people or 22% of Americans.
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The statistics are startling, because they make it clear, beyond a reasonable doubt, that what we call domestic violence isn’t a small, limited, other people’s problem but a national epidemic affecting 60 million people or 22% of Americans. It’s affected me, my friends, my colleagues, and people I’ve met in person and cyberspace who have shared their experiences—people I never would have guessed had domestic violence in their history.
If you have three daughters, one of them is likely to face this problem.
If your son is on a baseball team, he or one of his teammates will experience abuse.
The greatest danger is not the stranger but the person who is right there next to you.
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The fact is, your chances of being raped, beaten, sexually and physically abused, even murdered, are much, much greater with people you know than with people you don’t know. The greatest danger is not the stranger but the person who is right there next to you. The person you eat, breathe, and sleep with every day. Yes, that person. The person with whom you’re “in a relationship.”
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When one partner hurts another with fists or words in an intimate relationship, it’s rarely a single, isolated incident, though the victim often treats the first occurrence as such. Abuse follows a pattern, and abusers follow a playbook, using tactics such as physical force and intimidation, financial and emotional withholding, and threats of punishment—physical harm, emotional blackmail, or both—to dominate and control their partners.
Abuse manifests itself in behavior, and abusers consider abusive behavior not only acceptable but also justified—both a right and a privilege.
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What underlies the abusive dynamic? Clearly there’s the abuser’s personality and how it was shaped in childhood—as the saying goes, hurt people hurt people—though not all hurt people grow up to be abusers. In addition, there is often a co-dependent relationship between the abusive and abused partner. Regardless of the personality issues, which are often complex, abuse manifests itself in behavior, and abusers consider abusive behavior not only acceptable but also justified—both a right and a privilege. When they treat another person—a person they claim to love—as lacking rights, less than equal, and deserving punishment and harm, it’s because they feel entitled to do so. And this entitlement is often specific to the intimate relationship. They don’t abuse their bosses, their colleagues, or their friends, which makes the abused partner doubt that anything is wrong. They present their behavior in the relationship as normal and frame their abusive actions as “normal reactions” to things their partners are “doing to them.”
This is not an in-depth exploration of abuse, because the point here is to identify the role of entitlement in abusive relationships, and to set forth a five-point manifesto that I hope will help end it.
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1. Our relationship does not entitle you to have sex with me. Not every night. Not every week. Not even once. Not ever. I may be your wife, husband, girlfriend, or boyfriend, but I don’t have to put out. A relationship creates the opportunity for sex but does not guarantee it. Your needs are important, but they don’t ever determine the outcome. If you’re not getting enough, you can leave. Sex is requested, negotiated, and agreed on, and my consent—expressed in words or with clear, non-verbal communication—is always required.
2. Our relationship does not entitle you to treat me with disrespect. There is nothing I can do to you that merits contempt or scorn. You may be upset with me, disappointed, even angry. And you have every right to express your feelings in a healthy, constructive way. But you have no right to insult, mock, demean, or dismiss me, or to treat me as anything but an equal. I don’t stick around where I’m not appreciated.
No matter how angry you are—with me or anything else in your life—and no matter how much you may hurt inside, hurting me physically is never an option.
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3. Our relationship does not entitle you to use physical force against me, except in self-defense. If I start beating you up, you have every right to defend yourself and subdue me. Otherwise, you must never strike me, push me, restrain me, or interfere with my physical freedom. You must respect my body space at all times. No matter how angry you are—with me or anything else in your life—and no matter how much you may hurt inside, hurting me physically is never an option. If a stranger attacked me, I would call the police, and our relationship will not prevent me from calling them on you.
4. Our relationship does not entitle you to emotional manipulation, to use my fears and vulnerabilities to hurt me or get your needs met. If I don’t want to do something, I don’t want to do it, and I get to choose not to do it. If you want to convince me, give me a good reason. Show me the benefit for me. If you threaten pain for non-compliance, I will lose all respect for you, instantly. And I will pack my bags (if I live with you) and leave.
5. Our relationship does not entitle you to assume you’re fine and leave your own issues, illnesses, and disorders untreated. Just because I’m dating you, or married to you, I don’t have to accept your hurtful behavior and destructive patterns as givens. You may have hidden these things during courtship. Or I may have ignored all your red flags. Either way, I don’t have to be stuck tolerating stuff in our relationship just because we’re in a relationship. Nothing is permanent, and if you take me or my love for you for granted, you’ll soon find yourself alone.
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Whether you keep this list to yourself, share it with your partner, or take it to heart and change your own behavior, my hope is that it will make our fantasy that domestic violence is a small, limited problem real.
Photo—deliriant/Flickr
Holy. What does this all mean. This all started in history and now it’s continued into the new world. I guess men like gaming women and all end up alone. Is it worth keeping the old wrinkled boys club of history alive. Thank god we know of a few good men. Just not Mr. Entitlement. Must like living without a good special love. Goofs
Be good to yourself and enjoy life. We can give a helping hand but know hand outs. Entitlement is brain washing. And if anyone women or men get caught in this very silent cycle of abuse. You will be so sick on all levels that you will lose more than money. Entitlement abuse is identity theft period.
Our relationship does not entitle you to use physical force against me, except in self-defense. What if I catch you while you are harming or abusing somebody else? I cannot use physical force against you to stop your act of abuse against that other person? There is nothing I can do to you that merits contempt or scorn. What if I find out that you are serially and unrepentantly unfaithful? What if you actually flaunt your infidelity and depravity? What if I find out that you have been viewing child pornography? What if I find out that you are a… Read more »
Let’s review some top risk factors of domestic violence
– Under 35
– Single, separated or divorced
– Low social standing (lack of insurance and medical access, money)
– Depression, anxiety and low self esteem
– Partner who abuses drugs and/or alcohol
– Abuses drugs and/or alcohol
As you add risk factors, the prevalence jumps to over 80% when all of the above are present.
Yes, these risk factors all seem to lead to the conclusion that people of lower socio-economic class should not engage in relationships. Disasters waiting to happen.
Haha
Too many folks throw about meaningless euphemisms such as “entitled” to explain complex dynamics rather than looking directly at the root causes of violence, which are mostly due to various versions of stress…but let’s keep talking about entitlement to sex and how that will cure global warming too!
#6 does *not* apply only for women. I do realize that is the norm, but I have made two friends in the last year who spent a TON of money taking care of their *baby boy*……who happened to be the same guy, younger than both. Buying him clothes, giving him gas money, buying him cigarettes and dinner. Another older woman friend was doing the same thing for one of his friends when last I interacted with them. I think the tables are turning, at least when it comes to older women and younger men.
Agreed- it’s only fair to apply it appropriately, as the dynamics can go both ways: Typically what’s fair for one is just as fair when the tables are turned.
That’s not surprising, we’ve outsourced a huge portion of the jobs that men used to use to make a good wage, while pressuring men to not bother with college.
I’m not really sure whether or not it’s a good thing, but ultimately, women are going to be making more money than their partners on an increasingly frequent basis if this continues. In the past women in the workplace were mostly there as a way of depressing wages so that employers didn’t need to pay men as much. That’s how women came to be commonly employed in education, for example.
“while pressuring men to not bother with college.”
Citations?
Doesn’t #1 sort of contradict #4? Sure a person isn’t technically entitled to sex, however, sex is an important part of marriage and saying never is going a bit far. If you never want to have sex with somebody, then that contravenes point #4 about manipulation.
I do however appreciate the nod to the fact that this isn’t just a man on woman issue though. It’s just unfortunate that so many men are still uncomfortable acknowledging that they’re being abused.
No, never is the right word. You are NEVER entitled to sex, that is not going too far at all. That you think so is a problem. The point was not about never wanting to have sex, but about the other part never being entitled to it.
Not wanting to have sex (even never wanting it) is not necessarily manipulation. And some people actually agree to a sexless marriage (sexual or asexual people).
@ Josh K. I think you’re wrong. In a committed relationship, each person is entitled to sex not in any single instance, but during the totality of the relationship, sure. Not wanting sex is not the same thing as with holding sex from your partner or not consenting to engage in sex. Even people who don’t want sex can still consent to having it to keep their partner happy. Simply saying that if you don’t like it you can leave is being disingenuous because that answer can be used for anything. It’s basically saying that if you don’t agree with… Read more »
I don’t see your point, John. But then I always find it hard to see your point, so forgive me, lol. I think I’m right. What I meant is that you are not entitled to force anyone to have sex. To coerce, to abuse. That is never right. You can want sex, sure. And you are entitled to wanting it, but not to have it with someone who is unwilling, because, you know, it’s a crime. Something no one in their right minds should ever be feeling like doing. That is all that I said. So your whole comment is… Read more »
You’re missing the point, yes, one isn’t technically entitled to sex, but don’t be surprised if your partner dumps you for it. Sex is a pretty fundamental need that people tend to have. If one partner never wants it, there’s basically only two reasonable options adultery and divorce.
Expecting somebody to stay in a marriage where there’s no sex is controlling and manipulative. You can gussy it up however you like, but ultimately
No, I was not missing the point. It’s just that saying you are entitled to sex could bring nasty misinterpretations. I would not be surprised at all if someone dumps anyone because they are feeling unfulfilled in their sex lives and they cannot cope with that anymore. In fact, I believe that is the best thing to do when you just can’t compromise and the other part won’t change (for whatever reason, not judging or blaming anyone who doesn’t want sex). Never said otherwise. I also do not see cheating as a super reasonable option, cheating is still lying but… Read more »
Wes, thank you for adding that one. It needed to be said. I realized how much I took my partners strength and skill for granted and woke up from the conditioning that I, as a woman, received that I was not capable of fixing things myself or capable of covering my own expenses. I make it a point to do both wherever I can and where I cannot, I acknowledge the men in my life for helping when I do need their specific skills without apology or shame. It’s amazing what mutual respect can do.
#6: (for women) I am not an appliance or ATM and I do not exist to provide you with anything you cannot earn yourself.
Oh, really? Your statement implies that all women must follow this rule and there are no men who are guilty of being lazy and expecting a woman to cook, have sex with, and financially provide for a man (trust me, there are such men) I’ve never expected a man to be my personal ATM, the bill is always split unless he insists. You’re a loser.
Gemma, then you’re one of the exceptions.Just look at family courts and you’ll see that men are no more then an ATM. And he didn’t imply anything but simply stated what he and MANY other men have observed or experienced..
@Tom Brechlin: You typed “Just look at family courts and you’ll see that men are no more then an ATM.” Whoa there… fathers should always support their children, no matter what. It is appropriate that (quoting yourself again) “MANY other men have observed or experienced” having to pay for their children’s needs. It seems to me you are missing the bigger picture, namely that MANY MORE women have raised and are still raising these children without the least bit of financial or practical or even moral support of the children’s fathers. Kindly consider take a look at some objective statistics… Read more »
Tom, you are saying bullshit again. One of the exceptions, Tom? How more wrong, hysterical and offensive can you get against the really of women, Tom? Most women do not ask for anything from men. Like all that Janice said. Men like you who believe men should not pay for anything for their own children are the problem. Men like you who don’t see how most women take care of their children all by themselves are the problem. Men like you who don’t even see women who ask for alimony are the minority (while cases where women are paying alimony… Read more »
How do you feel about Robin Williams? He was supporting two ex-wives, was taking jobs he didn’t want to keep the money coming in, had to sell his house. This on top of struggling with depression and being told he had Parkinsons. Providing for his children was one thing, but if you are a functioning adult with a job you can pay your own way. If you really believe that men and women are equal, then you accept that they are both capable of bad behavior.
“If you really believe that men and women are equal, then you accept that they are both capable of bad behavior.” Dude, get a grip. If YOU believe that men and women are “both capable of bad behavior” (which I believe you don’t and will judge a woman farting with same vehemence you would a man exploding a nuclear bomb) then you should accept right now that men are also capable of committing the “#6″ you listed (alimony, etc.). That is all that people are calling you out for. Admit you were shitty. And then people will move on. Of… Read more »
#6 (for men) I am not your mother, I am not your maid, I am not your secretary, I am not your servant. I’m not here to tell you what you need to do or teach you how to be an adult. I’m not here to schedule your errands or remind you of your responsibilities. I’m not hear to serve you dinner and clean and iron your clothes. I’m not here to work after the job I already have while you sit and play video games or watch tv or play on the computer claiming that you did your time… Read more »
Entitlement goes both ways. If you really accept that men and women are equal, then you accept that women are just as capable of bad behavior. Insisting that only men are entitled is sexist.
If you believe men are also capable of bad behavior, like the one your listed, you would not have said it only goes for women. The problem is yours.
I was used as an ATM and I am a woman. He felt a sense of entitlement to my earnings (self-employed business owner and hard-earned!!) because he cooked dinner and yet he refused to even look for a job. Thank God I woke up. It’s not just men who are used for their money. He even expected me to pay his fines and debts off, we weren’t even married…
Aha, he believes that is only for women. What a tool. Oh wait, not a tool, sorry. You are not an appliance. As if there weren’t enough men believing women exist only for serving them and to be used like sex toys who have to provide them with hot, hairless bodies able to perform any sexual fantasies with no expectation of reciprocity. In fact, for a more strong example, men are even “buying” women from poor places just to have a woman to serve them as they please and to sexually exploit them. The same goes with sex tourism –… Read more »