Julie Gillis isn’t a fan of Valentine’s Day, but she does love Love.
We come across one of my least favorite holidays, Valentine’s Day.
What’s that you say? Surely a woman who writes about love, sexuality, and relationships would love this day! But no! I find it fraught with anxiety both for singles and couples, tinged with memories of unrequited crushes (many), high school dance invitations gone awry (many), the need for validation of our sexuality, all mixed up with terrible ads for ticky-tacky jewelry companies (which that promise men hot sexytimes if they fork over the ticky-tacky jewelry. Ick.), prix fixe menus at overpriced restaurants designed to give you heartburn just as you attempt the sexytimes with your loved one.
We all want connection I think. Love. Intimacy. And Valentine’s Day is one of those days where no one really feels like they get it right, not unless you manage to pull off an engagement and a wedding on the same day with hearts and doves and so forth. Then again, going the Jackie Summers’ route is impressive.
I mean who hates being that person in the office that doesn’t get flowers (or that gal in high school who didn’t ever get a Val-o-Gram, ugh!) even when you don’t really like the idea of wasting money on things that will die and lose petals? Or trying to figure out sitters on THAT NIGHT so that you can go out and spend money celebrating things you could celebrate any day, any time? Or seeing couples around you when you are single?
I always dread it both because I dislike the pressure of it all, but also because I can’t help wanting to give in to the narrative of it. I think our narrative in the ads around VDay is mostly about “winning.” Getting the girl/boy, getting the ring/flowers/display of gifts, getting the validation of not being alone.
But what about actual love? What about love is it that we crave in all of this? Love brings up all kinds of even trickier questions.
Love as Longing? This is a great song about longing unfulfilled throughout a life.
Love as The Drug of Desire? Here’s a remarkable talk about the hormonal cocktail of love (not sex) that affects us so tremendously, obsessively, powerfully. We all think perhaps our “love” is special beyond words, but perhaps its just dopamine.
Love as Commitment and Growth? Here is another, perhaps more determined view on shared experiences occurring out of random chance, by a favorite comic/singer of mine.
It’s pretty much my favorite, though it casts me as a Pragmatist rather than a Romantic. Odd, cause I have pretty intense romantic feelings about loyalty, trust and commitment. And because I know that so much of Romance is tied up in the addictive chemical cocktail of the aforementioned video which leads us back to the first video. So complicated.
Makes me wonder what it is we crave so much? Perhaps it’s all about the drive of reproduction, but I think if it was just about that our bodies would have developed differently over time. Less dopamine and more immediate orgasmic response on the part of the female. Perhaps a longer gestation period with a more functional human not requiring so much bonding and care. Humans have evolved in pairs and groups needing LOTS of bonding and care.
We need each other and by damn if we don’t try to figure out ways around it, but we are not islands, humans.
In any regard, I don’t much like Valentine’s Day out of principle. I say, celebrate love and the love you feel for people randomly and without expectation. Surprise people with little drive-by moments of joy. Accept gifts from people that you may not recognize as romantic, but may be gifts just the same. Buy everyone candy hearts and flowers, or read your favorite poem to a stranger on the bus.
Let your love be in minute actions. Let your desire roll and twirl in the circular unity of pragmatism and romance. Allow for both trust and solidity, but also the euphoria of pleasure and dissolved ego boundaries. We need both, it’s clear, and both feed our souls and connect our bodies.
And boxes of chocolate don’t hurt much, either. I’m a fan of Callebaut Dark.
—Photo fohlin/Flickr
I think lovers don’t need a fixed day to express their feelings, it’s just a bore. I would appreciate it if a partner could make a surprise without waiting for an occasoin.
I totally agree. A can’t stand this “holiday” till now, even though I’m not single. It’s lake a performance with the lack of real FEELINGS. I want my boyfriend kiss me and present flowers every week, for instance, but not only once a year, when it’s holiday and he MUST do it.
Julie, I love your writing. And I find myself agreeing with you frequently (and thoroughly appreciating it on the rare occasions I don’t). Your point about Valentine’s Day resonates with me in a similar way that I feel about Mother’s and Fathers Days–I think that our focus of love should be much wider than a single day that we ought to or have to remind those we love that we love them, and I think that we’d all be better off if we didn’t have this absurd pressure to make an arbitrary day PERFECT merely because that’s the day it’s… Read more »
Thanks much!
Always hated V-Day. As a guy I’ve planned, cooked, bought…..for…..but other than the obligatory card never had .001% of the effort returned. Not looking for flowers or candy…..I’d just love if it wasn’t so damn one-sided. After 30 years I’d love to see some effort to make it “special” for me. If it was up tome I’d kill-off the whole damn holiday.
@trey1963: “I’d just love if it wasn’t so damn one-sided.”
Really?!? With all the ladies around talking about parity?!? 😯
I’m flabbergasted! No, really! 😆 😉
Seriously, I think you “invested” in the wrong women. I’m sure there are many, around, who aren’t into the “Gimme, gimme, gimme” attitude.
The whole V-Day ritual has become almost totally woman-centric. What are the “special” man-centric gifts/events for V-day? For women…candy/flowers/jewelry/Romantic night out seem to be the standards…..and the Man that fails to honor them at least somewhat tends to end up in the relationship dog house……And having Sex that night isn’t my special treat…..that is a completely mutual activity.
As I woman, I completely agree (and have been baffled by the fact that it was one-sided since I was a child–my parents always got V-Day gifts for both of my brothers and me equally). But I think that the problem is emphasized by the holiday, but not centred around the holiday (that is: men are CONSTANTLY being told to buy affection by the chocolate/florist/jewellery industries). I think it’s an overarching cultural problem that gifts for women are often qualified as ‘romantic’ when gifts for men aren’t–just across the board. (And the huge artificial gender divide between types of gifts… Read more »
Your comment reminded me that I’ve vowed that the next wedding I’m invited to I’ll get the couple a chainsaw or a pressure washer rather than the usual tableware stuff.
Did that one time….my Bro and his wife had bought a cabin. As a Xmas gift I gave them a chain saw…..she was deeply insulted. Funny how the china and tablecloth they also received that year as a couple wasn’t seen as an insult to my bro. Just because sexism is accepted as normal doesn’t mean it’s right. (yes I’m stating She was sexist in her response)
I haven’t had someone on Valentine’s Day since I was in high school, about 10 years ago at this point. I’ve been bitter ever since on the holiday, the worst being last year when I was dumped on February 13th (full disclosure, we’d only gone on two dates; still, worst possible timing…). I decided that this year would be different, and that I wouldn’t be bitter but would make the holiday all about my love for my friends; I would reclaim the holiday and become the KING of Valentine’s Day, carrying a sack of chocolate and stuffed animals and giving… Read more »
Thank you!
@Shawn: “carrying a sack of chocolate”
YES!
Be the Chocolate Santa! That’s a fine way to spread love and good mood around… 🙂