MaleSurvivor Executive Director Christopher Anderson reminds us that love does not guarantee that parents will keep their children safe.
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Adrian Peterson made the following comments yesterday after he signed a plea deal releasing him from any significant punishment for the brutal whipping of his four-year-old boy (which was serious enough to create genital scarring on the child).
‘I truly regret this incident,’ Peterson said outside the courthouse. ‘I stand here and take full responsibility for my actions. I love my son more than any one of you could even imagine. I am looking forward to and I am anxious to continue my relationship with my child.’
In my opinion, the love he feels has no bearing whatsoever on the important question in this case … whether or not his children are safe in his presence.
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I do not question Peterson’s love for his children. In my opinion the love he feels has no bearing on the only important question in this case. The only matter we should be concerned with is whether or not his children are safe in his presence. This question – Are Peterson’s children safe at this moment in time, and will they continue to be safe moving forward is the question that we must ask. It does not matter whether or not he loves his children; when and if he will return to the field; whether or not the NFL will demand he pay back the salary he has been drawing down while he has been suspended during this investigation. The only issue that matters here is the safety of his children. And Peterson’s statements about the love he feels for them are no indication whatsoever what the answer is.
Love is not a defense for abuse. The love a person feels is not and cannot be allowed to be a mitigating factor in cases of abuse. We as a society must stop allowing parents (and other adults who have responsibility for the care, protection, and nurturing of others) to defend the intentional infliction of abuse and trauma on others by simply saying they love the persons they hurt. Love is not a justification for harm. There may be no greater hypocrisy in this world than defending the abuse of children than by invoking the language of love.
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My parents were deeply flawed and were hurt people themselves who were simply not capable of providing me with the most basic kinds of nurturing protection. But there is no question that my parents loved me.
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My parents abused me as a child. At the same time my parents loved me. My parents were incapable of providing me with the nurturing stability that a child requires in order to thrive. Eventually this contributed to making me so vulnerable as to be an easy target for the man who sexually abused me. Yet, for all their failings as parents, one thing cannot be denied: both of my parents felt love for me. I do not believe that either of them took malevolent pleasure in my suffering and pain. My parents were deeply flawed people who were simply not capable of providing me with the most basic kinds of nurturing and protection. There is no question that my parents loved me. Indeed, it’s very possible that my parents’ love was one of the things that did help me eventually overcome the obstacles and challenges their abuse created.
Love does not ensure the safety of the person who is loved. Love does not guarantee that a parent will appropriately care for their child.
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Love does not ensure the safety of the person who is loved. Love does not guarantee that a parent will appropriately care for their child. Love is not the antithesis of abuse. Love is an emotion—one that can oftentimes be accompanied by toxic and harmful behaviors as much as it can be affiliated with nurturing and compassion. Love is a feeling, one we hope informs and inspires good behavior. But the only way we can determine whether the love a parent feels is praiseworthy is to look at how that parent treats their child. We need to see how the feeling of love translates into the ways a person treats the person they love. A parent or partner who expresses love by seeking to control through domination and cruel manipulation is being abusive. That does not obviate feelings of love the abuser may actually feel. However, all the love in the world cannot change abuse into something positive, nor does it compensate a victim for the pain, fear, and suffering endured at the hands of the person who claims to love them.
Peterson’s love for his children cannot, in and of itself, offset the physical and psychological harm that his actions have likely caused them.
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My parents’ feelings of love for me did not excuse, offset, or somehow eradicate the truth that their neglect and inability to care for me constituted a kind of abuse. In much the same way, Peterson’s love for his children cannot, in and of itself, offset the physical and psychological harm that his actions have likely caused them. Moving forward, Peterson certainly has the opportunity to act in ways that can better nurture his children. Having a strong, nurturing relationship with their father can be one of the most important things that will help give them the greatest chance of growing up into happy, healthy, and empowered adults. And when a parent has the integrity to own up to their own failures and ask for forgiveness, that can teach a profound lesson to a child about how we establish and promote respect and compassion in this world. Therefore, I hope that Peterson can grow and learn from these incidents and become a better father.
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We must recognize that Peterson’s declaration, with all its apparent sincerity, has absolutely nothing to do with the question of whether his children are safe from physical and emotional abuse when they are in his presence. In the end, that is the only measure that we can use to determine whether Peterson (or any other parent or guardian) is a fit parent. Again, I emphasize I have no doubt of the sincereity and truth of Mr. Peterson’s feelings. Nor will I make a prediction about whether or not he is a fit parent. However, if he cannot be entrusted to ensure his children are safe from harm at his own hands, then we as a society have a duty to those children to step in and do what we can to protect them.
For more from Christopher Anderson on the Adrian Peterson case, click here.
Photo—kwanie/Flickr
Tiffany, I thank you for your comment. Can you explain why you feel I’m equating sexual abuse to corporal punishment? While it is true that I run an organization who’s focus is on sexual abuse of males, this piece does not at all suggest that Peterson is a sexual abuser (although that argument could be made solely on the basis of injuries inflicted to the child’s genitals). Nor am I equating sexual and corporal punishment. I certainly agree that there is a difficult and very complicated, multifaceted question about the historical legacy of trauma and racial prejudice that plays into… Read more »
Christopher, The sexual abuse comment was directed at Pat Shepard. Sorry for the misunderstanding. I thought overall your argument was great and I totally understand why you left out the racial aspect. I am now raising my 11 year-old nephew in a predominantly white catholic school (only one other black kid in his class) and I am constantly giving him the “twice as good” speech which he seems to get. But one day I got pulled over by police officer in what is known as a racist county. I soon realized that all of the stuff that I was teaching… Read more »
Hi Tiffany,
Thanks for your reply. I hear everything that you are saying. And, for the record, as someone who doesn’t have kids myself, I try to be careful to never make statements that could be misconstrued as me telling someone who is a parent how they should behave.
I think you’re perspective here on raising your nephew is important, and I’d encourage you to write more about that and submit it to Joanna, Tom, and Lisa for publication. We can’t have enough stories about these dynamics out there.
Christopher, I read your comment to TiffanyG and I also replied to her response to me. I think you are being far too reluctant to stand your ground. It does not matter that you have no children. The behavior by AP was a crime and you are not “telling a someone who is a parent how to behave” on a disputable point. The beating administered here was brutal and I frankly question whether this sentence was adequate. Racism or historical oppression may make cultural differences understandable, but they do not excuse the abuse here. This beating would be a crime… Read more »
TiffanyG, If you understood my comment as equating physical abuse with sexual abuse you are mistaken. I mentioned sexual abuse as another example of how abusive behavior can be motivated by a distorted sense of what “love” means, but they are not the same thing. I never brought the issue of race into the discussion, you did. On the other hand, your comments seem ambivalent about criticizing physical abuse by black people as in this case. A history of oppression or racism does not make physical abuse permissible. In every jurisdiction I know of in the USA the kind of… Read more »
The race angle was not directed at you. It was just me processing. As for my ambivalence….I am not. If you read my other comment you would hear about my experiences parenting. What I am not is so sanctimonious as to believe that in a culture (America) that thrives on violence that I or you have all the answers and judgments. You say the racial angle does not excuse the violence…we agree. But that does not mean we stop trying to understand why Peterson felt compelled to use violence. I have been on other message boards where people are all… Read more »
Love is not an excuse but to equate sexual abuse with corporal punishment is wrong. In the black community physically disciplining your child is seen as a way to save your child from taking the larger beatings of the outside world. It is wrong but let us not forget the history of corporal punishment. Additionally, with the continued police power and brutality against people of color there is a heightened sense of keeping your child out the purview of said police power and if it takes a beating so be it. Again, it is wrong.
Not only is the feeling of “love” not a defense to abuse it is often the cause of the abuse because the abuser (and sometimes the victim) has a distorted idea of what “love” is. Abusers often believe they are acting out of love when they physically or sexually abuse their children or family members. “Love” is not just an emotion it is primarily the acts one takes. Mr. Peterson initially said he was attempting to discipline his child when he administered this beating. Sexual abusers often believe they are acting in a loving way when they rape children. Abused… Read more »