Encouraging princess culture—however innocently—contributes to the sexualization of girls. Men can be part of the solution to the ‘princess problem.’
This may surprise the readers of the Good Men Project Magazine, but we’re part of a problem: the princess problem.
More and more experts recognize that “princess culture” does great harm to girls. I don’t know how many GMPM readers also read Redbook, 
but it’s worth checking out this story: “Little Girls Gone Wild: Why Daughters Are Acting Too Sexy, Too Soon.” In it, Peggy Orenstein (the author of the new and important Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Dispatches From the Front Lines of the New Girlie-Girl Culture), makes the case that a lot of the prematurely sexy behavior and dress we’ve all noticed is actually rooted in something we think is very innocent: the world of princesses.
You may balk—what’s sexy about a little girl in a pink princess costume? But sexy, as it turns out, is not the same thing as sexualized. Sexualization is not just imposing sexuality on children before they’re ready and viewing girls as sexual objects, but also valuing a girl for her appearance over her other attributes. “Princesses are just a phase,” Orenstein writes, but they mark a girl’s “first foray into the mainstream culture. … And what was the first thing that culture told her about being a girl? Not that she was competent, strong, creative, or smart, but that every little girl wants—or should want—to be the Fairest of Them All.”
This may be true, but how is it our problem as men? Many—maybe even most of you who are reading this—don’t have daughters. A lot of you aren’t dads at all. Whether you think little girls dressed up as Snow White are cute or not, what does the problem Orenstein describes have to do with you?
Well, for starters almost every man has—or will have—a little girl in his life. If not a daughter then a niece, a little cousin, your buddy’s kid, your son’s friend from playgroup. And if you care about the well-being of these girls, this issue of princess culture and sexualization matters to you. The bad news is, you may be part of the problem; the good news is, you can be part of the solution.
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Thankfully, most men aren’t sexually attracted to prepubescent girls. But it doesn’t mean that we don’t have a very strong response when we see a 6-year-old dressed up as cute as can be. For men, complimenting older girls and women for their looks is often sexually charged and likely to get you in trouble. But as fathers, uncles, and others notice, little girls of princess age rarely have the same caution and suspicion about older men as their older sisters. Often transparent in their eagerness for attention and validation, they light up at praise. And no compliment is easier to give than “You’re so pretty.”
Five-year-olds in princess costumes are cute. But the problem is that the compliments we give as fathers, uncles, and coaches have an impact on the self-esteem of little girls. As they grow up, they realize quickly (certainly by age 8 or 9) that Cinderella costumes won’t cut it anymore. If they want to sustain the same level of attention that they had when they were adorable first-graders, they’re going to need to employ a different strategy: sexiness. And that sexiness gets our attention all over again.
Wait a minute, you’re thinking. I don’t leer at 10-year-olds in miniskirts. I don’t tell my niece that she’s hot. I wish girls would wait longer to be sexy! How am I part of this problem?
As Orenstein and others point out, little girls take their cues about what is desirable by looking at how boys and men respond to older girls and women. The father who lavishes adoration on “Daddy’s little princess” but ogles high-school cheerleaders is sending his daughter a clear message. The message is that the princess phase won’t last much longer, and if you want to grasp and hold adult male attention, you need to be sexy.
This sexiness has very little to do with sex, and everything to do with the craving for validation and attention. While all children want affirmation, princess culture teaches little girls to get that approval through their looks. Little girls learn quickly what “works” to elicit adoration from mom and dad, as well as from teachers, uncles, aunts, and other adults. Soon—much too soon—they notice that older girls and women get validation for a particular kind of dress, a particular kind of behavior. They watch their fathers’ eyes, they follow their uncles’ gaze. They listen to what these men they love say when they see “hot” young women on television or on the street. And they learn how to be from what they hear and see.
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This doesn’t mean that good dads shouldn’t let their daughters dress up as princesses. It doesn’t mean that good dads, good big brothers, and good uncles should never, ever tell a little girl that she looks “cute” or “beautiful.” It does mean that those good grown men need to make sure that they’re also giving her plenty of compliments that focus on her other qualities, like her intelligence, her kindness, or her athleticism. But something else matters just as much: how we look at and talk about other girls and women.
Too many men do everything they can to protect adored daughters, nieces, and little sisters—while making little attempt to disguise their longing for other young women who aren’t all that much older than the child they cherish. Girls who are raised to see compliments as currency quickly learn that if they want to keep their praise flowing in, they’ll need to do more to “earn” it. And too often, they learn exactly how to earn it from by listening to the words and following the eyes of the men they love and trust most.
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More From Our Special Marriage Section:
Even stellar relationships lose their spark over time; here are the ingredients of a lasting, fruitful partnership, and techniques for weathering the the stormy times: What Your Marriage Needs to Survive
When Tom Forrister transitioned from female to male, his same-sex marriage became a federally recognized, “traditional” marriage. The one constant was the bond he shared with his wife: My Exemplary, Everyday Marriage
As Gabi Coatsworth’s son’s bipolar disorder gave way to full-blown manic episodes, she watched her husband slip deeper into drink and detachment: Reading Between the Silences
For all the stories written by and for women on this issue—and there are few—men are more likely to be absent from the public dialogue about intentional childlessness. Why aren’t men’s stories also being heard? Two Is Enough
The nightmare of family court is enough to deter a guy from even thinking about tying the knot: Marriage: Just Don’t
If you’re married and using Internet porn regularly, your sex life—the one with your wife—is probably a lot less satisfying than it could be: How Porn Can Ruin Your Sex Life—and Your Marriage
Men are more promiscuous than women, but that doesn’t mean we should buy the cultural fallacy that men are programmed to cheat; the vast majority of men are happily, naturally monogamous: Are Men Natural-Born Cheaters?
Tom Matlack talks to married men to find out when they knew their wife was “the one”: She’s the One
Monogamy sounds like “monotony,” but it doesn’t have to be monotonous. Hugo Schwyzer explores how we can have the security—and the novelty—we desire in our relationships: Red-Hot Monogamy
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—Photo by Siti Saad/Flickr
About Hugo Schwyzer
I would think providing young girls with genuine praise, rather than the Princess fallacy, would help them grow as people. In this age of equality why would girls be treated differently to boys?
I seems to me that this question ignores the central issue just to make this question viable.
Sex is about reproduction, not recreation. For millions of years Males have been Conditioned to find the females desirable. In the more natural world any human female over 100 pounds is ready to breed. And ALL the Males are programed to find any such female sexually attractive regardless of the males age. Since he was expected to die at a young age any way. Its absurd to try and apply higher thought processes to this issue. its about reproduction. And your “Values” are not applicable.
Why do you keep capitalizing the M in male but not the F in female?
Emphasis I presume, similar to capitalizing the entire word.
“And your “Values” are not applicable.” if you are nothing more than a chimp, that’s all you, bud. leave the more intelligent men out of it. though really, it’s more likely just an excuse you like to use to avoid responsibility for yourself. so you CHOOSE to be a lower primate.
I believe there are some things that both sides do not understand about this subject or that have possibly been forgotten in all the emotional volcano eruptions.
The first is that there is an equal balance in responsibility between both men and women to raise the future generations. Both men and women, as teenagers or adults, have a large impact on children, no matter their gender.
Women should be responsible as mothers and as single women by dressing appropriately. Why do we need to show off our bodies? Are we not always saying that our personalities and other important qualities that make us who we are, are the ones we want men to love us and admire and respect us for? How can we have that if we then show off our bodies in immodest ways? What example are we showing our daughters? Why do we need to treat ourselves as sexual objects as well? We don’t want to send off mixed signals.
Men should be responsible as fathers and as single men by recognizing that yes, humans are designed to be physically attracted to each other in order to reproduce, but also recognize that women are not objects. We are people also. Of course I am not saying that all men think of women as objects, but some do, just as some women treat men like objects. Men who are married should be loyal to their wives and control their biological sexual urges. If you are married, you already have someone to reproduce and create life with. Men who are single need to not be selfish and think of how sexuality pleases themselves and instead think of the consequences their actions will have on society as a whole.
Men and women have equal responsibilities to raise both boys and girls. There is no need to point the finger, but to accept that both genders are responsible for the outcome of our society.
The second matter is that there is nothing wrong with being a princess. The problem comes when people think that being a princess only means one thing: being beautiful. Instead we should all think of what really makes a girl a princess (and a boy a prince). A prince or princess is a son or daughter of a king and a queen. If you believe in a god, that means that all humans are princes and princesses, as God is the King.
The last thing I wish to say is that we, as people with differing opinions and emotions and personalities, will not always agree. But we as people do not need to put others down for trying to do some good in the world. What is wrong with trying to help people and with writing things that uplift people and encourage better behavior? For myself, I say that Mr. Hugo Schwyzer has written a very great article because of his desire to improve society. Thank you.
Right on. Since becoming the father of my Darling (7yo) Daughter, I’ve been uncomfortable with her being complimented only, or primarily, for her cuteness. I have always heard to never date someone who was called princess by her father. Also, I’m not a fan of what Disney represents. So, putting all this together, we’ve avoided the princess thing.
However, you raise some well articulated points. Thankyou.
(I’ve reposted this on my FB, Twitter, and Scoop.it feeds)
Gwalter, try Miyazaki films. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0594503/ They’re popular and have female heroes and characters of all ages, great dialogue and animation. His characters are not sexualized and the female characters are not trying to get male attention but actually have real tasks at hand.
I highly recommend Spirited Away, which won an Oscar and is #44 on IMDb’s top 250 films as ranked by voters. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0245429/ Really, all Miyazaki films are wonderful for boys and girls, but Spirited Away was my introduction to him. “Howl’s Moving Castle” and “My Neighbor Totoro” are also amazing films. I’ve bought all three for my eight-year-old cousin and she delights in them. Miyazaki does have a film called “Princess Mononoke”, but it’s for older people and the princess in this case is a warrior living alone in the forest with giant wolves.
Just a suggestion, if you are looking for animated films just as great or better than Disney in terms of quality, but with strong female characters and non-princess storylines. Disney has introduced them to America by re-animating them so they are not “dubbed” English voiceovers, but in terms of storylines Disney managed to not change anything in terms of dialogue or story, which likely would have tainted the films if you ask me.
Thought you might be interested in this page; Gender Neutral Parenting
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Gender-Neutral-Parenting/302740229762397
I just posted this article there
It seems to me that a lot of female sexuality is based on being desired. True, female sexuality is much more nuanced and dynamic than that, but being desireable is a large part of it. Women may put on revealing clothes to feel “sexy”. Revealing clothes not on a body is not sexy. Revealing clothes are sexy because they are on a person presenting themselves as being desireable in some way. Is this bad? No, it is beautiful, ritualistic, and sexy.
The other side of this coin is that men often respond to desiring, whether it be because of lots of skin, the chase, etc. Romance and sex are a complex dance. Men are responding to female sexuality as much as they are responding to male sexuality. Is this bad? Of course not, this is life. Repressing male sexuality would therefore undermine female sexuality, and vice-versa.
We ought to deal with children like they are children. We don’t need to repress grownup urges and behavior in order to raise good kids. Kids are not adults and should not be treated that way. But kids learn to be adults by emulating adults. We need to allow this learning process to occur, but very slowly and gradually as they age.
I think it’s troubling when some young women/girls about 15 or so end up with an adult body, wear makeup and clothing the same as adults (makeup makes them look older) and you end up with men seeing an 18+ year old woman whereas she’s really 15. Male sexuality is being triggered by their looks which is pretty normal but some pass for a lot older, I knew plenty of girls that age getting into clubs in this country (which is illegal and the bouncer can get into shit for). Some of these girls/women/whatever the appropriate term is are projecting their sexuality quite heavily in their dress sense, their behavior, they’re trying to grow up too quick. Hell in this country teenage girls are the biggest drinkers of all people and binge drink like crazy. I heard of plenty of underage girls and boys getting with people in their 20′s when I was at school which makes me worry even more.
How do you deal with that situation? It’s at the point where if you think she is under 25 you should card her yourself before pursuing a relationship, I’ve seen plenty of people get confused at a person’s age when they’re well developed and dressed to the nines. I was even offered alcohol at 14 due to my height n size, I looked like an adult I guess. I’ve seen plenty of guys be attracted to these women thinking they’re 18-20′s and then the horror on their face when they realize their true age. Looks like an adult, acts like an adult, but isn’t an adult.
What’s worse is that guys are meeting them at venues which are 18+ entry, somehow the minors are getting in and no one’s the wiser. Some go home with the guys and it’s statutory rape meanwhile the guy is under the impression she’s legal and fully able to consent. A case like that has hit the courts in Australia however due to the defendants honest belief she was of legal age the case was dismissed. It’s stuff like that which makes me tell everyone to check the age of who you’re with.
What do you do when children act like adults and succeed at it? Can parents stop them wearing the clothing, makeup, etc? Can’t lock them in their room due to child abuse laws afaik, I’m not sure how parents can deal with teenagers especially apart from hope their threats of taking privileges away. I think it’s a pretty fucking sad culture we live in with people trying to grow up so quick. Luckily I wasn’t really into drinking so I didn’t go get shitfaced at the pubs/clubs when I was underage, and the new 18+ cards I believe are helping but that doesn’t do much for private parties where there can often be a wide range of ages from 14-25ish.
I understand the problem. However, the world is full of problems and we cannot remove all the risk in the world. That is why it is so important for kids to have active and engaged parenting to help them navigate the risky situations. If you have a son or daughter who looks older than they are, they need to be warned about certain situations.
When adults knowingly prey after kids and teens under 18, it is unconscionable. If an adult accidentally goes after someone who is not of legal age, I say tough shit for them. I’ve never seen a 16 year old who looks 25. I’ve seen 16 year olds who look 20 though. If those are the type of partners that an adult is into, they’d better be careful because that person may be a kid but you are definitely an adult-the burden of responsibility lies on your head. This goes for men and women.
I’ve seen plenty of 15 year olds that can easily pass for 20+. The tough part is when 20-25′s go for the “looks 20″ but is really 15, I don’t agree that they should be slammed by the law unless they knew he/she was underage. Of course to avoid this just avoid hookup culture, date someone for a while before having sex with them. There’s a big difference between predators and people making a mistake.
Hi Quinnlin, I’m a friend of your mom’s, too. My dtgehaur is also in Girl Scouts. She has changed troops three times. Like you, she loves Scouting and is now in a troop with girls who work together very well. I’m glad you stuck it out and found a troop with nice girls. It would have been easy to quit but you kept on. That is great! i hope you have a great Scouting year,Siobhan Wolf
I have seen alot of girls turn to drugs and alcohol. moltsy because of stress or because they are dealing with something in their life and they just want to get away from it all. Drugs and alcohol are a temperary getaway from reality, and when they come dow from the high or from that mini vacation in their mind, reality hits them even harder and they want to avoid that as much as possible, and thats why we have drug addicts and alcoholics. To them, they dont need friends because when the drugh and alcohol take over and they are in that little world, they have everything they need, friends, family, and a pain killer.
If we thought of the princess as a young Catherine the Great, that is, signficant because she would become a ruler, it wouldn’t matter much. The problem is the assumption that what is most important about her is the ability to attract male gaze.