Ken Solin believes that intimacy requires the courage to commit to a partner without fear.
I cringe when I hear this old chestnut because it paints men with way too broad a brush. It demeans us and suggests that we’re shallow and without souls. Unfaithful men keep making the news because they’re famous and everyone likes to watch a train wreck. But that rubbernecking shouldn’t ever be confused with admiration or desire.
In contrast, there are few stories about men who don’t cheat on their wives and work hard on their marriages. Perhaps stories about faithful men lack the salacious pizzazz the media is so addicted to. After working with men for over twenty years, though, I know that the title of this article is dead wrong. Opportunity–or its lack–is not the determining factor in fidelity for most men.
Men are faithful to their wives because they appreciate the richness of being in loving, supportive relationships. Although I have a tight-knit group of men friends who’ve always been there for me and have taught me most of what I know about relationships, my wife is my absolute best friend when I need advice about something other than our marriage. When I ask her opinion about a problem I’m struggling with, she tells me what she believes might work best for me. She doesn’t pause to consider whether or not her advice works for her too–and sometimes it doesn’t. I do the same for her, and our willingness to act selflessly with each other is a strong foundation for trust in our marriage.
We also offer each other unconditional support–a shoulder and compassionate ear in crises, cheer-leading for one anothers hopes and dreams, and sharing disappointments. That dependability has helped build and deepen the intimacy between us.
Intimacy requires the courage to commit to a woman without fear. But when that fear comes up for me, I remember how I felt before I found a woman I could commit to. I remember how empty dating and casual sex felt over time. What I also remember is that the only married men who envied my single-guy sexual exploits were in marriages devoid of intimacy or trust. After I married, I found listening to their extramarital stories sad and boring. Their character as men suddenly seemed a mile wide and an inch deep.
Of course, marriage takes work–hard work–but every relationship in my life that I hold dear involves some amount of work. My relationship with my son takes energy at times, but I never think twice about making the effort because I adore him. My relationships with my friends sometimes falter, and when that occurs, we talk about the problem and work through it because we place the highest value on our friendship. I feel similarly about making the effort with my wife.
I don’t know any man who wouldn’t prefer to be in a loving, satisfying relationship, and that includes the men I know who cheat on their wives. Most married men appreciate the value of shared intimacy, and lying and cheating just don’t figure into that. Being a faithful partner has absolutely nothing to do with opportunity. It’s all about character, integrity, hard work–and acting like a man.
I loved this post. As a betrayed stay at home mom, it feels so good to read that not all men will cheat given the opportunity. Unfortunately, my husband said he cheated because “he could”. We purchased a home near his work since where our main home was 300 miles north, and we thought it would be in his best interest to be able to rest a few days a week instead of driving home. Our second home was a convenient place for him to have an affair and his co-worker a convenient person to have it with. My husband… Read more »
Wow your husband is a real a-hole. I’m sorry that happened to you.
I have always been faithful to whomever I am with. I had a streak where a few years back in my early twenties where I was approached by around 6 women far exceeding the physical qualities of the lady I was with at the time. Some of them where basically “models” in a physical sense and a few of them were very successful (2 were fresh professionals making 150k+ a year). I could had easily cheated with every single one of them but I actually told my partner about these women. My gf was just a “cute” slim, flat chested… Read more »
This is a strange article. With whom, exactly, are we disagreeing? I’ve never met anyone who thought that “all men cheat,” or anything so ridiculous. Newsflash: Some people are jerks, and normal, nice people aren’t newsworthy.
It must be nice living under a rock. Ask a few women, especially seasoned ladies. It is harder to find a woman who HAS NOT been cheated on. The article isn’t strange. Your lack of knowledge is, however, very disturbing.
That is true, but only in some circles. Same is true of women, but only in some circles. However, that is certainly not true of the circles I travel in. I recommend a different circle of associates.
I would like to point out my own observation that this article also describes many women and many gay men who are my friends. The statement “I don’t know any man who wouldn’t prefer to be in a loving, satisfying relationship” applies to my gay friends also, including many who are living as couples. After observing them for almost 20 years, I think that “open” relationships are an oxymoron, a pleasant-sounding title which serves to delude people into thinking they share real intimacy. I was once the steady sex partner of a man who had made a commitment to another… Read more »
This should be titled “Men AND Women Are Only as Faithful as Their Opportunities”. I’ve seen it happen on both sides of the tracks. I often find myself being the ear that listens. There is never one exact thing that anyone can point to, its always a collaboration of problems. But, people can always justify extra-marital affairs if they give themselves enough time and find enough problems with their partners efforts (really, lack there of) in keeping the intimacy they desire. I do agree that we all crave intimacy. Intimacy develops into love, and if you lose the intimacy, often,… Read more »
Ken, Thank you for such a well-written, thoughtful article. I have always believed that there are a multitude of “loving, committed and strong men” on our planet. Somehow, it’s the Bad Boys (and I do mean “Boys”) who get all of the attention. I commend real men everywhere who think and behave like you. The richest man is the world is one who has the love, trust and respect of his family and friends. None of us are perfect, but if you are a man (or a woman) who practices “serial cheating”, then you need to avoid monogamous relationships at… Read more »
Well written – this idea that men can’t control their sexdrive and will jump on anything given half a chance get old pretty fast. And while it might looks like men (and women) are having affairs all over the place, lots of men (and women) are happy in their stable, longterm relationship and aren’t looking for anything else. But, you know – no need to slam those who don’t share your preferences. There *are* men (and women) who prefer being single and are happy that way. That’s OK – it does not invalidate your point. There are also those who… Read more »
Well said, Ken. You SHOULD cringe when you hear this sort of misandric nonsense.
Or better yet, you should speak out as you’ve done here.
“I don’t know any man who wouldn’t prefer to be in a loving, satisfying relationship, and that includes the men I know who cheat on their wives. Most married men appreciate the value of shared intimacy, and lying and cheating just don’t figure into that. Being a faithful partner has absolutely nothing to do with opportunity. It’s all about character, integrity, hard work–and acting like a man.” I agree with the last paragraph. Men and women both have this problem. If marriage gets difficult, they easily thrown in the towel and move on to someone else, sometimes befor the ink… Read more »
I am convinced that if both partners enter into the marriage,relationship with No Excess baggage from previous relationship(s), No Sex, get familiar with from the beginning their likes dislikes,secrets/confided in one another leaves a lot of room to shine brightly to form a healthy relationship. Another example, If both partners had been abused sexually, probably experienced some abandonment, One decides to get healthy and work through the ashes, the other sees the changes, leaves so much freedom. I lose myself from the let down of knowing that they’ve slept with somebody else. Kept it Real and said,” I know the… Read more »
Ken- Thank you for this graceful definition of a healthy relationship. I’ve grown up battered and dragged across the rocks, always looking for those directions on how to be a man, the lost maps and signs that could lead me to an understanding. I had to figure it out on my own and have been wading through the wreckage for decades. Things are better just now. I suppose that coming across this article of yours clearly shows that I’m at least ready to read such simple wisdom. Thank you.