Reconnecting with an old friend reminds Thomas Fiffer of his own struggle to regain self-respect.
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I met a friend recently for coffee.
A boy I had known many years ago in grade school who is now, like me, a grown man with years of experience behind him.
A man, like me, who is light years ahead of where he was just a few years ago.
And still traveling.
We talked about relationships—as we resumed ours in person after reconnecting through Facebook and email.
We shared where we are in the struggle to find the happy balance, the dynamic in which expression of our individuality and devotion to another person harmonize instead of playing out as conflicting strains.
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We examined what we bring to partners by virtue of our childhoods, behaviors that unconsciously direct and, if we are not careful, threaten to define us, to box us in to unhealthy destructive patterns, and limit us to an ultimately unfulfilling life.
We shared where we are in the struggle to find the happy balance, the dynamic in which expression of our individuality and devotion to another person harmonize instead of playing out as conflicting strains.
Much of it hinges on the other person, but much of it also hinges on ourselves and the critical work of achieving self-awareness.
♦◊♦
I floated a feeling—that I would like someone to take care of me.
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I floated a feeling that surfaces in me: that at the end of the day, after all I take care of for others—the work, the providing, the procuring, the parenting, and all I do for myself, including honoring my call of courageous self-expression—the feeling that I would like someone to take care of me. And the deeper feeling, the sense of walking steadily and carefully along the tightrope, wondering who will catch me if I fall, and knowing I can’t fall … because I can’t answer that question.
My friend was taken aback, taken to a place inside himself he has reluctantly but purposefully determined to explore.
He told me he never thought he deserved someone to catch him, that having someone in his life who would do that had, essentially, never occurred to him.
♦◊♦
As men we are generally raised to be self-reliant, frequently modeled the false mastery of emotion, and often trained not to tame the lioness but to gracefully accept her mauling as part of the bargain and lick our wounds alone.
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As men we are generally raised to be self-reliant, frequently modeled the false mastery of emotion, and often trained not to tame the lioness but to gracefully accept her mauling as part of the bargain and lick our wounds alone. We’re also taught that accommodation and compromise are not manly, and so we tend to split around the conundrum—hating ourselves for being nice and caving, resenting our partners for even legitimate demands, and living a teeth-gritting, forced-smile pretense of a life in which everything is made to appear OK.
But it was more than this with my friend, who has evolved well beyond the stereotype I’ve described.
It went to the core of his own opinion of himself, his measure of his self-worth, his sense of what, as a good man, a mensch, he is entitled to and deserves.
And so I feel compelled to say this, to offer this reminder:
The value is there, even when we are not valued.
The worth is there, even when we feel unworthy.
The problem is not a lack of something inside ourselves. It is how we see what is already there.
The defect is one of vision, not character.
Look more closely, and you’ll see that you, too, deserve the safety net of love.
Previously published as “The Safety Net of Love” on the Tom Aplomb blog.
Photo—Grey World/Flickr
Married to someone who always wants to be in control of everything. Everyone would like to think that their partner “has their back” so to speak. Using unique qualities to have some balance, where one is weak the other is strong. This is how I thought a relationship (should) work. But with someone who controls it all you may want to be the one to catch them if they fall, but these men WONT let us in! They may complain that you aren’t there for them but never give you the opportunity to make it happen. The other part of… Read more »
Thomas – this was simply a beautifully written, deep piece that is very moving. Thank you for sharing such a part of yourself and the commonality of other men’s experiences and feelings as well.
We need more articles like this that communicate the depth of experience and feeling you so wonderfully articulated here with some pretty complex feelings.
‘ you CANNOT give to others what you do not have within’
As with women, so it is with men. You can give to others what you do not have within. Men’s strength and endurance has been taken for granted just as women’s nurturing and empathic nature. When we stop hacking off that part of ourselves that our culture seems inappropriate we will be able to support each other more fully as whole human beings. Nothing good or beautiful comes of self contempt or contempt for others. Let’s learn to love and appreciate ALL of what both men and women are capable of being.
Thomas, thank you for this. I am so moved by the way you’ve expressed what so many men deal with. I’m bummed that there are so few shares, likes and tweets. I’ll do my part to get this out there. Women need to get what men are experiencing.
Karen Jones, author of Men are Great
Have you read Men On Strike by Helen Smith? It touches on a lot of these issues.
Well, back in the day, it used to be your male relatives that would be your support structure. Uncles, brothers, cousins, other family who are male and understand what you’re going through – they’re the ones who pick you up if you fall, who back you up, who take care of you where your wife can’t. The American family structure has deviated so far from that now that it’s no wonder a household head might feel like this. (Also, at the risk of sounding a tiny bit snarky, heavy lies the head that wears the crown. Being the one who… Read more »
Thomas, you have touched upon the core of masculine anger and violence in this article. We men learn from the cradle that there is no one to catch us and we are alone in establishing our worth and status in the world. We have become symbols rather than physical beings. I wonder at women who complain about being seen as sex objects. At least they are appreciated for having physical forms. Men are power symbols – force and economics. Either we are “dangerous” or “successful”, whatever our society deems these to be. We are constantly ranked and judged by others… Read more »
I was completely with you until you made it into a comparison game with women where female objectification is not something women should complain about. I am not going to spend too much time on this because it’s not the purpose of the article. I will only say that no, women are not appreciated for having “physical forms”. Women are appreciated for fitting into an impossible idea of “physical form” thats’ been crafted by the society we live in and dominated by a heterosexual male normative fantasy.
I was completely with you until you made it into a comparison game with women where female objectification is not something women should complain about or is somehow less then what men experience. I am not going to spend too much time on this because it’s not the purpose of the article. I will only say that no, women are not appreciated for having “physical forms”. Women are appreciated for fitting into an impossible idea of “physical form” thats’ been crafted by the society we live in dominated by a heterosexual male normative ideal of what men want women to… Read more »