Jasmine Peterson is angry that it took her 27 years to learn about polyamory.
I am going to be candid. I, at the age of 27, only recently discovered myself to be polyamorous. I think I’ve been approaching this realization for a couple of years, but it suddenly leapt out to me with a clarity I’d not had before, just about a month ago. And what a relief it was to name that thing that was there all along.
Of course, the relief was short lived because the conversations that ensued, particularly those with my monogamous, long term partner, were difficult, and sometimes heated, volatile even. I don’t blame him for his initial reaction—his anger, sadness, bewilderment, uncertainty. I can see how it might be unsettling to discover that you’re in a relationship with a polyamorous woman six years into your relationship; likewise, it’s difficult to discover yourself to be polyamorous six years into a monogamous, committed relationship.
And you know—I’m kind of angry. I’m angry that we live in a culture that dictates monogamy as the only viable relational style; which repeatedly, demonstrably, and volubly dismisses all other relationship styles as illegitimate, wrong, and harmful. I hadn’t even a word with which to label my inclinations until a few years into my university career (which also happened to be a few years into my committed relationship), so how could I possibly know or name it for myself?
So I’m angry. I’m also happy that I’ve had this epiphany and realized why my relationships always went so awry, and why I found it impossible to remain in a relationship with just one other person. In fact, my current relationship is the only one that comes to mind in which I didn’t ‘step out’. I once, when I was much younger, dated two men at once (it wasn’t a polyamorous relationship, as only one of my partners knew of the other). Aside from having to be secretive with one of my partners, I really enjoyed dating two men at once and was content with this situation. It suited me. How did I not know sooner? (Again, not having had the language for it, being steeped in cultural discourse that suggests that anything outside of monogamy is egregiously wrong, it’s little wonder it took me so long to make this discovery about myself).
We are inevitably shaped by our culture, and through culture we are given the language to describe our world and construct our knowledge of it. Growing up there were discussions about homosexuality. I had a knowledge of and language for transgenderism. Bisexuality was discussed in sexual education classes. There is even an acronym that brings attention to the issues people who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer. And I certainly don’t want to undermine these minority groups or their experiences; they are still subjected to vitriol, violence, hatred, and human rights violations. We still live in a heteronormative culture that views the LGBT community as disparate. But even still, these were orientations and identities that were on my radar, I had a language for them, I could empathize with them, and advocate for their rights.
Polyamory, however, was not something I’d heard spoken of. The idea that a person can love only one intimate partner—that a person must relate to, be faithful to, and love only one person at a time—is ingrained into most of us from the time we’re toddlers. Monogamy is generally considered the only acceptable relationship style. Infidelity ends up being big news (especially when a political figurehead is involved—like talk of impeaching a president for his infidelity, while us Canadians are stuck with a Prime Minister who was the leader of the first ever federal government to be held in contempt of Parliament. Because sex outside of marriage is clearly far more contemptible than an undemocratic process), while the predominant sentiment is criticism of the philanderer, people don’t really seem to want to question culturally imposed monogamy. They hold dear sayings like: “If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.” In fact, someone quoted this saying just the other day and I wanted to scream “NO, it doesn’t mean that at all. It doesn’t mean you didn’t love the first person. Maybe it means that you’re polyamorous. Maybe it means that you have the capacity to love more than just one human being at a time. Maybe it means that love is expansive. Maybe it means that monogamy isn’t for everyone.”
Like I said—I’m angry. But I also feel liberated to be able to finally identify myself as polyamorous, to finally understand and acknowledge that aspect of myself. I wish I’d had this knowledge before falling in love with a die-hard monogamist. Not that I wouldn’t have embarked on a relationship with him regardless, but I now have to quell that desire and sometimes it’s a struggle. The discourses of loving relationships available to me at the time we began dating were limited, which in turn limited my ability to be honest with myself or with him about my relational proclivities. So forgive me if I’m feeling resentful of a culture that allowed me, even encouraged me, to deny a part of who I am for 27 years of my life.
I don’t often divulge such intimate details about myself for all the internet to read, but I think it is important to set a discourse in motion that recognizes polyamory as a legitimate relational style, and that allows people to begin thinking differently about the variety of ways in which people can relate. I see these conversations happening already, but there needs to be more visibility; we need to get to a place where there is a common language for people to draw on so that monogamy isn’t considered the only viable option and people can explore their relational styles more honestly. Research has cited infidelity as a major reason for divorce among married couples, which makes me wonder if it is the monogamy that is imposed upon us that is part of the problem, which leads people to seek additional relationships in secrecy because of fear of judgment.
Not everyone is made for monogamy (and that’s not to say that there is anything wrong with those for whom monogamy works; it’s certainly one way to relate), so providing a culturally acknowledged language on which people can draw that includes styles in addition to monogamy has the potential to allow people to more honestly relate to others, rather than being forced into monogamy and ending up unfaithful. Of course, it is important not to conflate polyamory with infidelit—polyamory is a very open and honest means of relating in which all partners must be consenting, their feelings considered, and their desires and/or discomfort acknowledged. And I wish I’d had this discourse available to me sooner.
Just like the gender binary, the binary for romantic relationships (monogamy = good, anything else = bad) is harmful and inhibiting. Let’s open our minds and our hearts and recognize (healthy consenting) love for what it is, in all of its shapes and forms.
About Jasmine Peterson
Thank you for posting this! It seems like, for many, polyamory *is* a relationship orientation that is ingrained – as much as sexual orientation. Have you experienced much push-back from people who feel its more of a lifestyle choice?
That is absolutely how it feels for me – that this is just inherently part of who I am. Interestingly, I’ve been in a monogamous relationship as I’ve discovered this about myself, so even though I’ve not had the opportunity to explore polyamory since coming to this realization, it’s still how I identify (which perhaps illustrates the complexity of orientations and self-identifying).
The really interesting thing about this situation is that I came out to the internet world before telling any of my family. And even still, those who’ve not read this piece, are probably still in the dark about my identifying as polyamorous. So the only feedback I’ve received, really, has been from strangers, a few friends, and from my long-term partner. With strangers, it’s been a mix. There are those who recognize that polyamory isn’t some excuse to be as promiscuous as possible, but there are also those who suggest that there is no way this is inherent, but rather something one chooses to be. It’s been interesting to see the reactions, some of them negative, but mostly I feel the response has been positive. Probably the most negative response I received was from my partner (which is really ironic, given what followed… something I’m in the process of writing about… So stay tuned for that).
Everyone seems to forget that polyamory always existed… For men. That is, for generations, probably for millenia, married men were allowed to sleep around with other women if they had the opportunity, and even in times when it was frowned on, everyone pretty much looked the other way. Men commonly had mistresses or visited prostitutes. Women were the ones forced to be monogamous, at risk of severe sanctions, even death. The point of marriage was for a man to economically support a woman and children. As long as he did that, he could have other women on the side. Women did not have that luxury. Her job was to be a baby machine, dutifully producing children fathered by her husband.
What’s changed now is that women can support themselves and we have birth control options so we don’t need a man to support us while we pump out 10-12 children, like our great grandmothers did. So it’s not surprising that some women now feel that they should have the same opportunities for relationships with a variety of partners as men always have had in the past.
Your description of “polyamory” that’s always existed for men just sounds like cheating – not polyamory. “Sleeping around” is not the defining characteristic of polyamory, whether it’s a man or a woman doing it. It’s about having more than one intimate relationship at a time, which often includes sex, but going to a prostitute or getting laid on the side behind a partner’s back doesn’t count.
Granted, that’s true, although from what i understand, there is a continuum from swinging (casual relationships) to open marriages to true polyamory (committed relationships) with some polyamoroys couples also engaging in casual encounters sometimes, and swingers developing long term relationships sometimes. In the past, men might have long term mistresses, “kept women” or even favorite prostitutes they saw regularly.
Yes, and women might have cheated too. What’s the point? The people engaged in ethical non-monogamy now are focused on the open communication and mutual expectations of how this will work for them.
All I’m saying us that women are just doing what men have always done – having multiple sexual relationships.
But the way you’re saying it sure sounds like men have been cheating forever, so now women are too, and you seem to be calling *that* polyamory, which is not remotely what it means to people engaged in ethical non-monogamy, as Julie says.
Yes, the imputation against males as having the monopoly on polyamory doesn’t really jive with me. PEOPLE have been unfaithful across time and place. Not just men. It may have been more acceptable and open for males, but it doesn’t mean it was males who were the only ones who had multiple relations.
Also, I don’t really like the implication that women are becoming more comfortable identifying as polyamorous because men have always been cheaters (paraphrasing, and probably poorly). That’s not it. There have been cultures in which women have traditionally taken on multiple husbands, if we really want to explore cultural and historical contexts. I think it would be more accurate to say that many people are discovering that polyamory describes their inclinations – males and females – in spite of the monogamous hegemony we’re subjected to.
This was not well-articulated. Polyamory and infidelity are not equivalent.
I feel like I may be polyamorous as well. I’m married and a father and would never want to end my marriage to pursue life as a single man for base sexual gratification. But that’s not what I feel when I think that I may be polyamorous. I don’t think it has much at all to do with simple sexual pleasure because I have plenty of simple sexual pleasure with my wife. I do, however, feel that I have desires to flirt, to be romantic with other women, to have sex with other women and engage in a loving relationship concurrently. I do not feel this cheapens or invalidates the love I have for my wife. This has been something that I have realized recently, in my early 30′s, as I evaluate the future and how I can find fulfillment in life. I truly believe I would be happiest if I were able to have romantic love with 2 or 3 women at the same time, care for my children in my home with my wife, and be able to enjoy the feeling of having another woman or two that I can express my love, my sexuality, my vulnerabilities.
I make this confession here probably for the first time anywhere because I too do not believe this would be understood or accepted by my family and friends. I know my wife would be devastated, at least, I’m pretty sure she would be. I’m somewhat saddened by this though, because I don’t feel I can tell her and I know I will never be able to explore this lifestyle and still keep my family intact.
Jon,
if your wife came to you and had a similar desire (to be with additional men) and it meant you could explore polyamory for you as well, would you be ok with the mutualness of the situation?
I honestly do feel that I could find my comfort level with that should she have the same feelings. As with anything like this within a marriage it takes honesty and consent so I believe we would have to set ground rules of course, but yes, I do think we could work out an arrangement and be comfortable with it.
I would not be interested in having children with other women and would probably only be attracted to a woman who either already has children or does not want them. I would probably be more focused on older women, same age as my wife and me, 30′s or older as I don’t think I would be as comfortable with a younger woman. It’s all speculation and fantasy as I think about it now, but I guess I’m trying to understand how I feel about this myself anyway.
Please feel free to email me at julie@goodmenproject.com if you want resources. Best of luck.
Julie,
Thanks for the offer, I think I may take you up on it. It’s funny how I’ve spent time on women’s blogs, reading women’s articles and looking for an outlet to connect with a woman who can offer insight and advice, but I find one on a men’s site! Irony.
What if those other women also want kids? Could you handle 3 families?
Jon, I really appreciate you sharing your own self-discovery. I know exactly how daunting that can be (even with the anonymity of the internet). What you’ve expressed feeling is very similar to how I feel. Polyamory isn’t necessarily about sex. I can see myself having additional romantic relationships that are completely asexual in nature, or ones that are also sexual. But really, it’s the idea of the connections, intimately knowing others, having more than one romantic partner (because different people bring different things forth to a relationship).
I would never presume to offer advice, but I will say that for me I knew I had to be honest with my partner. I also knew that he wouldn’t take it well (and he sure didn’t). We’re in a very messy place right now (entirely unrelated to my own self-discovery) but I think that what I discovered was that even though he was hurt, disgusted even, by what I was telling him we loved each other enough that we could traverse it together. It meant having open and honest dialogue. It meant explaining that even though I identify as polyamorous, I was still willing and able to maintain our monogamous commitment because I knew that that was what he needed out of the relationship (but keeping the conversation open so that if any point his feelings changed, we could explore that at that point). And the consequent dissolution (but potential reconciliation) of our relationship had nothing to do with my ‘coming out’ to him. Of course, I don’t know if that could work for you and your wife, but I do know it was a huge relief for me to finally name that thing that was there, to finally speak it.
I have to say, although I’m open minded about what orher people do, if my boyfriend told me he wanted to try an open relationship or polyamory, I would probably tell goodbye and god bless. If my husband told me, I’d want to have a serious discussion about divorce. I think for myself, I don’t have a great urge for sexual relationships with more than one man, but if my bf/husband was sleeping with other women, I wouldn’t want to sit at hine feeling like a chump. As a 45 year old woman, I don’t think finding a bunch of new relationships would be that easy. I’ve always thought that polyamory sounds great for attractive young women who will be able to bask in all the attention, but I wonder how they will feel when they get older and they no longer have value in the community. But I’m not in the community so I don’t know how it works.
I’m glad you point out the distinction that polyamory is not always about sex. Because I feel something is lacking in my life, an intimate relationship with a female who is not my wife. This is not a sexual drive, it is a desire for me to have intimacy, discussion, sharing and seeking advice from a woman with whom I trust and in a way, love. Other than my mother, the wives of my friends and my female relatives, I have no woman in my life who I can call a friend. I don’t feel comfortable talking about my relationship or sexuality with my male friends because often that wall of machismo kind of shuts me down, walls me off from true honesty, and the end result is unsatisfactory. It’s not the kind of intimacy I’m looking for. And I have a very healthy, open and honest relationship with my wife and we are very intimate, I have my needs met overwhelmingly most of the time. But there are those times when I want something else, someone else’s input, feedback, opinions, advice. I struggle with this and even in reading my post as I go back, I see how someone could consider my feelings as being selfish or greedy. I have a great marriage and wife who loves me and shares openly, why should I want more? I don’t know why, I just know that I feel like I do.
That sounds very similar to how I envision polyamory. I can’t say that I would never want to have a sexual relationship with another man, but I yearn for that additional connection. I think that a lot of people consider polyamory selfish, but I don’t view it thus. I’ve even been called ‘greedy’ for my desire to have more than one partner. But I think there is something wonderful about finding intimacy with another (or multiple other) human beings. And given that relationships are often a lot of hard work, a lot of compromise, I feel as though polyamory is anything but selfish!
I can understand how it could be hard to talk to your male friends about these things. Interestingly, I often wish I had more male friends who I could speak to about such things, so I could get a male perspective (particularly when I’d told my partner and he reacted so poorly). I try to be empathetic and to understand, but sometimes I just wish I had a guy to give me insight!
I think in some ways we can be more open to the opposite sex specifically when discussing sex or our sexual orientation. I would be much less likely to feel judged and misunderstood by a woman. Don’t know why, just kind of a gut feeling.
I’m sure I would have the ear of a male friend or two and that they would not actually judge me. But I fear that kind of emotional vulnerability being exposed to a man. And more specifically with sex, the only people who have sex with straight men are women, so I think a woman would have more insight to offer based on her own experience having intimate relationships with straight men. I don’t need a male perspective about this because I’m not dealing with trying to navigate a sensitive emotional issue with a man, I am trying to with a woman.
I very much enjoyed the conversation here and I will look out for more material from you in the future.
I’m pretty shocked at all the comment backlash this article is getting. In no way does Jasmine want to force anyone to do anything, she just wants to do what she feels is right for her. If she can’t find anyone who wants to be polyamrous with her (this won’t happen, trust me), then maybe she will have to rethink how she wants to live her life. But if she finds guys willing to try this with her, how can we possibly object.
Jasmine, I hope all these comments haven’t made you rethink at all. I’m not a polyamorous guy myself but I fully support someone who follows their heart even if it bucks tradition.
Thanks so much, Maxamillian. Those words, even though from a stranger, mean a great deal to me. I have been really struggling with what this means for me. Only slightly related to my self-discovery, my life sort of recently imploded in a big way. Sorting through it now, so words of support really help me to remember that I need to recognize my own needs in life. I certainly don’t want to push polyamory on anyone, because I understand that it isn’t for everyone. And I’ve done monogamy, so I respect that that works for many people. I’m just trying to traverse what it means for me, and sometimes the sentiment I receive has been pretty volatile. So it’s really nice to have people say something positive and supportive.
Np. I found your article really interesting, and if I was your friend and you expressed this to me I’d find it really interesting. There’s not a lot of people who are brave enough to truly follow what they feel and even post it in a public forum. Frankly, I find it impressive.
Did you life “imploding” have anything to do with your realization? Or was it something unrelated?
From a comment you made above I feel like your boyfriend may have cheated on you? Now I’m really intrigued, can you give me the juicy details?
I’m a pretty open person, but ‘talking’ publicly about something considered so taboo was pretty terrifying. Fortunately, I’ve got some wonderful friends who were really supportive. And there have been some wonderful strangers who’ve made it much easier, as well!
Stay tuned for the story of the implosion of my life. I did submit a piece just this evening that explores what happened. It was marginally (although not really) related to my realization. I really vacillated on whether or not to submit it or not, but do hope that it also offers some insight into monogamy/polyamory.
Excited to read
)
In case you didn’t catch it, Maxamillian, here was my followup piece:
http://goodmenproject.com/sex-relationships/mandatory-monogamy-doesnt-work-either/
I ask this out of curiosity, not in any way to discount your experience or invalidate your self-definition or anything like that. I’m mostly just curious about where you see the boundaries between polyamory and other orientations.
If you started in a monogamous relationship and came to realize you are polyamorous, but have not yet been in a polyamorous relationship, then how do you know you are polyamorous? (Again, I’m not challenging you at all, just wondering about what you see as the “evidence,” for lack of a better word.) I can imagine other people in a similar situation being in a monogamous relationship and being attracted to other people but not seeing that as having a polyamorous orientation. Is it the strong desire to have romantic relationships with someone in addition to your current partner that shows you that you’re polyamorous?
I guess my question is, how do you know you are? Was there a particular thing that crystallized the whole realization?
There are people who are in the category of “monogamous and still attracted to other people,” which would be a lot of monogamous people. How is being polyamorous different? Is it a question of degree, or is it a fundamental difference, in your view?
wellokaythen, that’s actually a reasonable question, and one I’ve gotten quite a lot. I did touch on it a little in the article, that I have been in a relationship with more than one person at a time. It was not polyamorous because only one of my partners knew of the other. Aside from the secrecy of it, I loved everything else about that experience. I hated, though, having to be secretive. So that was really the beginning of my inclinations, although I never really began to think about them. While that wasn’t pure polyamory (you know, lack of consent, lack of honesty and open communication), it was certainly an experience. But also, I think if you look within yourself long enough, you just know. Does a homosexual person have to have homosexual sex to realize they’re homosexual? In fact, does a heterosexual person need to have heterosexual sex to realize they’re heterosexual? Polyamory just fits for me. It was just a matter of putting a name to it.
I think there is a continuum for just about everything, and orientations in particular. For me, it’s not even attraction, really that made me feel compelled to self-identify as polyamorous. It was after some serious, deep reflection (I’ve spent the past eight months doing a lot of self-exploration and self-reflection). I consider myself polyamorous because I have more than passing attractions for people, and I have more than transient lust for other people. What I have is the desire to connect with other people on that same intimate, romantic level. It doesn’t even necessarily mean sex. I desire the romantic companionship of more than one man, for the simple reason that different people have different things to offer, and can fulfill your life in different ways. And I love(d) my partner tremendously, more than I’ve loved any man in my life, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have room to love other people in different ways. So that is different from monogamy in that a monogamous person probably wouldn’t be carrying on multiple romantic relationships at once. Or desiring multiple romantic relationships at one time.
I’m in a polyamorous relationship, and I do agree that if the option was more openly talked about and discussed, there would be a lot fewer unhappy monogamous relationships and a lot more happy polyamorous ones!
But I don’t really like your description of polyamory OR monogamy as an innate orientation rather than a lifestyle choice. You say that you consider yourself polyamorous because you “have more than passing attractions for people, and I have more than transient lust for other people”. That isn’t what makes you polyamorous – that just makes you human! What makes someone polyamorous is simply that they want to be in a relationship where those desires are open for exploration. We’re just not that different.
No one is incapable of monogamy, it’s just that if it doesn’t have value to you, why make the effort?
This.
I have had a variety of monogamous and polyamourous relationships. There are aspects of each I enjoy. What kind of relationship I enter depends on the dynamic between myself and my partner and what we’re comfortable with. We’ve also been known to change our minds back and forth within the relationship if we felt like an ‘open’ or ‘closed’ period would be best for us at the time.
I think that’s wonderful – the doing what feels right in the moment. I’m wondering, though, do you consider yourself polyamorous, in general? And if so, do you consider yourself polyamorous, even when you choose to be in a monogamous relationship? I’m merely curious, because I think how people self-identify is intriguing.
I don’t think I’m polyamorous in general so much as I’m just confused. I swing back and forth; I couldn’t choose a side definitively. So I guess you could say I don’t self-identify as far as this goes. I just roll with whatever satisfies my needs at the time.
Thanks for such a thoughtful answer. I think I see the difference now.
Interesting point about choice. However, for me I don’t feel that I choose to be polyamorous. It’s just something that’s there, and it’s something that’s always been there. It’s an inclination, one that I can recognize in retrospect as far back as I can remember. I would be the first to argue that people aren’t incapable of monogamy (given that I am polyamorous, but in a monogamous relationship). And for me, that’s where choice comes in. Although it’s my inclination to be in a polyamorous relationship, I choose to remain in a monogamous one.
Also, the part of the sentence you took from my comment is certainly not what makes me polyamorous. I was responding to the comment that monogamous people can be attracted to others, and talking about how for me, it’s really not about being attracted to other people (at least not in the physical sense).
Although it’s possible to love more than one person at the same time, for most poly people, it’s not about true love, it’s about intellect. It’s a game. It’s for white, educated, middle-class, heterosexual people who convince themselves it’s *necessary* to be in love with two or more people but in actual fact they’re in love with *one* person and want to fuck others without cheating. Which is fine but if it’s about sex, don’t lie to yourselves. And don’t claim it’s something it isn’t. Oh, and don’t evangelate. Its very unbecoming.
I can only assume that you do not identify as polyamorous. It is *not* all about the sex. It is about intimate connections (and those don’t always involve sex). That’s like saying that to have more than one close friend is greedy, and that really, you can’t have more than one really close friend, so all the others are just fillers. That’s not only a dismal view of life, but it is absolutely 100% inaccurate in explaining what polyamory is or means to me (or any of the other polyamorous persons I know).
I have been in love with more than one person at a time. Love is expansive.
I discovered that I am polyamourous. But this title is still not acceptable in a predominantly monogamous world. Just like weed legalization, I suppose i’ll have to wait!
You know, I was afraid, given that I’ve recently started dating, that it would be difficult and that men would really be dissuaded by my status as polyamorous. However, my experiences haven’t been so bad. I’ve had some interesting conversations, and a lot of men don’t consider me a viable dating option (because they’re monogamous), but there was even one individual who decided he was interested in trying polyamory. There are people out there who are open to the idea, or who are poly friendly.
I realy identified with your anger. Learning something that big about yourself when your 27 is a surprise. I was 33 and not only in a long term relationship, we have been married for 7 years. I remember being beside myself for weeks with the question “How could I have missed this?” I agree, no examples and no vocabulary surounded in our culture as it is. I was wondering what made you realize? For me I fell in love with a longtime friend and eventualy reconized it as the same kind of long term building blocks I share with my wife.
I actually had moved away from home, started graduate school, and just spent a lot of time being really introspective and self-reflective this past year. I went to a live show one night by myself, and met a guy that I really hit it off with. We exchanged phone numbers, even though I made it clear that I was in a relationship and wasn’t looking for anything more than maybe having a friend in this place where I knew nobody, and had nobody. We talked, but it was clear he was interested in more than what I was willing to offer at the time so our communications dwindled. However, it made me think a lot. He was smart, funny, and attractive and I was really disappointed that we couldn’t pursue something more. But I also knew that I loved my then partner and didn’t want to leave him. So I spent a lot of time thinking about what this meant, and how I could feel this way. At first, I felt a little guilty, like I’d somehow done something wrong by developing feelings for another human being while in a relationship. And it wasn’t the first time I’d had feelings for someone that I wasn’t able to act upon. I’d spent a week in Mexico for my brother’s wedding and been re-acquainted with someone I hadn’t seen in years; we clearly had chemistry (everyone jokingly called us ‘the lovebirds’ all week), but I didn’t act upon it because I was committed to my relationship at the time.
I had spent a lot of time reading about and advocating for all relational choices – including polyamory – so I was familiar with it. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that that was exactly my inclinations. I thought way back even to when I first started dating, and it was just something that was always there. I always felt limited by being connected to just one person; like there was more to life than committing to just one man when I had connections with others. I can do monogamy, but I identify as polyamorous because I don’t think there is any one person on this planet who is simply the ‘right’ person for me.
Interestingly, I thought that this would be limiting in my dating experiences, but instead I’ve found that most men are intrigued by this, and willing to explore polyamory. I hope things worked out well for you and your wife after your self-discovery!
Yes, my wife was quicker than me to accept it. She sais I am exactly the same guy, I am only aware of it now. The last time exclusivity was challenged for me was in grade school. Even then it made no sense to me that only one was allowed. Two girls expressed interest in me and my outlook was that I liked them both. That didin’t fly with either of the girls so my grade four solution was that you must have to deal with this sort of thing chronologicaly. Other wise everyone would be with first person they met. Right!? That one didin’t work out so well in hind sight. I have had a least four other friendships that would be similar to your Mexico and I just didn’t clue in. One of those actually tried to confront me about it but I was so cluless at the time I thought she was just having a bad day. ( She was the first person I told when I did figure it out. I half expected a “Took you long enough!” but she didin’t. Everyone of those 4 friendships are still very close and only a friendship. For now I have no extras but the one that made me realize is still on the fence. Who knows…. Its been a lot just comming to terms with all that. I was the poster child for monogamy. Its very ingrained in the rest of my life. My protest to that is simply that every other aspect of my life was argued and chosen by me for its pros and cons. Why didin’t I challenge this back in grade 4!!
to me its just a label for something thats always existed…sounds to me like most people would call an “open” relationship…..labels are overrated….i agree with Jasmine that cheating is not even close to the same thing…..as long as all parties involved are aware and accept the relationship it is no one else’s business……how can you even compare the two terms…. the ignorance and shortsightedness that most ppl in general is the reason for any type of relationship other than monogamy to be dismissed and shamed…..i am glad you found who you are and are happy…..isn’t that what ultimately everyone wants? simply to be happy? i say that there are a lot of ppl out there that feel the way you do, but are to afraid to say it so they stay in a monag relationship and miserable…hmmmmm wonder why the divorce rate is so high????? More people need to open their minds to all kinds of people…..accept that we are all different for a reason….God does not make mistakes…..embrace who you are and be proud. In addition I myself am comfortable and prefer monogamy, but that is me…..I accept there are many other types of relationships that work for others…..and I admire them for being who they are and not conforming simply because public views it as wrong…..I admire them….they should be applauded ….
oh one more thing….it is absolutely possible to love more than one person at a time. if someone disagrees, in my opinion, they just haven’t had that true experience yet….regardless of lifestyle/relationship preference it is absolutely possible.
Maggie, you sound like anybody on one end of a spectrum talking to somebody on the opposite end. Like a gay man telling a straight man, “You just haven’t found the right man yet,” or a straight man telling a gay man he hasn’t found the right woman. Both are equally absurd.
I’m polyamorous. For a long time I believed that everyone was naturally at least somewhat poly; we were just culturally repressed. There was hope! But I have met people for whom monogamy was not a choice. It was really truly the way they were. Introduction of a new love, in the name of enlightenment and healing, resulted in confusion, distress, and the dissolution of one relationship or the other (usually the pre-existing one) to settle back into comfortable monogamy.
Trying to get me to be monogamous is a bad idea. Even when I only have one romantic partner, I’m still polyamorous. Anything else engenders resentment, and resentment is the assassin of intimacy.
For me to try to get a monogamous person to be polyamorous, no matter how well-intentioned, is the same kind of hubris, and meets with the same destructive results.
Please don’t feel that you have to invalidate someone else’s orientation in order to validate your own.
Thank you so much, Maggie! It is nice to get kind, supportive words.
It’s been an interesting journey from the time I discovered it and labeled it up to the point where I’m at now. Reactions have been mixed, and it hasn’t been the easiest of journeys, but I love who I am and I have found that most people are pretty accepting and non-judgmental.
And you are right – anybody, regardless of their orientation or how they identify, can certainly love more than one person. My now ex (who is staunchly monogamous), encountered this very dilemma when he engaged in an illicit affair with his at the time boss. He ended up falling in love with her, but only revealed to me what had been going on afterward because he had gotten her pregnant… and even then, he had wanted to make reparations with me, but was confused because he’d developed strong feelings for her. It was rather ironic given the number of times he had told me it was impossible for a person to love more than one other individual romantically at a time.
Well, isn’t that the ironic twist! I think you can have a movie deal on this one.
My life felt very much like a soap opera for several months! I wrote a piece shortly after he revealed his infidelity to me, but GMP has yet to publish (or reject) it.
Don Draper anyone? haha i always think Don Draper character in Mad Men is not a jerk, hes actually a good man with kind heart. Hes just polyamorious and cannot settle with just one woman.
Let me give you a little seminar in anthropology. Like other species we are inherently programmed to propogate and continue the species. You will find no study ever done that concludes that the best family model is one based on polyamorary. Monogamy between one female mother and one male father biologically connected and committed to one another has proven through several milennia without exception to be the best model for raising children. Raising each succeding generation of children in a stable and responsible enviroment serves the interests of the species. Everything other model fails to serve propagation of the species as well. If you have no intent on having children and are successful in achieving that goal then I say do whatever the hell want, but once a child comes into the picture everything changes.
I’m pretty well through Saxon’s Sex at Dusk and I think it’s a good counterbalance to Ryan’s Sex at Dawn. One thing it demonstrates very vividly is that mothers’ parenting is instinctive, where fathers’ is partly conditioned by social norms at best. Men and women are genetically at odds, but monogamish is pretty much the best solution. I repeat Saxon in saying “monogamish” because plenty of people do break monogamy (or polygyny – pertains to much of the world) norms. (More societies allow for multiple wives than don’t.) This includes many women of course. The way Saxon puts it, women are expected to be “whores,” but if they’re “sluts,” other women at least get pissed. Not that many don’t get sluttish from time to time. But there’s no genetic teleology (in men anyway) encouraging monogamy for purposes of family continuance. Men make sets of their genes at about the rate of 2,400 per second, so their genetic tendency is to sow widely.
I think that Saxon flies off the handle in later chapters where she emphasizes that many peoples who have anything like multiple partners have systems where the women can’t enjoy sex– it’s too wham-bam. I find this very hard (no pun) to believe. We do find many remnants of older group-sex practices (carnival sex in Europe, for example.) One of my grad school professors (Joe Lopreato) for example talked about tribal meetings where hallucinogens were used to grease bad convocations for sex. If the bands were somewhat proximal and partly related, I partly believe this, I guess. I’m suspicious of Saxon’s (and some of the anthropologists she cites) sort of “no real fun and games” approach to sex. The female sex organs are just too much designed for pleasure for that.
By the way, as someone is somewhat poly by nature, I think the promiscuous use of the word “cheating” is akin to using “perversion” for gay-lovemaking.
Ew. Do us all a favour and crawl back under your rock.
I don’t know if that was intended for me, but it’s ignorant. Is it even mentioning the word “perversion” (which used to be used by professionals for gay lovemaking,) or is it the idea that the concept of cheating is problematized. And I don’t know who “us all” is. I’ve been coming here for a while, so maybe it’s me and some others; maybe it’s you and some others. Who knows?
One of the hidden problems with the current take on sexual freedon is that it is required to take place under the banner of heteronormative-like coupling, or else be subjected to endless discussion with acknowledged partners. Either of these is a false and irritating condition for some of us. We look out for the interests of partners to be sure, but not all of our behavior is necessarily an open book to all of them. Nor should it be.
My comment was for “courage the cowardly dog.”