The middle-aged man, David Figura writes, needs poker night and good friends as much as his wife needs her book club.
Who’s your best friend?
An appreciable number of married middle-aged men I’ve talked to the past few years on this topic responded quickly: “My wife” …and then struggled to come up with a male name when asked to name someone else.
Sometimes old college roommates or childhood friends were noted, but often those individuals lived far away and the relationship was characterized by sparse or infrequent contact or communication.
“Yeah, but when we get together, we pick up immediately where we left off—even if it’s after a couple of years of not seeing each other,” these guys said.
Many of these guys are fooling themselves. I know, because that’s what I used to say.
There have been a number of articles in the media pointing to the fact that many men today are suffering from depression and social loneliness. More alarming is that national mental health statistics show the suicide rate among men is highest in the 47-54 age group, according to this chart in Newsweek.
What’s going on?
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I’ve discovered in my own life, and through research for a book I recently completed, that a surprising number of guys my age just don’t get it when it comes to the importance of connecting and staying connected with male friends over the long run.
Meanwhile, many women in the 45- to 59-year-old age group do see the big picture as evidenced by the growing numbers of all-female book clubs, Thursday evenings out for drinks with the gals, daily walks or jogs with female buddies, and frequent girlfriend getaways. They see the need for companionship and balance outside of their marriage.
The business community, specifically the tourism sector, has latched on this trend. Doubt me? Sit down to your computer and Google “girlfriend getaways.” I gave me 1.2 million possibilities when I last tried.
One of the things I’ve observed with my wife, Laura, (and with many other married women), is that the “best friend” question often produces the name of another woman. They value their husbands and marriage, but they also carve out time for female buddies, often on a daily or weekly basis.
My wife has a solid group of friends with whom she plays indoor soccer and softball and communicates via email almost daily. Her friends often are a sounding board on child rearing, buying a car, and helping to decide where we go out to dinner, among other things. We have two trees in our front yard, thanks to a housewarming gift from her friends. She helps them; they help her.
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What about the guys?
“If everyone around me is happy, I’m happy,” seems to be the refrain.
Check the family calendar on your refrigerator. If you’re the way I used to be, all the kids’ activities and the wife’s book club and the next girlfriend getaway are written down—and there’s nothing for you.
Pay attention when middle-aged women talk about their husbands or boyfriends. Listen for comments such as: “He really needs a hobby” or “He could sure use some male bonding.” Sound familiar?
I talked to John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, about the importance of middle age guys getting and keeping their male friends close.
“When men are younger they often don’t feel the need for strong male friendships as their work and their dreams fuel their fulfillment,” he said. “Anyone who helps along the way is seen as a friend, but the dream is bigger.”
“Around 50, we look back more than look ahead,” he said. “Our dreams are now infused with 30 years of reality. Suddenly, the role of a friend becomes more significant.”
I began realizing all this when I turned 50. As a newspaper editor who worked at various papers across the country I had tons of acquaintances, but no real close friends. There was no one I could call up on a moment’s notice to go fishing, or to go out and have a beer or breakfast with to discuss a gnarly personal problem.
I found myself socially lonely, resentful of my wife’s outside activities.
One day I realized I needed to stop whining, feeling sorry for myself. I had to get off my butt and do something about it.
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A turning point was when I posted a note on my bathroom mirror that remains to this day. It reads: “It won’t happen unless I do it.”
I developed a game plan and started approaching guys at social gatherings like Christmas parties, or while we were watching our kids play sports. At times, it was frustrating—especially when I ran into guys who didn’t see the need.
“Play poker once a month with a group of guys? Why the heck would I ever do that?” responded one guy at a party.
“Get together once a week for a beer? Maybe we should all get together over your house and watch the movie, Brokeback Mountain,” said another, referring to the then-popular movie about two men who had a homosexual love affair tied to their annual camping get-aways.
I persevered. Within a couple of months, I formed a co-ed volleyball team. It played on the same night my wife was out with her girlfriends playing indoor soccer.
I put together a low-stakes poker club that began meeting monthly. We set the buy-in at $5. Initially, we were unprepared, borrowing a felt table and poker chips from my 17-year-old son’s friend for the first few games. We soon bought our own.
In addition, I started going on an annual camping/fishing fall weekend getaway in the Adirondack Mountains with my friend, Chris.
Finally, one of the guys I interviewed for my book was inspired to form a summer horseshoe league, which I joined. It currently meets weekly and retreats afterward to a local bar (we call it “the clubhouse”) for drinks. The group is called S.H.I.T. (Skaneateles Horseshoes International Team). We all have funny nicknames, and there’s a plaque that we bought on the bar’s wall listing the group’s annual champions.
All of these activities continue to this day.
At a recent party thrown by my wife’s employer, I was introduced to the wife of a new member of our horseshoe group. They recently moved to the community and she said her husband “absolutely loves” getting out on Thursday nights with the guys and is constantly talking and joking about it.
I’ve heard the same from several other wives of the guys in these activities. I’ve also been approached by several other women asking if their husbands can join.
Bottom line: these women want their mates to keep their smiles, their zest for life. They know that men who are happy with themselves make better husbands and better fathers.
If nothing else, it gives their men something to do while they’re getting out with their female friends.
—Photo sashafatcat/Flickr
I’ve also written a book that covers this topic and others about men. It’s entitled, “So What Are The Guys Doing?” It’s available in softcover, e-book and audiobook. For more, see my website at davidjfigura.com.
Nancy, since writing this column a year ago I’ve started a blog for middle age guys entitled, “Tales from the Middle Ages” Here’s the link: http://talesfromthemiddleages.wordpress.com/
I also have a Facebook page by the same name (I’d appreciate you checking it out and giving me a a “like”). Finally, I’m a weekly columnist on men’s issues on Amy Dickinson’s website: http://askamydaily.com.
Keep in touch… David
Jimmy, I’m no expert. I’m just going to say I know you feel. As a journalist, I moved five times because of jobs. Each time, I ended up in different communities, with my long-time friends from childhood and college miles and miles away. As I reached 50 I became bitter. There was really no one I could call up for a beer, or to go fishing or to help me, say build a deck or help work on my car. Bottom line, I concluded I had to stop whining and feeling sorry for myself. I came up with sentence, “It… Read more »
Enjoyed reading the article. I’m about to turn 40 and I have no real friends. Yeah, I have my college friends we keep in touch and see each other once a year. I have my wife’s friends’ husbands, who I call and we do stuff occasionally, but I don’t call them real friends. I am the one that ALWAYS calls. No one ever calls and invites me to anything. Is this normal? Am I being a 40 year old baby? Do I need to look for difference friends?
My group, David, fondly refers to itself as “Broke Back”. We get together once a month. We drink. We talk. We either grill something or order carry out. There are seven of us. All but one are married. Nearly half of us have crossed the “50 threshold”. We have come to lean on each other when bad stuff happens. We defend each other. We comfort each other. And we make fun of each other. Alot. These are guys who I can count on. And guys for whom I will be there when the chips are down. Thanks for your article.… Read more »
Who would’ve thought that our simple, unobtrusive creation would mean so much to a core group of guys? Dave has hit this right on the nose, and interestingly enough, there are guys in our group who haven’t yet reached the 50 milestone and appreciate our group for what it is. What is it? If you have to ask, you need to find your group! One comment, though – while I appreciate Dave’s journalistic integrity in seeking out other well-known authors for their comments and insight, when we get together, it’s usually ‘Men are from Mars, …….and…..men are from Mars.’
What an amazing, honest, and insightful article, David. Nice work!
My father is currently in his late 60s and I’m convinced that his evenings out with his group of male buddies who are all audiophile/hi-fi enthusiasts has helped him tremendously. They have been meeting regularly to listen to each other’s sound systems – if one of them gets a new fancy system or new fancy part for his system, it would be a big event for them! And they frequently go for a meal before or after their listening sessions. This group of men (including my dad) have been friends for the last 30 years and they continue to help… Read more »
David, Thanks for your article. I couldn’t agree more. I’ve got a group of guys that gets together once a month (in addition to our time on the golf course). We started out thinking of it as a discussion group. We would take turns bringing a topic to discuss and we would meet at my house and drink Scotch and solve the world’s problems. That format lasted a couple of years. Then we added a meal – so we got together and fired up the grill – and discussed topics and drank Scotch. Now we mostly just get together and… Read more »
What if your 50yr old boyfriend has nothing but friends half his age, seriously no friends older than 25. What is up with that
Well for starters- how about both of you still view him as a “boy”…
Boyfriend????