Thomas Fiffer shares a single, simple pitfall that happy people avoid.
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“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
—Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
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And I ain’t the Lord, no I’m just a fool
Learning loving somebody don’t make them love you
—Jack Johnson, Sitting, Wishing, Waiting
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A while back I wrote a Facebook status that I knew would turn into an article for The Good Men Project.
When we remain in an unhealthy relationship, we believe we are waiting for our partner to change. In truth, we are waiting for ourselves to change, a process that often takes longer than we expect.
It took me 15 years to figure this out—much longer than I expected—and another seven to connect it with happiness, and I believe this fundamental misconception is responsible for millions of unhappy relationships—both personal and professional—and perhaps billions of unhappy people. Yes, billions.
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So here’s the nut: Happy people don’t try to change other people or wait for them to change. They work only on themselves.
It’s stunningly simple.
But stunningly difficult to embrace.
Why?
We tend to believe that happy people are lucky and unhappy people aren’t.
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Because we tend to believe that happy people are lucky and unhappy people aren’t. It’s easier to believe that, more comfortable to believe that, than to admit that happiness is a choice, or more accurately, the result of a series of choices.
Put another way, it’s easier to answer the question, “Why am I so unlucky?” than “Why am I so unhappy?” because the second question requires deep introspection and achieving self-awareness, while the first can only be acknowledged as rhetorical or answered with a statement that avoids personal accountability (e.g., “Because God hates me”), because luck by definition is beyond our control.
“When faced with a difficult question, we often answer an easier one instead, usually without noticing the substitution.”
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In Thinking, Fast and Slow, Daniel Kahneman’s groundbreaking exploration of intuitive and deliberate thinking, he explains the phenomenon of replacing one question with another: “When faced with a difficult question, we often answer an easier one instead, usually without noticing the substitution.”
Happy people may appear not to be doing any work to be happy. It just seems to flow for them. But happy people always return the focus to the more difficult question, the one with an answer that in all likelihood requires hard work on the self, while their unhappier counterparts default to the belief—and false sense of relief—that others need to change, a belief that is fatal to their pursuit of peace and contentment. The sooner we learn that people only change when they want to, at their own rate, on their own schedule, the sooner we can get busy on ourselves. Personal growth can be encouraged from without but can only occur from within.
In conjunction with the flawed belief that others must change first, we also put too much faith in our power to influence others, setting ourselves up for crushing disappointment—and potentially paralyzing depression—when we fail in our futile attempts to change them. This often leads to our stepping it up (because we’ve been trained never to quit and to keep trying harder), and trying to force change through threats and manipulation. Can you think of a greater recipe for unhappiness than that? Except perhaps engaging in an endless, pointless struggle?
Happy people are not the shiny, lucky, blessed ones to whom nothing bad ever seems to happen. They’re the ones who handle the bad stuff in stride.
It’s not that happy people don’t have losses. They do, just like the rest of us. But they act faster to cut them and move on.
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And it’s not that happy people don’t have losses. They do, just like the rest of us. But they act faster to cut them and move on.
So the next time you’re wondering, ask yourself, “Where am I focusing my change energy? On others? Or on myself?”
The answer will tell you everything you need to know about being happy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ffgsf3pqaD8
This article brings together a few things I have been thinking recently perfectly. I was contemplating a couple of clients who are not ready to work on themselves and reading ‘Think fast and slow’ as well! A great article, than you.
Hi Thomas. I’m impressed with the clarity and insight in this article. Thank you. I’d like to know if I can quote, and attribute you, in my book–a memoir of being the daughter of a narcissist. When you begin life as the child of an infantile parent, that “waiting” is your legacy–at least for me it didn’t seem like a mistaken choice, it actually felt more like I was brainwashed to tolerate, to tolerate and help others was my life. The pursuit of happiness didn’t enter into it. But I did wake up, eventually. I’d like to quote the “nut”… Read more »
So, I should change myself even though there is nothing wrong with me? Just to make the other person happy? yeah I guess that would be a successful method of dealing with others.. but it doesn’t seem like it would be consistent with anything approaching a moral values set.
No thanks.
@Jay. It isn’t about who is wrong or who is right. I used to think that way alot.. But i realized the only person i was short changing was myself, with me being pissed or bitter most of the time where I couldn’t get the other person to see it my way.. So I changed my outlook. I don’t give the power for bad things or bad situations to dictate my happiness. If you can’t fix it, then close the door on that and move on.
agree that we need to realize the importance of looking inward to work on our own stuff to realize happiness.. and, agree that looking to change others is not useful… and certainly is not a key to happiness
however,
is it true that happiness is entirely a choice? I think not. there is a significant research into the notion of people having different inherent “happiness set points” I perceive my happiness set point as different and lower than some others… I have a husband who simply is inherently more content….
Short, sweet, and perfect, Thomas.
So hard to employ for so many reasons. I’ve found that men who grasp this clarity and start acting upon it experience massive changes in their lives, marriages, and intimate connections.
Brendon Burchard said it another way.
“Only two things bring change to your life. Something new comes INTO it. Or something new comes OUT of you.”
It’s easier to opt for the second one.
great observation.
Thomas – great article. It’s hard to do the work we all need to in order to achieve happiness, but through the work comes growth and freedom. Little else in life pays off so nicely. Thanks for reminding me.
This is an awesome article. It’s funny how we overlook the obvious. At some point I may quote this idea in my blog, because I think it’s something we need to be more mindful of. If you don’t mind me asking, was there something in particular that brought you to this epiphany, or was it just a gradual realization you made over time?
Thanks, Brandon. You’re welcome to quote the idea and reference me in your own writing. I can’t pinpoint a single event that led to the epiphany. It’s more a combination of assessing my own life experience in dysfunctional relationships as I help others who have been through similar experiences.