Mike Berry has something to say about how a healthy marriage works.
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Dear Kirk Cameron,
This past Saturday I was scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook when your name appeared on one of the trending topics. Since I’ll forever be a fan of Growing Pains, I tapped the headline.
You shared your view of marriage saying, “Wives should submit to their husbands.” Later you said they should “Respect and follow their husband’s lead, and not tell their husband how he ought to be a better husband.” You also stated that, “Marriage comes with instructions. We find it in God’s word.”
First off, let me congratulate you on your marriage of more than 20 years to your wife. That’s a rarity in today’s society, so kudos to you both. I’ve been married for 17 years. It’s not easy and we all know it comes with growing pains (no pun intended).
But your view of marriage could not be further from accurate. This idea that women should follow, submit, stay quiet, not challenge, or “tell their husbands to be better” (as you put it) is … well … toxic. I’m sorry, but the Leave It to Beaver meets Mad Men perspective on marriage is wrong and outdated by 50 years or so. Even then, it was a shame. It’s left women marginalized and lost in the shadows of pig-headed men who thought they were kings over their wives and not co-heirs with their wives to this precious life we’ve been given. Furthermore, this idea of “man leads, women follows” has placed an unfair burden on the shoulders of women who are completely capable (and more), or smart (and smarter) to lead their families.
You mention that your view comes from the Bible. Well, as a former pastor I know a thing or two about the Bible. I even know where you get your view … book, chapter, and verse. I can tell you, your interpretation is wrong. It’s wrong for a few reasons (which I’ll explain in a moment) but first and foremost, it’s wrong because you’re doing the exact thing that marriage counselors and pastors have done for decades: You’re only quoting the part of scripture that benefits you.
Allow me to explain …
Ephesians 5:22-23 says, “Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so wives should submit to your husbands in everything.”
Okay, I get where you get the “wives submit” perspective but, as I’ve said, you’re taking it out of context. You neglect what’s written before and, for that matter, what was written after. Just before verse 22, Ephesians 5:21 says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Since the Bible is thousands of years old, I don’t think it’s a misprint: “Submit to one ANOTHER.” In other words, Kirk, submission is something that BOTH a husband and a wife do for one another. Not just something wives do for husbands.
Furthermore, Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” The simple translation of “gave himself up” is “die.” In other words, be willing to die for your wife. Love her in such a way that you would give up your very heartbeat for this woman. By the way, if my math serves me correctly, in this chapter, there are just three verses written to wives (not including verse 21), and nine verses written to husbands (not including verse 21). Nine verses! From this calculation it appears as though you and the numerous marriage counselors and pastors who have grossly misinterpreted this passage have missed a very big point: There is a greater emphasis put on the way a husband behaves than how a wife behaves in a marriage. So if you still want to tout the whole “wives submit” thing, then I’ll break it down like this: wives submit … but husbands die! That sounds like a lot more pressure on the guys if you ask me.
Finally, you said that “wives should respect and follow their husbands lead, and not tell them how to be better husbands.” First of all, I think husbands and wives should respect one another, bottom line. But secondly, I want my wife to speak truth into my life. I need her to make me a better man, better father, better husband, and better human. We need each other for this.
But in regard to the whole following thing you mention …
I don’t want to look behind me and see my wife following me. I want to look beside me and see her walking next to me. That’s the nature of a partnership. Together. Together we lead our family. Together we lead our household. Together we make decisions. Together we parent our children. In some cases, she leads out and I follow her lead because she may be more knowledgeable or qualified to lead. In some situations, I take the lead because I may be more knowledgeable or qualified. But the point is, we’re both qualified to lead. At the end of the day, we lead together.
We haven’t stayed married, in love, and committed to one another for 17 years because we follow your backwards ideas of a marriage relationship. We’ve stayed married, in love, and committed to one another for 17 years because we chose a long time ago to submit to one another, serve one another, and put one another’s needs above our own for as long as we’re given to live this glorious life together!
Sincerely,
Mike
Source: 30dB.com – Kirk Cameron and Marriage
Originally published on Babble
Photo—Gage Skidmore/Flickr
Wow, I just read an article where he explains what he said and it mirrors what the writer is stating … maybe shouldn’t have taken hings out of context.
What worked for him worked for him and what works for you works for you. AND in my 41 year marriage, what works for us is obviously working for us.
Mike Berry
A great article!