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Enough with the tired gender norms we impose on our teenagers when they begin dating.
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There’s a story in the news this week about how a well-meaning father took pictures with his arms around his daughter’s Homecoming date; mimicking the couple’s pose. A comment was later added, and the picture posted on social media. “Whatever you do to my daughter, I will do to you.” The original article came out on a Fox News affiliate in Orlando, and was dubbed “hilarious”.
Now. The full story is that both families were at the photo shoot and it was intended to be a joke, okay’ed by everyone involved. Therein, I’m not trying to judge this particular story, more use it as an example of the old-fashioned norms in which we continue to mindlessly participate.
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“Boys will be boys” needs to STOP.
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While the role of overprotective father is not a new one, it is a tired concept that needs to just die, already. Aside from the assumption that my daughter (yes, I also have daughters) is incapable of good judgement and protecting herself and her standards, this ridiculous concept imagines my sons likewise incapable of the same good judgement and standards.
“But I’ve been/known a teenage boy,” You say. “I know how they think.”
Which is total baloney. Because here’s the thing — thoughts are not equal to actions. And rationalizing that young men have overwhelming urges that cloud their judgement and force them to make poor decisions regarding young women is nothing more than excusing bad behavior. “Boys will be boys” needs to STOP.
My oldest son is 16 and his life does not need to be threatened when he takes his date out for dinner. My son is 16 and yet he has enough sense to be respectful to his grandmother, his mother, his sisters, and, amazingly, his girlfriend. I, as his mother, take offense to the thought that he is some hormone-drunk sloppy boner-machine (man he’s going to hate me for writing that phrase in a public forum) who is completely blinded to good sense and morality. I have raised my son to be respectful and responsible young man, and he portrays those qualities in outside situations, as well.
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It’s not “funny” to threaten my son. It’s not “cute” to treat your daughter as if she has zero common sense.
Young men and young women alike are going to be curious, interested, and looking to learn more about sex.
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If you’d like to protect your daughter, raise her in such a way that she can protect herself. Give her the tools to decipher a dangerous situation. Teach her the language of consent and how to exit a situation that makes her uncomfortable. Help her be confident about her decisions, and show her how to make good choices about the people she spends time with. Take the time and be involved in her life. Protect your son in the same ways. And, for goodness sake, if you have good reason to distrust their judgement, make sure their activities are safe and monitored.
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Above all, realize and come to terms with the fact that teenage sexuality is not a “boy thing”. Teenage sexuality is a teenage thing. Young men and young women alike are going to be curious, interested, and looking to learn more about sex. Your daughter is just as curious as my son, I can virtually guarantee it. Yet you don’t see me polishing a shotgun when she comes over to do homework. You don’t see me posting pictures on Facebook with watered-down threats about personal harm should I find out she gets handsy with my son.
Why don’t we, as parents, mutually do our best to raise responsible and capable children, instead?
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The idea of threatening young women to keep their hands off young men is ludicrous, yet when roles are reversed it’s completely accepted and even encouraged. Why? In order to raise a generation of kind and respectful men we have to stop telling our boys they’re inherently bad (but it’s not their fault because hormones.) In order to create a culture of strong and competent women who can save themselves, we must first stop teaching girls that they need to be saved.
Why don’t we, as parents, mutually do our best to raise responsible and capable children, instead? Why don’t we guide our children to better choices, and help them learn how to recover when (not if) they screw up? Why don’t we remember that this is all part of the process and focus on the examples we’re setting for them and the messages they’re receiving at home? Then maybe we could all take a collective deep breath and be more confident in the kids we’ve raised.
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This post originally appeared on Huffington Post: The Blog. Reprinted with permission.
Photo: iStock
I guess I’ve been fortunate never to have been threatened by a girlfriend’s father. If I had, my first reaction would have been to wonder if his violent tendencies were a warning sign of domestic abuse.
Not “Boys will be boys”…Boys just are boys. The first time I “experimented” was entirely instigated by a girl. Thankfully, I was fine with it.
I thought this was a great article and I’m happy to have found this website.
When may I threaten him? After she passed out drunk and he raped her and the judge let him go so as to not mess up his college experience? Why is it OK for women to understand that every man can be a rapist but not OK for fathers to understand the same thing?
Not only will I threaten your son for dating my daughter, I will threaten my son for dating your daughter. Fact is Men need to be kept in check, like loaded weapons. The only difference between a man and a loaded weapon is that the man that serially rapes dozens of women doesn’t end up in a shoot out with police like the man who kills dozens of people with the loaded weapon does. Men need to be kept in check – with lethal force if needs be.
You’re a psychopath
Jesus. Who hurt you ?
or how about a father can protect his daughter in any way he sees fit and if you don’t like it, tell your son to disassociate or deal with the fact that this man will be in his life and has a different way of doing things and a different opinoin. he is a father. that child is his charge and always will be, end of discussion. start teaching children to respect their elders even the ones with who they disagree and quit teaching them to disrespect the wishes of a father for his daughter.
Way to assume that PRE-EMPTIVELY threatening other human beings = parenting! As the father of a boy, do I have your permission to threaten this under-educated, undisciplined gun-bunny back? I have military training and served on active duty and in a war and taught my son respect. Yet you assume an ENTITLEMENT to threaten my child with MURDER based on conjecture and an imagination run wild. Do I have your permission to use my training and disciplined skill to shoot back when violent male thugs you bizarrely call friends come for boys with the penis proxies they love more than… Read more »
James what are you even talking about? Sounds like you were the one who lost it. My teenage daughter is my responsibility. I do not want her pregnant or with some STD. So, she will be expected to abstain while she is under my roof. She may or may not disobey, but whether she does or not, I expect your son to obey my rules. If he does there is no problem. It’s when he doesn’t obey that it’s a problem. Being kissed or groped or penetrated by a grown man seems like a pretty good reason to obey and… Read more »
This is a result of ALL boys / men being demonized as disgusting , stupid , sex crazed rapist morons by the controlled ” media ” , whilst girls / women can do no wrong.
“Best guess is that liberals vilify boys will be boys and sometimes defend Schrodinger’s Rapist.”
You have solid facts to back up your statement.
“The sugar and spice and everything nice mentality rarely gets called out and is almost never labeled (so far only labelled by me to my knowledge).”
Ladies get label as the “weaker sex” and the “deadlier of the two species.” I agreed with you about ladies not getting called out. How many wives would admit that they initiated the relationship with their past and current husbands instead of their husbands doing it?
“You have solid facts to back up your statement.” You’re really suggesting that you never read those articles that tell men to cross a street when walking behind a woman at night so she’ll feel safe? We’ve had a few here, but there are others if you choose to look. http://jezebel.com/5887698/how-to-be-a-good-guy-on-the-sidewalk “If I’m walking alone at night, and you are a man between the ages of 20 and 60 and your gait looks even remotely confident, I’m terrified of you.” http://www.rolereboot.org/life/details/2014-08-im-sick-afraid-walk-alone-night/ “13. Cross the street when we see men who look like they might be drunk. 20. Decide not to… Read more »
Mr. Anderson:
You are still paint brushing all liberals as vilifying boys and I don’t think a good thinking liberal woutl be defending a Schrodinger’s Rapist.
“Whatever you do to her I will do to you.”
So…if the boy engages in oral sex with his date, he can expect her dad to reciprocate? I think that’s more than generous of dear old dad. Quite a nice welcome to the family, really.
Someone will need to explain to dad that most boys don’t have a clitoris, so his threat cannot be taken literally.
But I’m probably just “missing the point of the article,” like I always do….
“Whatever you do to her I will do to you.”
Funny how a lot of dads did exactly the same thing when they were young. Bunch of hypocrites.
Sounds like when the dad was younger he didn’t do anything with young women that they enjoyed. Perhaps he’s assuming that because he was a bad date therefore all other young men would be bad dates. More likely, this is a dad who has to work through his own issues about sex. If someone is afraid of teenage boys’ sexuality, then that person is afraid of sexuality in general. If someone thinks teen boy sexuality is dangerous, that person thinks sexuality itself is dangerous. My point still stands. Whether he means to or not, Dad is offering The Golden Rule… Read more »
Of course sex is fun and dangerous… like violence. That’s why the two are so often linked. Humans, especially teens, are still animals. 🙄 Nevermind STD’s or rape or pregnancy complications…getting pregnant, when you’re not ready to be a parent is dangerous, more so for women. At best, it’s financially taxing on the parents who are still raising her and now a teenage boy and limits the resources that could’ve gone to her and the child. Unless we’re gonna start the child off by bouncing it back and forth between two households. Suppose none of that happens, which is quite… Read more »
If I attempt to shoot myself and live then tell people not to kill themselves am I a hypocrite? Perhaps….still gonna do because it’s the right thing to do. Don’t mistake learning and growing as an individual for hypocrisy.
These days in the back of every father and mother’s mind is that today’s boys (and girls) are learning about sex in gonzo porn and emulate what they see despite parental efforts to teach something different. There’s the sex videos passed around, often filmed without the girl knowing, resulting in public shaming of the girl and the boy charged with making, possessing and distributing child pornography. Many parents are fearful when their teens go off on a date, particularly to a party. When I was a teen, I thought my parents dating advice was from the dark ages. Just a… Read more »
When we really get to the source of the problem it is that “girls have problems and boys are problems”. It’s sexism too.
Of course girls are equally interested in sex. Still, it’s always the boy’s fault. Ask her parents.
@ G
The sugar and spice and everything nice mentality rarely gets called out and is almost never labeled (so far only labelled by me to my knowledge). Why do you think labels are reserved for men and masculinity?
It’s not “boys will be boys”. The action is expected , but not condoned (at least not by the girl’s father). It’s Schrodinger’s Rapist. Every man (and boy) is dangerous and a potential rapist. Why the bait and switch? Best guess is that liberals vilify boys will be boys and sometimes defend Schrodinger’s Rapist.
It is possible for both to be true, you know. Multiple criticisms of the patriarchy and its ills can be made at the same time. I would argue that the boys will be boys attitude is what creates the effect of Schrodinger’s Rapist. Boys and men are brought up to believe they are not responsible for their actions because ‘that’s just how men and boys are’, that they can act as they please without repercussion because it will all be waved away as hormones or the natural inclinations of the male psyche. This creates a culture where masculinity is dangerous,… Read more »
Hey, I wasn’t brought up that way and as a matter of fact, none of the guys I grew up with were either! Probably the most important part of ‘Being a Man’ we were taught is being responsible for your actions, ALL of them! Believe me, with my Father, trying to blame bad behavior or actions on something outside your control (“But it wasn’t my fault!”) only made the punishment worse! If I’ve learned one thing in my lifetime, it’s being accountable!
Many fathers and mother forget that many girls initiates the relationship between the boy and the girl. Why not blame and threaten the daughter for starting the whole thing in the first place?
I agree. The dad in this scenario is acting like his daughter is just some passive object, like the boy is borrowing a car or something. “Don’t get a scratch on my car, or I’ll get really mad!”
Maybe deep down that’s how the father sees women in general?
…or maybe his teenage daughter is his responsibility and he doesn’t want a baby with a baby so he’s taking active steps to prevent that.
The threat is nothing unless the boy oversteps a boundary that was reasonable and clear.
He’s not passive either…he doesn’t get a pass because my daughter is also a sexual being. He can physically resist her. So, the only reason he would have a problem is if he’s listening to her instead of her father…the warning is to make it clear that that is unacceptable while she is under my roof.
Good question! Go ahead and threaten; you’re doing my job for me.