Tammy Palazzo is taking a vacation but she’s not going anywhere. She’s leaving Facebook to be more present in her life.
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I’ve decided to embark on a little vacation. This trip will require no driving, flying, or traveling on a train. No bus, no boat. In fact, I don’t even have to get up from my chair to start my journey.
I’m taking a vacation from Facebook.
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I have decided to reclaim the countless hours I have spent each day since 2009 when I created my profile and officially stepped into the social network.
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This is not one of the current fads like 99 Days of Freedom or a detox or anything that ties back to yet another social adventure. I have simply decided to reclaim the countless hours I have spent each day since 2009 when I created my profile and officially stepped into the social network. It is time to have real relationships in real time. There will be no more mindless liking to ensure that I have acknowledged the status updates, links, or photos of my 435 friends (which I have gleaned is pretty lame, since many of these buddies boast more than 1,000 close pals on Facebook). I’m squashing the impulses that have overtaken me to post random thoughts and check in at every destination. I no longer need to use Facebook as a GPS tracker so my friends can be clear about my whereabouts. After all, if I want them to know where I am, I can tell them. Even as I type this, I am sitting at a beautiful hotel in the Midwest, having a cocktail and overlooking the pool—perfect FB fodder. I find my fingers twitching with the need to share my experience and, at the same time, realizing with relief that I can send a text or simply keep this business to myself.
I will not miss the psychological warfare Facebook unleashes, the constant checking of my phone to see who has liked my posts.
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Sure, I will miss the photos. I will miss the memorialization. I will not, however, miss the psychological warfare Facebook unleashes, the constant checking of my phone to see who has liked my posts, who has commented on my photos or, more importantly, who has not. For me, Facebook has become a frighteningly intrusive distraction in my life and a cyber-reality that reminds me far too much of the worst days of high school.
My son, who is in middle school—also referred to as the most horrific place on Earth—participated in a ritual last year as he made his way around the Bar and Bat Mitzvah circuit. In our town, it is common for the kids to receive a swag bag as a gift for attending the child’s entry in adulthood (accompanied by a spectacular event rivaling the grand balls of days past). In these goodie bags, each child attending the party typically got a t-shirt, backpack, or if the family was really bringing it, a sweatshirt bearing the name of the mitzvah recipient and the date of their event. Those in attendance of the weekend event routinely showed up at school on Monday morning showing off their swag, ensuring that everyone in the 7th grade was aware that they had been part of the chosen group selected to attend said child’s rite of passage. Week after week, I would watch on Monday morning the groups in front of school separate into the haves and the have-nots.
And, for me, that is what the Facebook scene has become.
It is a virtual society designed for people to showcase their best life and assert that they are living in the world of the haves.
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It is a virtual society designed for people to showcase their best life and assert that they are living in the world of the haves. And, by the way, I’m not talking about the teenage set. Competing for the best “status” update is a revisitation of middle school and high school for the adults and particularly my peers—the 30, 40, and 50-somethings still trying to prove how popular and cool they are. I didn’t care for it back then and I am no more interested now that I will soon be turning 50.
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Sorry, Facebook, it’s not you, it’s me. I just need some time and space.
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Don’t get me wrong. Facebook and I have had a great relationship over the years. I got to know so much more about those 435 friends than I ever would have had I had to invest the time in real life. I’ve been able to stay in touch with friends from afar and reconnect with many who had long since fallen off my radar. I’ve watched children grow up and blossom into beautiful teens and adults. I’ve experienced five birthdays on Facebook and basked in all the birthday love that came my way. I’ve used the social medium to promote my writing and my business, and I have been able to share with others the comings and goings of my own children. But, what has become abundantly obvious to me is that I have spent far too much engaging in a virtual life rather than living the real one that is happening offline. So sorry, Facebook, it’s not you, it’s me. I just need some time and space.
If you are interested in knowing how I am doing, all you need do is ask. Send me a text or email or, radically, give me a call.
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I decided to begin my hiatus two weeks ago and started breaking the news to those closest to me. I wanted them to understand that the absence of my “likes” and comments on their posts was no way a reflection of how I felt about them. (And that, right there, reinforced my decision.) I warned them that I would not be sending them my trademark effusive birthday wishes but, instead, would send them a text privately acknowledging my appreciation for their presence in my life. No longer would I be sharing the personal details of my day-to-day for all to see and comment on. If you are interested in knowing how I am doing, all you need do is ask. Send me a text or email or, radically, give me a call. We can catch up over drinks or coffee or dinner or brunch, and I will happily fill you in on all the “updates” you’ve missed.
My decision might be somewhat in vogue but it certainly is a radical one. Facebook has become such a ubiquitous presence in our life that disconnecting from it is almost as unheard of as not watching TV or not reading the paper. In fact, most of my news came from Facebook, so now I am forced to find actual news sources to be sure that I am all caught up.
At the end of the day, this is all part of trying to be the most authentic me I can be. I realized, very sadly, that Facebook had altered my reality and created a plethora of inauthentic relationships. Virtual strangers knew things about my life that, in the past, only those who had invested time and energy into getting to know me knew. I became aware that there were lots of people who thought they knew me but with whom I had hardly ever—if ever—shared a conversation, much less a drink or a meal. That is not a real friend in my book. That’s an acquaintance at best, a person on my life’s margins who is unlikely to make the investment in true friendship—no matter how benign they may appear to be.
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So, while I not be alone in taking a step away from Facebook, I may find that my life apart from it takes on a whole new meaning. Beyond the time I will have recaptured, I think I might actually make some new friends, people I’ll end up spending quality time with—or, at least, deepen the relationships with the ones I already have.
Photo—Luc Legay/Flickr
I’m on Day Four of my own “vacation” from Facebook and it really is what the doctor ordered. I couldn’t really explain very well as to why I was doing it, but reading your post helped me understand that I too had really lost touch with the real world by mistaking FB to be that. In posting updates or liking comments, photos, etc., I was feeding a part of my soul that couldn’t take not being noticed or heard from. This will change soon.
Good for you, Todd! It is definitely hard at first but, after a while, you forget about that whole world and find yourself engaging in the real world. It’s been a few weeks for me and I feel so much better about everything and far less consumed with what’s happening in the virtual world!