Julie Gills discovers that the ability to create and innovate come out of free play, useless silliness, and time spent on open thought.
My boys were outside on an unseasonably warm January day. Both had on their “Spartan” warrior outfits and both were wielding shields and swords (mostly made from stray branches or old broom handles). I watched them as they battled it out, swinging at each other, rolling occasionally in the dirt, yelling old timey epithets at each other. Some wrestling began and the battle waged on. Suddenly, I heard an “OW! THAT’S NOT COOL!” and a bit of real pain noise over took the play. I poked my head outside and the older one apologized to the younger one.
“You all ok?” I asked.
“Yeah.” The little one said.
“Ok, just use your ‘for real no’ word when it gets too much.” And then I went back in to read
I’ve been watching my kids play like this for a long time both on their own and with other friends. When we have new friends over I often have everyone agree on some basic rough play ground rules, like the “for real no” word. I mean, if a Spartan Warrior calls out PEANUT BUTTER really loudly, you can be sure they want the game to stop. Sometimes there are real fights that have broken out, but mostly things stop just before the danger zone, and even when it does get too rough, there are apologies and ways of making up for it.
More and more though, I’ve heard tell that parents don’t want their kids playing that roughly, or with fake guns (certainly a hot button issue over the past few years of gun deaths in our country), but even with things like swords or higher risk behaviors like climbing, leaping, biking, skateboarding, and so forth Violence, injury, and the prevention of it, is a big deal in current America.
But might keeping our kids from rough and seemingly violent kinds of play be hurting them more than helping? Dr. Stuart Brown, the Director of the National Institute of Play thinks so. I recently came across an amazing podcast on On Being featuring his work. The podcast is here should you want to reference it, it’s fascinating.
“The National Institute for Play is a 501c(3) non-profit public benefit corporation committed to bringing the unrealized knowledge, practices and benefits of play into public life. It is gathering research from diverse play scientists and practitioners, initiating projects to expand the clinical scientific knowledge of human play and translating this emerging body of knowledge into programs and resources which deliver the transformative power of play to all segments of society.”
I had no idea such a place existed and was so excited to learn of Dr. Brown. From his bio:
“Trained in general and internal medicine, psychiatry and clinical research, he first discovered the importance of play by discerning its absence in a carefully studied group of homicidal young males, beginning with the University of Texas Tower mass murderer, Charles Whitman. Over the course of his clinical career, he interviewed thousands of people to capture their play profiles. His cataloging of their profiles demonstrated the active presence of play in the accomplishments of the very successful and also identified negative consequences that inevitably accumulate in a play-deprived life.”
We live in a culture that celebrates efficiency, practicality and hard work. We don’t like time wasters or things that don’t seem like they have a purpose, but what Dr. Brown has discovered is that our very ability to create and innovate, characteristics that also are expected out of our workforce, come out of free play, useless silliness, and time spent (not wasted) on open thought. Far from being useless, play creates empathy and compassion as well as trust, which allows people to live in ever changing worlds, take risks, and ironically, know where the lines of real violence are.
Fake play fighting and play in general will help reduce real fighting later in life, it seems.
The podcast notes studies with baby rats who play in as rough and tumble fashion as any human mammal. If baby rats are stopped from engaging in that play, they grow up to be more violent. The “play” fighting actually teaches their brain how to know the lines between real hurting and not, thus building empathy. Mammals such as wolves, bear, the big cats, and primates all play. Dolphins and whales as well. It’s part of what helps build our bigger brains. Anyone who has had a cat or dog can attest to their playfulness and how it helps them bond with each other and with us.
Fantasy play in human children allows them to gain control of their very out-of-control little worlds, and also teaches them how to create competence. What appears violent and upsetting to adults (in an increasingly violent world) actually helps them build skills to keep them from behaving that way as adults.
It’s fascinating to me, not only because I have young boys, but because as a girl myself I was drawn to swords and bows and arrows, climbing trees (and everything I could get my hands on) and biking around the neighborhood. And I had the freedom to do those very things. Over the past 20 years there has been more and more control placed on children’s play and free time, leaving little to no time at recess to let off energy, and I know of loads of parents that won’t let their kids bike or skateboard, or walk home from school or learn to take the city bus.
Dr. Brown thinks we are doing our kids a disservice here and I agree. Free and interactive play allows children (male and female) to reduce stress, enhance creativity, learn faster, create deeper connections with peers, and when it comes to boys, what can I say? Limiting their fighting or physical play based on fear or cultural tropes about encouraging violence (that are now proving to be false), won’t help them learn how to navigate real conflicts later in life.
Ironic huh?
Fighting and rough-and-tumble play are good for boys. In fact, it will, if those studies are to be believed, make them more empathetic, more trusting, and more able to understand physical boundaries if we let them learn experientially. And playfully as they are naturally inclined to do.
With a “for real no” word and parents and neighbors willing to step in if things go too far afield, of course.
Adults need play as well, and that’s something I’ll address in future articles.
For me, I’m going to relish my own memories of a free and risky childhood and enjoy watching my boys learn all about being both human and good men in the most perfect way possible. By playing.
Photo: Flickr/*clairity*
I love your articles, Julie! Please write more.
Thank you! You can also check out my own blog at juliegillis.com but yes, I’m sure there will be more!
Just my own anecdotal evidence here. I spent my boyhood playing war a lot, making guns out of everything I could find, fake shooting, building forts, going to war on a daily basis, and reading a lot of books about tanks, planes, ships, armies, you name it. I was not discouraged in the least from being interested in playing at war. The outcome? I’m an adult who’s somewhat squeamish about guns, have very little fascination with firearms whatsoever, pro gun control, semi-pacifist, with a strong anti-militarism streak. When you try to keep kids away from roughhousing with each other, then… Read more »
Hit submit too soon. The podcast notes studies with baby rats who play in as rough and tumble fashion as any human mammal. If baby rats are stopped from engaging in that play, they grow up to be more violent. I wonder if this speaks to something where, among humans, not only do some commit violent behavior via learing that it is okay but do some commit it also because they were never given guidence on it. As in did they directly learn the lesson that violence is okay or did they not pick up the lessons that teach that… Read more »
I think the implication with rats is that the rats, through playing, learn empathy about what pain and “too far” would mean for the social order. If you don’t develop empathy, then even learning rules about violence doesn’t matter much.
I know the videogames+violence topic is a can of worms, but in the light of this article, it makes me wonder if virtual violence contributes to, or inhibits, learning empathy. I’m no psychologist but I’m guessing that rough play encourages empathy because upon experiencing pain, a child would be inclined to avoid intentionally inflicting pain on another child during play. And then there’s the social layer of reciprocity, the idea that someone you hurt would feel justified to hurt you back. But in a video game world (and I’m thinking mostly of first-person shooters), where the on-screen avatars are digitally… Read more »
Agreed. Also I think that the guiding hand of parents plays a role here. Sure it may be possible that children could learn empathy and how to act when it comes to violence on their own but I think an active parent is going to play a huge role in making sure that lesson sticks. If you don’t develop empathy, then even learning rules about violence doesn’t matter much. Agreed. This is why I was questioning earlier about how the formula for keeping boys from being violent seems to be sliding towards totally shut them off from any possibility of… Read more »
Well you’ll not find me disagreeing on that.
Now for my next trick…. Okay since we are talking about men and boys here let me try to flesh out something that i’ve been thinking on for a while and the things in this discussion struck me. In light of the idea that giving boys the chance to work these things out on their own, is this somewhat related to the ways of raising boys into men that call for leaving boys to work things out for themselves but minus the guiding hand of parenting to assist them (or maybe the “guiding hand” itself is misguided)? Think about the… Read more »
Well, that’s not what I was suggesting at all. I was suggesting that play, including rough and tumble play, is good for boys (actually all kids), and that parents and adults need to be prepared to intervene if and when things go to far (which happens).
As for teaching boys to man up and suppress emotions then sure, that’s definitely gonna teach them a particular way of bein that may not work well for them as adults.
No of course you weren’t suggesting that. What I’m asking is this. Does the lack of an active guiding parent that is there to help kids learn empathy and how to deal with painful situations play into the “man up” expectations that males are held to. For example a few weeks ago Joanna did a post talking about how she intervened before her son could squash a bug on the sidewalk (or something like that). What would happen she had not stepped in and said something? Would that add the possibility that her son would not learn empathy for others… Read more »
Maybe it is time to start telling our daughters, also, to “take it like an adult”, “tough up”, “grow some hide”….. When faced with adversity including a bit of physical pain…
Then we could have some gender parity that might work…
Telling boys to not rough house isn’t going to work, I’m suggesting we let girls engage in the fun.
We were entranced this week with the cruise ship debacle- Mommy didn’t land a helicopter on deck to make it all better. The “authorities” did jack squat.
I’m all for girls getting to climb trees, rough and tumble and so forth. I was and did and I think it benefitted me.
So let’s take it up a notch. And accept the normalcy of punching & getting punched in the nose…
I guess I’d prefer a world where there were less incidents of nose punching period…
@ Julie- hah…
I’d prefer to be a tall George Clooney knockoff driving a car powered by cold fusion. Oh & smoking a non-carcinogenic cigarette.
Here in the US there is a world with a lot less school yard nose punching- probably the least amount of nose punching in our history. I’m not sure this is working out well for us..
Dunno. Maybe not. I figure MLK had some good insights on things. That being said, of course women should know how their bodies deal with pain and be able to stand up for themselves. I just don’t really want to live violence any more than I have to.
The podcast notes studies with baby rats who play in as rough and tumble fashion as any human mammal. If baby rats are stopped from engaging in that play, they grow up to be more violent. The “play” fighting actually teaches their brain how to know the lines between real hurting and not, thus building empathy. If you notice now boys have it hammered into their heads that they are violent criminals just waiting for their first chance to taste blood. Seriously you can even find posters for DV campaigns where it’s just a picture of a young boy saying… Read more »
That’s an interesting verbal point. I’m prone to believe it’s because people are lazy when it comes to the English language and semantics. That’s something I’ll encourage in publications and materials where I work.
Chances are it could be some sort of “laziness” but I have to admit that the cynic in me…well let’s just say that the cynic in me is not as generous.
Given the prevalence of feminist organizations delivering programs in elementary schools here, that use EXACTLY those messages, I am NOT prone to believe that it is just laziness.
My 11 year old son was deeply upset at that program. He was even more upset with the attitudes displayed by his teachers and his female peers.
Oh believe me it’s not just feminists that engage in these messages. But I get your point.
Julie…Good stuff.However,the US is not increasingly violent. There is far less violence than say the 17th or 18th and 19th centuries in the US.NY,Philly,Boston,California,Appalachia,the South.We mythologize the US as having been nonviolent.It isn’t and wasn’t.The Ohio State Sociology department has a data base that looks specifically at violence in America.There have been at least 5,600 riots alone.
Fair point. Our media has created the belief that there is more violence and more to fear. Litigation also has placed fear in parents and toy makers etc. Parents who used to think nothing of letting their kids bike around a neighborhood, now can go online and see how many sexual predators are living in neighborhoods and thus say…you can’t go biking unless I’m with you etc. These are dynamics that I believe limit children’s ability to play freely and learn. America may be less violent, but the media doesn’t make it seem so. Fear is a big deal in… Read more »
Amen, Ken. I got to rough and tumble, but not enough. I didn’t get enough exposure to kids my age through teen years (probably my mom trying to build a bubble against sex). Its a shame. One of the downsides of homeschooling. I was a great academic (still am), but socially awkward. While I am a peacemaker at heart, I have violent thoughts in response to stress that bother me. Still have growing and maturing to do at age 25.
Thanks for sharing, Jean. Hey – none of us is perfect, we all have growing and maturing to do. Great that you’re self-aware enough to realize that though!
I agree. Let kids be kids. Let them use their imagination and creativity, let them fall and scrape their elbow, let them understand what it’s like to sometimes fail or get hurt. Otherwise the first time they REALLY experience pain or get hurt, they won’t understand what it’s like. I’m certainly conscious of the world we live in today (and especially your points about toy guns) but we can’t keep kids in a bubble nor let them experience all the wonders of childhood…even if it means some risk.