Here’s what holding strong really is.
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After being fired by the Ravens for punching his then-fiancé and leaving her unconscious on the floor in an elevator, NFL star Ray Rice released a statement that he’s “just holding strong” for his family right now.
But I’m sorry, Ray.
You & your PR team don’t get to use those words right now. You’re not entitled to them.
“Holding strong” is something a person of virtue does when they’ve been dealt a misfortune they didn’t deserve.
That situation doesn’t apply to you.
“Holding strong” is something a father in Kansas does when a tornado has just destroyed his family’s home and he’s not sure how they’ll get by.
“Holding strong” is something a mother in Newtown does after a mass murderer kills her child.
“Holding strong” is something a wife does after losing her husband to suicide.
None of these situations is comparable to yours, so you don’t get to use those words to elicit sympathy. You don’t get to pretend you’re a man of strength and dependency right now. You’re not allowed to manipulate the public into seeing you as just another “victim” here, too, as if your being fired were just a cruel, random unfair card you’ve been dealt.
You earned this situation you’re in, Ray. You brought it on yourself. There’s no outside force you have to “hold strong” against. There’s just your own violent actions and insensitivity to blame.
You knocked her unconscious and appeared to have no concern whatsoever for her well-being, for all the world to see. There was no strength of character in those actions.
“Holding strong” is what you should have done when you guys were having an argument, rather than punching her.
“Holding strong” is what you could have done afterwards by showing a little more concern for your knocked-out fiance as you let her lay face down on the floor.
The only one who’s “holding strong” in this situation is your wife, who, despite having plenty of reason to leave you, has decided to give you a second chance to prove yourself a better man.
Try to “hold strong” to her, and the idea of showing a little more restraint, self-control and respect for women. The most helpful words right now would be a reiteration of your apology. Then let your actions do the talking for you, not a carefully manicured PR statement.
I’m a little surprised and disappointed by this article. Two things in particular… 1) “The only one who’s “holding strong” in this situation is your wife, who, despite having plenty of reason to leave you, has decided to give you a second chance to prove yourself a better man.” Let’s not forget her roll in this too. She hit him. She charged him. She was also an aggressor and showed the same propensity for domestic violence. That doesn’t excuse his actions but likewise his poor actions doesn’t excuse HER domestic violence either. 2) Ray Rice needs to have the chance… Read more »
It’s about the cowardice of knocking out someone smaller/weaker, not gender. No way someone who is that coward could be a good person.
You neanderthal straight American males need to stop with this right now.
“As if being fired was just a cruel, unfair card you were dealt….”
The turbulent end to my relationship long ago was also the end of other things in my abuser’s life…and even up until recently, I have always (oddly enough) felt sorry for him…perhaps getting fired was not the worst thing for him…I think it freed him from a job he hated…and eventually, he switched gears and moved his career in a radically different direction….abusers can be slippery….they can glide into other venues…and still be successful…
I would like to add something to your already insightful article. Holding strong: A woman with an “invisible” illness, such as lyme disease, fights for survival (for years) from not only the illness, but from her husband. He has not the integrity to tell her that he doesn’t want to be married to her anymore after 20 years (found a young, I guess, healthy girl)…so he abuses her and her young teenage children to try to get her to kick him out (of course not physically, so, it is legal in the eyes of family court). She defies him one… Read more »
I would submit that Ray Rice is not a healthy man either. Healthy men don’t beat their spouses into unconsciousness and that is why I would treat him like we would treat someone with an addiction or mental health issue. I have heard the question asked “Why do men hit”? And since not all men, not even most, hit those who do, why do they hit and what is wrong with them that causes such behavior. Ray may need to be medicated. I don’t know, but Janay doesn’t want him driven from football and most certainly neither does Ray. I… Read more »
That makes a lot of sense. I think Rice will be out for a year and be allowed to present his case to the NFL for reinstatement. The NFL may treat him the same as they did Mike Vick after his prison sentence, which is monitor his progress before, during, and after the reinstatement process. If a team does sign him, I bet they do a thorough examination of his progress and take the pulse of the organization (including the female employees that work there) to make sure this is something to go forward with. He’ll sign a veterans’ minimum… Read more »
I appreciate this sincere conversation a lot…Let me put the focus of this comment on the humiliation aspect of the story. First, there is her humiliation to be knocked unconscious by him, who in the video doesn’t seem too concerned with helping her recover from the knock out. It is scary to see how much he acts as not-involved or concerned with the whole consequences of her head injury…she recovers by herself, on the floor, with two men watching, but not raising her or holding her in any way. I would like to offer a special focus on domestic violence… Read more »
I am not sure what therapeutic value there is to your making the man “beg” for forgiveness. There may be some visceral satisfaction to it, but Ray didn’t have to do any of that and Janay has forgiven him and she has lashed out at the media for destroying her husband. I think real, substantive treatment will go a lot farther than humiliating the husband so as to obtain some kind of “retribution” for the humiliation he may have subjected her to.
not to mention basically every abusive man does exactly those things after every incident.
Thanks so much for writing this and using your voice against violence against women. It is despicable and unacceptable that this can be anything but not ok.
I’m with you on that comment. He is not what we women consider a good man. Anyone who drags a woman out of an elevator and doesn’t even have the consideration to pull her dress down, doesn’t win any condolences from me. He made his bed and he can sleep in it. I hope he doesn’t get another chance with the NFL, because I don’t want him influencing any more young men or boys.