Steve Neumann is taking a new look at what it really means to love women, and how to take a new stand against the #Mis-Print that marks him as a child of his time.
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The other night I happened to catch that episode of Two and a Half Men where Alan calls Charlie a misogynist. Charlie is indignant, but he has to go get a dictionary in order to find out what the word means. When he does, he comes back to Alan and declares, “I do not hate women …. If anything, I am the opposite of a misogynist. I’m a pro-sogynist. I love women.” The joke, of course, is that he loves women only because he loves having sex with them.
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Doubtless many men think this way. They think that because they pursue women romantically, because they shower them with gifts, attention, and physical affection, they are showing their support for women—that there really isn’t a problem with the way women are treated in society. I believe I love women, too—and, since you don’t know me, you’ll have to take my word for it that I’m no Charlie Harper.
… I think more men—and maybe even some women—need to take a step back and reflect on how their subtle everyday attitudes affect the environment in which women find themselves today.
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But I’ve increasingly felt the need to reduce my “misogyny footprint.” Just like more and more people these days are making an effort to reduce their carbon footprint in order to benefit society, I think more men—and maybe even some women—need to take a step back and reflect on how their subtle everyday attitudes affect the environment in which women find themselves today.
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I am a product of my time and place. Everyone is. But I came of age in the 1980s, born into a fundamentalist Christian church and household, in a little Podunk town in eastern Pennsylvania—Pennsyltucky, as I affectionately refer to it now. My church was in the tradition of the Plymouth Brethren, where the Bible was taken literally as the inviolable word of God. And the Bible’s attitude toward women was less than optimal, to put it mildly. Our church followed the teaching of “male headship” where all the leadership and teaching roles were reserved solely for men, because as 1 Corinthians 14:34 states, “Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the law says. If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church.”
The cultural milieu in which I grew up was a perfect storm of male privilege. I didn’t recognize that then, but I do now.
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In addition to being a child of my time, I was also white, reasonably good-looking, popular, and a star athlete. And though the weapons-grade misogyny of Christian fundamentalism didn’t plant roots in me, the macho-jock culture on the soccer pitch did. If a teammate flubbed an easy shot on goal, we said “You gotta hit it, Nancy.” If another teammate, after initially failing to execute a slide tackle on an opponent, went in hard on the next one, we yelled “Atta girl!” These are the types of indirect misogyny I’m talking about. They were meant as insults—what could be worse for a jock than to be called a girl?
Fortunately I attended the public school system as I grew up, where there was much less overt fundamentalist influence; but this was still fairly rural Pennsylvania—lots of old-time Pennsylvania Dutch families and a decade-behind-the-times mindset generally. It was still a hotbed for traditional gender roles and stereotypes. The cultural milieu in which I grew up was a perfect storm of male privilege. I didn’t recognize that then, but I do now.
I know that what follows may sound to some like a version of “I don’t hate blacks; some of my best friends are black,” nevertheless I’d like you to keep in mind that explanation doesn’t mean exculpation—it’s not an attempt to excuse, it’s an attempt to educate, to provide background and context, and what might have led to my own changing attitudes toward women.
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Yes, I loved women. I “chased girls” and did my best to strut and preen like a bird-of-paradise in the jungles of New Guinea, even through college. But at the same time I also developed a more nuanced relationship to women. When the poetry bug hit me in college, my favorite poet was a woman, Denise Levertov. This attraction had nothing to do with sexuality—she had a profound affect on my life spiritually. I even recently wrote about the impact she had—I was presumptuous enough to write her during my senior year in college, and we corresponded for a few years until her untimely death from cancer. I originally wrote to her for advice about being a poet, but ended up learning how to be a human being.
Yes, I loved women. I “chased girls” and did my best to strut and preen like a bird-of-paradise in the jungles of New Guinea, even through college.
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I also developed a decided preference for women singer-entertainers—Martina Topley-Bird, Alice Russell, Ke$ha, Lady Gaga. And my favorite genre cyberpunk is filled with prominent female characters—Kara Thrace from Battlestar Galactica, Trinity from The Matrix, Major Kusanagi from Ghost in the Shell, and Lain Iwakura from Serial Experiments Lain, to name only a few. And while almost all of these people and characters exude some sexuality, I have to say that when I ask myself why I’m so drawn to them, I realize it has nothing to do with sexuality.
I really can’t say for sure why I’m drawn to female characters, but I can say one thing for certain—it’s about respect. I admire the talent of women singers, and I admire the actions of those female characters. And in most cyberpunk and anime films, they aren’t portrayed in stereotypical ways—the virtues of both the male and female characters are indistinguishable, and equally worthy of emulation.
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Today I am still white (obviously), and reasonably popular in my smaller circle of influence, though less good-looking and no longer an athlete, and I treat women with general respect, whether they are friends, colleagues, or strangers. But I’m more self-consciously aware of how even my limited impact on society affects the overall attitude toward women.
I made a concerted effort to contribute my fair share, if not more, to my relationship with my former girlfriend. I love to cook, and even though our agreed-upon arrangement was that I cook and she cleans, I made sure I did as much cleaning while I cooked and sneaked in as much cleaning while she relaxed on the couch. In the morning I made coffee, then checked to see if the trash or recycling needed to go out.
I realize I’m liable to labeled a “self-hating liberal” by someone like Rush Limbaugh …
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All this is more than just a Facebook humblebrag—I did those things because I believeed she deserved it. When we met, she had just finished spending years in a stereotypical marriage where “the wife” was underappreciated and taken for granted, and cooked, cleaned, and took care of the kid.
I realize I’m liable to labeled a “self-hating liberal” by someone like Rush Limbaugh, but it’s not because I hate myself that I want to try and make amends for the mistreatment of women in our society—it’s because I love women. And, it’s because I love myself. Though I said before that my favorite poet, singers, and film characters are all women, my favorite philosopher is a man—and it’s he who taught me the kind of self-love I mean. His notion of self-love is a derivative of his concept of self-overcoming. He asked: “What does a philosopher demand of himself first and last? To overcome his time in himself… With what must he therefore engage in the hardest combat? With whatever marks him as the child of his time.”
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“What does a philosopher demand of himself first and last? To overcome his time in himself… With what must he therefore engage in the hardest combat? With whatever marks him as the child of his time.”
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These are the words of Friedrich Nietzsche. Nietzsche was a famous misogynist—along with being an elitist and an anti-theist—but none of these are the reasons why he’s my favorite philosopher. Despite the fact that he, too, was a child of his time, he still had the courage to take a stand against the prevailing winds of society. Unfortunately, he didn’t see the need to take a stand against misogyny—but I do. And I’d like to pledge to do my best to overcome any misogynist tendencies in myself and society.
My efforts will be modest at best, to be sure—I’m no politician or other influential public figure—but just as many of us make small strides toward reducing our carbon footprint, I’d like to work at reducing my misogyny footprint, my “mis-print.” A“misprint” is something that is an error and has potentially detrimental effects without your intending it to. I think a lot of misogyny today is like that. So I’d like to rechristen this word and start a new hashtag: #misprint. I’d like to see how many people can commit to “reducing their #misprint.”
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Photo: Flickr/Steven Zwerink
I agree with some of this article, disagree with other parts, but find that with many first-person pieces it ultimately does not feel genuine. I think the #misprint to close is a confirmation of that. Simply conduct yourself differently, leave the ‘I’ out of the article, and nix the hashtag (which really feels self-celebratory) and I think you are much closer to the true road to being a good man. Conduct yourself differently, others will see the efforts, and the impact will be far greater than a ‘me’ piece. The many good men in my life have always done so.… Read more »
Steve Neumann, a question on the Bible teachings of your youth. You cite one example, and I’m wondering, was your church one that focused on passages regarding the prescriptions for behavior for women? Was there an equal focus on the prescriptions of behavior for men? And were the teachings about women focused on strengths or transgressions?
I ask because I think where church and faith teachings are concerned, it’s interesting to see what is supporting the basic tenets. If a church is teaching X piece of dogma, what other teachings are attached to that.
Thank you, JJ
What if you don’t have a misogyny footprint? You say you just don’t know it, but what if I just don’t have it. You just think I have it because your definition of misogyny is wrong. For example, I understand that calling someone a Nancy in relation to sport is considered misogyny because it implies that women are inferior. It actually comes from a belief that women are inferior in that sport. No one would say dude, you cook like a Nancy or you walk that balance beam just like a Nancy. Here’s where it may not be misogyny. If… Read more »
Actually, I think male gymnasts take a lot of slack for practicing a sport that was stereotypically associated with women. As do male cheerleaders or ballet dancers. These men are thought to be automatically homosexual or effeminate or both alot of the time. Even though these men have bodies that rival Greek Gods. Saying that women are “inferior” because men and women have different bodies is problematic. Acknowledging that in general, men and women are different, and have different body structures, not abilities, is very different from saying “women are inferior” at x,y and z sport. Both men and women… Read more »
Do a search on Zeta Males and Masculinity. You might find the answers there.
Don’t even get me started on why people use their faith to promote bigotry, hatred and anything else they see as ‘Christian’ even though it clearly isn’t. Drove me to become an atheist decades ago, as I came across far too many Christians who were anything but.
Leo, I respect you and your decision but (there always seems to be a “but”) I feel badly that you allowed “man” or their negative influence to keep you from “Him.” Nonetheless you are where you are for a reason and I respect that. Best wishes to you my friend.
Awareness is a great first step, but it’s action that’s missing in this article. Calling a division of housework between two people an anti-misogyny action, the only action I’ve seen here, isn’t so. Two men or two women in same-sex relations have to divide who does the cooking and cleaning and no one is congratulating each other on how they’ve struck a blow to misogyny. When you are motivated to clean the house because you love your girlfriend, that is not an anti-misogyny action. I encourage you to examine misogyny at a deeper level, and become an activist for women’s… Read more »
BTW, I love how people use the bible and their faith to be cause of their negative behaviors or attitude. In my case,it’s my faith that’s caused me to be the man/husband and father that I am. A little shaming aimed at those of faith?
An unexamined faith is not worth having, for fundamentalism and uncritical certitude entail the rejection of one of the great human gifts: that of free will, of the liberty to make up our own minds based on evidence and tradition and reason.
Jon Meacham
The bible does contain many sexist passages and a few homophobic ones. Even slavery is promoted in the NEW testament.
The Bible contains passages that we have humanly taken out of context for as long as it’s been around. Us humans are at fault, not necessarily the Bible. To use the example Steve used in his piece, if you do more reading and research on this piece of scripture, some historians believe that that Paul was only instructing one church, in one situation because there was a problem in the church with women bursting out in the middle of service with questions and disrupting the service. Women were left uneducated. It was also rare at that time for women to… Read more »
Of course having the ability to fall in love with women and wanting to have sex with them doesn’t indicate that one loves women. Gay men don’t fall in love with women or want to have sex with women yet they tend to be less misogynistic and sexist. Rape, sexual assault, and domestic violence are things that STRAIGHT men do to women so yeah, the notion that just because a man is straight and is attracted to women means he loves women flies out the window!
By the way, the Christian god is NOT against rape. Deuteronomy 22: 28-29; Deuteronmy 22:23-24; Exodus 21: 7-11; Deuteronmy 20: 10-14; etc. As for slavery in the bible: re-read these passages, they do NOT jive with your 21st century politically correct interpretation where slavery is regarded as morally repugnant: Ephesians 6:5; I Timothy 6: 1-2; Leviticus 25: 44-46; Exodus 21: 2-6; Exodus 21: 7-11; Exodus 21: 20-21. Incest in the bible: Cain and his wife; Abraham and Sara ( his half-sister); Lot and his daughters; Nachor and Melcha; etc. etc. etc. Personally, I don’t make excuses for the abhorrent things… Read more »
“And the Bible’s attitude toward women was less than optimal, to put it mildly. Our church followed the teaching” ….. I would suggest that you read more of the bible in that it’s clear that women are placed with high value. There are 32 notable women n the old testament and 15, including Mary, in the new testament. And the mother of Jesus? Colossians 3:19, Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Ephesians 5:33 , However, let each one of you love his wife as himself 1 Corinthians 11:11, Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not… Read more »