Martin Luther King had a dream of equality and justice. On a day when we celebrate these freedoms, Thomas Fiffer asserts our right to rage-free relationships.
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Rage is everywhere.
Last fall in Manhattan, a bunch of bikers assaulted a driver in front of his wife and daughter.
Just after new year’s, a man crossed the line from Maryland into Pennsylvania, driving 15 miles to shoot another motorist to death.
And last week, a retired cop with a gun shot and killed a man because he was texting in a movie theater.
Unfortunately, there’s no such thing as passive resistance to rage. You’ll end up dead. Your choices are – fight or run.
Rage is out there – in the car, on the road, in the theater, but rage is also in there, inside our lives, inside our homes, inside our relationships.
One phrase rage victims often hear when their attacker strikes is, “I have a right to be angry.”
Just writing those words gives me chills.
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Abusers often say those words, or similar ones, before battering their partners. Before blowing peace to pieces and tearing harmony to shreds, before sending shrapnel flying in every direction and causing grievous, unforgivable wounds, before taking aim and shooting right between the eyes, before injecting venom that freezes the blood and stops the breath cold, before stabbing the heart of the relationship so many times there’s nothing left but a bloody pulp. Before burning hope to ash and leaving nothing but an emotional wasteland.
Abusers say, “I have a right” to justify their behavior, to make rage out to be rational and normal, a logical consequence of something their victims did to them.
“You left the dishes in the sink, so I held your head under the faucet.”
“You didn’t have dinner ready, so I smashed up the kitchen.”
“You talked to your sister, so I strangled you with the phone cord.”
This is no different from the following.
“You gave me a dirty look, so I cleaned your clock.”
“You cut me off, so I chased you down.”
“You texted, so I shot you.”
Another favorite line is, “You brought this on yourself,” because abusers are determined to make their act of rage your fault.
Really. Did you ask to be beaten, or raped, or emotionally eviscerated, to have your deepest vulnerabilities turned against you?
Did you ask to have love and affection withheld?
Did you ask for your every move to be monitored?
Did you ask to be held under another’s domination and control?
And did you ask to live under the threat of violent rage if you try to change any of it?
Just when did you put in your requests for that?
Here’s something we need to understand. Rage is not rational, normal, or logical. And rage is never a consequence of anything you did.
Never.
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Rage is the consequence of another person’s inability to manage anger.
Anger is an emotion. At times, we all feel it. We’re entitled to our emotions, and anger is just as valid as bliss. But rage is a reaction, an uncontrolled, uncontrollable, and always unjustifiable reaction. And abusers conflate rage with anger, because they can’t distinguish between the two.
No one is ever entitled to rage. Ever.
Rage is white-hot and toxic. Rage is salt poured on an open wound. Rage is the cruel twist of a poisoned knife. Rage is . . . demonic. Rage doesn’t care about the suffering it causes or the damage it leaves in its wake. Rage is also an unhealthy attempt to self-soothe. Think about it – the raging person is trying to make him or herself feel better by hurting you. How sick is that?
So here’s your new Rage-Free Bill of Rights.
Repeat after me:
- I have a right to be respected.
- I have a right to peace.
- I have a right to say what I do and don’t want to do with my body.
- I have a right to be left alone when I ask.
- I have a right to an equal say in a relationship of partners.
- I have a right to see my friends and family when I want.
- I have a right to harmony in my home.
- I have a right to raise my children with non-violent discipline.
- I have a right to pursue my passions.
- I have a right to feel safe in my sanctuary.
- I have a right not to be someone’s emotional – or physical – punching bag.
- I even have a right to be wrong – and to be forgiven – in the context of love.
My abuser does not have the right to abuse me.
Being with me is not a right.
Being with me is a privilege.
Repeat after me:
I will walk away from rage.
I will walk away from abuse.
I will walk away from . . . you.
Photo public domain : Wikimedia Commons
The raging abuser tries to pass their actions off as righteous. Through rage they attempt to defeat their own past victimizations, but instead, they only perpetuate the violence. Help defeat the cycle. Read this article and walk away from the violence. Show your abuser how it’s done, and peacefully walk away.
Yes. There is righteous indignation and righteous anger but no such thing as righteous rage.
Nice work, Thomas.
Thanks, Mark. My hope is to keep framing this issue as everyone’s problem instead of just someone else’s.