You think you’re doing right by her. You think you’re being a hero— but you’re really just hurting both of you.
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…It’s Friday night. The boys and you had been planning a get together this week and tonight is the night. Your girlfriend asks you halfway through the day if you could come to dinner with her and her parents. She doesn’t know you have plans, because you didn’t tell her. The last you knew she was going to dinner without you, so you made plans.
You weigh the two choices and realize that instead of fighting with her, instead of upsetting her and and making her mad at you for not going, you’ll just go to dinner— but you won’t be happy about it because you had plans. So you go to dinner, and for the most part, it’s a pleasant evening. You’re not the most chipper person, but she should appreciate that you chose to do this for her instead of being with your friends as you had planned.
The night goes on, and tension between you two is rising. She knows you don’t want to be there and she is getting frustrated with your attitude. You have put her first and now she is angry— ‘what does she have to be angry about!?’ You think to yourself, catching a sidelong glance of agitation from her. The night concludes and you two depart. Immediately an argument ensues.
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What is wrong with this scenario?
Was she at fault for asking him to abandon his friend’s last minute, or even expecting him to? Was he at fault for having an attitude all night? Was she at fault for getting angry with him? Was he at fault for being angry with her?
Our emotions govern us; it is up to us which emotions we allow to take precedence, because it is with those emotions that our decisions our made.
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Everything is wrong with this scenario; but the truth is, we function just like this on a daily basis. Many of us have poor communication skills. Our relationships are governed by negative emotions; WE are governed by negative emotions— anger, spite, loneliness, jealousy, pain. We let these choose our words instead of our love and our compassion.
It is said that people make decisions for one of two reasons. I reference this often, as it is a universal truth that helped me to understand the human condition many years ago. When we are faced with a decision, we either choose to do something because we desire it, or we choose to do something else because we fear it.
Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, our emotions govern us; it is up to us which emotions we allow to take precedence, because it is with those emotions that our decisions our made.
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Let’s man-alyze this: Where was his first mistake?
If you said ‘having a bad attitude’, you’re wrong.
If you said ‘choosing to go to dinner’, you’re wrong.
When we don’t commit to our decisions, we are left continuing to question ourselves. We let our negativity rush in and fill all the cracks where our certainty should be, and we let it fester.
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His first mistake, before and above everything else, was in not communicating that he had prior plans. Had he told her that, she may not even have asked him to go. But, for the sake of this point, let’s say he was honest with her, and she still wanted him to go.
How is the situation different now that he has been open with her and they both know what the options are? He will be less inclined to get defensive and feel cornered, because he doesn’t feel guilty for keeping something from her. Honesty frees us from our guilt; and in that, he may realize that he wants to spend more time with her. Not being consumed by our negative emotions allows the positive emotions to fill us.
His second mistake, after his poor communication, was in choosing to ‘suck it up and just go.’ That attitude is never going to bring about a positive outcome.
When we choose to put her first, we have to really choose to put her first. That means committing. That means when you make a decision, don’t half-ass it, fully make the decision. (This assumes that you have good communication and there is nothing left unsaid)
When we don’t commit to our decisions, we are left continuing to question ourselves. We let our negativity rush in and fill all the cracks where our certainty should be, and we let it fester. That is why he had an attitude, that is why he wasn’t first and foremost happy to be spending time with the woman he loved, that is why he spent the whole night upset at how selfish she was being, and how him choosing her wasn’t enough for her.
This entire situation was a problem created from almost nothing; from unspoken words. “Hey honey, the guys want to get together Friday night. I know you have dinner with your parents.” “I’ve actually been thinking that I want you to come with me, I just didn’t think you’d want to go… I know my parents aren’t your favorite people.” “They aren’t, but if it’s for you… if it’s for us, I can reschedule with the guys.”
EVERY TIME you don’t choose to do something out of love or desire, and you do something out of fear— you are hurting your relationship.
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Of course, it won’t go exactly like this; but from experience, being open and honest is the only way to be.
Every time you don’t commit to a decision. Every time you put her first just to be the guy who puts her first. Every time you do something for her because you want to say you did something for her. EVERY TIME you don’t choose to do something out of love or desire, and you do something out of fear— you are hurting your relationship.
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How to recognize that you are going this:
Sometimes it’s hard to know. Sometimes we grow unhappy in a relationship and we don’t realize why. “We fight all the time. I don’t know what’s wrong… but something is off.” To recognize the signs is to start living your life a different way.
To understand and appreciate this idea, you must first do one thing. Love yourself. You have to understand how she loves you, why she loves you, why she wants you for all these things. You have to acknowledge your faults and be honest— not only with her, but with yourself. If you are having issues deciding whether you want to go to dinner with her and her family, or spend a night with your friends, then you probably aren’t as committed to this girl in the first place and should tell her that. Sometimes you just need a break, and should also tell her that— because she is human, and she will feel the same as you do in these situations.
Knowing your intentions is key.
Intention and action are two very important factors we consider in judging a person. Subconsciously, we analyze even those closest to us all the time. We need to understand how we are feeling so that we can make the best decision with the best intention.
Learn about yourself. Find out the real reason you are doing the things you are doing, and if the answer is out of fear— if the answer is because of a negative emotion… then it’s time to change what you’re doing.
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Photo:Flickr/ Darin Kim
Whole lotta difference if 1, she knew of his plans in advance or, 2, didn’t. If 1, she’s asking him to bail on his friends, plans, and possibly a felt obligation to please her for something she didn’t bother to tell him was coming up. If he does, does he look like a wimp to her? An incremental deposit to the spineless account? If 2, two things are true. One is that they didn’t do what halfway intelligent people do and communicate plans, obligations, events, etc. Those should always be on the calendar immediately after making them so we don’t… Read more »
“At some point she does not have that right and if he stands up for his own plans, he’s standing up for himself.” Agreed, and that point is the time when she announces to her boyfriend that she is having dinner with her parents and does NOT ask him to attend. After that point then she should assume that her boyfriend is free to make his own plans with no obligation to inform her at all. Now to be sure it would be just common courtesy for the boyfriend to say something like ‘since you’re busy on Friday I’m going… Read more »
It’s only men who act badly according to The Good Men Project. Women get criticised for very little, especially shitty behaviour.
Okay, I get where the boyfriend could have avoided the conflict by clearing it with his girlfriend that since she was having dinner with her parents that he was going to hang out with ‘the boys’ that night. But that certainly doesn’t excuse the poor communication behavior of the girlfriend. If she really wanted to have her boyfriend accompany her to the dinner with her parents she should have expressed that wish when she told her boyfriend about her plans. That she didn’t express that wish to her boyfriend communicated to him that he was free to make his own… Read more »