Thomas Fiffer examines the earthquake that strikes when a relationship breaks apart, and the subtle, subterranean shifts that precede it.
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I wrote on Facebook this morning: “Sometimes we leave not when we suddenly discover we love another more than our partner, but when we gradually realize we cannot love our partner enough.”<p
When the earthquake of departure arrives, we perceive a seismic shock, but the shifts have been happening under the surface, imperceptibly, for months, even years.
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When the earthquake of departure arrives, we perceive a seismic shock, but the shifts have been happening under the surface, imperceptibly, for months, even years. The earth doesn’t move, the split doesn’t suddenly occur with no precursors the day we decide to act, or when we find ourselves on a path, taking irreversible steps, doing things we know will lead us to where the decision will be made for us. It’s been coming. And we’ve either been in denial, or we haven’t been aware of it.
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Perfect unity in relationships is an illusion. Agreeing on everything is unhealthy, and downright silly. Differentiation, each partner growing in his or her own direction, is the necessary and beneficial outcome of being with someone who challenges as well as supports, stands firm instead of always accommodating, and speaks his or her mind openly instead of advancing an argument, sniping, sabotaging, and trying to effect or avoid change through passive aggression or stubborn resistance. There is always, must always be, a measure of distance between partners.<p
It is when the chasm grows too wide for outstretched arms to reach across, too uneven to step or leap over safely, and too deep to risk falling in, that things finally fall apart.
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It is when the chasm grows too wide for outstretched arms to reach across, too uneven to step or leap over safely, and too deep to risk falling in, that things finally fall apart. The cause of this, I believe, is inevitably the failure of one or both partners to express their deepest, most personal unmet needs, whether those needs involve demands we desperately long to place on our partner or demands we desperately need help placing on ourselves. The chasm also manifests itself when one partner evolves, rises if you will, to a higher spiritual, emotional, or psychological plane, and finds he or she can no longer connect with the other. In either case, these changes transpire over time.
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To achieve happiness in love, the heart, must be cranked up to full power, operating at maximum force, beating like there’s no tomorrow, squeezing every drop of love into every moment of every day.
The earthquake, then, is not the shift or disconnect, but the realization that we can no longer bridge the chasm, that our fingertips are no longer touching, that no matter how far we stretch, we cannot make them meet. Almost always, one partner sees and accepts this before the other, who remains in denial for a while, clutching at straws to extend his reach a bit further, willing to sacrifice herself for the sake of the relationship. For the partner who is aware, the choice is clear: certain death by falling into the chasm, or a new and different life by turning away. The need to be all in, the ultimate need, becomes larger and more compelling than the need to fall in.
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Love is the freedom to give everything we have, all of it, every last drop, to share our life blood with our partner, knowing that everything we give flows through and back again.
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Love is not about sacrifice, though we will always make sacrifices for our partners. Love is the freedom to give everything we have, all of it, every last drop, to share our life blood with our partner, knowing that everything we give flows through and back again. Anything less equates to a permanent vegetative state, stasis with no hope of growth, keeping the relationship on life support. Love is when we find the courage to rip our beating heart from our chest, to stare wide-eyed at the size of the wound, to experience the miracle of freedom from pain, and to place our heart in the gentle hands of our partner for a magical, endless moment, so together, we can hear the siren as we feel the earth move under our feet and marvel at the life force of love, the love force of life, see the synchronicity of beats, and sign our names before returning our hearts to their rightful owners.
Previously published as Seismic Shifts on the Tom Aplomb blog.
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Thank you for all the well written articles that you share.
Love is not about sacrifice, though we will always make sacrifices for our partners. Love is the freedom to give everything we have, all of it, every last drop, to share our life blood with our partner, knowing that everything we give flows through and back again.
Well put. Thank you.