Joe Samalin explains that when men stay silent in the face of street harassment, we send the message that we are allies of those who commit it.
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I have worked in their neighborhood for almost two years now and still don’t understand them. Their culture, dress, and mannerisms are so different from my own I’m uncomfortable around them. When I leave work to grab lunch they are often outside, too.
Young, white men in power suits, hair slicked back, smoking cigars. I don’t know if they are traders, bankers, or hedge fund managers, but the first time I noticed them it was like scene out of ‘Wall Street’ (which makes sense since I work around the corner from the New York Stock Exchange).
I first really noticed them about a year ago. A young woman left their side of the street and walked towards me as I crossed past her to go buy some peanut M&M’s. As she crossed the street their loud, sexually graphic comments about what they would like to do to her followed her as she walked on. The comments weren’t necessarily for the woman’s benefit – they were for each other and any other men around.
This is one truth of street harassment – it’s often done to “prove” our masculinity publicly – to ourselves and to other men (and women).
I don’t harass women in public or anywhere else. Most of the men that I know don’t either. As a straight, white, cisgender male I also have the privilege of not being harassed regularly in public. No brutality of a stop-and-frisk, no homophobic or transphobic bullying and violence. None of the pervasive and daily harassment of women and girls in public spaces touches me. In fact, I have never been harassed in public as far as I can remember. And I know writing that sentence is a slap in the face to the many women, folks of color, and LGBTQI friends and family I am blessed to have in my life.
However while I choose not to commit street harassment and am not harassed myself, I have been involved in street harassment a lot. Men harassing women in public seek me out in the moment to join in with them as they ogle, motion to, or catcall women. Or to defend them and have their back the (rare) times when they get called out by the women they target.
It’s (almost) unbelievable. Strangers (men) assume I will have their backs and support their violent (yes, violent) behavior towards women and girls in public. They expect me at least to turn a blind eye, and at best to stand right by their side.
Why?
Because most men ignore it. We excuse it, minimize it, and defend it. With a miniscule amount of effort we could acknowledge the reality of street harassment around us. From Wall Street to any street, street harassment is everywhere. And every one of us who chooses to ignore it or stays silent is complicit in it.
If I don’t speak up and out against street harassment my silence gives men who do it tacit approval to keep on keeping on. I give them my voice and allow them to speak for me.
♦◊♦
I recently asked a few guy friends of mine if they knew any ‘hotspots’ of street harassment, areas where it happens not once, but was unrelenting.
Albery Abreu, a friend from the Bronx who has been addressing men’s violence against women since he was in high school told me about neighborhood parks.
“Throughout the years I’ve witnessed an absurd amount of street harassment occurring when women/girls walk down the block where the basketball courts are. Boys stand behind the gate and whistle/holler/bark/shout/etc. at girls walking past. Some even leave the courts to run up to women to get their attention. I recall my sister telling me that she dreaded (and avoided as much as possible) walking on the same blocks as the baseball fields and basketball courts, even if there are only a few men and boys playing there.”
Dan Wald, a former board member of Students Active For Ending Rape is finishing up a degree in public health at an Ivy League school and told me “Our school has a break between the main campus and the medical campus, where there are some stores and people hang out. I remember last fall [a female friend] texting me that they wished I was with them” as they walked between campuses.
Gene A. Johnson, Jr. a professional mediator and facilitator of educational classes on masculinity blew my mind with this 4Square screen capture. Gene did not even need to leave his house to find street harassment.
These guys and others helped me better see how much energy we as men put into the lies of ‘it doesn’t happen (that often)’, ‘it doesn’t happen in this neighborhood’, ‘it’s not that serious’, etc.
Street harassment of women and girls happens everywhere men are present. Not because we all do it, but because we aren’t doing enough to challenge it.
Back to Wall Street. That day those men harassed the young woman, I turned around and hollered at them to cut it out. Their reaction? Straight confusion. They did not seem to understand the situation, couldn’t grasp the concept that I – one of them – was calling them out. They assumed I was an ally. And when we as men stay silent in the face of street harassment, that silence sends the message that we are allies of those who commit it.
Originally appeared at Stop Street Harassment
Joe Samalin and Stop Street Harassment are not affiliated with the Good Men Project. Copyright: Joseph Samalin. All rights reserved. Reprints or reposts with the permission of the author.
What will it take for GMP to stop marginalizing male victims?
In all seriousness, there is no such thing as street harassment. All that it is, another way to label and criminalize Black and Latino men. This is the new stop and frisk.
http://www.mainlinepub.com
In all seriousness, there is no such thing as street harassment. All that it is, another way to label and criminalize Black and Latino men. This is the new stop and frisk.
http://www.mainlinepub.com
Wrong. An article that presents only one genders experience of violence, be that street harrassment, sexual violence, domestic violence or any other type of violence does marginalise the other gender. Particularly when those articles are part of an orchestrated pattern of publication that deliberately draws attention to the victimisation of one gender while deliberately omitting to mention the victimisation of the other. It is a lie of omission. This article, like so many thousands before it, is part of the wider feminist campaign that seeks to portray men as the exclusive perpetrators of violence and women as the exclusive victims.… Read more »
I am a 47 year old man who has lived in 2 major metropolitan cities and an assortment of rural centres. In all this time I have witnessed harassment of women once. On the other hand I have experienced harassment at least 6 times, twice by women, and been assaulted in the street twice. Is harassment wrong? Of course it is. Should we stand up against it? Of course we should. SO I will. I object to is the way this article harasses men by telling them they are complicit in crimes they are not committing, and marginalises the violence… Read more »
Lets clear something up quick. A man specifically addressing men about the street harassment of women does not marginalize other men who are victims of street harassment simply by not addressing that perspective at the same place and time where another perspective is being highlighted. A woman specifically addressing other women about the positive ways they can treat men does not marginalize other women who want to also be treated well by men. An article that talks about sex crimes against boys not not marginalize sex crimes committed against girls just by not mentioning sex crimes against girls at the… Read more »
People do not have to respond to articles in the manner you see fit Erin. I am offended by the lack of mention of how men are harassed in this article and I have a right to express that.
@ Adam Blanch
One of the things I would caution against is stating the number of times I witnessed street harassment of women. There is a very good reason why I remember the times I was harassed and the two times I intervened in harassment of women. In each of these instances, I was personally involved. I’m pretty sure that I’ve witnessed other instances of street harassment against women. I’ve just relegated them into the not important enough to devote long term memory space to portion of my brain.
John, it is a simple fact that men bear by far the greater burden of street violence. ( out of 10 men will experience social violence against them, compared to 3 out of 10 women.
@ Adam Blanch I know first hand what you mean. I don’t know if I still have the scar, but I was a little slow on a knife when fighting a few guys in my late teens. I have two friends who were shot and know a couple other guys who’ve been. That doesn’t even count the number of non-weopon fights I’ve personally been in. I have friends who were ex-gang members who’ve told me of the violence they experienced and the violence they committed. I don’t discount what they’ve said just because I didn’t witness it. It’s not less… Read more »
that’s 9 out of 10 men
I wonder if the reason some guys don’t support walk a mile in her shoes more aggressively is because at some level we perceive ending street harassment as somehow an admission that we can’t defend our women, which we can’t. You can walk a woman to her car or home as many times as you want, but you can’t be there all the time. Maybe the solution is convincing men that ending street harassment is defending our women. It’s a reflection of masculinity rather than an admission that you’re not man enough. Just a thought.
I’ve intervened in street harassment of women twice in my life. Once when it was directed at a friend I was with and the other time I was on a bus. A man was harassing the woman who sat across him. It was uncomfortable for me and I believe probably everyone else on the bus. This went on for about 15 – 20 minutes. No one did anything including me. Then the person sitting next to her got off the bus. I had this sudden fear that he was going to sit next to her and she might get molested.… Read more »
“She had just gotten her hair done. As we’re walking down the street a man standing in front of us calls out to her, “Hey you with the nice hair”. Of course, I start stroking my hair and say “Oh, thank you”. He has this completely shocked and aghast expression on his face as we pass him.”
LOL. That’s great. I love that. You defused the situation well there.
“And every one of us who chooses to ignore it or stays silent is complicit in it.” Very moving, powerful thing to say. Very powerful argument to try to rally allies against street harassment. Probably pretty effective for some men. Is this statement actually true? No. Give it just a little bit of critical reasoning or logic and it falls apart quite easily. Let’s say it is true. Let’s say *everyone* who ignores harassment is complicit. That means that women who ignore harassment are also complicit in it. If a man catcalls you and you say nothing, then by this… Read more »
@ Steve When men complain that there are no DV shelters for men, I’m often told that then men should build them. When something bad happens to women, I’m told that men should do something about it. Then when and if men do lead the charge, the complaint is why are men always in charge. It does seem tiresome, doesn’t it. .I’ve related how when I was younger, I was “catcalled” by women too. That was one of the reasons I didn’t consider it a serious thing because I thought my experience was the same as the experience of the… Read more »
@Steve If a man catcalls me, I may or may not respond depending on how I feel it would endanger my life. Sometimes I let it go because saying something would likely worsen the situation and put my safety at risk or provoke sexual assault. It doesn’t mean I’m complicit; it just means I’m self-preserving. When I see other women being harassed by men, especially my girl friends, I tend to have a pretty visceral reaction and intervene. I think it’s natural for humans to want to protect each other from harm. I suppose the sometimes over focus on gender… Read more »
So if it leads to a altercation and a guy gets beaten or killed…… What then? Really, what?
I do not think Joe would want you to put yourself in danger. The example he gave was on Wall Street.
Be reasonable. I think that’s a given.
That being said, if YOU feel like you’re in danger, how must the woman (who is, statistically likely smaller than you) feel, and what can you do to assist, if not call the guys out?
awesome, yet another article on this site blaming men for things that they don’t do. “And every one of us who chooses to ignore it or stays silent is complicit in it. If I don’t speak up and out against street harassment my silence gives men who do it tacit approval to keep on keeping on. I give them my voice and allow them to speak for me.” you realize this is insane right? no one speaks for me except me. I don’t speak up about the million atrocities that take place all over the globe. that does not mean… Read more »
In high school, I walked home past a park where a group of teenage boys hung out everyday. They would follow and taunt me, something that’s not appropriate ever, but which was even worse for someone as painfully shy and sexually inexperienced as I was at that age. My walk home was a long one, made longer by the detour I began to take to avoid them. It’s an experience that still makes me burn with anger and shame today. Zodak, I understand that it must be frustrating to be accused of being complicit in acts that you would never… Read more »
@ MM
There is a lot of power in laughter. A friend told me the story of how she was walking down the street and a man jumped out, pulled open his coat and exposed himself. For some reason, her response was to start laughing. She couldn’t explain why she wasn’t afraid and thought that was hilarious. He closed his coat and ran off in shame. I don’t feel sorry for him in the least, but when a woman sees your penis, laughter is not the reaction you want to get.
@zodak “Silence in the face of injustice is complicity with the oppressor.” – Ginetta Sagan. It’d be ridiculous to posit that we have to speak up for all atrocities at ALL times. But I don’t think it’s wrong to say that it’s good to speak up when injustices occur right in front of you (if you believe it would help/as long as you are not putting yourself or someone else in danger). Perhaps this article focuses on street harassment of women in general, but as a woman I can think about other instances where I would be at fault if… Read more »
I have been whistled at/kissy-noised at numerous times….I have had this experience even with my husband and son close by…interestingly enough, when I walk closer to my husband/son, it usually quiets down….I think next time I will have to document the creep with my smartphone camera and yell back…that is no way to treat a wife and mother or any female for that matter out on the street….what is wrong with these men?
LOVE! this article. I have male friends that have yelled and catcalled at women in my presence and when I got mad they literally didn’t understand the issue with it. I love that you brought up that this is probably because most men really haven’t been on the other side of this issue. We need more people like you willing to speak out against this!