Charles Orlando explains that violence against women is not innate to masculinity, but rather something taught.
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Violence against women is unfortunately everywhere—worldwide and cross-culturally. Verbal, physical, sexual abuse is in the news on a nightly basis. And although we know it’s not right, we have become desensitized, having been inculcated with messages that violence against women is just part of the the way life is. We give the headlines and news reports less weight, sometimes even placing the blame on the victims. This attitude is, in so many ways, enabled and monstrously encouraged by society, by men, and by women themselves. The worst part: Most people are unaware of it.
To gain an understanding of where this shift in attitude happens, we should take a look at men and women before they grow up; before they form their opinions and outlooks on male/female relations and relationships.
Societal Influence
The detrimental mentality starts early, and is encouraged silently. In addition to family environment—which is highly individualized and filled with imperfections and influences—much of the issue starts as young kids branch out into society: primary school. Boys and girls try to find their way with male/female dynamics, experiencing attraction when they aren’t mature enough to recognize the feelings as romantic interest. They play chase and tag on the playground; try to catch each other, innocently imitating the courtship behavior that will come later in life. But things aren’t always so cute and cuddly. Give our young heroes/heroines a bit of time, and you will find boys exhibiting their testosterone-laden traits of strength and dominance. They will get physical: pushing girls to provoke, hitting them to conquer, verbally teasing them with insults, and mentally dominating them to illustrate the control they have of their domain. And the girls start down one of three paths:
- They ignore it. There isn’t a real way to ignore this behavior, although many women falsely believe they are empowered in doing this. In reality, the insults and negative statements do get in. And by “ignoring” things, these girls are actually taking/accepting this behavior. In turn, girls learn that they are the subordinate gender regardless of their intelligence, their drive, their spirit, their wit, or their gifts. Later in life, these girls (now women) can end up internalizing this behavior as what’s normal, and that they deserve it.
- They fight back. They stand up for themselves, but so often this becomes a way for women to embrace too much of their masculine side—and there becomes an unbalancing of their feminine side. They fight, resulting in unintentionally sacrificing their compassion, empathy, and nurturing side. Many times, this gets internalized that all men are bad, and in extreme cases—with enough damage taken—these girls become haters of men as they become adults.
- They shift it. As the more social of the genders, girls learn to navigate these muddy waters in a variety of ways: Using their smarts to negotiate out of the situation, or (later) using their sexuality to feel loved instead of abused and worthless. By using sensuality, many women learn that promiscuity can result in feelings of being wanted/desired… but not respected long-term.
Can these girls change paths? Of course. But it can be challenging to undo what’s been learned once the pattern is reinforced… and it’s usually reinforced right away.
If a young girl goes to a teacher to complain about a boy hitting her, one of the most common responses is also the most damaging: “He’s doing that because he likes you.” And in that one simple phrase, so many girls end up learning that when a boy hits you, he is showing love.
But boys certainly have their side of this situation to deal with, as well, and are blasted with a set of messages at the same young age:
- “Boys don’t cry.”
- “Stop whining. You sound like a girl.”
- “Take it like a man.”
- “You throw like a little .”
The message, of course, is clear: Girls are weak, whiny, uncoordinated complainers, and boys should never want to be perceived as one. The real flaw of these messages/lessons doesn’t show until later in life. That’s when women want men to show emotion, be vulnerable, sensitive, and understanding, and exemplify empathy. But it’s challenging for many/most men, in that parents and societal pressures have worked hard to weed that behavior out of their repertoire—showing that these traits are weak, and weakness is for women.
REFLECTION: When a man doesn’t know how to be vulnerable, forthcoming with his feelings, and willing to share what bothers him… why is everyone so surprised?
The Influence of the Family Unit
I visited Disneyland recently. In one of the shops, I observed a brother and sister (she was approximately 7 years old, the boy about a year older) sitting on a bench waiting for their parents (who were only about six feet away at the cashier). The boy was messing with his sister—mocking, teasing… you know, sibling stuff. Then, it changed. She stopped reacting to his provocations, and he escalated things: He hit her in the head; full fist, half-swing.
Tears come, and she cries out, “You always hit me! Don’t hit me!” The young boy’s response? He hit her in the head again. With the additional commotion, the parents have now noticed that something is happening with their kids. The mom (who has seen the second punch connect) remains silent; stoic. The dad: “Megan! Be quiet!” The mom looks away, the boy smiles and mocks, “You always hit me…” Even without proof, the pattern of what was happening behind the scenes was obvious… and I couldn’t deal with it. The parents move towards the door, and me (being too nosey for my own good probably), knelt down next to the bench where the girl sat, quietly sobbing. With a soft voice—but one that I know her brother can hear—I said, “I had a mean brother when I was a kid, too. He used to beat me up… until I defended myself.” She stared at me, and recognizing I was running out of time, I quickly added, “It doesn’t make you wrong to defend yourself against mean people.” She stared at me—hurt, angry, confused. And with that, their father called for them and they left.
I didn’t want to tell her to hit him back (that’s not my place, nor did I know what punishment she would face later), but I couldn’t stand by and watch the spirit of a child—a spirit not yet fully formed, but learning her “place” under the men in her life—be crushed. It then occurred to me: This incident is potentially laying the foundation for this young girl to grow up and think that it’s okay to be hit. That the men she’s supposed to trust—who profess their love to her, familial or romantic—will choose to be violent and she will need to learn to cope.
Many boys have strong personalities, perhaps showing their Alpha traits at younger ages. Parents—specifically fathers—have a responsibility to curb that strength and channel it into behavior that is balanced, perhaps conducive to not becoming a 22-year-old assh*le in college that smacks his girlfriend for going out on a Saturday night “without permission”. This isn’t sexism or gender bias; it’s primal. Boys need a strong male figure to bump up against so they learn their limits and their place in society. Unfortunately, many family units are broken, with many single mothers doing their best to cover the duties of absentee fathers—or the reverse, with single dads trying to convey a nurturing side sans mom. This often results in an incomplete psyche, with many men trying to figure out a masculine/feminine balance on their own.
The Impact of Technology
But it’s not just divorced or absentee fathers/mothers that are changing relationship dynamics. With economic challenges running rampant, double-income households are much more commonplace—with technology and media taking the place of parenting. With this advent and rising use of technology—specifically social media—so many men and women (of all ages) lack the solid communication skills necessary to engage, build, and maintain a relationship. It’s Arm’s Length Intimacy: just close enough to let them think that they know you, but far enough away to ensure emotional distance and protection. This lack of intimacy shows itself in a variety of ways as kids become romantically involved as adults.
Two examples from a growing list:
- It shows in the courtship process. So many men don’t have a clear understanding of how to capture a woman’s attention. Today, they rely on online profiles and written communication (text messaging, email, chat) to do the heavy lifting of connection and intimacy. Women rely on the same technology, with many learning to accept how the man communicates as the New Normal of what it is to be courted (as they have never had a comparative model). The result is two people who make a mental investment over written communication, but who lack the skills to carry things through emotionally.
- Online Gaming has fundamentally altered our connection with consequences. We kill, maim, destroy, and pummel at our leisure, without the necessity or consideration for the impact. “It doesn’t matter… it’s just pixels on a screen.” However, this level of desensitization carries over to real life—which is why so many people can watch horrific scenes on the evening news and move on to The Tonight Show without feeling the slightest empathy for their fellow man.
In short, we have generations of people growing up with the internet as their teacher for everything from values to morals to sex. To think we can fundamentally alter our state of consciousness as regards interpersonal relations is more foolhardy than naïve.
The Pressures Of Pornography
Before we start down this path, allow me to get something out of the way: There is nothing wrong with porn. There are many cases of pornography helping relationships, with others viewing it voyeuristically for sexual entertainment, and still others making a comfortable living as actors in the world of adult entertainment.
And it is here that a central player in accepted violence against women is revealed. Today’s porn is not about sex, per se… it is about control. Today’s pornography offers no empathy, no compassion, no connection; just raw f*cking without the benefit of a kiss or mental connection. And in reviewing the history of pornography, it has likely always been that way. However, it has never been as readily available, or acted as a teacher for what people want/do in the bedroom.
But the problem isn’t pornography. The problem is how people internalize all the aforementioned issues and then turn it into an outlook on how women should be treated. Society creates the dilemma, women are then hurt and used, and everyone wonders why. By summarizing these experiences, it’s not a mystery that women are mistreated, abused, hurt, or raped. It’s highly predicable.
Men learn that:
- Women are weak—physically, as well as mentally.
- Women will accept abuse as normal.
- Women like (or will accept) anything that a man does to their bodies.
- Emotional investment or connection doesn’t matter.
Women are expected to perform, whether they want to or not: This message is given to men and women from a variety of mediums and is repeated and reinforced on a constant basis. It’s why some men feel they are entitled to sleep with women who aren’t interested. For example:
- Women dressed “wrong” should expect a man to violate her. If she wears a short skirt or a revealing top, a woman is “asking to be raped”.
- Women who drink too much are automatically inviting a man for sex. She let her guard down, so now he will follow-through on her silent invitation.
- Women who are promiscuous (or who simply enjoy sex without being in a relationship) should expect men they don’t want to sleep with to simply do it anyway. It’s the way it works. And besides, if she didn’t want to have sex, she wouldn’t dress in a way that showed her as sexy.
The overarching issue is not only a barrage of the wrong education/messages by the media and society, but also an attitude of entitlement on the part of some men. It’s well documented: Rape is not about sex… it’s about control. And, be it from society or porn or their families, men are receiving the same messages over and over and over again:
- Real men are in control.
- Real men are strong.
- Real men go and get what they want.
- Real men have control of their surroundings, including the people in it.
It gets worse. Society oftentimes punishes women who get hurt or violated. She “asked for it” so she “got what she deserved.” Victims are then shamed into believing they are “sluts”. And—back to the messages they received as young girls—it is somehow their fault. Only this time they aren’t just thinking it to themselves; the world around them is telling them that they brought bad treatment and abuse onto themselves… simply because they wore a short skirt and walked into a parking lot after dancing with the wrong guy in a nightclub.
The change needed is dramatic, critically needed, and dependent on simple realizations: Women need to wake up to the fact that their personal power is internal, and that their femininity, sensuality and sexuality is created from a sense of self-worth, not by seeking validation and desirability externally. As for the men? Men need to realize that true masculinity isn’t about who or what you control; that it emanates from who you can positively affect… not who you can coerce or force into sleeping with them.
It’s important to note that many of these issues have been around for a very long time. One or two of these issues doesn’t change our outlook of women, relationships, and sex. What is fundamentally altering our perception is the combination of these issues, and our lack of recognition/acceptance that it’s happening.
Bottom line: Real men don’t take. They receive what’s given freely based on mutual want. Anything else is without honor, without integrity, and without dignity.
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Originally appeared on Charles Orlando’s blog
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Photo: Flickr/Skott Khuu
Just wondering if abuse is about controlling environment, how does the shifting human relationship with nature affect or get molded by abuse. It seems like a feedback loop to me.
“Online Gaming has fundamentally altered our connection with consequences. We kill, maim, destroy, and pummel at our leisure, without the necessity or consideration for the impact. “It doesn’t matter… it’s just pixels on a screen.” However, this level of desensitization carries over to real life.”
Citation needed. There has never, to my knowledge, been a link between violent games and violent behavior- not one found through actual scientific methods anyway. At best gaming causes a temporary spike in aggression. But not this wide scale desensitization you’re claiming here. Less hyperbole, more facts please.
Charles, thank you! That was a brilliant article! And now I have a request of you… My request would be for you to ponder the effect circumcision has on boys… I was circumcised – yes, doctors used to cut little girls in Kansas, the US, Canada and the UK… for the same reasons they still cut boys… “cleaner, neater, cuter…” and I was MISOGYNISTIC to the hilt. I didn’t like girls, women – and especially my mother. Once I discovered what had occurred, as a hypnotherapist, I delved into my own healing. The men I know who were circumcised and… Read more »
Why are you an authority about violence against women? Have got personal experience of committing it? From my experience, boys learn the language of violence, by being beaten up frequently. Then as these boys get older and stronger they learn to use violence against others, both men and women. The things that you cite may affect the appearance of the violence, and the words that are said. But they learn to hit by being hit in the playground. The most effective strategy to reduce the number of violent men in our society is to protect boys from violence, so that… Read more »
Hi Charles You write ” There is nothing wrong with porn. …..But the problem isn’t pornography. ” Sure. There are lots if factors that influence us, porn is only one of them. But when you say that it is nothing wrong with porn then we are many that disagree with you. In today’s world we still have slavey, now it is called forced labour. And 2/3 of today’s slavey is forced labour in the sex industry. That means prostitution ,trafficking of men,women and children , pornography. Do you seriously mean there is NOTHING. wrong with porn ? To me it… Read more »
I’ve read through the article a couple of times. I think it represents an important effort to address some of the more difficult ways that men behave, but perhaps is focusing more on the symptoms than the causes. The article revolves around the action of the boy against his sister, and her response…and that of Charles and the parents. We would really need to know a lot more detail about the scenario regarding the parents, although Charles takes an extensive guess at all the possible reasons for what is happening. What is particularly interesting about this article – is the… Read more »
Hi Selena, your words ‘but there is far too much of restricting qualities to gender. Humans are far more fluid creatures than that. Everyone has the capacity to be dangerous, forceful, compassionate, emotional etc’ Said it all for me. After reading the by Charles, I felt quite disturbed – yet another clever opinion piece about what is stuffed up with men and all the hypotheses why. Recently after another ‘opinion piece’ I felt that if opinions were nutritious there would be no starving people. I did not have the energy to comment on Charles work, but after reading Selena’s words… Read more »
And how society has taught itself that men are not abused and need no assistance?
Take a clip of the video below. Maybe it’s time we start evening the playing field? After all, we have plenty of public service announcements, runs, charitable events, programs, books about male on female violence.
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/video-english-charity-advocate-male-domestic-abuse-victims-article-1.1805999
Hi, This was an interesting read and a good breakdown of the way we raise boys and girls and how damaging it all is. I have a couple things to add/question, though. For me and for many women I know, ignoring sexism is less about empowerment and more about both functioning and safety. Functionally, if we individually addressed every instance of sexism (every catcall, every time we’re talked down to, etc), most of us would never be able to get anything done. At least if you live in a city and walk around/use public transportation and then go either to… Read more »
I agree with Sophie. It’s well written and highlights many issues in the right way and the examples used are spot on but there is far too much of restricting qualities to gender. Humans are far more fluid creatures than that. Everyone has the capacity to be dangerous, forceful, compassionate, emotional etc
I agree with Sophie…what exactly do you mean that women lose their empathy and compassion when they become too masculine, while they try and protect themselves from boys hitting them. I hit back when in grade 3 as I had other girls not boys, wanting to fight with me. It was the strangest thing! It wasn’t that I was aggressive, it was because I was quiet and clearly mysterious to them, because in my little world, I was a victim of sex abuse within my family. But the point is, I am perhaps one of the most empathetic, compassionate and… Read more »
@Peta — The next two sentences in the same paragraph rounds out my concerns re: fighting back — “They fight, resulting in unintentionally sacrificing their compassion, empathy, and nurturing side. Many times, this gets internalized that all men are bad, and in extreme cases—with enough damage taken—these girls become haters of men as they become adults.”
Sorry, how does this round out your concerns? You’re still making the patriarchal and sexist assumption that women/femininity are passive and masculinity is aggressive – being unfair and restricting to both men and women. You’re also suggesting that women shouldn’t fight back in case they become “too masculine” which would lead to them being “haters” – this not only reinforces the ideas you’re debunking through this article but also suggests that women and girls should not defend themselves lest they be utterly unable to make the differentiation between a man and all men, and that being physically safe is less… Read more »
I’m sorry, Dan… *where* did I write that women shouldn’t defend themselves? I think you might be reading in a bit too far.
Hey Charles, thanks for responding, I’m hoping you can add some clarity here/to your article.
Your discussion about women defending themselves by fighting back lists a litany of negative outcomes regarding this behaviour, and suggest that women can and should change these paths (without providing an alternative). In my comment I’m pointing out that you create a negative correlation between fighting back/defending oneself and a series of outcomes that you also deem negative while perpetuating the same gendered ideas you so successfully rail against in the rest of a good article.
Hi Charles, thanks for responding. You describe women fighting back and then list a series of ‘negative’ outcomes after this. By correlating negative outcomes with an activity we express disapproval of that activity. You also suggest that women can and should change these ‘paths’, including fighting back (without providing an alternative by the way), further expressing disapproval of this course of action. The issue here is that you’re writing about how men are raised to be aggressive but you’re making the same assumptions yourself – that to be masculine is to be aggressive and that to be feminine is to… Read more »