Chris Anderson explains the ways people unfairly dismiss victims of violence and trauma, and offers 3 tips for supporting survivors.
“Pursue kindness over ideology. For a person whose suffering has been met with judgment, a sympathetic ear can make all the difference.”
Dr. Eli Finkel closes his recent op-ed in the NY Times on the trauma of parenthood with these simple and profound words. But I worry many people will fail to hear the true importance of the message.
More and more people seem unwilling to listen without an ideological filter, often political or religious. There is another filter that also gets in the way of kindness and sympathy: competing ideas about what constitutes masculinity. All three ideologies often combine to create a volatile cocktail that fuels social discord and political gridlock. Compassionate listening can be a powerful antidote to these problems. But there are many obstacles that complicate any effort to get men to listen more deeply.
Many males are raised in cultures where even talking about pain or abuse is considered unmanly. Males who respond publicly with compassion to the suffering of others are regularly taunted and belittled. Some men know too well that asking for help or protection can make them a target for bullying or even greater victimization.
At the other end of the ideological spectrum, few critics of modern masculinity actually make space for discussions of male victimization to occur. While critiques of patriarchal systems and male privilege are practically omnipresent, support and resources for male victims are virually impossible to find. For example, there is solid data suggesting that over 26 million males in the US are or will be sexually abused during their lifetime (see Table 2.2). Few, however, find safe audiences to listen to their experiences.
One common reaction to stories about male victimization is to deny outright the possibility that men can be victims. Others flip the claim on its head, turning pain into withering sarcasm (see Bill Maher’s “Lucky Bastard Syndrome” comments). This prejudice that males are not or cannot be victims contributes to the fact that, on average, male survivors delay disclosures of childhood sexual abuse for 20 years.
TRAUMA – IT’S EVERYWHERE
Over 60% of Americans (male, female, trans, or gender non-conforming) experience at least one significant form of childhood trauma and abuse. All of us go through painful times when we might feel scared, lost, and alone. The ubiquity of trauma and its catastrophic social costs demand a better response from us. Sadly trauma survivors are more likely to receive harsh judgments and victim blaming if they do speak up.
As a result it is not uncommon for a sense of self-blame and hopelessness to arise in those who have been hurt. Hopelessness can combine with the emotional scars of our traumas, metastasizing into a toxic mindset. Many victims who have not found safety and support begin to contemplate and engage in behaviors that are harmful to themselves and others. At the end of this path, some survivors are driven to suicide. And while it is extremely rare for a person to go this far, sometimes acts of self-destruction are accompanied in a blaze of violence that causes untold harm to innocent people. The fact that these incidents seem more and more commonplace should make us stop and question our response to trauma.
Can simply listening to someone who is in pain really make that much of a difference? Yes. Ask the parents of the children Antionette Huff saved. She stopped a potential massacre at a Georgia elementary school by giving the gunman the last thing he expected – compassion. The power of listening is at the heart of trauma-informed protocols in mental health. In much of the furor over public safety, we fail to acknowledge that listening is one of the most important – and underappreciated – tools we can use to protect ourselves and help those who are hurting.
Healthy social connections are a basic human need. When others hear and acknowledge the traumas we experience, we are not alone. Learning that others have endured and overcome painful experiences gives us hope. Hearing about the harms others experience provides important teaching moments – chances for us to learn of dangers and risks that must be addressed or avoided. The very act of speaking out about abuse is crucial to the pursuit of justice (which is one reason why we allow victims of harm access to the courts through civil suits). Unless those who have been harmed are heard, the people who hurt them will never be held to account.
HOW TO LISTEN
Although some men do know that sharing and listening to experiences of trauma and abuse are important, many of us struggle with knowing how to respond. The “real man” ideology commands boys and men to shun and avoid anyone who seems too needy or weak. This is one reason why so many men report having few friends.
So how can men do a better job of listening with more kindness and less ideology? Here are three simple suggestions:
1. Believe. – In far too many circumstances, men respond to trauma disclosures with hatred, disbelief, and scorn. Don’t be that guy. Coming forward is one of the hardest things for a survivor to do. The act of saying out loud that you have been harmed often puts a person at greater risk. This alone warrants giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Even if what you are being told strains the bounds of credulity, what does it cost you to receive it with compassion and support for the person who is hurting? Further, believing someone who tells you they have been hurt doesn’t obligate you to act, to reply, or even respond.
2. Don’t try to fix it. – If you don’t know when and how to perform CPR, better to seek out someone who does than to start randomly punching people in the chest whenever they cough. Many guys have an almost primal need to try and fix things. But unless you are trained and experienced dealing with the specific circumstances presented, the risk is too great that you could do more harm than good. What someone who discloses an experience of abuse or trauma often wants in that moment is the simple acknowledgement that they are not alone and that you will listen and thereby provide basic support.
3. Say “Thank you.” – Don’t demean someone who has been hurt with victim blaming questions. Don’t tell a child who has been bullied that they need to stand up for themselves. Don’t demand to know what a rape survivor was wearing. Don’t tell a child who was abused by a teacher that they were “lucky.” A person who tells you a painful story is giving you an invaluable gift – their trust. Don’t squander it by being an insensitive jerk. Say “Thank You” instead.
It can be scary, perhaps even painful, to listen to a survivor of trauma or abuse. There is a natural tendency to turn away from things that cause us distress. But the very act of listening is one of the most important acts of kindness we can provide someone who has been hurt. More, it can actually help someone heal. For example, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, says, “children who are listened to and understood do much better than those who are not. The response to the disclosure of sexual abuse is critical to the child’s ability to resolve and heal the trauma of sexual abuse.” The same is true for most other types of abuse and trauma in my experience.
Attacking ideologies we dislike is rarely effective. No one enjoys being told they are wrong. But listening without ideology to those who have been hurt can create healing change. Sometimes all a survivor needs to start of healing is knowing that they have been heard. Whether you are a husband, a dad or just a random dude on the street, compassionate listening is a model of masculinity that might seem alien, perhaps even unmanly. But trust me, it takes far more strength to hold someone up than it does to beat them down.
Photo: Flickr/ Some rights reserved by jessleecuizon
Definitely the best advice for anyone (not just men) who wishes to understand and reduce further harm to survivors of any abusive relationship. Thank you.
Thank you Leia, please help share it around!
“Don’t demean someone who’s been hurt with victim-blaming questions…”
So few people understand what survivors have undergone….that’s why so many don’t share their stories for the longest time…
Thank you for this article…many times it is not safe for victims to share their stories…
Frank, thank you so much for your comment. I’m glad to know that this resonated with you.
Chris
Indeed, it made a huge difference when I started to come across stories that hadn’t been taken out of context and blown out of proportion. There’s a huge range of experiences that the have tended to get compressed down to a tiny range and blown out of proportion.
Ultimately, a person is entitled to their feelings no matter what they are, and nobody should be pressured to change or stifle them to help a cause.
This is some of the best advice I’ve ever read on the subject. I’ve been abused in many different ways over the years. But, the way that it gets dismissed and if it isn’t dismissed they want to fix me like I’m broken is just wrong. Like most other people who were abused as children, all I really want from people is to know that I deserve to be treated humanely and that I have a right to control who does and doesn’t touch me. The advice you’re giving here is spot on. I know what happened to me, I… Read more »