Yashar Ali argues that calling a woman a “cougar” is neither progressive nor supportive of women.
I remember my first real exposure to seeing a woman referred to as a “cougar.” It happened when Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher went public with their relationship. Gossip magazines and talk shows were breathless with excitement about the pairing, and you couldn’t go anywhere without seeing some magazine or TV show dubbing Moore as a cougar.
(For those of you who don’t know, a “cougar” is slang for a woman who is over 40 and dates or sleeps with younger men. For those women who like to be called cougars, by all means, choose what you want to be called. However, I’m not supporting the term on a broader level).
Cougar is one of those words that is sold and packaged as being something of a liberation for women: “Oh look! We’re celebrating a sexually active and liberated woman! Go get em’ Demi, lasso that young buck!”
Oh gee, a woman over 40 can be attractive!? Aren’t we revolutionary.
Nope. Calling a woman a cougar is neither progressive nor supportive.
Cougar is a misogynistic, offensive term. Here’s why.
There is no male equivalent. We don’t commonly refer to a man over 40 who sleeps with younger women as a “tiger,” “lion,” or any equivalent animal reference. So, we have an imbalance. When an unnecessary disparity exists in language that’s sexist, that’s when misogyny creeps in and spreads like a virus, compounding the damage already done. Moreover, women aren’t animals and should never be referred to as such in a wholesale manner without their consent.
I also think it’s important to mention that “cougar” carries a connotation of predatory behavior. As if, A) the woman could only get the younger man by chasing after him like a rabid animal and B) the woman’s personality has no part in the relationship, that the guy she’s dating must only be with her so he can have wild, crazy sex or because she’s rich. Or C) where cougars are often portrayed in a desperate light, as if they have nothing better to do than “chase” after younger men. Yet the men in these relationships aren’t insulted or derided, even though they are adults who are consciously deciding to be in relationships with older women.
But the “cougar” designation funnels into a bigger point about the fact that we don’t really have widely-used terms for men in general that apply to their state-in-life or sexual desire. Especially not such insulting ones. But for women, we have a whole vocabulary of insults and labels like: “trophy wife” (a young, attractive woman who is married to an older, usually wealthy man); “MILF” (“Mother I’d Like To Fuck” — lovely); and the ever present “Gold Digger.”
You may ask, what about the term “sugar daddy?”
The term sugar daddy requires a specific set of actions. If you are a young man or an old man–it doesn’t matter. The term is related to a guy who can financially support his girlfriend–the guy actually has to do something extra to be called a “sugar daddy.” Furthermore, the term sugar daddy doesn’t insult a man in terms of his age. He’s not a sugar daddy because he’s older or younger, he’s a sugar daddy because he provides material stuff to the relationship.
On the other hand, cougar is an insult that reflects age. By simply being a older woman dating a younger man, without engaging in any extra action, that woman is always a cougar. It’s ageism at its worst. Sugar daddy is also viewed with less of a negative connotation–he’s the one with the power to support and buy stuff. Whereas the “trophy wife,” and the “gold-digger” are seen in much more negative light. They have no power or position, they are seen as stupid, desperate, and scheming.
And if you look directly at how the media portrays “sugar daddy” vs “cougars,” the difference is incredible. Male celebrities who marry women with less money and wealth are never publicly labeled as “sugar daddies.” Never. But plenty of female celebrities have been dubbed cougars.
We don’t have TV Shows called “Sugar Daddies,” (note: a show on a major network that has actually aired), but in our culture, we have at least three “cougar” shows from fiction shows like Cougar Town starring Courteney Cox to reality shows like Extreme Cougar Wives and The Cougar.
So here’s my point: men get to be men. They get to be human beings in the dating/romantic situation as well in all other parts of their lives. Women have to be labeled somehow because they can’t stand on their own.
So enough with the labeling. Women have the right to stand on their own, so let’s not feel the need to categorize them or name them.
I think we should start off by putting “cougar” to bed.
Originally appeared at The Current Conscience
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Photo: Cougar Town starring Courteney Cox on TBS
haha, we call those guys cradle robbers which sounds much worse!
How can dating someone younger be an issue in 2018? People are marrying same sex and even changing their sexbut they are celebrated. Besides, it’s almost always the younger man that’s chasing the older woman these days.
People keep saying there’s a term for guys too “silver fox” really? Ok how many times have you heard that word in a movie? Ad? Book? General social setting? The word cougar is used, promoted and recognized everywhere so stop acting like “silver fox” is an equivalent.
Actually, silver fox, or silver daddy is male equivalent. Please stop supporting a hyper sensitive society words only mean because you choose to believe just like painting are made valuable by those who think they are of value get a life.
Someone should feel sorry instead for those tremendous powerful creatures. The cougar doesn’t deserve to be compared to a saggy old spinster.
I just discovered this website and am extremely happy- proactive men speaking out about issues regarding gender inequality, misogyny and so forth. Unfortunately so many people misunderstand that formal equality means that society has evolved to a point where women are fairly equal, the reality for women in the private sphere is altogether a different reality and even in the public sphere this undercurrent of male entitlement is everywhere- especially where I live in Australia. Holy crap we need so many more men like you on this planet-I think I just died and went to heaven!
silver fox
I’m so incredibly grateful to read an article about this. You dont have to be in a relationship with a younger guy to have the label “cougar” dumped on your head – you can be single, happy, not looking (for anyone in particular, of any given age group) and happen to tell someone your age in a social setting: “Aw yeah, nice! A cougar!”… oh yay, a douchebag. Thank you for this piece. Im grateful.
What is so wrong with calling a “one of 4 pictographic separators in a deck of cellulose & plastic playing implements that is, usually, black, does not include three rounded lobes and is vaguely shaped like a digging implement” a spade?
Or better yet cougar life.com
Best GMP ad since Glock
http://pinterest.com/pin/232498399485135224/
So who came up with this term? Shouldn’t the fingers be pointed in that direction to begin with?
@Olive: There are many ways in which MEN (as a group) are treated badly by society. Wars, reproductive rights (in the US and Canada , they have none), even though there is way more violence against men than women, there are no special laws for them ETC But , look local, look at this site alone, find me a site for women, about women and to hear womens stories that would allow roughly 20 – 30% of the articles about MEN and how a large number of stories on this site just become about women. Though some are gone, they… Read more »
“stories that would allow roughly 20 – 30% of the articles about MEN”
Should be about WOMEN
Seriously, evryone treats this ‘Cougar’ thing like it’s something brand new. I can remember almost 30 years ago sitting in a bar with a couple of friends when an older, but very attracitive woman (Probably in her mid 40s or so) bought a drink for my friend Chris. Now Chris was really ‘Good Looking’, I meam , like fashion model good looking! Anyway,this woman , offered Chris an opportunity to be her ‘Kept Man’. She explained she was rich , as was her Husband, and he had his ‘Mistresses’, so she thought it only fair to have her equivelent. Now,… Read more »
Oh, give me an older woman every time, every time
Give me an older woman every time
They don’t tell, they don’t swell
And they’re grateful as hell
Give me an older woman every time!
(Many thanks to Benny Hill for that diddy)
I sometimes awe at how badly mistreated men are in society… Okay, enough of sarcasm since I’m not even good at it. Why is it so hard to recognize that society doesn’t treat women as well as men. I’m not saying there is one to one correspondence on every single derogatory term in the English language, but let’s face it… The sexes are far from being equal. I am a so-called cougar… I date younger men, who sometimes are significantly younger than me. I feel I’m treated with a lot more dignity by younger men anyways. I have never pursued… Read more »
“I sometimes awe at how badly mistreated men are in society… Okay, enough of sarcasm since I’m not even good at it.” Coming onto a site for men and snarkily balking at how badly men are mistreated, treating it like a joke is fucking insulting. Take a look through the articles, the millions dying in wars, the millions raped, beaten, abused, there is plenty of evidence on this site that men ARE badly mistreated in society and there is also plenty of evidence on this site that women are badly mistreated too. How about showing a lil respect and learning… Read more »
You obviously didn’t read the entire post, but that’s okay… I’m sure you’re one of the good men and I’m just something else.
@ Olive “Why is it so hard to recognize that society doesn’t treat women as well as men.” Why would you need to (if it’s true)? Wouldn’t it be better to just insist on everyone being treated with dignity unless of course the goal is something else? Some women try so hard to win the victim Olympics that I sometimes wonder if part of their victimization exists because they want to victims. This quite often also results in them failing to see when others are victimized or intentionally diminishing the suffering of others. I understand that you feel slighted by… Read more »
@ John Anderson I thought the article was about terms commonly used in the English language… I never mentioned physical mistreatment as I don’t feel the need to digress onto a separate subject. And no, I don’t feel slighted by men my age… Why would you assume that? It’s interesting that the conversations I have with the men I date don’t revolve around myself, the need for sex or the need for a relationship. They’re usually about subjects of common interest. I think this expression “fail to launch” is a bit acrid… Why do you feel you need to put… Read more »
Ahh yes, ““fail to launch”.”, to mean “he is not successful enough for me as a woman!” People worried about men playing too many games without realizing men are choosing themselves first sometimes instead of dumping all their energy into working for a big career just to look after a woman n kids. At the moment I’d rather spend my cash on my hobbies vs having a family.
Why is it so hard to recognize that society doesn’t treat women as well as men.
Because that doesn’t hold true in every measure. In some measures women are treated worse and some measures men are.
So, are we equal? And again, I was talking about terms as in cougar, silver fox, etc. I thought the battle of terms was diverting attention from the topic, but now it’s falling into the male disposability realm… Not saying it’s not an issue. But I’ll bite… Are older women treated better than older men in society? Does an ageing woman hold the same value as an individual than a man of the same age? Does an older man hold the same value than a younger man? Please understand that I’m just asking questions, and I would appreciate not being… Read more »
I thought the battle of terms was diverting attention from the topic, but now it’s falling into the male disposability realm… Not saying it’s not an issue. I myself don’t like how the topic was diverted but at the same time why did the diverting happen? Because the piece directly denies the way men are treated when it comes to the older people going after younger angle. The writer of the piece appears to be misinterpreting the sugar daddy phenomenon, doesn’t even mention silver foxes, and says that older men that go after younger women are not stigmatized (because apparently… Read more »
Your point is fair… The term ‘silver fox’ was mentioned in the comments though, and so were a number of different terms that I have never even used. Has someone ever called you ‘creepy old men”? I realize that this term has rarely come up in my conversations… I don’t particularly like referring to others with those words. However, I couldn’t tell you the number of times I’ve been called ‘cougar’ or ‘milf’ right at my face, much less tell you the number of times that people have talked about me with those terms. Maybe there should be another article… Read more »
Assuming we want to talk about it labels that affect men, as my understanding being this is a site biased toward the discussion of mens’ issues – but I may be wrong, why don’t we spend a little time talking about how the media portrays the modern male. At the risk of sounding overly-sensitive, we silently accept television programs and commercials that often portray males as incompetent, bumbling idiots incapable of performing basic household duties alongside the wife/girlfriend, and unable to make the correct choice or decision; only to be saved by the wife. I am sure there are commercials… Read more »
It’s true that there are no ‘animal-based’ terms to describe older men dating young women. The terms that are actually used–starting with ‘pathetic’–are much harsher, but who cares? It’s All About the Wimminz here!
Oh wait… this is the wrong site for that. Isn’t it?
“Dog” is the phrase that sprang to mind when I first encountered protest at the word cougar. Others have covered the rest pretty concisely. I dont see why people have so much problems with these names, they are simply inoffensive shortcuts. We could certainly read more into any of given name. “Stag” (“Bucks” in Aussie, i believe) – Known for futile butting of heads to chase a female “Dog” – Obedient to the point of self abuse “Fox” – Cowardly creature that kills for pleasure “Rat” – Lives in the guttter and eats shit “Pig” – ’nuff said But of… Read more »
It’s Bull in aus, young bulls. Only time I’ve heard the word buck is from American hunting movies, etc.
Too many damn ozzie soaps in the UK! Sure I have heard the call it “Buck’s Night”, but then I have also seen them drink Fosters, so not reliable from an accuracy standpoint
Haha I haven’t seen a single can/bottle of fosters in 15 years. XXXX Gold, Tooheys, VB, Pure Blonde are the current beers. Usually I hear people call it hen’s night and bachelor’s party.
Here are some terms commonly used to describe men: dog (sexual desire with a bad connotation), pimpin (often used to describe fashionable with a tilt toward wealth), tiger (predatory), stud (being sexually desirable, available, and youthful), old fart / geezer (old, weak, incapable). Of course men are often referred to as animals to connote physical / athletic prowess and by extension connotes youth like stallion, thoroughbred because you know valuing men for physical strength is not damaging at all (that’s sarcasm). There’s an area in my town known as the Viagra triangle where rich old guys try to date young… Read more »
Do you even know what you’re writing? Two quotes from your article.
“but the “cougar” designation funnels into a bigger point about the fact that we don’t really have widely-used terms for men in general that apply to their state-in-life or sexual desire”
“lasso that young buck”
The term ‘silver fox’, while it does exist, is rarely used in our culture. “Cougar” on the other hand, is ubiquitous. Further, the “silver” clearly refers to a man in his 60’s or 70’s who is dating a woman much younger (30+ years) whereas “cougar” refers to a woman “over 40”. There is a huge disparity in those phrases; they are not remotely ‘equivalent’. A man in his 40’s dating a woman in her 20’s is unremarkable. If the older partner is a woman, the term “cougar”, as the article points out, the term paints her as both predatory and… Read more »
Not to mention they have much more ‘stamina’ and can rise to the occasion much quicker!
I’m not yet 30, but greying (and have no desire to dye my hair), and I’ve been told I was a silver fox, or am well on my way of being one, by multiple women. So, while I’m not nearly in the “equivalent” age group as the commonly termed ‘Cougars’, I don’t think you could say that only men in their 60’s & 70’s fall under that blanket term. I’ve also heard of women in their 30’s and 50’s be dubbed a cougar. While I’ll agree that the prevalent use of it isn’t near as often as that “god awful… Read more »
Yeah the one advantage I can see in dating younger men is that they can still have spontaneous sex instead of having to do it on a schedule, “sorry honey, those sexy undies are nice but we had sex Thursday so not again until Sunday”. – that gets frustrating for a woman!
God! I hope I never lose that spontaneity!!
Sex on Thursday, but not again till Sunday, How old are the men we’re talking about here?…LOL
Seems to happen to a lot of men when they reach their 40’s. The, um, equipment needs a longer and longer rest period.
On younger men dating older women, they’re called cubs. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cub I guess you just need some lessons in name-calling. But truth be told, I’m a younger male who has been dating a +40yo woman for nearly 2 years now. I “chased” her, if that matters. And while she’s been called a MILF and a Cougar, I’ve never labeled her as such. She’s a woman whom I found attractive and courted. I understand that you would like to limit societal use of dergatory labels, but a world of “political correctness” only limits imaginitive description. The intent behind the use of any… Read more »
I thought the male equivalent was “silver fox”.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=silver%20fox
@sara: With what you describe, you wouldn’t be referred to as a cougar: that is reserved for women who chase younger men without exception. And to a certain extent, most cougars probably are chasing their lost youth. @Yashar: Sorry man, but you couldn’t possibly be more wrong. Silver Fox, and Cradle robber come to mind when looking at terms that are similar but I would suppose that with your view, nothing will look similar. The funny part is that cougars are actually celebrated by society not are not denigrated in the way you describe. @editors; Does Yashar seen these comments… Read more »
As an unmarried woman over 40, I dislike the term “cougar” because it strikes me as somewhat derogatory. Maybe that’s just my personal reaction, but when I hear “cougar” I think of a woman who is desperately trying to hold onto her fading youth by chasing after younger men who are probably laughing at her behind her back. I know one woman who could qualify as a “cougar” and even though she is very attractive, she strikes me as kind of creepy. Don’t get me wrong — I like to dress fashionably and look sexy but I hate the idea… Read more »
This website wants to be so politically correct I find it difficult to keep visiting it.
What can possibly be wrong with the term cougar? One argues it’s too soft an animal, another it’s too predatory. Let women choose for themselves whether they want to adopt the term or not. I bet the majority would.
Stop bubblewrapping everything and everyone. It sucks the joy out of living.