“’A Few Good Men’ may have made a great title for a movie, but when it comes to describing the majority of the male population, it’s demeaning, sexist, and just plain wrong.”
As well as being a marriage and family therapist, I’m a writer. Because half of my practice involves working with men, I’ve written a fair number of articles in defense of them. Recently, I wrote a piece called, “A Proposal.” The piece describes a wonderful and defining moment in my life when my daughter’s boyfriend took the time to take me to lunch, express his love and devotion to my daughter, and ask for my blessings for her hand in marriage. He did the same with her father.
The comments to this piece surprised me. “Your daughter got one of the few good men,” “she got one of the good ones,” “my daughter found one of the few good men too.”
These pronouncements stood out to me like a slap in the face, not to me, but to men. How often do we hear this phrase thrown out like three-day-old garbage?
I read those comments and thought to myself, “How would women feel if men said this? What if I had written a piece about my son finding the right woman and the comments were, ‘Good for your son! He found one of the few good women!’”
See what I mean? The media, the culture, even many men themselves readily accept this phrase as if it’s the truth.
It’s not. Men love women, and they want to please them. Many of them will admit to being clueless and ask only for a roadmap, a set of instructions, or specific communication about what their woman wants.
Many men spend their lives in unfulfilling jobs, but they go to them without complaint and without expectation of recognition because it feels natural for them to do this for their family and the ones they love.
“A Few Good Men” may have made a great title for a movie, but when it comes to describing the majority of the male population, it’s demeaning, sexist, and just plain wrong.
—Photo marysecasol.com/Flickr
About Mary Kelly-Williams
Strictly speaking, the term comes from a Marine recruiting theme. It tells the reader that only a few are good enough for the Marines. Also, “the few, the proud, the Marines”.
Although having been in a different union, I can sympathize with Kipling’s speaker when he says, of the Royal Marines, “once in a while they can finish in style, which I hope it won’t happen to me”.
I don’t know when I first heard the term referring to somebody’s new husband, or a fiance. Always seemed part of the atmosphere.
Of course we’d be annoyed if the same were applied to women. But we’re talking about men, here. Who don’t generally give a rat’s ass about such things. There are more important things to worry about.
What you might want to do is talk to feminists, ’cause they really mean this crap.
Not that men really care.
I would agree with this if I didn’t have so many bad experiences with men who turned out to be just assholes with no other deep explanation, as I’m always trying to find one. There truly are very slim pickins, whether it sounds sexist or not. Hopefully Good Men Project can make more men come around.
Your attitude towards men dictates the men that you attract. We don’t enjoy the company of misandrists.
I am a military brat and I only associate that phrase with Marines. From my perspective, it refers to specific qualities and traits that I honestly don’t associate with most men in civilian life. I find it kind of annoying and disrespectful that people would use it in other contexts.
I think that this mentality is largely enforced by men themselves. As fathers they try to guard their daughters from other men… the implication here is that they don’t trust most other men “because they know what they are thinking.”
If the majority of men were trustworthy, would they not first trust each other? It really seems like they don’t. So either the majority of men are untrustworthy and in which case this ‘you found one of the good ones’ is true. OR… men are trustworthy but for the most part are not giving each other credit.
OR… men are trustworthy but for the most part are not giving each other credit.
I’m going with this but with a slight twist.
OR… men are trustworthy but for the most part are not giving each other credit until they earn it. You see that whole “he has to prove he’s a man to me to show that he is worthy” thing is a very dangerous part of the script of being a man. On one hand it expected that a dad (or any parent) is going to hold an intended kid-in-law to some sort of standard, because come on they are about to marry their kid. On the other this can very easily go too far. This comes out in the form of “no man is good enough for my daughter” or threatening the boyfriend with pain if he hurts her or showing the boyfriend the gun collection the first time they meet.
Due to the fact that the dads that do that more than likely had that done to them when they were young they are simply passing it on through the ages.
I think that this mentality is largely enforced by men themselves.
I don’t know because even outside what I said about dad above there are a lot of women out there that there are lot of women that engage in that, “The comments to this piece surprised me. “Your daughter got one of the few good men,” “she got one of the good ones,” “my daughter found one of the few good men too.”” I think its just a difference that those dads are more open about it while women tend to do it when there aren’t many(any) men around, or at least ones they deem to not be a threat.
It’s ironic to see this article on a website called “The Good Men Project”. The whole purpose of TGMP is to promote the idea that most men aren’t good, and need to change in order to please women.
Depends on what you define as ‘good’. Most men aren’t violent brutes, but most men probably wouldn’t show the same manners as Marys (presumably) now son in law.
The average Joe is probably casually sexist and has been to a strip club a some point in his life. But the average Joe probably also thinks wife beaters are idiots, disabled people should be treated with respect and that children (and therefore fatherhood) are important.
Same with people in general. Most women wouldn’t give up their life to work with orphans, but most wouldn’t give their children crack cocaine.
We need to be realistic and not expect men to be perfect. Always encourage the best in them and celebrate the ‘really good guys’. But don’t condemn those men who don’t come into the ‘Mr Wonderful’ category. Putting too much pressure to reach our ideals could be counterproductive. Be encouraging!
Most men aren’t Superman. Most men are ‘okay’.
Whew – what a can of worms. I have to reply to this with a heavy heart because I believe that there are men and there are boys masquerading as men. The latter are pervasive. No, I don’t believe it’s their “fault” I do believe that’s what the industrial revolution has left us as collateral damage. It’s time we did more to teach boys to be men and it takes Men to do that (cap intended). As long as boys (and girls) are raised without healthy male energy in the room, we will continue to suffer. Until society recognizes the value, indeed the necessity of two healthy parents and the corporate world stops voluntary slavery in the name of profit, we will continue to create more and more dysfunctional people. Garbage in, garbage out. Our challenge and our joy is to win at being men and raise our children to be strong, proud and righteous. It’s our job and we’re doing it. It may take some time to swing the hearts and minds of those who profit from our weakness.
“Our challenge and our joy is to win at being men and raise our children to be strong, proud and righteous. It’s our job and we’re doing it. It may take some time to swing the hearts and minds of those who profit from our weakness.”
I agree. Born out of wedlock, I did not grow up with a father, my mother is a great father figure who raised me to be a strong person as a woman. Single parents raise strong, responsible and independent kids. Just make sure humility remains with the training.