Sometimes comforting yourself with your faith doesn’t help anyone else.
- “God spared my life for a purpose.” A number of times after tragedies, including 9/11 and last week’s horrible event, I have heard a Christian who survived when the odds were against them imply that God spared them for “a reason.” Yet, others were not spared. This speculative reason usually has to do with them being used by God in some way in the future if not in the immediate future. To me, it is an arrogant statement (usually unintended) that reveals a far too often sentiment that “we” are somehow more valuable than “they.” It is a horrible explanation for the outcome of the situation and if your loved one had died in the same incident, you wouldn’t want someone else personally claiming God’s good grace, thus unintentionally implying that your loved one had less purpose or their purpose was already used up.
- “This evil was done by man’s choice and not God’s.” Indeed, many tragedies can be traced easily back to the conscious choices of humans. Even things like cancer can at times be traced back to specific man made toxin as the root cause—think cigarettes. Starvation can many times be tracked back to the greed of some human beings taking for themselves and leaving virtually nothing for a whole class of people. The problem I have is when we act like this statement, “This evil was done by man’s choice and not God’s.”, ends the discussion of why this happened. We claim some people are “healed” miraculously and instantly by God of their cancer. “Even the doctors have no other explanation” we proclaim. So then why did God heal this person of cancer when so many others (including Christians who prayed just as hard) died from it? “Well,” we suppose, “God must have had a plan for you.” Then we are back to point number one. Just because an evil act was clearly the choice of a man or group of men, the problem of suffering is not answered. The discussion remains open and we still have questions of God.
- Quoting verses that talk about God rescuing and saving (implying yourself) when some others were clearly not rescued or saved. It may make you “feel closer to God” and it may encourage the faith of the living, but the loved ones of the dead are not comforted.
- “God will bring good out of it.” My thought on this is don’t say it too soon if you need to even say it at all. God may indeed bring good out of it, but I wouldn’t want to hear that if my child died. I would think “Well why doesn’t He bring good out of it by bringing my child back?” to which some good intentioned person might respond “It was man’s evil that did this and not God.” Then I would say “Well then why didn’t God step in and prevent that act or heal my child like we claim He does in so many other situations?” This discussion would end with “God has a purpose in everything” or even worse “God’s ways are higher than our ways.” The prospect of beauty doesn’t negate the reality of tragedy and while most of us will readily admit that, we would do well to be quiet instead of trying to bandage a tragedy with “God will bring good out of it.” It is like a flower growing over a grave. It is beautiful, but its’ roots are still buried in the dry patch of tragedy.
The problem of pain and suffering is big, complicated and one that is ancient. It can cause a questioning of faith, a shifting or restructuring of faith, and even a complete letting go of faith. We should be open and authentic in our struggle with this intensely emotional and puzzling reality of suffering. Some Christians fear that if their faith seems less than “bullet proof” they will in some way damage the faith of others. I believe the opposite is true: that bravado is less uniting then uncertainty.
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Related Posts:
Now I Lay Me Down, by W.R.R., on why you shouldn’t tell survivors of childhood sexual abuse that they must accept God in order to heal or find peace.
Ten Clichés Christians Should Stop Saying, by Christian Piatt, and his follow-up pieces, Ten More Clichés Christians Should Avoid, and Nine (Final) Christian Clichés to Avoid.
Image of the scene of the Christian sculpture Mikeliandzhelo courtesy of Shutterstock
About Michael Rhodes
Has GMP officialy become Anti-Christian now..Seems a number of articles lately attacking the christian religion and christians themselves…Sad, really sad.
Janet, I have approved your message so that we can address this publicly.
We are not anti-Christian at all. You can read about the author here, just above your comment, in his bio.
It is not anti-Christian to talk about the ways in which some common phrases Christians use can hurt other people. In fact, to be compassionate, empathetic and thoughtful of others is as Christian as anything I can imagine. Most of my Christian friends, when I point out how common phrases can be hurtful to people, feel very badly and don’t ever intend that consequence, and often stop saying the phrase how they do.
This article has nothing to do with *being* a Christian, but more to do with how people often don’t understand the deeper implications of what they say affects people.
For example, when I shared Michael’s post on my Facebook page, my cousin who lost her newborn daughter very recently responded with this:
“I could write a book on the stupid things people have said to me since Stella’s passing. One of my favorite is god must have needed another angel. Um, really? The creator of the universe is running short on angles these days. Oh, and god has other great things in store for you. Its like saying being a mother to my three girls isn’t one of them.”
Nobody intends these things when they say them to her, but it’s important people realize how things like this can minimize the pain a person may be experiencing.
And yet these articles are not ever written about other faiths are they. It seems in fashion right now to ‘pick on’ if you will christians, George Carlin (my fav comedian) of all time towards the end of his life did absolutely nothing but trash the catholic faith and became even more famous for it. Almost all the stuff he picked on is also practised by other faiths but not once did he mention those. It just seems to me christians (like men) are a safe target for ‘calling out’ . That is what I was trying to say.
> And yet these articles are not ever written about other faiths are they.
Christianity is the white, middle-aged male of religions. You’re allowed to lay into them as much as you want without reprisals or being called a bigot.
Just as with any other large group, I know Christians who are absolute champions, Christians who are kind but do say stupid stuff like this article describes, however well intentioned, and Christians who are such horrible people I wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire.
Janet,
Ironically, I am a pastor. So, I am not attacking Christians or the Christian faith. Joanna’s response captures my intentions perfectly.
Also, there is a point when specificity and exhaustive cataloging of different versions of the same thing just becomes silly. This article could very easily apply to many different faiths, but the author lives in America, where there is pretty clearly a Christian majority, so most people that would be exposed to the sayings that Mr. Rhodes mentions would be hearing them from… Christians.
Although pretty generic (and you could say it would fall under 1 or 4 but possibly contradicts 2) one that I really hate hearing is, “It’s God’s will.”
One of my cousins said that to me a few hours after my mother died. The only reason I didn’t physically attack him was because we were all still at the hospital (meaning a fight may have disrupted other patients) and more importantly the last thing we needed at that time was in family fighting (and with my size if I had started a fight the only way it would have ended would be either me seriously hurting my cousin or someone else seriously hurting me to end the fight).
Some Christians fear that if their faith seems less than “bullet proof” they will in some way damage the faith of others. I believe the opposite is true: that bravado is less uniting then uncertainty.
True. But if you look at how people do seem to try to attack Christian faith for no other reason than to try to break it down (as in not genuinely questioning it, they just want to shut Christians down) I can understand where the bravado comes from. That said though I have to say that it’s a bit of a turn off when people try to make Christian faith out to be some all powerful and infallible force that has all the answers.
I agree that it’s important to try to get beyond wrote phrases of dogma, in order to approach compassion & understanding. I’m grateful GMP is publishing these things for discussion.
I am not a Christian. I try to forgive people when they say things like this as they are most likely just suffering and attempting to comfort themselves or someone else however possible… or are having genuine empathy for someone else hurting, which is a start. If I am hurting too much, & get a statement like this, I ask them to please refrain from saying anything—that what I need is for someone to witness & hold a safe space for me to experience my pain. I literally channel, “Forgive them for they know not what they do.” Through forgiveness, you can give the wrongs to God, the Universe, or whom/whatever you believe is bigger than you to deal with & carry it, not you. Forgiveness gives you freedom to not hold onto all that toxic energy they brought your way & move on peaceably. It doesn’t mean what they did was “right.” Forgiveness is the first step to moving forward into compassion & understanding for yourself & others. Regardless of the name of your faith, compassion is probably the most powerful, universal, healing energy.
I remember being at a funeral in my grandparents’ Nazarene Church, (think evangelical, Southern, non-drinking, etc) and the pastor was eulogizing the deceased, a family friend. The theme of the eulogy was all about how the man was in a better place and was a ham-handed attempt at putting a positive spin on the situation. As I looked over at the widow and two more generations of family choking back tears, I wondered what the problem was with mourning the dead and simply accepting the fact that we’re human and tragedy affects us at our core.
Faith is part of what we should use to grieve, but it’s not something we should use to *avoid* grieving, or to rationalize our pain. The four things you wrote about, and many others, are ways for us to avoid the experience of loss and death, and to reason with death. It won’t be reasoned with. It’s part of life and must be accepted as well as we can.
In times of personal tragedy, sometimes that acceptance comes slowly and doesn’t make sense. That’s where Grace comes in.
Thanks for your post.
@Austin Gunter: “I wondered what the problem was with mourning the dead and simply accepting the fact that we’re human and tragedy affects us at our core.”
Very good point. In fact, tragedy and death are part of life itself.
I think the problem is, most people want to believe they are not subject to that frailty (they could suffer or die anytime with no reason), so they need to believe in a reason, a solution or a good cause.
Most people – I think – are simply horrified at the thought that they could be wiped away anytime, with no reason save for “it just happened” or “bad things happen”. So they try to convince themselves (and others) they’re not at the mercy of fate.
In fact, a good chunk of any religion seem to develop out of that need to explain death and tragedy. “simply accepting the fact that we’re human and tragedy affects us” feels too scary.
So what it comes down to, people should simply shut up and simply say, “sorry for your loss?” Can someone point me to the “funeral etiquette” book? The do’s and don’ts when attending a funeral/wake?
Please enlighten us as to what we should be saying, when we say it and to whom we should say it to?
Having buried a mom, dad, 4 brothers and a sister, I have to tell you, no one ever said anything offensive to me or the surviving family members. I would never think of picking apart anything anyone said at their wakes or funerals.
People handle death in different ways which means that people who attend funerals also handle death differently. Accordingly, out of nervousness, discomfort or a variety of other reasons people respond in different ways.
Contrary to Joanna’s friend being bothered by the comment about heaven needing another angel, a close friend of ours who lost their two year old thought it to be very comforting. The mom has a disease where her brain doesn’t register her falling in time and accordingly she doesn’t brace herself from the fall. While carrying her two year old, she tripped and fell on the baby and killed her. Imagine not only losing your child but also having contributed to it?
As I said, people handle death differently and it kinda stinks that anyone judge what people say. But as I said, I guess the only way around this is to simply keep your mouth shut.
In so far as it being a “Christian” thing? Perhaps it wouldn’t have been as offensive if it was simply stated that “people” say?
I think Tom B brings some good points.
- As someone who has not got personal experience of loved ones dying, I’d welcome the opportunity to be told what I should say rather than what I shouldn’t.
- As someone who is ‘only human’, I frequently say things that were thoughtless even though I meant well, and have had thoughtless things said to me. It is part of life. Again, it would be helpful to be advised what would be a good thing to say in this situation.
- People do respond differently, I guess it is more important to be sensitive to the individual and their beliefes rather than talk to them as though you were a text book?
- Lastly this is not a Christian thing, it is a people thing. People are falliable. It would be indeed better to talk about insensitive people rather than Christians in particular, not to be politically correct but just to ensure people don’t think non-Christians are off the hook.
Post a list of 4 things Muslims say after tragedies. Come on, let’s have a good laugh.
When I lost my father, people said all kinds of different things to try in their own way to comfort me. Not all the comments where very graceful or even positive. But I know none of the comments where meant to be cruel either. And I don’t think they said these things as a means to “bullet proof” their own faith. I know that their attempt was an attempt to reach out to me and a way for them to try and do something in a situation where they ultimately felt powerless to do anything for someone they loved that was going through a rough time. I could have gotten hung up on the imperfection of the words, and my initial reaction to some of the comments said was to do just that. But that night when I went home after his funeral I realized how many people loved him and loved my family and just wanted to take the pain away from us and nurture us the best way they knew how even in it’s awkwardness. And I felt grateful for that. It’s normal to feel pain and it’s normal for others to want to take that pain away.
I do agree with Mr. Rhodes that we don’t alway need to show bravado. But just because we may be hurting from the loosing someone we loved, doesn’t mean we need to hold other people up to impossible standards either just because they didn’t say the perfect thing. The reaching out part is the most important.
Before my father died, when I went to a funeral, I tried to think of something to say that would help the person that lost another person. I wanted to be able to do something to help. It wasn’t until I went through the experience myself that I understood that I didn’t need to say anything to help. All I had to do was be. When I went to funerals after my father’s funeral, I stopped trying to make them feel better even though in my heart, that’s what I wanted to be able to do. Instead, what I would say was, “he/she was a very special person”, and leave it at that. And if I was given the chance, I would share a positive story I had about that person. Because that was the kind of thing that helped me most when my Dad passed. And I learned so many things about my Dad because of the stories other people shared with me that my Dad never talked about. That truly was a gift.
It’s one of things you simply don’t fully understand until you go through it yourself. Even though I had friends that lost their fathers and I logically knew what an awful thing it was, it wasn’t until my Dad died that I really understood. So I don’t fault people that may say certain things because I know that sometimes you just don’t fully know until you go through it.
Correction to my earlier post, the baby was 2 months old.
I feel Michael addressed this topic very well. I worked for years as a hospice chaplain and have often seen people try to fill awkward silences with the wrong words. I have come to understand that most people are well intentioned and are seeking to help sooth or ease the loss in some way. When you see someone hurting it is uncomfortable and our instinct is to reach out and try to bring some immediate (even if small) relief from the pain. Michael did a nice job of exposing this as a selfish act. Often after a loss the simple truth is that there are no words. What phrase could comfort the loss of a child? Could we really compose a sentence that could bring relief from a trauma of this magnitude? There are no words. We struggle with this. We grasp for words and phrases when face to face with someone who is grieving and the phrases we grab hold of are often poor choices. There are times all we can do is be silent…. and be there.