The cultural and technological trends that are making us even more self-absorbed.
Every time my daughter leaves the house for school, I always whisper to her, “You’re special and beautiful.” However, someone once told me that I should not tell her that because it could put ideas in her mind that she is entitled or above everyone else. My daily words of affirmation to my daughter in short can turn her into a narcissist.
In the culture that my daughter lives in, more people will be telling my daughter she’s unattractive and not-good-enough. The media’s obsession with beauty and perfection sends her the message that to be accepted, she has to keep up with celebrities and trends she sees on TV and the internet. That’s why I truly believe that as dads, I need to tell my daughter that she is beautiful and one-of-a-kind. Not better than anyone else, but not less than any other, either. Just beautiful the way God made her to be. I honestly don’t think that complimenting my daughter’s appearance builds an unhealthy and grandiose sense of self-importance.
Still, how not to raise a narcissistic child is something I’ll do my best to understand and practice.
In a recent article, psychologist and Fox News contributor Dr. Keith Ablow claims today’s culture is raising the new generation of narcissist. He said, according to a study by the American Freshman Survey, many young people are going to college convinced that they are gifted and talented, even though they are getting lower grades and studying less.
Ablow said that social media and video games are feeding that kind of behavior because these technologies tend to be centered to the users and turns them into attention-seeking faux celebrities in their own little worlds.
Another reason we’re raising narcissists is the cultural importance on building up self-esteem. Raising children’s self-esteem has become the primary goal in schools and parents at home. We’ve downplayed grades and praise children for minimal effort. The idea that everyone gets a trophy just for participating and no one gets critiqued on actual performance has done more harm than good by taking away our children’s true sense of pride for genuine achievements.
Lastly, and what I think is the main reason for the rise of a generation of narcissists is because this generation are raised by narcissistic parents. Parents who are pre-occupied with ambition of success and oblivious to the needs of their neighbors.
How can we help young people grow up less self-absorbed and be truly happy, productive individuals?
We need to encourage in our kid’s empathy, hard work, and more non-virtual, personal interactions. Aside from home, a good venue to provide young people a clear model of humility and strong character is the church. The church can provide biblical teaching and motivation on how children can develop the understanding and faith that are required to live lives that are relevant and noteworthy.
We also must be vigilant against nurturing a culture of narcissism in our homes. Don’t be reluctant to set boundaries in your children’s media consumption. Limit your kid’s use of the internet and television. Expose them to family-friendly entertainment and role models that exemplifies self-sacrifice, humility and good moral character. Encourage personal interactions and face-to-face family activities such as outdoor games and volunteer opportunities in your local community.
Dr. Ablow said, “We had better get a plan together to combat this greatest epidemic as it takes shape. Because it will dwarf the toll of any epidemic we have ever known. And it will be the hardest to defeat. Because, by the time we see the scope and destructiveness of this enemy clearly, we will also realize, as the saying goes, that it is us.”
Parents primarily need to model humility and empathy to help young people grow up less self-absorbed. Learning to parent with humility and empathy is important and it is a skill not automatic to most parents. It involves caring unconditionally for others regardless of the circumstances we see. It starts with a self-evaluation of what we consider truth and important in life. It requires a genuine sort of self-confidence, not found in the person in the mirror but found only in understanding who God made us to be.
Read more on Emotional Intelligence on The Good Life.
Image credit: hoyasmeg/Flickr
“I think fathers are actually bigger parts of their kids lives in different ways than previous generations. ” Those who actually live with their children might be. But half get divorced and then see the children little and man children are born to parents who don`t live together so all in all the presence of fathers in children’s lives is much less. This is combined with the absence of male teachers. “. I just am not sure if your goal is to encourage more positive parenting and highlight men’s strengths or if it’s to blame feminism and what you believe… Read more »
“Those who actually live with their children might be. But half get divorced and then see the children little and man children are born to parents who don`t live together so all in all the presence of fathers in children’s lives is much less. This is combined with the absence of male teachers.” I would actually LOVE to see men take on more mentor roles, for both boys AND girls, because I agree that that is lacking in our culture. Boys and girls need good, strong, healthy, responsible, caring adult men in their lives to take a positive and supportive… Read more »
Women and men tend to have different styles of parenting. Women tend to encourage more and give more praise without performance. “Everyone gets a trophy”. Men tend to demand actual results and place demands. You have to earn the trophy. Men also tend to punish more and more consistently. In a sense the father represents the NO, the boundaries and the ego check. Both are necessary to produce a healthy outcome. Removing the parenting style most common in mothers and having only that of the father produces a bad outcome. Likewise removing the style of the father produces an unhealthy… Read more »
Erik, my Mom was soft and encouraging without “everyone gets a trophy” mentality. I think the “everyone gets a trophy” is a more recent phenomenon, not something that women do because of an inherent femininity. And Actually, I think fathers are actually bigger parts of their kids lives in different ways than previous generations. My Mom is always impressed when she sees fathers on the playground or pushing their kids in a stroller. When she raised kids, you just didn’t see men doing those kind of things. I do think that kids need both a Mother and Father’s influence. I… Read more »
So, we tell our children they are beautiful, smart, etc. This article assumes we are not simultaneously fostering a sense of humility and imparting common sense into our kids. I think this is being over-thought here. My 2-year old says “I’m a princess” and I think it’s a beautiful thing. Do I expect that she’ll walk into College Chemistry and expect special treatment because she thinks she’s a princess? Come on…
So, it looks there are five or six different uses of the term “narcissist” here in the same article, and some of them are not even compatible with each other. This is grouping a whole lot of things under a very sloppy definition of narcissism, perhaps because “narcissism” is a great buzzword today for all the ways that our children are disappointing us or all the ways that American culture is flawed. Being arrogant, entitled, self-centered, ambitious, and vain are not the same thing as being narcissistic. They may be related, perhaps, but they are all different things. Being absorbed… Read more »
Hi wellok……
You are right.
The personality disorder narcissism is not what he writes about here.
There is nothing wrong with telling your child they’re beautiful and special in fact it is necessary. Too many people are out here trying to diminish our children’s self worth. Especially our daughters. Never under estimate how the love of a father enriches a girls life. You are doing fabulous!