Men who sit too long on the emotional fence in a relationship, rob their partners of life’s most precious resource: time.
There are lots of ways men mistreat women, as is frequently discussed in various sites like The Good Men Project. The more obvious kinds—like psychological or physical abuse, or the emotional manipulation discussed in Yashar Ali’s insightful Why Women Aren’t Crazy—get a fair bit of attention, and deservedly so. But there’s another kind I see all the time in relationships everywhere that goes less recognized: men who sit too long on the emotional fence in a relationship, wasting precious years of their partner’s time before ultimately heading for the door.
I’m calling to task the men who have been on the fence since very early in the relationship, and yet stay in that same position for years on end, and then finally call it off later for the same misgivings they had years earlier.
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I call them the Time Bandits.
They rob their partners of life’s most precious resource.
And I’m here to call my fellow men out on it.
To be fair, I admit, I’ve been this guy myself at times, to some degree. While I’ve never wasted “years” of a woman’s life, I have stayed in things longer than I should have, and I’m trying to never be that guy again.
While it’s unethical for either partner (regardless of gender) in any relationship to waste the other’s time by not being fully committed, or honest about their intentions, it seems a particularly worse crime when perpetrated against women (if she wants to have kids and be married some day), since time is a resource they simply have less of than men. A 35 year-old man can afford to dally another 5-10-15 years before having his first child. Not so for a 35 year-old woman. I live in New York City. I see too many women who’ve lost crucial child-bearing years to a guy who spent years in emotional limbo and then hit the road.
For the record, I am not judging any relationship that simply doesn’t work out and a man ends it late in the game because they grew apart. I’m calling to task the men who have been on the fence since very early in the relationship, and yet stay in that same position for years on end, and then finally call it off later for the same misgivings they had years earlier.
And the reason a guy usually stays? Simple: lack of courage.
Because breaking up is brutal, for both parties. It’s a lot easier to postpone it and avoid the hardship it inevitably brings. I’ve spent plenty of time coming up with my own reasons of “why it’s not a good time to break up right now.” But it rarely is. You just have to do it anyway.
I know of countless men—some of whom I count among my good friends—who have expressed a serious concern about compatibility early in their relationships, and yet not acted on it for years. To me there’s a statute of limitations to which you can cite a particular issue as the reason for exit, and the clock starts ticking the first time you mentally decide, “Hmm, this is a pretty big problem for me.”
Once you have that concern, I think, as a man, you have a specific moral obligation to be forthcoming about it and do one of two things: 1) raise your concerns with your partner and attempt to reconcile them, or 2) recognize that, if you think this incompatibility is not “fix-able,” that this is a deal-breaker for you, you have to get the check and head for the door. If she’s looking for “the one” and thinks you’re it, it’s a crime of the heart to stay with her if you know you’re inevitably going to leave. And it robs her of time to find another man better suited to her.
Yes, I recognize, it’s not easy to arrive at the “exit” decision. It’s a rather grave one, and one we don’t want to make lightly. Leaving someone is rarely a move you can take back. But I think part of being a “good man” (actually, just being an adult) is to act in union with your inner beliefs. If you truly don’t think you’re aligned with your partner, you have an obligation to act on that feeling. At least have the chat, or say you need to time to think about it. I dated a woman once where I was pretty sure at the one year mark that we weren’t going to go the distance. But it took me another 3 months to finally break it off. Why was that? Because I genuinely cared for her and didn’t want to break her heart. And I also couldn’t bear how disappointed she was going to be with me. I knew I was going to be the “asshole” and put it off as long as possible.
But let’s say you begin dating a woman when you’re both 30. And you have an issue, with, say, your different approaches to money (or sex, or religion, or raising kids, or alcohol, or resolving an argument), and you’ve either a) discussed the issue but can’t come to an agreement on it, or b) have chosen not to ever raise it at all, then you can’t spend 3-8 more years in that relationship failing to act on an issue that still bothers you every day. That makes you an asshole. You may not be deliberately trying to hurt her, or rob years from her life, but that’s what you’re doing. It’s like knowing you like brunettes, but start dating a blonde, and then nine years into it, after she’s raised the marriage question a million times, you break up with her saying, “Sorry, I just don’t like your hair.” That’s not her fault, it’s yours. But she pays the price.
Now take the guy who keeps on going from there, just out of inertia. And then marries her. And has the kid with her. And gets by on adrenaline for a little while. But eventually, the truth will out, and he’ll want the divorce, and that awkward breakup he could have instead faced years earlier will seem like a cakewalk. Because now there are a lot more complications (and victims) involved. So I say do both of yourselves the favor of trying to face the inevitable truth sooner than later. If you know in your heart of hearts that you’re not truly in love with her, do not take years of her life that she’ll never get back. And allow yourself, too, the chance to find a better fit.
Now, I realize, of course, that women perhaps bear the ultimate responsibility of staying with a guy who has one foot out the door, abusing their time. They can opt out, too, if they want, if they feel their lover/ boyfriend/ soulmate is taking too long to decide she’s the one. And I encourage them to do so. In my experience, men rarely believe women are serious about something until they threaten to walk. (Unfortunately.) Your willingness to walk might be the only thing that makes him realize what he’s about to lose. But I am sympathetic to the fact that a woman has more incentive to make those 3, 4, 5 years invested actually convert. Because starting over with someone new takes time, too. So she’s more likely to give him a third or fourth chance.
Which is why it’s incumbent upon us men to not exploit that leniency.
By staying on the fence, guys, we not only further rob our partners of their chance at happiness, but we muddy our own sense of identity, too. We’re living a double-life, where we’re compromising on crucial beliefs. And that act of flouting our own instincts will make us less able to follow them down the road when the real Mrs. Right comes along.
So man up, my fellow men, and get the hell out of the relationships you truly don’t believe you can finish. You’re not doing your partner any favors, and you’re probably interfering with your own future chances at romance, too. Take an honest inventory of what is most important to you in a partner, and if you’re not on the same page, give her as much time as possible to find someone who values what she’s bringing to the table more than you do.
Yes, even if she hates you for it. (For some some tips on getting through that, try here.)
As men, we’re born with the perhaps-undeserved biological advantage of a looser time frame to accomplish our family-raising goals in life.
Let’s not abuse it.
Time is precious. So when it comes to relationships, gentlemen: no stealing allowed.
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Image of thief running out of bank courtesy of Shutterstock
So a man’s time isn’t worth anything? My time is just as valuable as a woman’s time; it is an equal exchange. Time for time.
A man’s time is worth something too, yes, but we’re mainly talking about reproductive time here. As a woman, once my eggs dry up that’s it for my chance to have kids. A man can father children at like, 60; a woman is out of luck
Jim…that makes you an asshole… did you read the article. I’m glad nobody I know will ever date you. Man up!
Time bandits. Yes. I dated one of those when I was 37. I knew early on that he wasn’t the one, probably became evident the day he told me “my biggest fear is getting someone pregnant”. I knew that I should look for someone more open to kids and that staying with him was keeping those other doors closed. We cared for each other a lot. He was a nice guy. I hadn’t had a boyfriend in almost 4 years. Eventually, I tried to explain why it wasn’t working, and he tried to convince me it was. Finally, when I… Read more »
Did he write this article because he found this picture on his desk at the office? This article is trash.
Are women completely without agency & free will? This article is nonsense – If a women is unhappy with the pace of the relationship, it is her responsibility to make an ultimatum and/or quit the relationship.
And yet you lack the spine to identify your name in this thread….ummmm do you think you’re the exact person this article refers to???
Interesting article. I think this idea of “time wasting” is a lot more complicated than the article states. Life isn’t like some rom-com where love conquers all. You generally don’t see CEOs seriously dating/marrying waitresses or “escorts” like in the movie Pretty Woman. Like it or not, social class can be a big factor. So can race or religion. So can educational/career level. In those cases if the man KNOWS that dating that woman will only end up in tears, then he is doing her a favor but not dating her in the first place! It’s not fair to ask… Read more »
Everything Mark said in this article is spot-on my experience in my 3 year relationship. We’ve talked about marriage since fairly early on, I gave him my personal timeline for marriage/kids and he told me if I stayed with him, I’d meet it. It’s now 3 years in and there’s been no proposal, no firm timeline set. He’s telling me we are going to get engaged soon but still hasn’t bought the ring I picked out months ago. I’m starting to figure out through his actions not matching his words and his inconsistency that he’s never actually going to marry… Read more »
So, woman up and dump him. Have some agency for Christ sake.
There is the possibility that he is worried that you might reveal different colors once the knot is tied, and you’d end up divorce-raping him.
You know why this article is addressed to men, and not the women who allow men to waste their time? I had a boyfriend with whom I brought up our issues of compatibility MANY times. I asked him over and over if he thought I was right for him. I certainly thought (at that time) that he was right for me. He’d always reassure me that he loved me, even BEGGED me to stay when I tried to break it off TWICE (yes, it’s my fault for not realizing the truth and sticking to my guns). The truth is, though… Read more »
I’m in a similar situation, been with my boyfriend for 3 years now, we’ve discussed getting married since early on. I’m finally figuring out through his actions not matching his words and his inconsistency that he’s never actually going to marry me. All I’ve ever asked for is his honesty and I now believe he is lying to keep me there because while he won’t marry me, he also won’t let me go. It’s a horrible situation to be in. I’ve finally decided I have to end the limbo for myself by leaving before I lose my mind. If he… Read more »
Men don’t waste women’s time—women waste their own time. If a guy isn’t committing the way she would like, she’s free to leave him and find another man.
NEWSFLASH: women have agency. So stop infantilizing them.
(applause)
Achieving _your_ life goals is never going to be someone else’s responsibility; it’s yours.
She can also drag her butt down to Tiffany’s and buy him a manring
Thank you for revealing the obvious. Obviously women can’t see it……
Oh, great…
Now not doing anything is abuse to. I’m wondering how long it is before it gets enshrined into law.
Stay away from women, men…
I wonder how long it is before staying away from women will be called abused, and there’s a law against men staying away from women.
I have to disagree with previous commenters. Yeah, sure it is the woman’s responsibility to leave if she cannot get what she wants. The point is, though, she can’t do this if you’re misrepresenting yourself or if you have not spoken up even though you know deep down you can’t give her what she needs. I think a lot of us simply stay in a relationship because it is good at the time, without considering how time is not on a woman’s side. If a woman has told you that she wants kids, and you continue to date her for… Read more »
” If a woman has told you that she wants kids, and you continue to date her for years, then she will take this to mean you want them too. And why would she not? She told you what her expectations were for the relationship, so if you stay in said relationship, it seems to suggest you agree.”
This is where being an adult comes in. You set clear expectations, with timelines and gates associated with them, to include engagement with a wedding date set. An engagement without a set date is just more dating.
“The point is, though, she can’t do this if you’re misrepresenting yourself or if you have not spoken up even though you know deep down you can’t give her what she needs.” Everyone should be honest in a relationship. What I think people are disagreeing with is the OP’s assertion that men have the responsibility to break up, when most people believe that his responsibility is only limited to being honest. If a man is honest about not wanting marriage or kids or even not wanting it with this particular person and she stays, why is it incumbent on the… Read more »
Thx, Georgie. Yes, that’s one of my points; the problem is that it’s harder for women to know when to leave if she’s being fed false testimony from her partner. If he’s saying “everything’s fine,” when deep inside it isn’t, she doesn’t have the proper data to motivate a decision to leave. And sorry to those who will claim this is a stereotype, but in my experience it’s usually the men who are less forthcoming about their misgivings in a relationship. And I’ve got about 400 female friends who would be happy to support that with evidence.
Wait… 400 female friends…!?
Checks profile: singer/songwriter knows 400 female “friends” who ALL have problems with men that left or they broke up with even after the men saying that all was fine…
Riiight…
Maybe it’s just me, but why do I have the feeling that until those 400 females met you, everything was actually fine as far as their men was concerned? And then mr. singer/songwriter comes along, who spends his time berating men and telling women how awful men.
If they make their expectations known and, regardless of what he says, if his actions aren’t satisfactory based on her requirements and his agreement, she is free to move on. If she stays in the relationship despite his actions not meeting her requirements, she has no one to blame but herself.
This coming from someone who has far more than 400 female friends just within a 4 or 5 mile radius.
The model underlying this article is very, very 1950s. As are many of the other stances that underly GMP articles. In the 1960s and 1970s, we beleived that we had opened up acceptances of different ways to look at marriage (even when it was quite monogamous.) Also, there is enough population in this world. We have 7 or 8 Billion, when the Earth can only supprort 2 Billion, given a Western European lifestyle for all. So, if it’s only about kids. One of my issues right now is that we seem to want gender equality (laudable,) but, at the same… Read more »
This one hits a sour note, Mark. It can’t be that hard to imagine that women aren’t just mindless tower-dwellers, each trapped in a half-life purgatory, unable to live her life as she chooses until her prince comes along with a white rose or a diamond ring or perfect kiss to rescue her so she can let down her hair or open her eyes or take off her blindfold or whatever, so she can finally “start her life.” Please. If a person, male or female, isn’t getting what they want from their partner, they’re wasting their OWN time sticking around.… Read more »
“If a person, male or female, isn’t getting what they want from their partner, they’re wasting their OWN time sticking around.”
EX-ACT-LY.
I think we’re actually in agreement here, Jill. I state pretty clearly where I think the ultimately onus lies: “Now, I realize, of course, that women perhaps bear the ultimate responsibility of staying with a guy who has one foot out the door, abusing their time. They can opt out, too, if they want, if they feel their lover/ boyfriend/ soulmate is taking too long to decide she’s the one. And I encourage them to do so.” The differentiating point is when men CONCEAL their misgivings, their false heart, and indicate everything is fine, when often, deep inside, it’s not.… Read more »
Yes, yes, men are evil, men conceal everything, men are vile, men abuse, we’ve heard that bull over and over again.
And all of it is bullshit.
You’re right. Everything you just said is complete bullshit.
Let’s not put 2 & 2 together and get 35.
My point is: SOME men are being dishonest with their partners (and themselves) about their true feeling and intentions. And that should stop. For the benefit of them both. That’s all.
Believe me, I think a lot of men are f*cking fantastic. And I think a lot of women have some serious work to do on themselves. But that’s for another essay…
If people could “just have sex,” it wouldn’t happen. They can’t most of the time and therefore must create “reasons” for it.
This is hogwash and Mr. Radcliffe must know that to be the case. It wouldn’t be hogwash if it approached the issue from a non-gendered perspective. Instead we get more piling on of the tired, rehashed idea that “men are intentionally bad and women are always the victims”. The “story” of this is like my last relationship. Seven years from the age of 19 onward. We didn’t stay together against the odds, we stayed together because we loved each other and the disconnects weren’t apparent in black-and-white enough to justify the separation before it actually happened. This sort of hogwash… Read more »
” Instead we get more piling on of the tired, rehashed idea that “men are intentionally bad and women are always the victims”.
True.
Whatever the topic, that almost always ends up being the bottom line.
“” Instead we get more piling on of the tired, rehashed idea that “men are intentionally bad and women are always the victims”. True. Whatever the topic, that almost always ends up being the bottom line.” The cynic in me would say it’s because I feel that is what brings a lot of women to websites about men, that guilt, that apologetic tone, pandering to their belief of eternal victimhood. Granted that’s only some women, I do see quite a lot of women happy to read good stories who will comment and say thank-you, who love their men dearly. But… Read more »
Just to be clear – the articles that get the most pageviews are not negative about men and I’m not sure where you’re getting that from, Archy. The posts that get the most PVs are actually the ones about parenting, a few about sex and a couple others. The ones that get the most comments are often the most controversial posts, lately ones like this one or the Dr Nerdlove ones, and while they do very well, they aren’t necessarily the ones with the most pageviews. The controversial ones do get lots of comments, but we think that’s great because… Read more »
I remember Tom writing a post about it but maybe I misread it, the top pageview article was the mansplaining one wasn’t it? I see the weekly stats, is there a yearly one as well? I’m curious to see what the breakdown is like. I could be noticing the most controversial ones more due to comments, they fill my email up and probably stick in my mind more I guess especially as spend a lot of time in the comment sections. That probably explains the feeling I got, so ignore what I said, I spoke too soon :S. Maybe it’s… Read more »
I’m tired of having to waste my time on “relationships” when finances and immunocompatibility predict relationship outcomes better than any other metric.
Every woman I met refused the concept of precluding all breeding relationships with genetic compatibility analysis and aptitude testing.
“Now, I realize, of course, that women perhaps bear the ultimate responsibility of staying with a guy who has one foot out the door, abusing their time.”
So close to the truth here. Just take out the “perhaps” and the argument would be spot-on.
It’s nice to be reminded yet again that men are the gatekeepers to commitment.
It’s sad that not enough men know this.
…And this is largely the fault of females.
If a man hasnt proposed within 3 years of dating, there is a good chance it won’t happen. I had a man proposed to me in 6 months.
If she doesnt want to get hitched thats fine, but if she does i wouldnt recommend waiting that long.
3 years? I’d probably wait 5 years until I proposed…
I guess that means no marriage for us! lol
Haha, well what I say and do could be 2 different things, I haven’t had much experience with a long term relationship so I’m still a bit commitment shy about it, but once I am into one I’ll probably calm down a lot and who knows, if it’s love I might even propose after one year. I just wanna be sure of compatibility, but I don’t need marriage for me to feel loved, to me it’s just a title and a day, any long term relationship will be pretty much equal to marriage. Saying vows and giving each other a… Read more »
Archy: It does make a difference. I want kids, and marriage is more stable for the kids. Anybody can pull out an anecdote contrary to how things generally work. Secondly, I dont want a guy to waste my time. I’ve known situations where a guy would shack up with a girl off and on for a decade, break up with her, then immediately try to marry another girl after a few months. In other words, a lot of guys are cool with relationships as long as there isnt a lot of drama and there is regular sex. Guys will stay… Read more »
It’s the issue with making a simplistic, easy-to-agree-with statement like “people shouldn’t waste each other’s time” and then expecting it to be applied homogeneously across the complex and conflicting nature of individuals’ relationships. It isn’t that simple, and it isn’t an easy thing. What we’re really talking about here is creating realistic expectations like, “I’d like to be married by the time I’m about 26 and have kids at least by 28”. But instead we have a focus on why MEN are bad and wasting women’s time. Women waste the time of their partners, too. It isn’t gendered; it isn’t… Read more »
So you see marriage as an additional layer of security? But you can divorce anyway? In Australia if you live with someone for 2 years the family law applies like a marriage, so if they break up you can go through family court and split up assets, it’s the “Defacto laws”. I don’t really have an overly positive view of marriage, it looks like a ceremony that costs $25k where half the people that do it split up anyway, and judging by some brides it seems like a selfish day for them to feel special vs a day for the… Read more »
Yep, and “The Plan to end violence against women and their children”, apparently not men, to heck with them, right? Is about to make Australia a hell-hole for men. In fact, as a man, you’ll no longer be a free person, you will no longer be innocent until proven guilty, and you don’t even get to buy something from your own had-earned money without asking permission of your female first, otherwise it’s abuse, you can be removed from your house, while you continue paying for it and your female remains living there, or thrown in jail. Basically, if you live… Read more »
Yeah, “The Plan” should be burned. It’s sickening what those particular redfems have suggested, I hate gendered laws with a passion for crimes that aren’t gendered.
Egalitarianism is a dream at the moment in Australian DV policy that I can see, hell they even use the extremely misandrist Duluth Model….
Most states in the U.S. don’t recognize “common law marriage.” In California, if you don’t have a marriage license, you can get child support and you may have to go to court inorder to split up jointly owned property, if there is a dispute, but the community propery laws don’t apply. Community property law comes from Spanish legal system. It means that all income and property acquired during marriage is owned 50-50. So marriage does add an important layer of protection in community property states (basically all the U.S. states that were former Spanish possessions)
Ahhh, that’d explain it. I guess here there is no need to be married, you still get all the protections.
@Archy I really dont want to divorce. It would take a lot for me to want to divorce a man. I do want the stability, I have seen what happens when people choose not to get married on a wide scale basis. Shacking up and getting married aren’t the same. People tend to have different expectations when they get married. In other words, the relationship changes. I do agree the cost of weddings can be ridiculous. As for me, Id be fine with a courthouse wedding and an inexpensive wedding band. Take me out to eat at nice restaurant, and… Read more »
My ideal wedding is a basic ceremony, a BBQ with close friends n family. I’d rather save money and buy a house 😛
As for getting married, I’m open to the idea but i want to shack up first, and absolutely we MUST be compatible sexually so no waiting till married for me.
Why do people think that relationships are only gateways to marriage? “It’s been X years” is not a good reason to propose.
Excellent question, and one that I’ve never heard a coherent answer to.
Jill,
For me its about wasting my time.
I’m not going to wait 5,10 years for a man to make up my mind. From what Ive seen men make up their minds quickly, and I’ve also noticed that if it doesnt happen within 3 years it probably won’t. I dont want a man to propose to me just because its been X amount of years. I want him to do it because he really wants to marry me, but I’m not going to give him 10 years to think about it.
3 years might be ok, I’d want at least a year living together to know we’re compatible before marrying a woman. It’s a balance between making your mind up too soon, and taking too long, I guess it differs for all people. More than 5 years is pretty excessive I guess.
Archy, both you and Alice seem to be accepting the premise that a relationship is only justified and worthwhile if it eventually leads to marriage; you only quibble about how long a ‘delay’ is acceptable.
Why should it lead to marriage at all? Why isn’t a relationship good enough all on its own?
I believe I said I don’t need marriage somewhere in a comment, I don’t think relationships need marriage but I am simply open to the idea if it really bothers my partner that much.
Finding data is hard, but the failure rate for cohabitation vs marriage is high. I’ve seen it pegged to in the 75% range. If you want kids, that’s something to consider.
I think a woman should just leave sorry dudes like this
I have to agree with this. If there are compatibility issues or he’s just not that into the relationship I leave. Why waste both of our time? But I’m also upfront on the onset about what my goals are etc. so men who have a goal of marriage and children also know to look elsewhere than me. Due girl issues I won’t be birthing children and I have no interest in marriage. I think if both men and women were up front about their goals and actually took some time to periodically check in and communicate about them there wouldn’t… Read more »
This article and others here, and the ensuing comment threads, are teaching me over and over again, that one of the most important parts of being a good man is standing up for one’s own interests.
No man can be a good man if he’s been steamrolled into cannon fodder in the gender wars. A good man stands up for his rights as a man first and foremost, the right of self-determination. A man without full agency is no man at all.
Or, as Jack Donovan says, be good at being a man, or be a well-behaved slave.
For the life of me, I will never understand why a man would ask a woman to “marry him” if he knows deep in his heart of hearts, he “does not want to be married”. He isn’t doing himself or the woman any favors by entering into a relationship that is a serious commitment. In the end, the marriage will undoubtedly end in divorce, and some innocent child or children’s lives will be ruined as well. I discovered after several years of marriage, that my ex-husband didn’t really want to get married, he just felt pressured by his family and… Read more »
Let Marisa Tomei settle this dispute –
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7J-2EIvItVY
Actually, I cut men loose when I can tell they are just not that into me. There is just a different vibe of a guy who wants to be with me and date me, be my boyfriend, than a guy who is just coasting. I mean I hate to bring up the whole “he’s just not that into you” thing, but this article is just re-iterating that it is somewhat valid. There is a guy I like who has hinted at asking me out. He knows I like him and would say yes. But it’s been a month. And this… Read more »
You could always try asking him. Maybe he’s intimidated.
“He knows I like him and would say yes.”
I doubt he does, somehow.
Oh, look, it’s been a month, I know the woman wants me, but she hasn’t asked me out yet, it’s one of those stuffed with privilege kind who’ll use me up, spit me out, while making the law pay me more. Ding. Done. Moving on. If she’s not going to ask me, moving on to other options. Which just speaks to a men knowing his own value as well. I’m going to grovel like some flipper flapping seal to get a woman’s approval? I’m going to wait for a woman to decide she’s not cavewoman demanding a man grovel? Really,… Read more »
From the perspective of middle age (45) I have this advice to give women: DON’T wait forever for a guy to commit if you think you want marriage and children. You don’t have to pester or nag men for a commitment, you just have to be clear upfront, in those early conversations, that you really want to have children by X age. You can mention this casually but don’t compromise. Don’t say you aren’t sure you want kids if you are really secretly pining for them. If the man knows this is what you want, if he isn’t interested, he… Read more »
“Men will be very happy to go indefinitely, year after year, in a relationship where they are getting sex and are reasonably satisfied with the status quo.”
If that were true, there would be no marriages. So, that is an untrue generalization.
However, your point about women making it clear what their expectations/needs/requirements are is valid and is the very point I made earlier.
i should have said, men who are not interested in marriage or children with a particular woman will still be happy to gone on indefinitely in a relationship with her as long as they are reasonably satisfied and getting sex. I’ve seen this happen and experienced it myself.
That is absolutely true. The same, of course, can be said of women. That’s where adult conversation comes in. Women (and men) should clearly communicate their needs and expectations, including timelines, particularly if there is some urgency (e.g., she’s 36, not yet married, and wants to get married and and then have two or three children). One problem is the romanticized concept of waiting for the man to get down on one knee, proclaim his everlasting love, and then “pop the question”, holding a Tiffany’s box containing her dream ring, all after months of planning. She can cut out months… Read more »
Do you think it might be a better idea for women to come up with alternate scenarios for happiness? Leaning on marriage/children – things that require another person – as life goals really seems like a recipe for regret. “Want children by X age” really puts a major expiration date on your life’s journey. Maybe I just don’t relate because I’ve never wanted those things, really. If they come along it will be a novel surprise for me, but I’ve never set my sights on them as goals or anything I wanted to accomplish – because it’s not really an… Read more »
With the option of adoption and artificial insemination, the goals of motherhood and marriage might already be separating. I think many women don’t separate those goals because a lot of men won’t consider women with children as possible future mates, which is of course their choice. I see your point. It’s a tough call. Many boys have a dream to be a professional athlete or even to make the team in high school. They may never achieve their goal, but I’m hesitant to say don’t seek what you want simply because you might not get it. I usually think go… Read more »
Everyone says “you can just adopt” like you can just go down and pick out a kid at Costco. Adoption is actually very difficult and expensive. The American children who are available through ordinary channels are older and/or have special needs. While it is really commendable that someone would adopt an older or special needs child, it’s fraught with peril. Not everyone has what it takes. I know 2 different friends who adopted older children with a history of abuse/neglect and both adoptions ended in disaster despite the best intentions, money, counseling and resources. Meanwhile, overseas adoptions are extremely expensive… Read more »
I am 45, never married and no kids. I am one of those women who was never sure if I wanted marriage and children. I pursued education and a career, I always figured that things would happen if/when I met the “right person.” Time passed. I was actually kind of relieved when I turned 40 because I could tell myself, “well that ship has sailed.” I don’t really have any major regrets but I do feel wistful sometimes because I think I would have enjoyed being a mother if it had happened. I never met anyone who I wanted to… Read more »
Plenty of kids waiting for adoption 😛
Well as I said in my comment above, adoption is really not the easy option that people often think it is. Those kids waiting for adoption are older kids with special needs and histories of abuse and neglect, and although I absolutely agree they need loving homes, I also know that I don’t have what it takes to handle kids like that. If my boyfriend and I were desperate for children we would probably hire a surrogate and use his sperm and a donated egg, but we aren’t that desperate. So at this point I have accepted that I will… Read more »
Yeah I’m gonna have to agree with other commenters here…It’s a good idea to point out that some people don’t commit to the same time-frame and life as others, and that women’s fertility clock runs out earlier than men’s but these women do have their own agency. It’d be nice to know exactly what you want but it often takes time. I myself wouldn’t marry until I had been with someone for 5 years probably, I need to know there is compatibility. It’s a bad move to string people along of course, but these women do have options, they have… Read more »
Hmmm, I know few other commenter’s pointed the simple fact that this article seems to treat women like children who are not able to walk & talk or have the courage that men have when it comes to making a decision about their life’s. Reminds me of Hugo schwyzer & his total belief that women lack agency & will to act on behalf of themselves & because men have so called privilege they should do it for them even if it means death. Unless I believe I am her white Knight in shining armor & believe some misguided chivalry, I… Read more »
I, too, found the language and arguments quite Schwyzerian. I never got apoplectic about Hugo’s writing the way that others did. I just found it kind of lopsided, until I realized that his articles deep down might not really be appeals to men at all. When I read articles like this, one of my first reactions is to remind myself that ultimately I may not be the intended audience of the piece. Not just because I am not currently undecided in my relationship, but because I am a man. This may just be my own internal stuff at work, but… Read more »
This is nothing but the outright infantilization of women. “I am women hear me roar”.
Women have more than enough agency to end a relationship if she is dissatisfied. Are you seriously stating women don’t know what is best for themselves unless told by a man?