James Fell wants guys to see that the entire concept of being an “alpha” is dangerous and completely untrue.
Something terrible happened.
I’m always worried when I write about this stuff. Will you think I’m fishing for clicks? Whether it’s about the Boston Marathon bombing, body shaming or equal rights, I’ve written about all of it and people tell me I told it well.
But you have to know that I pause and think hard each time I do this, wondering if I really should add my voice to the cacophony because I worry that I’m not going to get it right. All, I can do is speak from the heart, cross my fingers, and hope it resonates. Here we go.
Enough with the alpha male bullshit.
Enough with entitlement. Enough with pick-up artists. And enough with the goddamn men’s rights activism.
That’s one helluva hornet’s nest to poke, but it’s time. I’ve had a bug up my ass for all of this crap for a long time, but the tragic murder of six people by an obviously mentally ill person is my impetus to lay it bare.
The guy was a 22-year-old from a successful family, but he proclaimed to be a virgin who had never even kissed a girl. Perhaps this was the case because he indeed was mentally unbalanced, and giving off sociopathic signals. A lot of women can tell when a guy has the Helter Skelter vibe, and they run in the other direction, fancy car or no.
Excuse me while I invent a new acronym. I’m going to call it the YCC, which stands for Y Chromosome Community. Although I’m going to break down its individual components, whenever I refer to these components as a whole, I’ll call it the YCC.
No, the YCC did not force Elliot Rodger to murder six people, but they gave him an outlet for his delusions, hate, and entitlement to fester. Elliot needed psychiatric help, not reinforcement that women are sluts and bitches and targets and conquests and notches on bedposts. And feminists are just a bunch of man-hating whores and you should just go out and take what you deserve in this life. Take it back because those damn feminists have taken it all away from you. Those bitches.
But surely I’m just painting an entire community with a broad and negative brush, aren’t I? Well, yes, but the YCC has such an evil, toxic component to it that any merits it may have made the entire schema unworthy of existence in a civilized society that values equality and diversity.
Before I get into this, I want you to know that this isn’t just me ragging on stuff. For the male reader, I am going to give you real advice towards the end of what I think you should do instead of being part of the YCC.
But first, let’s tear some things down.
Deconstructing the Alpha
This isn’t so much a community as it is a marketing gimmick. It’s a bullshit title used to sell books and programs.
These books seek to “redefine what it really means to be an alpha male.” Really, it’s not just a bunch of cock-sure, arrogant and self-entitled assholes. It’s a gentleman. A leader. A strong and worthy man blah, blah, blah. They’re putting lipstick on a pig, trying to convince you that you’re either the leader of the pack, or you’re a beta who won’t get what you deserve in this life, and they pretty it up with all kinds of nice-sounding terminology and definitions, but at its core the idea of being an alpha male is bogus.
It’s built around the myth of the alpha male wolf, which is allegedly the strongest, most dominant member of the pack. He is the leader, the one who gets all the bitches (literally) and keeps the other males in their place. Or something.
But it’s based on bad science. Disregarding the fact that human males shouldn’t be attempting to model the behavior of what goes on in the animal kingdom in the first place, this isn’t what goes on in the animal kingdom. The whole concept of there being an alpha male leader of the wolf pack who fought his way to dominance has been debunked.
Alpha is a marketing gimmick, and it’s not a good mindset to be going through life with.
The entire concept is built around dominance over others. Again, they can put lipstick on the pig and call it something else, but people have a tendency to simplify things, and if you’re thinking you have to “be more alpha,” then you’re doing it wrong because your personality becomes warped with the concept that you’re supposed to be running the show, and everyone else on Earth is here to be servile to your awesomeness, men and women both.
Life doesn’t work that way. It’s far more complex than just “me alpha, you beta.”
Here’s a story.
Years ago I was invited to one of those male-bonding type parties where we watched Schwarzenegger movies, drank copious amounts of barley-based beverages and consumed a month’s worth of artery-clogging calories. Plus some other stuff.
I was about four beers in when an impromptu bench press contest took place. The host had one of those crappy old hardware store bench press setups with a 15-lb bar. Not a proper 45-lb Olympic bar, but a skinny one that we so overloaded I was worried it would snap. Long story short, no one could lift more than 225. Except for me, who bench 275, twice, to chants of “James! James! James!”
And I ruled as alpha male over that party for the rest of the day, secure in my status as the strongest man in the room.
HA! What a pantload.
Later, we played football in the snow, and I sucked. Then we had a chin-up contest and I came in third. That evening, a poker game started, and I didn’t even play because I knew I’d lose every dime. There was no alpha. There were a bunch of guys of diverse talents hanging out and having a good time together.
Diversity. Men and women are diverse creatures with diverse talents and abilities and attractiveness and financial resources and status. It can’t be simplified down to alpha and beta. Overall, we’re more cooperative and community-oriented than not. That’s how we’ve succeeded as a species: by working together as a team.
The whole concept of alpha maleness is toxic and prevents you from focusing on the real path to self-improvement. Life is not about dominance, but about seeking achievement based on your own terms and what is really important to you. It’s about staying true to your own self, all while seeking to improve. Don’t let someone preaching “be more alpha” strip away your real personality. Don’t sacrifice who you are at your core in order to fulfill some foolish fantasy of what it means to be a man.
I am good at writing, fitness, being a husband and a dad. There are people who admire me for these qualities I have worked hard to develop. I suck at technology, sports, anything mechanical, fashion … it’s a long list of things I’m terrible at, and yet I admire others who are good at them.
I have to pay someone to change the oil in my car because I don’t know how. Does this make me a beta? Probably. My dad built his own house and lives a far more rugged lifestyle than most men can imagine, and yet he doesn’t have much money and sure doesn’t wear fancy clothes. Is he an alpha or a beta?
And somewhere, there is some nerdy little guy who has never lifted a weight in his life or excelled in any sport, and who spends his time staring into a microscope because he’s working on a cure for a terrible disease. And maybe there is a woman who loves him for his genius and his dedication to his work. Is he an alpha, or a beta? This geeky scientist could end up doing more for the betterment of humanity than any football player, rock star or actor.
Do you now see how ridiculous this alpha male concept is?
Pick-up Artists
This will be quick.
It’s another myth designed to separate you from your money. It’s a scam that there are tips and tricks you can learn to con your way into a woman’s pants. It tries to sell you on the concept that many women is better than one, and that you can get more sex by being the alpha male that bangs all the hotties (no one below a “7” – leave those skanks for the betas).
No one owes you anything. You’re not born into this world entitled to vaginal access.
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Again, it’s about women as targets for you to shoot at with your penis. It’s not a healthy mindset, and women can pick up on that vibe and most will reject any member of the YCC who gives it off. To find a woman who is worthy of you, you need to be your genuine self. The whole concept of the pick-up artist is about killing who you really are and replacing it with some peacocking bullshit.
More on a viable alternative to the PUA approach later.
Men’s Rights Activists
Never debate one of these guys. It’s like trying to convince a young earth creationist with carbon-dating evidence and the fossil record that the planet really is more than 6,000 years old. They won’t listen to reason.
“I still haven’t met a feminist that didn’t hate men.”
A self-professed men’s rights activist wrote that on Facebook last night, and I called him out on it, trying to convince him it was a misogynistic statement, and he could not see the error of his proclamation. He dug deeper, feeling the poor, unfortunate, persecuted male.
And this is the biggest crock of shit in the YCC.
An MRA is like a guy who got a waffle cone with three scoops of ice cream: peanut-butter chocolate, Oreo, and cookie dough flavors. And yet, he complains because someone left off the chocolate sprinkles. An MRA is like a multi-millionaire who whines that a tax loophole was closed and he’s going to lose 0.5% of his annual income.
These guys believe that the traditionally oppressed groups have somehow seized control and taken away all of their white male privilege. Often the leaders are men who feel as though they got screwed in a divorce. They quote all sorts of statistics about child custody and unfair alimony payments because no single mother ever had to make the decision about feeding the kids or paying the rent.
They’ll talk about how men get raped too, and how men are abused in relationships too, and how there really is no glass ceiling or pay inequality, and that bitch got my promotion just because she has a uterus.
They’re the mythically oppressed white males, and women stole everything that it means to be a man. In reality, it’s a thinly veiled hate group based around delusional thinking. A fair bit of it seems to be based around having to pay child support.
But it has grown beyond that into “women are trying to keep us down, usurp all our power, taking away what it means to be a man.” In the old days, being a man meant having the privilege of beating and raping your wife with impunity. Taking away that privilege is a good thing. Putting rapists in prison is a good thing. Preventing rape in the first place is an even better thing, and to do that, we need to talk about it. We need to let people know that it is NOT okay!
Men, especially white men, still hold many of the cards. They’re saying the system has skewed in the female’s favor, and they’re now the ones being oppressed, and they’re pissed. They preach equality, asserting their “rights,” but equality is the last thing they want. If they achieved equality, that triple scoop waffle cone rapidly becomes a single scoop of vanilla in a regular cone.
There is WAY more to what’s wrong with MRAs than that, but I’m going to stop here.
Are there some problems with specific instances of inequality? Yes. Is there some anti-male sentiment out there? Yeah, that happens too. Sometimes, we white guys don’t get our chocolate sprinkles and, in such instances, there can be legitimate complaints put forth on specific issues, but overall, MRA is another toxic movement that just needs to die.
And how it dies is by convincing you not to be a part of it. It’s wrapped up in so much whining negativity and combativeness that it’s not going to help any man improve his life or his ability to get laid.
Wait, what’s this about getting laid?
I want to help you get laid.
I mean, why the hell not? Sex is awesome. If more people were having wonderful, consensual sex the world would be a better place. The YCC isn’t going to help you be a better man. It isn’t going to help you be happier. It isn’t going to help you get laid.
What will? Well, I’ve already written a bunch of stuff on that, and I’ll link to it in a moment. I mean, SixPackAbs.com isn’t just about abs. That would be terribly shallow. It’s a metaphor for kicking ass at life, life on your own terms.
As a heterosexual male, on this subject I can only write what I know, so please understand that this is not meant to exclude any sexual preferences. Whatever is legal and consensual and makes you happy, you go.
Life isn’t fair. Life is NOT fair.
Women will judge you. Some will judge you based on your appearance, your height, your width, your penis size, your wealth, your car, your clothes, your acne … they will judge you the exact same way you judge them.
No one owes you anything. You’re not born into this world entitled to vaginal access. You have to earn it through hard work of becoming a man worthy of a woman wanting to take her clothes off in your presence.
And here is the “Well, duh!” If you’re not granted vaginal access, you don’t get to rape them, and you don’t get to murder them. They’re not bitches. They’re not skanks. They’re not sluts. They’re just not interested.
They are just not interested. Get over it, and get better, and perhaps one day someone will become interested.
You can’t improve your height, but you can improve in other ways. You can’t change your penis size, but you can change your technique. You can’t do much about the shape of your face, but you can alter the shape of your physique.
You can’t become some bullshit concept of an alpha male, but you can work on you. You can find out what your DNA is all about, take what’s encoded into those genes, and work with the best aspects of it to create something unique, something worthy, something that’s awesome in a certain way. It’s not about who can lift the most, have the most shredded abs, the most money, the fanciest car, the loudest voice or the largest member.
Nice guys don’t finish last. Yes, sometimes some women can be attracted to the “bad boy,” but the reality is that what they’re (sometimes) attracted to isn’t the bad aspect, but the confident one. It’s not “I am confident I can get into your pants.” It is more “I am confident in who I am and what I am doing with my life.”
This whole post so far has been about not going to the dark side. It’s about not falling for the false promises of the YCC and getting sucked into misogyny and hate and entitlement. If you want to have a good life, you need to be a good man.
There is merit in questing for being good at something worthwhile. Take your innate talents, and go on a quest. Work, dammit! Work hard. Seek help. Seek the advice of those who have been there and succeeded. Log the hours and adapt and strive and learn and work some more. Well-targeted and properly planned persistence fueled by passion can take you a long way, and people will notice. Some women will notice. Perhaps the right woman will notice.
This is a long post, but there is more. Are you having trouble with confidence and getting laid? I have some advice on that. He’s some additional reading:
How to find (and keep) a girlfriend. This is an even longer read, but it tells you most of what I know on the subject.
Will six-pack abs get you laid? Short answer: No, not directly, but the pursuit of abs just might.
How to build your confidence. It’s a sexy trait, don’t ya know?
This piece began with the discussion of a tragedy, so let’s circle back to that.
Yes, Elliot Rodger was almost certainly mentally ill, but he might not have committed such a heinous crime had he not been sucked into the YCC community. The world is changing, and what it means to humans is changing along with it, regardless of gender. You can’t pine for what people mistakenly believed were the good old days but, instead, you can adapt and grow, and move into the future, confident, unafraid, and awesome.
Go forth and be yourself. Go forth and be awesome. Go forth, and be your own awesome self, and you will be just fine.
Follow James on Facebook and Twitter.
He is also the author of the ebook Mission: Motivation – A Realistic Guide to Getting and Staying Fit published by AskMen and available for Kindle, Kobo,Nook and iTunes.
Originally appeared at SixPackAbs.com
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Alpha insinuates elitism – no one is a master of everything and knows it all… we all have strengths and weaknesses and admitting your weaknesses is the first step to turning them into strengths.
Great article!
The truth is what you describe here is not what it means to be “Alpha Male” but it describes “Toxic Masculinity”. This term originated from analysis of young men who grow up without father figures and never learn what it means to be a man. As you said, a “nut-case” (especially a large one) will scare people away and is not an Alpha Male. A true Alpha Male is not just physically strong but emotionally stable and highly intelligent. The fact that the far left/feminist crowd wants to use the “Toxic” term against basically all men that don’t fall in… Read more »
Awesome James,
Its good that you have shed some light on this whole concept of being Alpha. Have men lost their sense of what it means to be a man, and to be masculine, that they need to based their behavior on a wolf? You’re right, it’s a marketing gimmick for someone to make some cash,.
I love this article I have had an uphill battle trying to male this point, however the media, music industry and Hollywood have done a superb job at drilling the primitive Alpha and Beta male stereotype into our culture. How can one as a man successfully communicate this message written in this wonderful article to a woman who judges and values men based on this Alpha and Beta male bs fabrication. What’s a good way to do this and is it even worth the time considering this incorrect ideology has been driven deep into our culture.
If the alpha male was real then the boys that had girlfriends in high school would be the nerds or in band. I seem to remember the only boys that got the girls were the ones that had the most feminine features and on one of the sports teams. Why did the girls go for boys that looked most like other girls? Then after high school they only seek so called ” alpha” males.
Younger girls go for the more androgynous types while older women who are more serious about settling down look more for a protector. Protector males is 20% physicality and 80% mentality. So a small man who is willing to put his life on the line to protect those around him will actually get more women then the larger male who is more timid.
THANK YOU for writing this article! I like the term YCC much better than (so-called) ‘Men’s Rights’: as these reactionary anti-feminists do little for men who are legitimately suffering because of sexism. Rather than granting help and resources, they take advantage of men who are victims of sexism. And they only make things worse by championing the ridiculous ‘alpha’ as the only way to be a ‘real’ man. Even if feminism (albeit a warped and fallacious version of it) is held up as a scapegoat for the ‘pussification’ of men, the message is clear: women are weak and inferior- so… Read more »
In all it was a great article.. As for your comments on MRA it is a bit skewed and I should say you understood it all wrong. As I can understand they and MGTOWs are only saying if you’re not allowed to better the playing field then make it fair – legally and even morally. I bet most people fail to check the contents of this sites in fear of ‘being labeled’ or just because of all the disinformation of mainstream feminist media they think they already know about them ‘enough’ to label them misogynists and hate-groups and even rapists… Read more »
Something you could add to the “men’s rights activism” part is how most, if not all of the issues men complain about are caused by the patriarchy and for whatever reason, they’re blaming feminism.
Basically, complaining about problems caused by other men and blaming women somehow
An article written by someone with the intelligence to articulate what I’ve been thinking for years. I’m reminded of the excellent documentary ‘Bigger, Stronger, Faster which I believe highlights the insidious, attitude warping nature of “alpha male” syndrome.
The only thing I disagree with is the opinion that the PUA group caused that guy to murder people. Look, I don’t agree with most of what they say, but they aren’t to blame for murder. I think the guy was probably mentally I’ll.
I loved this article. Bravo! And by the way, my “beta” male is #1 to me, and I treat him like a king. Give me the nice guys ANY day of the week. A real man can be loving and giving without losing his strength or dignity.
There you have it: yet another article in which the author wants society to become weak, pathetic and uninteresting… all while the 1% have an easier time holding our uncompetitive selves down. Wake the fuck up, sheeple.
“These books seek to “redefine what it really means to be an alpha male.” Really, it’s not just a bunch of cock-sure, arrogant and self-entitled assholes. It’s a gentleman.” “The whole concept of the pick-up artist is about killing who you really are and replacing it with some peacocking bullshit.” Funny, I can’t find this stuff in Roissy’s, Roosh’s, YaReally’s, or any other competent PUA site. Nowhere are men encouraged to act like “perfect gentlemen” nor is peacocking a major point. PUA sites recommend that men act like cocky jerks if they want to be attractive to women. You might… Read more »
My boyfriend was a virgin until he was 25; by the time he was 32 (when I met him) he’d only had sex five times in his life and had never had a serious girlfriend. I was raised in an abusive home where my father ruled as “Alpha” and had been purposely single for several years when I met him- following a string of abusive and controlling relationships with men that mirrored my childhood. We both approached each other cautiously, and took things slowly. The ideological crossroad of this tragedy- the differing ways the toxic myth of the alpha male… Read more »
That was absolutely beautiful. I wish I’d have met my wife, who sounds much like yourself, back in my 20’s or 30’s, as I identify with your man, and his pain. Good for you two. I hope you cherish each other forever.
Good lord the censorship on this article. Where have the comments gone? I dunno why comments are even open on this article if you’re not willing to take legitimate criticism of the downright ignorant view this author has towards an entire group of people.
Maybe I spoke too soon. Your access to this forum may be ending. That would be a shame.
I dunno what it is, my comments were up for a while from what I saw. Other articles are fine and my comments are there. I just find the hating on an entire group to be ridiculous, especially when if you hate on the opposite group you’d stir up major drama.
“You’re not born into this world entitled to vaginal access. You have to earn it through hard work of becoming a man worthy of a woman wanting to take her clothes off in your presence.” I don’t think you earn vaginal access through hard work or otherwise. To borrow from religious scholars – vaginal access is a matter of grace and not good works. By a similar token, I also don’t think vaginal access granted or withheld by a particular woman should be viewed by the man or society as a metric of the man’s worth. The view that how… Read more »
Couldn’t have said it better. Your worth is not determined by the opposite gender whether your a man or a women. There’s the real toxicity. Isn’t this a key principle of feminism?
MRA’s …… Just like a quote many years about Catholics, there may be a few hundred that truly hate MRA’s but there are thousands that hate what they “think” MRA’s are. People need to get educated and not go off of “popular beliefs.”
Think you co write about male frustration outside of the context of either some mass murderer, or pickup artistry? My guess is you don’t care about it except as a supporting argument for your dislike of PUA. But then most people are uncomfortable discussing male frustration.
Good article up to this section: “Wait, what’s this about getting laid?”
With the exception of these paragraphs, from: “Life isn’t fair. Life is NOT fair.” through “They’re just not interested. They are just not interested. Get over it, and get better, and perhaps one day someone will become interested.”
Otherwise the rest of that section feels like stealth PUA.
Ok, its settled now and the exploitative and false accusations that are being circulated have been exposed for what they are.
Elliot was half Chinese and his motivation was mainly to do with race.
https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/the-myth-of-the-alpha-male-hesaid/
Hate to tell you James, but people die every day for no good reasons that have nothing to do with YCC.
The Alpha/Beta/Omega model is about socioeconomic status where Alpha politicians use Beta law enforcement to impose their will on the Omegas, which are the vast majority. I noticed that you didn’t mention MGTOW anywhere in your column. What are your feelings on it?
WE love your writing. Well done!!
the Lenart family
The author on the one hand ubiquitously damns the “YCC” community as an accomplice in murder, then offers his own advice and links on how to be a good man, gain muscle mass, confidence, and attract women. There is a huge amount of tension between these polarizations. How can this article, or the goodmenproject be anything but part of the “YCC” community? One would seemingly have to include the other.. Instead of ‘they’ and ‘them’, shouldn’t it be ‘us’ and ‘we’? Besides the dividing line being the ‘good’ from the ‘YCC’, the line between the two is lost on me.… Read more »
Wow. Great reply, especially the last sentence.
Great article. Thanks for bursting the bubble and calling on the Alpaha male BS and PUA marketing. It’s all about being natural and finding authenticity in yourself and your life.
In the same breath the author slams PUAs, then says “I want to help you get laid.” so how does that make him any different from them?
Because he advocates forming healthy bonds where men feel comfortable and happy in their relationships with women. A good woman will give back a hundredfold to a man who treats her with genuine kindness and respect. If I know I can trust you, I will share my whole self enthusiastically and will give, receive and give back pleasure and joy in our sexual intimacy.
I am pretty sure this isn’t too much to ask, but it takes work and it’s scary to be that vulnerable-trust me it’s scary for us women as well.