Thomas Fiffer reveals seven truths about life after an abusive relationship that stay mostly in the shadows.
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While certain wounds are healing, different ones—wounds hidden by the relationship itself—erupt in agony.
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Looking from the outside, you would think when someone finally escapes an abusive relationship, the worst is over. No more torture. No more hell. No more emotional blackmail or physical violence. And with the source of the hurt removed, healing can begin. But after the external danger is gone, and the abuser is (at least physically) out of the picture, the survivor’s internal journey is only beginning. And parts of it can, surprisingly, be tougher and more painful, in a way, than the suffering they endured at the hands of their tormentor. While certain wounds are healing, different ones—wounds hidden by the relationship itself—erupt in agony, not only endangering recovery but also making the survivor wonder if getting out was really worth it. This is one reason it takes the average survivor of intimate partner violence seven times to leave for good. And it’s one reason most people have no idea why it takes so long to heal. Here are seven unspoken (or rarely spoken) truths about the unique challenges survivors face after they’ve gotten out.
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It requires completely rewriting your self-concept to include your victimization without allowing yourself to become a victim.
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1. You have to stop living in denial. After you’re out and the past abuse is out in the open, you are forced to acknowledge it instead of pretending, at least on some level, that it wasn’t happening. This requires you to integrate the awful things that happened to you into who you are, without letting them define you. It’s way beyond reinventing yourself by changing careers or going through a massive paradigm shift. It requires completely rewriting your self-concept to include your victimization without allowing yourself to become a victim. There is a kind of sleight of hand involved in this similar to when the magician runs the knives through the lady in the box but doesn’t actually cut her, because letting go of one self-concept (in which you’ve invested months or years of your life) before the new one is fully formed requires an act of faith.
How can you pine for someone who hurt you?
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2. You have to walk away—and stay away—from something you believed was love. No matter how you look at it, this means heartbreak. Loss of innocence. Shattered hopes and dreams. And unbearable loneliness. How can you pine for someone who hurt you? How can you long to return even though you know it’s the worst possible thing you can do? Because you didn’t want to let go of love, or what you convinced yourself was love, or what some part of you still sees as a chance for love. And because your feelings don’t change the second you decide you can’t live with a person. You may flip from love to hate, but the intensity is no different, and in many cases, you (or a part of you that you hate) may still love that person, even though you know he or she is unhealthy and unsafe. You wanted it to be better, not over. You had no choice, and yet, your choice was terrifyingly difficult.
You learned to be submissive and silent, to second- or even third-guess yourself, to start every sentence with “I’m sorry.”
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3. You have to unlearn your unhealthy coping strategies. You learned every trick to try to keep your abuser happy, or at least to avoid triggering his or her rage. You learned to be submissive and silent, to second- or even third-guess yourself, to start every sentence with “I’m sorry.” You learned to walk around minefields and stay out of the line of fire. To tiptoe around insecurities, walk delicately on eggshells, and act as if parts of you—needs, desires, dreams—didn’t exist. You learned to diminish your own value,and to accept utterly unacceptable treatment. The mind-bends you went through to achieve a modicum of harmony and keep yourself—and perhaps your children—safe from harm—are staggering. And they’re all not only useless but counterproductive and unhealthy in a healthy supportive relationship. So you become a relationship novice again.
Some relationships may never regain the closeness and intimacy they once had.
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4. You have to repair broken bonds with family and friends. This is one of the hardest tasks a survivor faces, particularly if you denied the abuse and defended your abuser while it was happening. These critical relationships are damaged, and even though your family and friends may be tremendously supportive, you may not be aware of the extent of their pain—and they may not want to burden you with it during the early part of your recovery. Some relationships may never regain the closeness and intimacy they once had, especially if you—or your abuser through you—pushed someone away. Your old life doesn’t just snap back into place immediately. You changed, and others changed along with you. Restoring broken relationships is hard work, and focusing on finding a new way to enjoy family and old friends will be more productive than trying to go back to the way things were before.
Forgiving yourself for abandoning yourself, and for the pain that abandonment caused for you and other people you love is different.
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5. You have to forgive yourself. This sounds easy, because you forgive yourself for stuff all the time. We all do. You forgive yourself for being late or screwing up at work. You rationalize the time you waste on unproductive activities (e.g., Facebook). You find ways to let yourself off the hook, because … because it feels good. But forgiving yourself for abandoning yourself, and for the pain that abandonment caused for you and other people you love is different. You obsessively try to understand why you got into an abusive relationship—what was it about you that made you vulnerable, what was it about your abuser that seemed so incredibly appealing. You blame yourself, your childhood, your abuser’s childhood … and yourself again, until you come to a place of true forgiveness and acceptance. “I could have made a healthier choice. But I didn’t. And that’s OK. I lost a lot. But I’m going to be OK. I’m going to be OK, and I’m going to move on.”
The hardest thing is squaring the hatred you were subjected to with the idea that you are worthy of love.
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6. You have to start loving yourself again. When you hate yourself for what you feel you allowed to happen to you, it’s hard to find much self-love. And self-love wasn’t exactly encouraged by your abuser either. You were likely told repeatedly you weren’t lovable—not by anyone except your abuser. So now, who will love you? The answer has to be—you first. Restoring your healthy esteem for yourself must follow self-forgiveness and will allow you to start drawing boundaries that protect you from further harm. A self-care regimen, maintained consistently, can create the feeling of self-love even if you’re not generating it inside. Also, if you are a person of faith, remembering that God loves you can help you through the darkest spaces. The hardest thing is squaring the hatred you were subjected to with the idea that you are worthy of love. The trick? It’s both/and.
Bad advice from good people is still bad advice.
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7. You have to deal with a host of naive, insensitive, self-righteous, but mostly well-meaning people. Everyone who hasn’t lived through an abusive relationship has answers—and questions—for you, especially if they read something on the Internet. And anyone who has been through one, or knows someone who has, listens—quietly and patiently. It’s hard enough to share your truth with yourself (see #1), but to share it with people who don’t get it or think they know how to solve your problems is frustrating and painful. When someone says, “Come on. You’re still young. You have your whole life in front of you,” you don’t want to be rude and say, “Yes, but I’m stinging from the loss of the 15 years I squandered.” But bad advice from good people is still bad advice. This is why it’s so important to find communities of survivors, to talk to people who have experienced the same things you have. It is also crucial to choose carefully the people with whom you share your truth and only do so with those you can trust fully and you know will not use it to hurt you.
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The unspoken secret about life after abuse is that, in many ways, it’s harder than before. Because the seven things listed, along with a whole lot of others, make for excruciating work. And when you see that work as the requirement for leaving, you can see why it’s so hard for people to leave abusive relationships.
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My names are Lilly Ferdinand from Utah USA, its all about the good work of AMIGO, since i got married to my husband i have had miscarriage for 9 times and this was a big problem we seek for medical attention but doctor said everything was normal, but to me i knew something is wrong and was searching for solution until i came across this man AMIGO it was like a dream after reading his numerous works share by others i saw his contact him on Google as Dr Amigo online spell caster i emailed him secretly, my husband was… Read more »
I left after 32 years, this article has helped me to better understand my own journey through healing. It’s a long process and the struggle is real but I’m one day closer to complete freedom every day.
Thank you!
I was seeing a guy for 6 years and thought everything was perfect. It wasn’t until year 2 when I noticed something was off. He called me fat. I cried. He was forgiven and things were I thought the same. He would pick arguments all the time, called me stupid, fat, ugly, useless and worthless. He almost hit me one time during an argument. He made me feel like hiding in an eggshell, was super controlling, possessive and manipulated. Wouldnt let me hangout with friends or even talk to them. His parents were discrimating because im a different religion. Always… Read more »
These are the words I find the most touching and helpfull for me: “When someone says, “Come on. You’re still young. You have your whole life in front of you,” you don’t want to be rude and say, “Yes, but I’m stinging from the loss of the 15 years I squandered.” But bad advice from good people is still bad advice.” and: “It is also crucial to choose carefully the people with whom you share your truth and only do so with those you can trust fully and you know will not use it to hurt you.” What I realize… Read more »
This is the hardest lesson to learn. Love is blind and after 3 years I realize I loved a mask, not a man. Thomas Fiffer’s writing is a gift to help me on my journey. Thank you.
I got out of an abusive relationship only last week.i have been reading many articles ever since.this article is the best.it really really helps.thank you so much for writing it.
This is the best article I have read about how difficult it is to leave an abuser, and how after leaving … things actually feel worse for a long time, and why it feels worse, and why we often get sucked back into a relationship with an abuser. I’m 4 years … and over 25 break ups… I have finally started to believe I am strong enough and worth enough not to go back. And that I deserve to be treated well. I have 1 friend who understands and supports me, everyone else I know falls into the “bad advice… Read more »
I am so thankful….reading these 7 steps gives me hope. I spent 15 years in a abusive relationship. It hurt my son my family and friends to see me still in it. Everyone got tired of my back and forth with him. I lost everyone. I’m thankful that I can plan a recovery loving myself and forgiving myself. With that in effect my relationships with others will slowly commence again. Thank you…
Thank you. This eloquently expresses how I feel. I just want to heal from the damage caused by this man. On the surface he is a hero but I bear the mental scars.
Thank you
Hi Thomas theres so much more Id say the second stage divorce and trying to find a decent lawyer that doesnt take advantage of your weaknesses I just lost everything leaving is so hard
So true in every respect. It’s been 13 years since I got out of an abusive relationship. I lost a lot emotionally and financially. My ex trashed my reputation in my community, and I’ve had to work incredibly hard to undo the harm from her efforts to alienate my children from me. The shame, scars and suffering can continue for a long time after you summon the strength to leave. I feel very fortunate to have met a wonderful, understanding and loving woman to share my life with. It takes a lot of time, introspection, therapy, patience and love to… Read more »
Thank you for this article.it summarises everything i feel inside after surviving a 10 year long abusive marriage.i thought i was the only person feeling like this and felt angry at myself for not leaving my husband sooner.i know now that im not alone.
I have recently (last week) come from an abusive relationship which the exact traits listed above – lost myself, lost my identity, self worth etc.
Thank you for this. As a man, I’m struggling to accept that I got abused by a woman but after reading this article, there is hope 🙂
No one in my life knows that my recent break up was 5 years of physical abuse and I’m not ready to talk about it. This article meant more than you could image.
I know the feelings. Spent 19 years with an unpredictable abusive wife. It was like being in prison. I lost everything getting out. Almost lost my 25 year career after she crafted lies and spread horrible rumors. Yes the loss of self, the loss is esteem, and the loss of all my saving was hard to overcome, there is life on the otherside! Self love, boundaries and finding healthy people is the key. It gets better, I can’t believe how good my life is now and yes I still get upset that I allowed myself to be treated like crap… Read more »
thank you very much for writing this. yes, after leaving an abusive relationship, I was not expecting that the emotional effects of that abuse would continue to challenge me for years to come. this article helps me makes sense of all this in a way that allows me to see myself with compassion. thank you!
As a survivor of abuse from both my dad and ex-husband, I feel as if I could have written this post myself. Thank you for putting into words what I felt, yet could not find the right string of letters to compose together.
I am a blogger who has written on this very subject. There is life after abuse, and yes it is painful, but it is also amazing in so many ways. I am proof of that.
Thank you for this. I am sharing it on our Give Her Wings Facebook page, a non-profit organization that helps women get on their feet after leaving an abusive relationship.
I’m going to show this article to my family & friends. I left a 32 yr relationaship
It was verbally , emotionally and physically abusive. Everyone thinks because I left that all is well! They don’t get it. It’s hard. # 3 really is os true! I was a master at coping. Thanks for this.
Acknowledging it is hard is the start. Reading has really helped me and taking each day as it comes.
How does one find hope? I know it creates trauma bond but how do you break that and move on with your life? It’s like an addiction because they are bad for you but you feel like you need them.
‘How can you pine for someone who hurt you?’ and ‘You wanted it to be better, not over. You had no choice, and yet, your choice was terrifyingly difficult.’ Just those two sentences resonated deep inside me, while reading this, i finally felt as if someone really knew what they were talking about. I can’t thank you enough for this article, it has helped me identify and put into words exactly how i feel! Now that i can identify, i can rebuild and go from there, i was stuck for 2 long, miserable and tumultuous years, and it took great… Read more »
Thank you for this article. I have been in an abusive relationship for over 5 years & needed help on how to stop sobbing..thank you
Hi How to breathe just wanna know if you’re still sobbing or have you gotten strong enough to not even think about it anymore. I to was an abusive relationship. Not all bad but this last time was when he tried to break my nose with his foot. I’ve been gone 2weeks and feel so sad! So I hope all is well with you
OK. I’M SHARING THIS. IT WAS OPENED ON MY COMPUTER BY MISTAKE-MY MOUSE GOING HAYWIRE AS I SLEPT ON TOP OF IT, AFTER FALLING ASLEEP WITH IT IN MY HAND. LOL. I READ THE TITLE BEFORE I FELL ASLEEP AND THOUGHT “OH BROTHER” NOT ANOTHER STUPID ARTICLE WHERE SOMEONE THINKS THEY KNOW SOMETHING OR WORSE YET, A HALF BAKED MADE UP STORY ABOUT AN “ABUSIVE” RELATIONSHIP THAT IS TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING THAT IS OBVIOUS TO ANYONE WHO HAS EVER ACTUALLY EXPERIENCED DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. THEN I SAW THAT THE WRITER WAS A MAN. ANOTHER MARK FOR THE CON COLUMN… Read more »
I didn’t realize it would take so long to recover. I was only in an abusive relationship for 3 years on and off, but I’ve been single for about a year now and am still depressed. I have decided to call a psychiatrist tomorrow to help me deal with this depression. I live my life in fear, worried that some day he will come and try to kill me. Nobody should live like this.
Wow, 22 years after I left everything I had but my daughters and one bag each ..and have not been able to find healing, my daughter sent me your article. I can now begin to understand where I have been stuck for so very many lonely years. Thanks for addressing life as a survivor.