Thomas Fiffer demystifies, debunks, and finally dispenses with the dreaded ‘double standard’ and offers a new 5-point ‘man’-ifesto.
___
I was warned. And now you’ve been warned, too. This is going to be ugly.
I was warned, by the little voice inside my head, and by that other voice that speaks to me sometimes in phrases I end up posting on Facebook—the latest of which was, “The heels of success will ensure that your next step is not only noticed but also scrutinized; this is why your next step must be fully in line with your core mission.
You got that right.
I was warned not to touch the third rail of relationships, not to tread onto this dangerous territory, to stay safely outside its borders writing gender-neutral articles about the awful ways men and women treat each other. But the big red KEEP OUT sign couldn’t stop me. I ignored it, clambered over the barbed wire onto the soil of the Mad As Hell Ranch, landed in a ninja crouch, and sprung up to meet the challenge head-on.
♦◊♦
The math doesn’t do us much service, and it results in men being stereotyped into two primary categories—evil or stupid—the bad boy who uses women and plays by his own rules; or the dumb, insensitive schlep who just doesn’t get it.
|
Let’s start with this. Men have a bad rep. We’re known for treating women badly, in larger numbers and in more physically injurious ways than women are known for hurting men. There are many more of us who rape, more of us who abuse, and lots more of us in prison. The math doesn’t do us much service, and it results in men being stereotyped into two primary categories—evil or stupid—the bad boy who uses women and plays by his own rules; or the dumb, insensitive schlep who just doesn’t get it. Never mind that I don’t fit either type. This isn’t personal. Wait, it is personal, but I’m going to try to depersonalize it as much as I can. It’s personal because I care deeply about this issue, more deeply perhaps than anyone knows, but it’s not personal because there are millions and millions of good men out there, truly good men who try to be the best partners, best providers, and best parents we can be but are still tossed into one of these two piles and pounded on by women whenever we screw up, which, because we’re all human, we inevitably do.
The double-standard is this: When we’re treated badly or worse, abused, men don’t fight back because we’ve been conditioned not to assert our rights.
|
The double-standard is this: When we’re treated badly or worse, abused, men don’t fight back because we’ve been conditioned not to assert our rights. It’s been drilled into us that 1) it’s OK for women to point out our faults, that in fact, it’s funny when they do; 2) our only recourse is to suck it up, bow our heads in shame, and take the criticism (along with the garbage we forgot to take out); and 3) any attempt to discuss, question, or God forbid complain about unfairness is futile, because women are smarter—particularly more emotionally intelligent—and always right. A dear friend once shared with me the advice his father received from his grandfather on the day of his wedding: “There are only three words you need to know to make your marriage work, son. And they’re not the ones you think. These words are, YOU’RE RIGHT, DEAR.”
I’m writing this as a man for The Good Men Project, and my goal is not to be “fair and balanced” but to draw attention to an issue that affects men everywhere …. Men under attack are frequently afraid of losing our partners—and access to our children if we have them—if we don’t capitulate, and the loss of a woman, even if she was torturing you, is typically viewed by men and women alike as a knock on our relationship skills and our very manhood, on our ability to keep a woman, any woman, happy and in our beds.
|
This is not to say there aren’t many evolved partnerships, or that men don’t do their share of picking on women along equally inaccurate and hurtful stereotypes. But I’m writing this as a man for The Good Men Project, and my goal is not to be “fair and balanced” but to draw attention to an issue that affects men everywhere. You may not believe it, and sometimes I have trouble believing it, but I was bullied by my ex-wife and threatened with emotional pain if I didn’t comply with her demands. My purpose here is not to strike back at a past partner but to share my experience of feeling like Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange after being subjected to the Ludovico Treatment. I wanted to fight back, not with my fists, but in an effective way that would stop the attacks, but I couldn’t bring myself to and even if I could have, I didn’t know how. I am a highly skilled debater, and I could argue a point logically to “victory,” but there were no words I could use to win back my dignity or self-respect, no matter how hard I searched for them. As a people-pleaser, I simply wasn’t equipped, and the cultural positioning of men as the culprits for most marital problems, coupled with society’s tacit approval of women spending and stonewalling—emotionally and sexually—to “punish” their partners, were massively unhelpful. So I suffered silently. I also didn’t have guy friends I hung out with in sports bars to complain to about what a bitch my wife was being and have my complaints validated. Sports bars were for the other type of man, the guy who gets together with his buddies and shares his sexploits. And I lacked the courage to stand up for myself, partly because I was whipped, but partly for another, more insidious reason. Men under attack are frequently afraid of losing our partners—and access to our children if we have them—if we don’t capitulate, and the loss of a woman, even if she was torturing you, is typically viewed by men and women alike as a knock on our relationship skills and our very manhood, on our ability to keep a woman, any woman, happy and in our beds. We might have one or two friends who tell us they are glad we got out, but the world at large tends to feel sorry for us.
♦◊♦
I refuse to be pitied as one of those pathetic schleps who’s doomed to live in the relationship doghouse because he never learns how women work or what they really want, or, conversely, to be told I should have “put my wife in her place, shown her who was boss.”
|
Please don’t feel sorry for me. I contributed to the dysfunction in my own ways, including enabling it to continue, but I refuse to be pitied as one of those pathetic schleps who’s doomed to live in the relationship doghouse because he never learns how women work or what they really want, or, conversely, to be told I should have “put my wife in her place, shown her who was boss.” News flash: A relationship is about aligning what you want with what your partner wants, not just about getting your needs met or meeting your partner’s. When meeting your partner’s needs feels good to you, when doing so is personally satisfying and it aligns with your principles and values, when being generous of heart to someone deserving of your love gives meaning to your life, that’s when you call it a relationship, and that’s when love flows freely between partners without obstacles or impediments. If it’s anything less than that, I would call it an unhealthy situation waiting for an ending, a compromise in which you’re trading certain things of value for other things of value, a barter arrangement, an exchange, but not a sacred covenant between two souls, and definitely not something that serves your soul’s best interests.
When meeting your partner’s needs feels good to you, when doing so is personally satisfying and it aligns with your principles and values, when being generous of heart to someone deserving of your love gives meaning to your life, that’s when you call it a relationship …. If it’s anything less than that, I would call it an unhealthy situation waiting for an ending …
♦◊♦
My advice to women, unsolicited but offered anyway is this: Stop believing, buying into, and basing your behavior with us on cardboard-character stereotypes that a) don’t reflect reality; b) men find insulting; and c) position both partners as enemy combatants on the field of life. Instead, partner with us, acknowledge that our feelings and emotions run as deep as yours, that we understand more than you generally give us credit for, and that we’re trying just as hard as you are to make it work. Really, we get what relationships are supposed to be—at least many of us do.
My advice to men, those creatures not known in the world of sitcoms for our ability to follow directions or directives unless they’re orders from our bosses or numbered items on a “honey-do” list, is to reclaim our identity by simply saying, “That’s not me.” My neighbor might act like Homer Simpson, but that doesn’t mean I’m him, and I don’t want to be boxed or pigeonholed; bent, folded, spindled, or mutilated; or told I’m “just like all the rest.”
So here’s my new “man”-ifesto for the modern man, to apply to any intimate relationship.
1. If you hurt me, I won’t suck it up. I will say ouch, and I won’t let you do it again.
2. If you disparage me, I will call you on it. I will not humor you or hang my head in shame.
3. If you cheat on me, I will not automatically blame myself for your loneliness.
4. If you abuse me in any way, I will walk away, because my fear of losing myself is greater than my fear of losing you.
5. I demand a partnership of equals with no double standards, and I will accept nothing less.
Photo—cogdogblog/Flickr
I just read this article on The Good Men Project about what happens when a woman hits a man. It’s remarkably powerful and speaks to the issue I’m addressing here with the true story of a Marine veteran who was assaulted by his wife. https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/brand-what-do-you-do-when-a-girl-hits-you/.
Fantastic! I nominate Schrodinger’s Rapist as first on the guillotine.
Oirish, I didn’t know about Schrodinger’s Rapist, and I wouldn’t recommend chopping off anyone’s head, but it appears to be material that reinforces the destructive stereotypes, so perhaps it needs—metaphorically of course—to be cut off at the knees.
MTOW, or Men Going Their Own Way is not about rejecting women, but a system that we have been taught to buy into all of our lives: that your only purpose for existing is to provide and/or die. Your only worth comes from what you can do for others, and must never be questioned. Women got the same messages we did, just from a different direction. There is an outgrowth of MGTOW called Zeta Masculinity that rejects traditional roles and having to do things just because “you are the man”. No one, man or woman is worth sacrificing your dignity… Read more »
Wes, That’s it exactly. “No one, man or woman is worth sacrificing your dignity or self respect.”
Ya know what I see common in a lot of comments and articles for that matter, is that even though an article and responses are related to “men,” “and women” is often added. Wes, I’m not knocking what you said but it struck me when I read it.
Hi Thomas Thank you for a fine article. As a woman I can say the same 🙂 Women wants to be treated with dignity and respect. Of course men should expect the same from a woman. This is a good list: ” 1. If you hurt me, I won’t suck it up. I will say ouch, and I won’t let you do it again 2. If you disparage me, I will call you on it. I will not humor you or hang my head in shame. 3. If you cheat on me, I will not automatically blame myself for your… Read more »
iben, You are welcome. I agree completely that the rules should be identical for women. Mutual respect is mandatory.
I agree with some of Eagle’s comments, but broadly speaking – yes, moar of this pls
OirishM, Thank you. I did remove the part about men deserving the bad rep, because it conflicts with the message of the piece. And I agree that we need a lot more of this before things will change.
Great article. Really loved it. This is what the Good Men Project should be about: teaching the world that men are good, or at least just as good as women. The world doesn’t understand that. On the subject of violence. Even if men are more violent than women – which is itself questionable – it doesn’t then follow than men are worse people than women. It only means that men are worse in violence. Women for their parts have their own weak spots. We must also not fall into the trap of believing that criminal and immoral are interchangeable. Legislators… Read more »
I once read that back in the 18th century there were indeed as many women in prison as men. A sociological study on that observation would be most enlightening, as to how and why, and why not now.
Theorema, That would indeed be interesting. I also find it fascinating that for as long as there have been laws, men have been the lawmakers, and yet we punish and imprison so many more of “our own.” I have an opinion about that: the men who make the laws lock up other men whom they consider threats to their own ability to find women and procreate, as well as to keeping their families safe, and they don’t lock up women in large numbers because then there wouldn’t be enough women to procreate with. I’m not sure if that’s correct, but… Read more »
Thanda, Thanks for the affirmation. I am taking all the comments about violence to heart, because my words about that—which were not intended to form the main thrust of the article—clearly touched a nerve I hadn’t counted on touching. I think the take-away from the statistics is that people form opinions based on facts, but those opinions don’t always reflect the truth behind the facts and can therefore be both incorrect and injurious. Just as men are conditioned not to fight back when abused by women, many of us are also conditioned to be violent (through dysfunctional upbringing and the… Read more »
OP: “Thanda, Thanks for the affirmation. I am taking all the comments about violence to heart, because my words about that—which were not intended to form the main thrust of the article—clearly touched a nerve I hadn’t counted on touching.” Well, it’s like you said earlier in your article about men needing to stand up for themselves. They didn’t take kindly to your assertion that they deserve the stereotypes and baseless assumptions flung at them due to statistics. Thus, they exercised your message. In return, you altered it. That’s a good thing. Because these men have encountered people with the… Read more »
Men are also more protective of women to the point of dying for them, women are one of the most protected classes in many countries. Chivalry existed to protect women n children so whilst men are more likely to hurt women, men are also far more likely to protect n care for women.
Be careful with how you lay blame on men for greater violence.
Archy, Yes, the sword—so to speak—cuts both ways. Violence towards anyone—men or women—is wrong, and to the degree we can reduce incidences of male violence against women—specifically rape and abuse—we are making the world a better place. Those types of violence, which are power-based, are pervasive, as are the ways I identify that women abuse men, more subtly and less violently, with behaviors such as withholding sex or emotional support to punish us. I’m much less interested in where the blame falls for violence than in eradicating it altogether.
OP: “The double-standard is this: When we’re treated badly or worse, abused, men don’t fight back because we’ve been conditioned not to assert our rights.” Yet, you say this before it: OP: “Let’s start with this. Men have a bad rep, and to a large degree, we deserve it.” No, men don’t deserve it. Period. Regardless of statistics or whatever paranoia about them are peddled out in the media or by special interest groups. These men you talk about, they’re not men as a collective. They are troublemakers, deviants, perverts, and criminals. The rest of the population are just decent… Read more »
Eagle35, I love reading your stuff. The sad part, we can say all this but still, very little is changing. 1. Men who are speaking out are not being heard and 2. we have a hell of a lot of men who are totally oblivious to what’s happened and is happening. I’ve been following this men’s movement for 30+years and I can tell ya ….. in some aspects it’s only gotten worse.
Tom, I am hoping this article will serve to bring about the change that is needed.
Eagle35, It surely wasn’t my intention, writing here for GMP, to extend any guilt by association to the vast majority of good men. Note: “There are millions and millions of good men out there, truly good men who try to be the best partners, best providers, and best parents we can be but are still tossed into one of these two piles and pounded on by women whenever we screw up, which, because we’re all human, we inevitably do.” But I think it’s fair to acknowledge that men differ from women, particularly when it comes to the use of force… Read more »
OP: ” But I think it’s fair to acknowledge that men differ from women, particularly when it comes to the use of force and violence, and that the numbers bear that out.” Not according to the latest CDC numbers. Unfortunately, since forced envelopment isn’t counted as rape that leaves a ton of male victims and survivors out. But again, I’m not here to turn this into statistics waving contest. The point is, you can’t trust the statistics you use as an example to try and make it out that women are not in the same league as men in terms… Read more »
Surrendering by accepting popular yet wildly inaccurate statistics as truth is wrong. Men are not any better overall than women are morally….yet we are not any worse either. As a culture we need to break-out of that victorian era social programming ideal. When the shit hits the fan the majority of people that put their lives where their mouths are to help are men. 3 weeks ago after dropping my wife off at the Subway in NYC…..driving back in heavy snow the van in front of me stopped in the middle of a turn on a heavy traffic 8 lane… Read more »
Trey, Men are, for the most part, the first responders, though there are many women who serve in law enforcement and as EMTs, etc. I think men and women are programmed to help in different ways. I agree that men are no more or less moral than women, and the point I make in the article about our having feelings that run just as deep and asking women to partner with us and recognize us as equals in that regard speaks to that.
@ Thomas “But I think it’s fair to acknowledge that men differ from women, particularly when it comes to the use of force and violence, and that the numbers bear that out. In this respect, we need to be better, but that’s the subject of another article. The purpose of the dialogue here is create better men, and one way to do that is to acknowledge our flaws up front and work to correct them, to be open and not defensive. My purpose in pointing out the “bad rep” was not to be critical of men but to show how… Read more »
John, You raise valid points, both about hitting being wrong no matter who’s doing it (a given), and violence by women being seen as less bad than violence by men. And yes, getting hit hurts in many ways, whether or not the blow leaves a mark. I think it’s also likely that a woman’s violence against a man is likely to be seen in society and the courts as self-defense or somehow provoked by the man’s aggression, rather than a result of her own lack of self-control. This brings up another double standard, because we all agree that a man’s… Read more »
@ Eagle35 There are contradictions in the piece that make it difficult to critique. “There are many more of us who rape, more of us who abuse, and lots more of us in prison. The math doesn’t do us much service, ” “The double-standard is this: When we’re treated badly or worse, abused, men don’t fight back ” There is a reliance on statistics and then a statement that suggests that the statistics are unreliable. Do many more men rape? It seems more men commit rape, but there are studies that suggest that the numbers are significantly closer than commonly… Read more »
John, I didn’t do a statistical analysis. Society’s perception is clearly that more men rape, abuse, and hurt women than vice versa. There is no doubt that women harm men—particularly emotionally—in numbers that are not reflected in those statistics. Pointing out the double standard is not a contradiction. “We’re known for treating women badly, in larger numbers and in more physically injurious ways than women are known for hurting men.” The point here is to establish a new standard of mutual respect and to empower men to stand up for our rights when faced with destructive stereotypes. I’m a bit… Read more »
@ Thomas I appreciate that this is one of few articles on GMP that tell men to stand up for themselves. I hope I didn’t sound harsh. I think it was an attempt to be even-handed, but it also obscures the message. Men are (unfairly) stereotyped as being evil because (many) men do bad things. I’m not sure why that has anything to do with why men have been conditioned not to fight back (against women). Being a good man on this site has focused on how men can join in correcting injustices against others. It’s about time that men… Read more »
John, Don’t worry. You didn’t sound harsh. And I didn’t mean to obscure the message, but I see how I did. Your last line takes my breath away. Yes, absolutely. Being a good man doesn’t mean overlooking injustice when done to oneself or one’s brothers.