Ted Cox took on the identity of a closeted Mormon for a weekend of crying, singing, and wrestling. It was the first time he felt another man’s erection.
I don’t remember exactly when I felt his erection pressing into my back. It might have been while he whispered in my ear, “Long ago, you were the Golden Child. But somehow, that Golden Child was hurt, and you put up a wall to protect yourself.” Or it might have been when other men in the room broke out in song:
How could anyone ever tell you
That you’re anything less than beautiful?
How could anyone ever tell you
That you’re less than whole?
I sat on the floor between the outstretched legs of a camp guide, my head leaning back against his shoulder. The guide sat behind me, his arms wrapped around my chest. This hold was called the “Motorcycle.” Five men surrounded the two of us, their hands resting gently on my arms, legs, and chest.
There were about 10 other groups like this sitting on the floor in the darkened room. One guide gave “healing touch therapy” while the surrounding men rested their hands on the receiver. Some men were held in the Motorcycle position. Others were turned toward their guide, cradled the way a parent would hold a child who had just scraped her knee on the sidewalk.
In one corner of the room, a portable stereo played Shaina Noll’s song. At one point, the staff members all sang out in unison, their voices filling the high walls of the camp lodge. Somewhere in the room, a man sobbed over the sound of the music.
It was the first night of “Journey into Manhood,” or JiM, a 48-hour weekend retreat designed to help gay men become straight. In that room, about fifty men—some 30 “Journeyers” and 15 staff members—sat on the carpeted floor of a ranch lodge two hours outside of Phoenix, Arizona. Most of the men, except for a few of the staff members, struggled to overcome their attraction to other men.
Sometime during all that holding and touching and singing, while I was cradled in the Motorcycle position, I felt it: the unmistakable bulge pressing through his tight jeans. It was the first time in my life I had a felt another man’s erection.
♦◊♦
What the staff members and other Journeyers didn’t know was that I was attending the weekend undercover. I’m straight. I’m also an atheist. By that February evening, I had been undercover in the so-called “ex-gay” movement for just over a year. Before signing up for the $650 JiM weekend, I had attended weekly support-group meetings and weekend conferences geared toward Christian men and women desperately trying to overcome their same-sex attractions. I am currently writing a book about my experiences posing as a same-sex-attracted Christian man—“SSA man,” in the lingo.
My motivation for undertaking this wild project stems from several factors. First, I was raised in the Mormon church, which has taken the lead against equal marriage rights for gays and lesbians. It’s been 10 years since I left Mormonism, and I feel a particular need to stand up against the church’s well-funded opposition to marriage equality. (I wonder what Mormonism’s polygamous founder, Joseph Smith, Jr., and his successor, Brigham Young, would say about the “Marriage = 1 Man + 1 Woman” bumper stickers slapped on so many Mormon minivans.)
Second, while the ex-gay movement has publicly declared they can bring “freedom from homosexuality,” there’s no evidence that someone can change his or her orientation through these religiously motivated programs. Rather than turning straight, the men and women I met throughout this project dealt with a cycle of repression, backsliding into sin, then shame, guilt, and repentance. These programs collect hundreds of thousands of dollars each year on a promise they can’t deliver.
Third, these programs are dangerous. Ex-gay watchdog groups document the stories of men who, after years of failed attempts to become straight, resort to suicide. Later I’ll introduce you to Eric, a fellow JiM attendee who would hook up with men on Craigslist and then go home to his unsuspecting wife. For many men in ex-gay programs, often their wives, friends, family, and church members have no idea they struggle with SSA.
What I saw and experienced at JiM both enraged and disturbed me. I had trouble staying in character as I watched one man, as part of his therapy, act out beating his father to death with a baseball bat—just one of several “Are you kidding?” moments. How anyone could believe that a JiM weekend could turn a man straight still baffles me.
To be fair, I had several positive experiences that weekend. I saw several men, some for the first time in their lives, lose the anxiety they felt about their sexual orientation. Up until that weekend, some of them had never told anyone about their struggle with SSA. In the course of the retreat, they would relax around other men who struggled the same way they did.
♦◊♦
Journey into Manhood cofounder and “Certified Life Coach” Rich Wyler goes to great lengths to keep his techniques hidden from public scrutiny. Only after I had booked my non-refundable flight and paid the non-refundable retreat deposit was I informed that all Journeyers are required to sign a confidentiality agreement. Last year, when I attempted to write an article for Salt Lake City Weekly to run the week that Journey into Manhood arrived in Salt Lake City, Wyler complained to the paper, citing the confidentiality agreement I signed.
While the article idea I pitched to SLC Weekly would discuss only publicly available information about Wyler and Journey into Manhood, SLC Weekly—citing insufficient time to run the piece past their legal department—pulled the article and interviewed me instead.
After that interview, I discussed the confidentiality agreement with attorneys, editors, journalists, and gay-rights activists. As a result of those discussions, I have decided to discuss in detail several aspects of the JiM weekend. The decision was not easy. But given what I experienced, the pain many of these men feel, and the money Wyler’s organization takes from them, I feel obligated to speak out.
The Friday morning of the retreat, I double-checked my bags to make sure I didn’t pack anything that might divulge my true identity or my secular tendencies. Stricken from the usual weekend-getaway packing list were my iPod (for the Rage Against the Machine and Immortal Technique albums), and my current reading list (Karen Armstrong’s The Bible: A Biography and Tom Wolfe’s The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test).
Before flying out of my hometown of Sacramento, I sent the camp location and phone number to a handful of friends. I told them that if they didn’t hear from me by Sunday night, they should contact the authorities. I did fear a bit for my safety: I worried what would happen if I was, well, outed.
The flight stopped over at LAX, where a blinking cockpit light forced passengers to switch planes. So by the time I touched down in Phoenix, I was almost an hour late. I rushed through the baggage claim looking for Robert, my carpool driver.
In the days leading up to the retreat, PCC (“People Can Change,” the sponsor) arranged for men driving from close locations or arriving at the airport at close times to ride together to camp. Since I had paid almost $900 in camp fees and airfare, my wallet was happy to avoid renting a car for the weekend.
♦◊♦
I’m riding with three other men. Two of them sit in those slouchy leather airport chairs. The third guy’s plane should touch down soon.
Robert is a quiet, pudgy, middle-aged man from California. He’s married with children, has attended ex-gay programs for several years, and signed up for JiM (“Journey into Manhood”) on the recommendation of one of his ministry leaders.
Dave is a young father from Texas. He’s a lifelong Mormon and works a corporate job. Before attending JiM, he took part in the controversial “New Warrior Training Adventure” weekend.
Tony finally de-planes. As we climb into Robert’s rental car, Tony shares his story: he’s single, in his 30s, and hails from Texas, where he works as a biologist. He tells us that this is his second time attending JiM. I’m surprised: doesn’t the effectiveness of the JiM weekend depend on our not knowing what happens beforehand? Isn’t that the reason we have to keep JiM techniques secret?
I prod Tony to divulge information about what to expect, but he won’t budge. Plus, he attended a few years ago, and he thinks the program may have changed since then.
As the city gives way to dry rolling desert hills, we talk about our lives.
Dave talks about life with his boys. Robert and his wife have been struggling financially, but they seem to be doing OK. Tony loves his work in the science field.
For the most part, I dodge the group’s questions. But when pressed, I try to answer their questions with as much truth as possible.
I use the same cover story since I began attending ex-gay programs: From a young age, I was attracted to other guys (false); I was raised in the Mormon church (true), and served a mission (true); I married in my early 20s (true), but the marriage fell apart (true) after I fell in love with my best friend, Brian (false). After my younger brother’s suicide in 2003 (true), I reevaluated my life (true) and had a religious reconversion (false). I recently joined ex-gay ministries in 2007 (true), even though I still haven’t found a new faith (false).
Yes, I’m lying to them. And I feel horrible for it. It doesn’t help that from our long conversation during the ride to camp, I learn that these guys are good men, the kind of people you hope to have as neighbors.
♦◊♦
The mood in the car grows tense with anticipation as we travel the last few twisty miles to the white ranch gates. Outside the window, the desert stretches out in all directions. We’re in the middle of nowhere.
As Robert pulls the car into the dirt parking lot, I panic. What happens if my cover is blown? Or if I decide I want to leave the weekend early? The carpool saved me some cash, but on the other hand, I can’t really leave unless Robert drives me out. Or would I have to walk the dusty dirt road to the highway? And then what? Hitchhike back to the airport?
It feels like no matter what happens, I’m stuck here for the weekend.
Robert shuts off the engine. Per the instructions PCC emailed us before the weekend, I collect everyone’s cellphones and close them up in the glove compartment. There will be no contact with the outside world until Sunday afternoon.
The four of us step out of the car and pull our bags out of the trunk.
Then things get real weird, real fast.
About Ted Cox
For your information, this is someone's experience at a Journey into Manhood camp. I'm glad you got out of going to the [...]
Wow. Excellent. Riveting. Fascinating. I don’t mean to be glib, but what they all need is a weekend in San Francisco. Here in the Bay Area, it’s all good – even with a mega Mormon church just down the road. The oppression, the sense that they can “beat it out of you” is so sad. You’re right: Dave has no easy options. But repressing the already deeply repressed just makes the whole thing so much sadder.
Fantastic read! I shared it on facebook. I hope this publication prompts the organizers of JiM to rethink their camps direction. It’s obviously a camp for gay men to socialize, why hide behind hypocrisy? Seriously, putting a room full of sexually repressed gay men together, in a secluded location, with a confidentiality agreement – what can you expect but a roomful of erections?
Fantastic work! Much needed and I believe will do more good than any perceived harm!
Well done, Ted. Though I am not familiar with the organization, and don’t know anyone associated with it, I would imagine that those involved with JiM are very earnest and decent people. They are just zealous, even “evangelical”, about something they believe in deeply. They are not different, in that way, from gays and lesbians who feel passionately compelled to fight for gay rights. I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness as I read your piece. There seemed little room for genuine, caring honest interaction. It was all staged, as that genre of experience often is, but orchestrated in such a way to dictate an expected outcome, rather than offer a genuine forum for exploration and discovery. How real can a “conversion” be, when it is so obviously coerced? That’s assuming that a “conversion” of the sort that JiM is promoting is even possible – which I don’t believe in the first place.
Yikes. This article does not sit right with me. I know it wasn’t your intention, but it definitely feels exploitative. You yourself even mention feeling you “had intruded enough into their lives” just by being there, let alone writing an expose. You’re not Mormon anymore and you’re not gay (as you make very clear in several areas of the article. Side note: was it necessary to include the part about you boning your ex-girlfriend?), so I don’t understand how you thought this experience would be effective. Regardless of your or anyone’s stance on Mormonism or sexual biology, this retreat was a deeply personal choice for all of the participants, something they feel they need. That’s really not for you or any reader to scrutinize.
Kim, while I think I understand your sensitivity, I disagree with your conclusion. There is a lot that goes on “in secret” that is far more exploitative than anything that appears in Ted’s article. There may be some, maybe many, maybe most, who go to retreats like that because they genuinely think that they can and should change their behavior. But there are some, maybe many, who go because they have been manipulated, or chastised, into thinking that they are bad people who need to choose differently “or else”. Empowerment is, in my view, best accomplished in the light of day, not in secret ceremonies and darkened rooms. I appreciate the look behind the curtain that Ted offers. If there is anyone who was at that retreat, or one like it, and reads Ted’s article and feels exploited, my question would be, “exploited by whom?”
As a journalist and someone who is curious about the inner-workings of such organizations, I think this was eye-opening and extremely interesting. But I do have a few technical and ethical questions:
Are you being sued for this? I know you signed the confidentiality agreement but went ahead and published this anyway. Are you being sued by JiM? By the other members for violating their privacy? Also, I don’t think it was ethical at all for you to quote people who didn’t know you were taking notes. Did you give JiM an opportunity to respond before you published? Did you ask the other men there for permission, or at least give them a heads up it was coming out? I know you’re not a journalist strictly speaking, but what you did was investigative journalism. It just seems a little unfair the way you went about this.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad it’s out there. I think it’s an important topic. But, like you, I do feel bad for the other men who rightly feel violated. I’m guessing you didn’t use their real names, but still…
Recently became a licensed mental health counselor in my state. The article reminded me of why in grad school I steered clear of any counseling referred to as “Christian- or Faith-Based Counseling.” The psuedo-science, the smattering of Freud mixed with Jesus, the profoundly irresponsible handling of men entrusting their psyches and souls to these folks … what a sham and a shame! There is no legal recourse because they are protected as a “church.” This so-called retreat would never fall under the same appropriate and necessary scrutiny I must fall under to practice legitimate counseling. I know these guys sign off and go at their own risks, but I can’t help but think this should somehow be declared illegal, under the licensing laws of the states concerning mental health. Just wondering …
I think your point about ethical and licensed therapy practices is addressed when Ted writes that the printed materials and the disclaimer of the Guides at the start of the weekend underscored that none of the staff were there as counselors or therapists even if that is what they do in their day jobs. You can lose your license if you practice this type of therapy when all the professional and ethical guidelines prohibit it. It is even more clearly forbidden than some of the crazier child-therapy techniques. No scrutiny if it is done as a layperson.
Amazing read and I cannot wait for the book. I commend Ted for taking on this assignment and sharing his experience.
As an openly gay man who went through childhood, adolescence and young adulthood fighting my homosexual feelings, I appreciate what Ted did and wrote. Unless we start bringing the fear, disdain and prejudice that justifies the abuse and even killing of gay men (and gay boys), will we ever see homosexuality as one of the many beautiful ways Life or God or the Universe expresses Itself. Having come out in my 20′s, my family disowned me, my church disfellowshipped me. But through these things, I have developed strength and appreciation for who I am and what I have to offer. I tried for for many years to rid myself of my homo-erotic feelings; my last ditch effort being marrying a woman. Now in California’s Bay area, I still face prejudice and threats. I have had to move twice now due to threats, name-calling and vandalism—no, California is not as liberal as we think and I am less than an hour from San Francisco (gay Mecca). The only answer I see is the continuous publicity and exposure of homosexuality as something that has existed from the beginning of time, that it exists in nature, that the Bible says tons of other things we know do not apply to us (women should not wear red dresses and that we should not eat shrimp, etc). Thank you Ted! dp
P.S. Ted, I don’t care for facebook but I still want a rubber band. Dale
There are people in the world whose views differ from the mainstream. There ARE good, honest people who are faithful Mormons with faith in God who try their best to live according to what we believe (and have a constitutional right to believe) are God’s laws—including laws regarding sexual expression. This extends to those who may have homosexual feelings who CHOOSE to explore other possibilities than having a gay partner or having gay sex. I am one such man, and I am proud to be so. I am proud to believe in God as I do and I am happy that there are other alternatives (including JIM) for people like me. All the opinions of men in this world cannot change my faith. I am deeply offended by this disrespectful and satirical article. Does Ted Cox think himself a better man than the rest of us? Is he in a position to declare what I (or anyone else) should or shouldn’t believe about religion or homosexuality? He is a LIAR and an agreement-breaker—two things I certainly do not place high on my list of noble & “manly” attributes.
Daniel, you’re right regarding people’s right to believe what they want to, but actions are different from beliefs. People often act -based- on their beliefs, but when such actions fly in the face of facts, there are issues.
I say this because it continues to be an accepted scientific fact that homosexuality is a perfectly normal form of sexual expression. Believing it goes against a religious code of conduct is one thing, but telling other people that they should try to change their sexuality based on that code isn’t acceptable.
Furthermore, there are movements within various Christian-based faiths that argue that God doesn’t condemn homosexuality. One of the arguments, and one of the most compelling, is that all of the passages that supposedly speak against homosexuality use the word “arsenokoitai”, a word that has a VERY disputed meaning.
So before you continue down the path you’re going, I’d encourage you to look more closely at the issue. Faith without reason is blind, after all.
Exposes like Ted Cox’s bore me. Ooh, they think they’ve cracked some secret cult to spill a dark trove of “secrets” onto the Internet. Evil is exposed and a Pulitzer Prize surely awaits you! (YAWN.)
The fact is that Journey into Manhood works for many men to help them in their healing from abuse and gender identity confusion. We all have the right to make own determination how we behave sexually within the laws of the land.
The weekend isn’t a panacea. It does help men on their journey if living a straight lifestyle is the road they’ve chosen. Cut out the sensationalism and move on, Ted.
Needless to say, this article does make me feel angry. The article is in violation of the non-disclosure agreement that the participant made. I know that I am not entirely innocent of acts of deception.
That aside, the Journey Into Manhood weekend serves to let men get in touch with their true masculinity. It lets them feel things that have been deeply repressed. It lets them touch emotions that they have long since run away from. It lets them process events that they simply didn’t deal with in their pasts. In short, it lets them feel, heal, and move on.
Personally, it was powerful for me to learn to connect with myself in more healthy ways and to connect with others in real, healthy ways, rather than in acts of deception. Granted, it didn’t change everything for me, but it was a definite step in the right direction.
What color is the rubber band?
-Andrew
What things didn’t change?
I’d like to say a lot of intellectual and political things, but I’m too emotional about it now. Even when I calm down I’ll still think you’re a hero for taking a stand against this kind of institutionalized insanity.
Ted, thanks for putting yourself out there and then writing this to expose some of the insanity that goes on at these camps.
Daniel and others, I’m sorry that you feel like you’ve been betrayed by this article. I did not get that Ted ever believed that the men at JiM were anything but good and honest people. What I’m most sorry about is that there is any religion or faith out there that would tell you that you are less than worthy, less than normal, due to circumstances beyond your control. That said, you are free to choose to live in whatever way you would like including living as a Mormon who believes that homosexuality is a sin. I just wish that all those people born into faith, who also happen to be homosexual, knew that it’s okay to live out and proud. There is a whole world out there who supports you, just the way you are. And more than that, I believe that God loves you and that God doesn’t make mistakes.
The problem is you all believe in some invisible man in the sky who knows everything and controls everything and will punish you for all eternity if you don’t do what he says, like a big Mafia Don in the sky.
Get your theology right.
Well George, care to post any peer reviewed studies that show that Journey into Manhood and its techniques work?
Surely you have scientific backing for your statement, “The fact is that Journey into Manhood works for many men to help them in their healing from abuse and gender identity confusion.” I mean, if it’s a fact then it must have been tested, rigorously so, just like the many, many studies that show homosexuality cannot be changed.
So please. Link us all to these peer-reviewed studies to show us that JiM isn’t just throwing together Dr. Phil with half-remembered Psych 101 for their retreats. I for one eagerly await the proof.
I am living proof that the weekend works. I have dealt with painful issues of male molestation and abuse in my past, and yet am pursuing a heterosexual dating with plans to marry. I believe that these sexual behaviors are a choice and scoff at the lie that “we’re born this way” or other brainwashing “rainbow rhetoric.” We always have choices.
I’d like to say that should quiet them down, George. It won’t, though. When you’re agenda driven, the facts don’t matter.
What a stupid piece to have on the Good Men Project.
George, did someone tell you that being molested or abused by another male makes you gay? I can assure you that it does not. I am so sorry that you had those bad experiences, and I’m glad you were able to move on from that into a (hopefully) healthy relationship with a member of the opposite sex.
It is no wonder you feel the way you do, though, after being told that! You weren’t gay just because you were abused, so your straight dating and plans to marry don’t prove anything about those weekends. The good news is that you were helped in your own way by that weekend, and (hopefully) did not come to further harm. But, given the circumstances, can’t you see how someone who actually -is- gay might be harmed by these attempts to turn them straight? What weekends like that do is tell these gay people that their feelings are wrong and worthless. I’m reminded now of what those weekends suggest we do about people who make us feel worthless.
You were abused by a man– you were never homosexual. You’ve always been straight.
I was abused by a man– I was never heterosexual. I’ve always been a lesbian.
“am pursuing a heterosexual dating with plans to marry.”
Please be sure you tell the woman.
Ted, thank you for bringing this to light. I know that there may be ramifications for your actions, and certainly there are some very tough ethical issues at stake, but ultimately I feel your work here may help put a stop to these hurtful ministries. At best, they are run by well-meaning persons of faith who simply have not been educated enough on the issues at hand to know that these retreats are ultimately harmful to their attendees. At worst, they’re run by calloused hacks who are only looking to make a buck off of a misunderstood and suffering populace.
I know it may not be well received by some readers, but you are doing the right thing.
This JiM thing is a…distressing treatment of gender. I feel the title of the article was misleading, though. What, precisely, was Christian about it?